the life of liz

my love/hate relationship with the mall

2008-01-17T13:31:00.001-08:00

i don't have to stop and think for very long to realize that the mall is a pretty lame place. not only does it perpetuate all that is evil about our country, and not only does the food make you want to throw up (although it tastes pretty damn good on the way down), and not only is a hang out spot for teenage cliques, it also leaves you feeling strangely unsatisfied. would i be happier if i could afford more clothes? why don't the items in my bag that i so coveted give me a greater sense of meaning? how come when i close my eyes all i see are blindingly bright lights, emaciated mannequins dressed in hideous clothing, and a guy trying to acost me so that he can buff my fingernail into shiny glory? seriously, no one wants one buffed nail, which i guess is their gimmick to get you to buy the stupid buffer.

despite this long rant tearing the mall to shreds, i still go there. yes, i love shopping, and the mall is a fairly good place to do that. it houses some of my favorite stores (along with a bunch of really lame ones, like cambridgeside galleria's "body basics," which sells freakishly cheap and ugly underwear). but my love/hate relationship even extends to some of these favorite stores! let me explain.

the gap. in high school, i thought it was only for loser preppies. in college, i realized they had some cute stuff, and i purchased my very first pair of gap jeans, which sadly to say, no longer fit. as myself and my fashion sense continued to mature, the gap became my place for basic wardrobe staples at semi-reasonable prices. add in some credit cards and a few trips to the awesome place that is the gap outlet, and random gap treasure finds at thrift stores, and suddenly i find myself clad in all gap on some days. so where does the hate come in? really, the thing i hate is also something else i love. the gosh darn baby clothes. they are so freaking adorable, that sometimes i can't contain myself. and today, it was my first glimpse of the baby gap 2008 spring line, and it was all i could do to stop myself from shreiking with delight at all of the beautiful, bright, teeny tiny clothes. a couple of years ago i either wrote or considered writing a blog entry entitled "killed by cuteness" after viewing another smorgasbord of baby gap spring delights. the thing is, i love bright colors, and the designers at baby gap are always making such bright garments, and well...every once in a while i buy something for my future child. what can i say? i love children, color, and clothes. the point is, baby gap is too full of goodness. it overwhelms me. polka dots and stripes...hurray!

j crew. i discovered them in college, too. it all started with their sweaters. adorable, comfortable, high quality...expensive. and so it goes with all of the amazingly stylish, make you look like a model, retro throw-backs that j crew offers. i don't know how many times i have looked at their catalog and actually found myself thinking, "i would be happier with that amazing, $78 jacket." it's bad. very bad. and today all of their clothes were so bright. needless to say, i don't really have anything from j crew. i have one amazing sweater, that i managed to get as a christmas gift one year, but last month i accidentally shrunk it when i was temporarily taken over by a complete moron and put some of my sweaters in the dryer. this is one of the main reasons i can't really shop at j crew. i am way too hard on my clothes. i work with kids, i make art, my dog gets muddy foot prints on me, and, i admit, i wipe my hands on my pants when i'm eating.

in short, i'm a slob. but i'm also a fashionista. so, until i become some corporate stylish lady, and i have a reason to purchase perfectly tailored j crew suits (which i never plan to do), i will charge my gap jeans and keep wiping the grease from my mall nachos on them, thank you very much.

fall fashion and accumulated wisdom

2007-08-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

today i inadvertently went 'back-to-school' shopping. i was at the mall, because it was too hot to be outside, and i wanted to buy an air conditioner for that same reason, and i went into h & m, because that is what i do when i'm at the mall, and i just couldn't stop myself from buying a few things. a slate gray jumper, a bright red extra long tee, and a long sleeve brown t-shirt with extra long ribbed cuffs and bright blue pin stripes, to be exact. i don't subscribe to the idea that just because i've graduated high school i should have to stop school shopping. if you know me, you know i'll use any excuse to shop. i also have a million justifications for doing so! my uncle once said, "wine taste, beer budget." that's me, and that's why i love h & m.

my new favorite colors are plum and slate gray. and they make a lovely color when you mix them together as well. i'm still on the fence about whether to spell gray with an 'e' or an 'a.' the only reason i'm doing it with an 'a' right now is because that's what spell check tells me to do. however, i have made an important decision in another arena...i now have a favorite movie director! wes anderson. he freaking rules. my new favorite movie is the life aquatic and i can hardly wait to see the darjeeling limited. i want to wallpaper my new living room with wes anderson movie posters.

since i haven't blogged since march (i guess i was too busy), here's an update on my life and highlights of the last several months.

status checks: i still work at the same place, i'm still happily dating danny, and i'm still studying art therapy. however, i now have a car and i will be moving in less than a week to my favorite neighborhood. i dont have a puppy (yet) and i now have very short hair. i am moving in with danny and my best friend karen and a very lovely girl named heidi.

the new me. my brother's dog, camo.

highlights: danny and i went to oregon together a couple of weeks ago! it was so much fun. i'm starting my first art therapy internship in september. saw brandi carlisle in concert and fell in love with folk rock all over again. worked my ass off at work and nearly lost my mind for it on several occasions. climbed mt. washington! hell yeah! went digging for herkimer diamonds with danny in fonda, ny. went to maine and climbed big, scary rocks. watched the entire series of six feet under. just finished yesterday. so i'm grieving now. for nate and david and claire and brenda and ruth and rico and every one else. go ahead, say it's just a tv show. the thing is, it just isn't.

dave, karen, me, and dan on top of mt. washington

my mom, me, and dan at cape lookout, oregon coast
(notice the hat...it's that amazing purple gray i was telling you about)

i am trying to pack up my room, and, as always seems to happen, i can't just toss my journals into a box without opening them. then the whole packing process gets delayed a few hours. then it gets delayed even more when i decide it's finally time to write a blog and share some of my accumulated wisdom from the last few years, as found in my journals.

when i was 19, the front of my journal was blank. it was the summer after my first year of college, the brutal second year after that. i was thirsty for God, and my journal was full of bible verses, prayer requests, praises, and quotes.

where am i going? how do i get there? you can say, 'i'm scared.' you can say, 'i don't know.' but you can't say, 'i won't go.'

we can trust God.

if you're gone, maybe it's time to go home
there's an awful lot of breathing room, but i can hardly move (matchbox 20)

God knows best.

you have been more faithful than the morning sun
you have been more faithful than knowing night will come
you have been more faithful than the changing of seasons (skillet)

above all, love each other deeply. (1 peter 4:8)

and i turned 20 three days early
when you said those words to me
and i grew up without a smile
i was forced to learn to say goodbye

time will open doors for you. (third day)

i feel guilty for how i feel.

and so God has arranged the seasons of our lives, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. he has made everything beautiful in its time. (ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 1 corinthians 12:18, ecclesiastes 3:11)

when i was 20 and 21, my journal was covered with quotes from ecclesiastes, reminding me that for everything, there is a time. i was a junior in college, and i was still thirsty for God. and then i started my senior year. my thirst for God was replaced with doubt.

be brave.

i don't need a boy to make me happy. i don't need a boy to make me happy. a boy won't make me happy. having a boy will not make me happy. a boy can't make me happy.

lord, you have my heart and i will search for yours
jesus, take my life, and lead me on
lord, you have my heart and i will search for yours
let me be to you, a sacrifice

and i will praise you, lord
and i will sing of love come down
and as you show your face
we'll see your glory here (worship song)

*to be continued*

questions of culture

2007-03-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

a discman is nothing to be ashamed of ... is it?

is it wrong to shop at a store that sells Jesus adhesive bandages?

how many DIY books to i have to buy to actually get off my ass and do it myself?

if i buy a chai and donut from one starbucks, does that give me the right to use the bathroom at another two hours later?

walk, bike, T, bus, cab, or zipcar?

how many times can one copy of the metro be read by different T passengers before it's considered unsanitary?

your cabbie is mumbling in what seems to be a different language. is he talking to you, himself, or into an invisible cell phone?

how small does a dog have to be for it to stop being cute and start being creepy?

when should i walk confidently into the crosswalk in front of oncoming traffic to assert my rights as a pedestrian and when should i stay the crap out of the way to avoid being killed?

is it safe to purchase groceries at the dollar store?

how many television shows can you keep up with at once and not be considered a loser with no life?

how cute does an article of clothing have to be for you to pay full price for it at urban outfitters? bearing in mind this is where they sell the Jesus bandages?

i don't wanna

2007-02-25T16:15:00.000-08:00

tomorrow i leave to go skiing/snowboarding for four days with my students and two other staff, our annual ski trip. i know what you're thinking...that sounds fun! yeah, it does. but i don't wanna go. you may recall a previous post of mine, "why i hate camping." well, that was the account of my last work trip. okay, it was camping, and it was raining, so obviously it was very different. this is going to be fun! this is going to be fun...(i'm trying to convince myself).

this happens to me sometimes. by "this" i mean, i have something fun coming up and i just don't want to do it. does that mean i'm depressed? this last wednesday, i had an interview for an internship i really, really want, and i was excited, but another part of me was dreading it. and during the interview, i felt so spacey, like i couldn't form my words and sentences right and truly engage with my interviewer. and i was so prepared, so early, so excited. yucky. i wanted it to be perfect.

so part of me is excited for the ski trip, too. but i'm more excited for the FIVE DAYS that i have off afterwards. i'm bringing along my sewing book so that hopefully, finally, when i get back, i can start sewing clothes. fashion designing, here i come. i guess i'll have to learn to build a second closet, too.

my work lately has been pushing me to levels of stress not felt by me in some time. it's not pretty. also when i get back, i've got to find myself a new counselor. and it needs to stop being winter, so i can ride my bike everywhere and wear flowy skirts and tank tops and be happy.

danny is coming over to make me dinner...eggplant parmesan, because i've never had eggplant. he's a really good cook. we also have to have a not-so-fun talk though, so i'm not looking forward to him coming over, either.

however, one amazing happy thing did happen to me the other day. i got a late birthday package from my friend sarah in the mail. sarah moved away, and i miss her dearly. the package was so amazing. so beautiful. the outside was covered in beautiful red fish paper, and when i carefully opened the box, i saw adorable star tissue paper held together by a big orange goldfish sticker. yay! under the paper were all kinds of treasures. a freaking adorable, so me purse, a mix cd covered in hearts, rainbox brite stickers, a paper source gift card, and a huge pack of collage paper. yeah sarah! and of course a very sweet card. i almost cried. it was lovely.

rainbow brite is very special to me, because i loved her when i was little, and i had a rainbow brite comforter and doll and other lovelies. but best of all, i was rainbow brite for halloween in preschool, my mom made me the costume, complete with arm-poofies. and there's this picture of me walking along the rainy sidewalk to preschool with my lovely costume on and my curly, white-blonde hair and big blue eyes. the great thing is, sarah didn't know any of that.

why must we be separated from some of our most special friends? speaking of these people, happy birthday, kari! i miss you. your own package of treasures is on the way.

learn, laugh, love

2007-01-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

it is the first day of a brand new year. the slate is clean, the drawing board is empty, the cliches are flowing. during a late evening shower tonight, the resolutions that i debate making each year came to me as easily as the hot water flowing over me.

what i'd like to do this year (a non-comprehensive list in no particular order)

1. learn to make clothes on my sewing machine and learn as much about sewing as possible while doing as much sewing as possible
2. go rock collecting and dig beautiful treasures out of the ground
3. take a real vacation (hawaii?)
4. adopt a puppy if humanly possible
5. work with babies and toddlers
6. start watching six feet under from the beginning
7. learn to love reading the bible again
8. sing in public
9. read, read, READ
10. survive the winter (without depression and bike accidents)
11. paint my apartment fun colors, at least my room (bright blue?)
12. consolidate and streamline debt, possessions, etc.
13. turn 25 without having a quarter-life crisis
14. get closer to going to africa
15. learn, laugh and love (yes, i am so freaking cheesy that i think i created a theme for the year...i knew that holiday letter was the beginning of the end)
16. take fashion risks
17. write letters, send presents, make gifts
18. find a new therapist, preferably a christian
19. get super and/or magic powers (or at least read the last harry potter book which better come out this year!)

the sharp hint of tears

2007-01-01T17:01:00.000-08:00

(written 12.30.06 somewhere over the united states. caution: may be overly sentimental)

i am starting to hate this. by this, i mean going back and forth between two places i love, and two groups of people i love. in one place, i have all the time in the world to explore the city and enjoy small moments with friends. in the other place, i am forced to create a strict schedule of visits, prioritize my loved ones, and repeat the same information again and again. i leave with a longing for more time, more little moments, more laughter and conversation and hugs. and some one is always sad, not only that i’m leaving, but because they didn’t get enough time with me. yes, it is amazing that i am loved and longed for by these people, and i am so thankful for them. but with every trip home, i feel a little more sad, a little more tired, and a little more far away.

it seems that my friends and family understand my love of food, particularly cheese, as they all made a special effort to have my favorite foods on hand during my visit. smoked turkey, chocolate chip cookies, beef stew, peanut m & m’s, cheez-its, donuts, and plenty of 2% milk at my dad’s house; hand-baked Mexican wedding cookies and oatmeal caramelitas, pepsi, chocolate, and tea at my mom’s; chocolate-chocolate chip cookies at my grandma’s; and warm, delicious soup at shanna’s and nicole’s. oh, and at every house, lots and lots of Tillamook cheddar cheese. the problem was, i am a small girl, and i can only eat so much. needless to say, i had to leave some of it behind. but i made sure to make room for the chocolate in my suitcase.

my mom took me to the airport this evening, and i went through the familiar motions of sticking my credit card into the e-ticket machine, checking my ridiculously heavy baggage, and preparing myself for the security scan. and then there’s the worst part…the goodbye. as i hugged my mom several times, i knew i had to walk away before i started bawling. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this. after successfully clearing security and re-dressing myself, i looked back through the maze of metal detectors, gates, and conveyor belts for my mommy. she was frantically waving, her arm lifted high so that I would see her. we blew kisses. i felt tears. i walked down the deserted terminal towards my gate, pausing to look out the dark window and cry. after take-off, i reached into my bag, took out the food she packed for me, and found a baggie of Tillamook cheese. as i tasted the familiar sharpness in my mouth, i again felt the prick of tears behind my eyes. who knew that cheese could make you cry?

just call me martha

2007-01-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

stewart, that is. although sometimes (like every tuesday when my small group comes over) i can be a bit of a biblical martha as well. if you dont know the story, Jesus came over to her and her sister's house and she was bustling around being a good hostess and mary (her sister) was just chillin' with Jesus and this kinda ticked martha off, and she said something, and Jesus told her mary was doing the better thing.

so the reason i'm martha stewart is because i got all domesticated recently (i think it started with the sewing machine) and this led to me writing my first annual holiday letter. here it is, enjoy!

dear friends and family,

it’s that time of year again! time for my annual holiday letter! i know what you’re thinking…she doesn’t send out an annual holiday letter…well, this year, i’ve decided to start a new tradition. if my married friends can do it, why can’t i?

this past year has been full of exciting, fun, and challenging times which i shall now recount to you in all their glory. ah, i love holiday letters. in fall 2005, i moved across the country from Oregon to Boston, leaving throngs of mourners in my wake. while i continue to miss Oregon, i have fallen in love with my new city and love to spend time exploring it. i spent my first year here living with two girls my age in the suburb of Watertown, which unexpectedly has a river running through it (creative name, i know). i loved my huge, cheap apartment but hated the bus commute to work and the lack of creativity and nightlife that Watertown had to offer. so, in September, i moved into a smaller, more expensive apartment in Cambridge, just across the river from downtown Boston. Cambridge pulsates with creativity, diversity, and college students, and i pinch myself daily to make sure i really live in such an amazing place. i now live with two other girls my age, and we’re having lots of fun.

i continue to work with teenagers at Castle School, a residential school for high schoolers with emotional and behavioral issues. i absolutely love it. it’s like a second home and family, and i’ve got six teenage kids. i have a lot of fun with them, doing everything from helping prepare meals, to talking about their feelings, to hanging out and watching movies. i have also fallen in love with the school dog, Loki, an adorable, lazy chocolate lab, and i hope to get my own dog in the near future.

in august i started graduate school for art therapy at Lesley University in Cambridge. i will be going part time for three years, and, when i’m done, i’ll be a certified art therapist and licensed mental health counselor. i am learning soooo much, reading so many amazing books, and i’m required to make art about my feelings! it’s perfect.

another highlight of the year was selling my car, riding the bus all winter and spring, and then getting a “vintage” bike, then saying goodbye to it when i was told i was going to hurt myself or someone else if I kept riding it (geez, that lady at the bike shop was so overdramatic) and buying myself a beautiful, powder blue mountain bike. i outfitted my new bike with baskets and lights and it is now my primary mode of transportation.

this year i also joined a fabulous church here and an amazing small group of artists, some of whom have become my closest east coast friends. my best friend brian got married after proposing to his wife nicole in Boston, and i was a bridesmaid. my mom came to visit me, and i took two trips home. i serendipitously met another great friend on the bus, developed a love of diners, made an art studio in my room, and filled my closet with beautiful bargains from all over the city.

yes, it was a great year. of course i left out the long depressing winter and other not-so-happy moments, but they made the year meaningful, too. i hope each of you learned, loved, and laughed in 2006, and continue to do so in 2007. happy holidays!

right now

2007-01-01T16:55:00.000-08:00

right now
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

well, actually, the last week of the semester. this was a final project for one of my art therapy classes. it's my favorite collage i've ever made, because it came together so perfectly and serendipitously.

as promised, i am posting it here since i talked about it in my last blog.

right now

2006-12-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

wearing thermals, cozy in my bed (red top, grey bottoms)

new art work hanging next to me on my wall (my most recent collage, which i will post here shortly, and a magazine clipping poem)

the poem says: you can bring last year and your cupcake girl. our next artsy wish is to be two. i like the way it speaks to me.

finished with my first semester of grad school as of today!

in love with the idea of being able to not study and write papers in my free time, instead, since its Christmas, i can spend all week making and buying and giving gifts! and this year i actually have an art area and sewing machine to aid me in this process.

so in love with sewing. i want to sew everything, and i want to use gold thread for all of it. i'm obsessed with gold thread.

downloading songs i've been meaning to download, one by one, and then listening to them again and again (namely stacy's mom by fountains of wayne...try it, you'll like it!)

going home to oregon on saturday. bracing myself for big changes at work. taking the time to pray for friends. loving the mild winter so far. happy and blessed with friends and family on two coasts and every where in between.

stacy's mom has got it going on...she's all i want, and i've waited for so long...stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...i know it might be wrong, but i'm in love with stacy's mom!

special moments (parental discretion is advised)

2006-12-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

usually, when i come home from work between 11 pm and midnight, i find my roomate lexy on the couch, cuddled up with her cats, watching TV. i have come to expect this, and it is somewhat comforting.

so, imagine my shock, when i open the door to a strange odor and muffled laughter...and see lexy, snuggling with a half-naked guy i've never seen before, while silmeltaneously realizing the illegal source of the distinctive odor.

"hi!" we all say, me, with false, high-pitched, awkward cheer, and them, with drunken joy. "we're drunk!" lexy announes happily, her fingers intertwined with skinny, pale, shirtless boy. you don't say!

"this is my friend, tony!" she shares, and we exchange pleasantries before i walk/jog towards my room as quickly as is polite.

i snatch the package my mom sent me today off the table, sit it on my bed, and happily rip off the wrapping. it's chock full of my christmas decor from home. i've been waiting for it so i could decorate my miniature charlie brown christmas tree. i guess that'll have to wait for another night.

"i think your cats like me," i can hear shirtless stranger say as i shut the door. i'm sure they do, tony. i'm sure they do.

***disclaimer***

any simularity between this short story and any actual people or events is entirely coincidental. if "lexy" asks you if i wrote this and published it online, the answer is obviously no. in fact, this whole thing never even happened.

my mom wants to know what i want for christmas

2006-12-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

last year, i made an interactive list with links to websites of really expensive things i knew none of my friends and family could afford. this year, i'm too lazy, and really, what's the point? plus, i'm trying to be quick about this, because i actually got up semi-early today, and there's lots of fun (art and sewing) and not fun (laundry and bill paying) tasks i would like to accomplish.

my grown up christmas list 2

1. gift card to barnes and noble. this is my college book store and would be quite helpful come the start of the term.
2. gift cards to...anthropologie, PAPER SOURCE, old navy, the gap, amazon.com, target, joann fabrics, itunes, h & m, jcrew, ikea...
3. long underwear
4. books!
the trial of true love by william nicholson
postsecret (there are two, either one is fine)
the history of love by nicole krauss
extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer
found II
a new bible that is small and has some kind of clasp/closing device
quilt it kit by denyse schmidt
good, modern, sewing resource books (i don't want to make ugly curtains or shirts
with shoulder pads)
5. movies!
everything is illuminated
the shape of things
garden state
walk the line
the complete series of sex and the city (a girl can dream, right?)
6. renew my flickr pro subscription
7. a working polaroid camera and film (it doesn't have to be new)
8. world peace

quirkyalone

2006-12-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

quirky alone
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

was this book written about me?

2006-12-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

a few months ago, i was in a bookstore with a couple of friends laughing at self-help book titles, when i saw a book that seemed to encapsulate me perfectly. it was called quirkyalone, and as you'll see by the above photo, the moment was captured on film.

a few days ago, i was in the library, as i've developed an interesting habit of checking out way more books, movies, and cd's than i can possibly read/watch/listen to in the allotted amount of time you get to keep them. they're just all so pretty! anyway, i came across quirkyalone again and i picked it up. and, keeping with my habit, i took it home.

i started browsing through it today and it's pretty hilarious. the whole idea is to give a label to people like me, people who don't settle for mediocre relationships and try to believe that relationships aren't the key to happiness. we are strong, unique, independent women! we are quirkyalone! the author (sasha cagen) explains why she chose to fuse those two words into one big, yummy word, and i love what she has to say about being quirky: "Perhaps truly quirky people are the ones who don't have the option of camouflaging their individuality: they're just uncontrollably themselves."

my old youth pastor once told me, "you're not like 90% of people." i think he was calling me quirkyalone!

there are many other funny things in this book. if you think you're quirkyalone (and dudes can be quirkyalone, too), you should check it out. oh, you can be quirkyalone and in a couple. that's called quirkytogether! yeah baby!

one of my favorite anecdotes from the book is a list of "deal breakers (absurd or not-so-absurd reasons not to go out with someone):

1. emoticons 2. lewd text messages 3. baby talk 4. perfume/cologne 5. phone on the belt 6. wears 'bad shoes' 7. wears glasses 'because they make me look smart' "

i just think it's so hilarious because i really do find phones on the belt to be such a turn-off. i dated this guy once who had that fabric tube thingy that goes around your neck to hold your sunglasses, and it was very difficult to find him attractive once i saw him sporting it. it's like, "i'm sorry, are you 11?" another turn off for me is people who sign their emails in the same annoying way every time...for example, "fondly, steve." or "in his grip, todd." or "keep smiling, alan." it's like, "i'm glad smiling is important to you, but there's no need to shove your beliefs down my throat, dammit!"

i really did know a guy who signed "in his grip." and his name was todd. another former youth pastor...hmmm...

http://quirkyalone.net/qa/peoplelikeus.php

the first snow

2006-12-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

i've been a baaa-ahh-aad blogger. my apologies to all my faithful readers (kari). seriously, i've never not written for THIS long. i guess i will blame grad school. yes, indeed i will. you see, in grad school, there are no tests. which is a good thing, i suppose, except for the fact that i'm really good at tests. but there are lots of papers. that's okay, because i'm good at writing, too (i also have a huge head, but that's mainly because my hair is so thick). the point i'm trying to make is, i'm always writing papers. so the blog writing as suffered. in fact, i'm writing a paper right now. i'm just taking a break to write this.

i silmeltaneously (word i cant spell) love and hate writing papers. one of my favorite things i'm learning in grad school so far is the beauty of dichotomies. contrast. the fact that two seemingly opposite things (i love writing papers, i hate writing papers) can both be true at the same time. love is amazing. love is horrifying. you get the idea. i've always loved contrast, because one extreme makes the other extreme all the more potent and beautiful. so you can see why i love dichotomies.

yeah, grad school pretty much rules. i love learning. i know, i love a lot of things. i fall in love so easily, whether its with a person, a concept, or a freaking tv show (what is the appeal of deal or no deal? all i know is, on most fridays, i'd rather watch it and yell at the screen then go out). in grad school, they expose you to all kinds of amazing books and resources, then tell you to read more of them than is humanly possible. this is exhilirating and frustrating. in college, i was assigned a good chunk of reading, but most of it i didn't give a crap about, so who cared if i didn't have (okay, make) time to read it? but now, i want to read all of it! i want to soak it up, drink it in, devour every last syllable. 'cause it's so yummy! my favorite book i'm reading right now is a general theory of love. i picked it up in the school book store when i was only supposed to be buying my requried texts. but i couldn't resist! not only was it about love (so obviously my favorite subject) but it had an amazing cover design. two red wooden chairs, one leaning toward the other. i must have it! i said, and now i do, and it's the most freaking fascinating book i've read it awhile. the best part is, i can use it for one of my papers! aint love grand?

yeah, i'm obviously explosively babbling because i havent blogged in so long. it feels so good! but i should get back to that paper. today was (finally) the first snow. a full month and 4 days later than last year. it was more like slush, really, but who cares? the long cold winter is finally here, and i am strangely happy about it.

a child of 25

2006-10-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

maybe the third time's a charm. the last two times i've attempted to post a blog, i've ended up writing things that were way too personal to publish on the internet. suffice it to say that i'm under somewhat of a dark cloud at the moment, and that can lead to some possibly alarming writing.

there is this girl at my work who has two boys pining for her affections. one of them has sent her flowers at least twice, and the newer one sent her flowers today. these flowers usually come with a teddy bear attached to the vase. today, without thinking first, i looked at the teddy bear, looked at her, and said, "so, do you have a collection of these somewhere?" oops. luckily she took it fairly well. i guess all that censoring myself has to seep out somewhere.

on the bright side, i do have a current favorite song. i finally got the last kiss soundtrack, and now i am obsessed, and i mean completely and totally obsessed, with the song chocolate by snow patrol. i think i've listened to it at least six times today. before this, it was how to save a life by the fray, which has unexpectedly been bumped into second place on the countdown. this might have something to do with the fact that i cant listen to it without crying, another unexpected development. this is kind of a problem, seeing how much radio play that damn song gets.

if you see the last kiss (which you should, half nelson is also very good, i saw it the other night) you'll realize how perfectly this song encapsulates the film. it also happens to encapsulate some of myself at the moment, and some of what i wish somebody else could be.

chocolate by snow patrol

this could be the very minute
i'm aware i'm alive
all these places feel like home

with i'd never chosen
i can make my first steps
as a child of 25

this is the straw, final straw in the
roof of my mouth as i lie to you
just because i'm sorry doesn't mean
i didn't enjoy it at the time

you're the only thing that i love
it scares me more every day
on my knees i think clearer

goodness knows i saw it coming
or at least i'll claim i did
but in truth i'm lost for words

what have i done it's too late for that
what have i become truth is nothing yet
a simple mistake starts the hardest time
i promise i'll do anything you ask...this time

ladies eighties

2006-09-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

tonight was one of those good nights. i think i've started several blogs with that line, and that is something to be thankful for. my good friend karen came over and we went out looking for fun in central square. we tried a few familiar clubs and then landed at the faithful phoenix landing (ha ha, we landed...) where the chalkboard outside simply sad, "ladies 80s." we asked the bouncer what that meant, exactly, and he said, "like cyndi lauper." bam, we were in, and as a bonus, he let us in free. suddenly we felt so exclusive, and we headed through the bar back to bathroom, and i waited while karen took care of her business. the bathroom was a surprisingly fascinating place. there was the usual condom/tampon vending machine and almost completely useless wimpy hand dryer, and then there were all these advertisements. one was full of fun facts, from which i learned that around 2500 left-handed people die every year from accidents involving tools made for right-handed people. this made me laugh. then it was back out into the bar to impatiently wait for the dj to start pumping out the ladies of the eighties. we almost left, but i'm so glad we didn't, because the next thing we knew, the music was thumping and the dance floor was ours. finally, unlike so many other nights out dancing, it was all about the music and the moves, and i was only semi-distracted by scanning the bar for eligible hotties. we rocked out to "girls just want to have fun" and did a dramatic interpretation of "thriller" (turns out the theme was fairly loose, as we learned when the dj tossed in some gnarls barkley, neither ladies nor eighties). the highlight of the night was a toss up between "i think we're alone now", complete with heart beating motions and passionate singing, and "shoop", where our sultry moves turned the heads of the male wallflowers. we left while we were on top, and burst out into the cold street singing the song we left behind. sometimes, you don't have to plan your friday night, or give in to the pressure to try and have a good time. you can simply go out and let a good time find you, look for some cyndi lauper and be the first one on the dance floor.

the hardest thing and the right thing

2006-09-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

turns out i'm a lot stronger than i originally thought. turns out that a lot of shit i thought i had figured out about myself, i don't. turns out that on rare occasions, when i know what i really need to do, i actually do it.

i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.

this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.

romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.

go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.

every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...

and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless

every one knows i'm in over my head

step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

one year

2006-09-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes i'm listening to songs and i love the lyrics, even though they don't describe my life right now. perhaps they describe something i've experienced in the past, and i'm amazed at how well the words of someone else capture my former feelings. ben harper does that for me pretty often.

yes indeed, i'm alone again
and here comes the emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
'cause i've been with witches
and i've been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

i spent the last three days moving, and most of that pretending that i need a lot less help to move than i actually do. lots of times i think i can do things by myself that i really can't. luckily i have friends who know this, and they were there for me. so now all of my stuff is in my lovely new apartment, and i am beginning my second year in boston! unbelievable. i still feel new. like many other times in my life, this year seems to have flown by, but when i look back at individual months and days, some of them seemed so long and painful. those another lonely days. the last few months have been pretty splendid, and they passed too fast.

i am surrounded by a huge mess of my belongings. i have two papers due tomorrow that need significant work, and a small group to lead tomorrow night. and all i want to do is lay around on my bed and hang out with dan. i'd also like to have a couch, so that i could lay around in the living room, but i suppose that will come soon enough. maybe we can build one out of all of our empty boxes. we certainly have plenty of those. i'd also like a little money so i could go to see a movie and the independent movie theater that is steps from my house. yes, i love my new neighborhood. i am also a five minute walk from my favorite vintage clothing store, and a five minute bike ride to my work! no more bus for me! but i will always look back on the bus fondly, the long lonely days i spent riding it, and the rare beautiful moments connecting with strangers who became friends. yes, 71, you were good to me.

in the course of twenty crowded years
one parts with many illusions.
i did not wish to lose the early ones.
some memories are realities,
and are better than anything
that can ever happen to one again.

willa cather

suddenly i see

2006-08-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

the title of this blog is not only the title of one of my current fave songs (kt tunstall rules, check her out) but it is also the perfect summation of how i feel. suddenly, i get it. or at least i get something. i get why i really want to take it slow with some one, to stop being so physical with guys, why the risk of loving someone is worth it.

i have had an absolutely amazing three days. late night walks and talks, summer romance on the grass, experiencing feelings i've never felt before. talking with strangers who make macreme in the subway station, and playing with little puppies. devouring books about art therapy with zest and motivation, and absolutely, 100% being in love with the place i live and the people i know here. and best of all, laying it all out there, being completely honest and having someone be completely honest with me, meeting someone i can be my whole crazy self around, and they actually find it adorable. to record the feelings, images, and conversations of the last three days would take forever, but the way i feel after them can be put very simply: suddenly, i see.

art can be said to be -- and can be used as -- the externalized map of our interior self. peter london

art is the meeting ground of the world inside and the world outside. elinor ulman

to paint what we see before us is a different art than painting what we see within us. carl jung

art is a way of knowing what we actually believe. pat b. allen

how do i show
all the love
inside my heart

well this is all new
and i'm feeling my way through the dark kt tunstall

suddenly i see
this is who i wanna be
suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me kt tunstall

when you least expect it

2006-08-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

i love boston because of the people i meet here. tonight, after an exhausting shift full of more "my life is hopeless" conversations with teenagers (i think i've had one of those with almost all of the kids at my school in the last few weeks)i settled onto my familiar bench in my familiar bus station in harvard square, to wait for my familiar bus. as usual, i am too tired to read from my "introduction to therapeutic counseling" textbook, too tired to do anything else but slouch and wait for my bus. like many other nights, a guy came and sat next to me. but this guy was different.

we started talking because he thought he smashed his new CD when he sat down, and i was being my polite, friendly, oregonian self and helping him assess the damage. suddenly we were like old friends, chatting and laughing, the words coming easily. i forgot that i was waiting for the bus, forgot that i hadn't known this guy five minutes before. i told i really wanted a bike but i was too poor so i needed a free one and i didn't care what kind it was or what it looked like as long as it was functional. we got on the bus together, still chatting, and he sat down near me and said, "i'm going to find you a bike."

"come sit by me," i said, because it was ridiculous to pretend that we didn't want to be sitting together, talking. so he did. and he asked me the question he asks every one he meets from oregon, something about walking by rivers and finding turquoise. i asked if he had a question for people from every state and he said he thought he did, and i said, "ohio." and sure enough, he had a question and a great, quirky story to go with it. he was asking me to meet him for coffee before he was asking my name, and we shook hands.

"my stop is coming up" i said, and he said, "so is mine." and then we discovered we had the same stop (he said his first, so that elevated my fears of creepiness) and we both laughed because this whole thing was just so crazy, and we got off the bus together and talked and laughed and gave each other nicknames even though we'd just met. and we exchanged numbers and made plans to go see the band who's CD he thought he'd broken when he sat down next to me in the first place.

"wicked nice meeting you" he said, in true boston fashion. "i'm going to find you a bike, liz."

i walked down my street, trying to figure out if i was awake or dreaming. who knows, maybe he's crazy, or gay, or an atheist, but he's super fun and our meeting was so serendipitous. things like this don't happen every day, or every year for that matter. at the very least, it's certainly worth documenting. and at the most? we shall see.

for kari

2006-08-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

kari needs something to read, so here goes. i will say, i would love to read something new on kari's blog as well...

sometimes my life really does feel like a tv show. like when i get into a staged bar brawl and end up meeting a hot guy who actually calls me and actually takes me out on a real date. or when my housing situation turns into a total nightmare and i lose two third roomates named sara(h) and i finally find a place with my third third roomate but i lose my dream apartment in the process and end up spewing all my frustrations onto the poor workers at the apartment rental office in a very candid and almost rude way. or (and this is the best one) when i spend all my free time playing scrabble with my friend dan and then my friend sarah asks me if i want this giant scrabble rug with giant scrabble pieces that you can actually play on and i say "yes, yes, oh my goodness, i cant wait to show danny!"

my amazing friend sarah is letting me borrow this amazing book called the art of looking sideways. here are some lovelies i have found in it's pages...

i work with things left over from other things. (julian schnabel) this is so my new artist's statement.

an idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. (don marquis) hmmm...

question: where do you get your ideas?
answer: i don't. they get me!

the person you love is 72.8% water. i guess that means i love water.

the negative is the score but the print is the performance. (ansel adams) i love photography.

there are many more lovelies in the book but it is heavy and my first engagement of the day is calling. i guess that means i have to get out of bed, which is sad and tragic. i guess that also means i have to change out of my new pink pajama pants with little puppies dressed in cute little outfits all over them, which is also tragic. why can't i go out in public like this? soon i will have a puppy! i cant wait.

the truth is beautiful

2006-07-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

if you can be honest
i can be too
if you take the first step
i'll follow you through

child don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it will heal the wounds it makes

you've been decieved to think
that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it will give more than it takes

honest, kendall payne

tonight i transferred some of my old mp3's from college onto my laptop and now i'm listening to some of my favorite forgotten songs, such as the one above. those words are definitely a part of my life philosophy, my mantra if you will.

i spent the day apartment hunting, which has quickly become my absolute least favorite thing to do. it's so much easier in oregon, where they have these amazing things called apartment complexes. yes, they are corporate and cookie-cutter and have no history, but they are all in one place, easy to access, with plenty of parking and reasonable rent rates. such is not the case in boston. in boston, apartments are mostly floors of houses or rooms in large old buildings. yes, you can find restored victorian greatness, but mostly you will find ghetto unsanitary crap. at least in my price range. you drive all over town (if you're lucky, otherwise you walk) becoming more and more discouraged with every dump you see and by the end of the day you're so sick from too much apartment that even if you saw the apartment of your dreams, you'd hate it because you're so exhausted and cranky.

being patient is so hard. trusting God is so hard. doing the right thing is so hard. staying on the right path is so hard. believing that i'm not alone is so hard. but when i can manage these things, when God helps me to do so, it is also so beautiful. and the mistakes that fill up the space between these rare moments are beautiful, too.

the greenest trees you'll ever see
are the ones in your mind
and all the answers and the dreams
will come to you in time

you are living life
you are living life
you are living life
the way you feel

and that is real

living life, ben kweller (a new favorite)

my hands

2006-07-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

when our shoulders touch
it’s all I can do
to stop my hands
from reaching for you

I don’t know how
to take it slow
to deal with
the not knowing

I’m fragile
I want you
do you want me
too?

I guess for now
i’ll try and sleep
I’ll try and pray
and I’ll sit
on my hands

remember when...

2006-07-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

remember when the absolute best thing you could think of to do on a friday night was go clothes shopping with your mom?

and when you used to think that you'd be married with kids by the age that she was married with kids?

and life was simpler?

remember back to before you realized that yearning and pain are a part of the human condition?

and that sometimes, when people seem to good to be true

they are

or, they are taken away from you too soon?

remember when you didn't have to put on tight jeans, a sexy top, and heels to attract a boy?

and you were still young enough to say exactly what you thought

right when you thought it?

remember when you realized that all the people you loved

would never, ever

all be in the same place
at the same time
with you?

the first time you felt loss
the first time you felt love

the first time you felt pain
and knew you would feel it again

i do.

why i hate camping

2006-06-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

everything is a pain in the ass when you're camping. EVERYTHING. even simple tasks, like brushing your teeth or putting on clean socks, become a difficult challenge. for the last few years, i have felt an unspoken pressure to love camping, to yearn to go hiking, to want to spend all my free time exploring the great outdoors. don't get me wrong, nature is beautiful. maybe this pressure comes from being from oregon, or from dating eagle scouts and guys who got very exicited about cramp-ons and head lamps...i'm not sure. but this week i finally admitted it to myself...i am not outdoorsy. i do not like camping. it boggles my mind why one would leave the comfort of their home and go outside and sleep on the hard ground and make everything so hard for themselves. okay, fine, i know why they do it, but that doesn't mean i have to want to do it, too. it's okay not to love camping. it's okay to be happiest when i'm in my bed, with my laptop, eating life cereal, and enjoying nature through my window.

this past week i spent four days camping in new hampshire with my work. four days, forty mosquito bites. no joke. i feel like i have the chicken pox and i need to duct tape oven mitts to my hands so i wont scratch.

i am going home TOMORROW! i cant believe it. brian and nicole are getting married in ONE WEEK! surreal, i am sure even more so for them. i am so excited to go home. i can't believe how long i've been waiting for this. a year ago i was here in boston visting, trying to decide if i wanted to live and work here, and falling in love with this city. and now it is my city, and God has given me an amazing job, amazing friends, and i'm fairly happy most of the time. i don't mean that to sound negative, but a year ago, even a few months ago, i was fairly unhappy most of the time. so this is progress.

i have fallen in love with another band, the kings of convenience. their cd that i've been listening to is called "quiet is the new loud." i like that. i like it when things are convenient. things are very inconvenient when you're camping.

things seem so much better when they're not a part of your close surroundings. like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance. possibilities and sweeter dreams, sights and sounds calling from far away. the kings of convenience

what's next?

2006-06-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

what's next?
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

no kisses and no popsicles

2006-06-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick bored lonely hungry tired achy anxious. no, i did not wake up healed the other morning, and i've been sleeping so much the last few days that i'm not really sure who i am, let alone what day it is. i am sure of one thing: there are many fun things you can do online, such as create maps of where you have been in the united states:

create your own visited states map

and the world:

create your own visited countries map

as you can see, the world one is pretty sad, and i clearly have something against the south in general. i could have cheated and counted states who's airports i have been in, but i did not. the road trip helped a lot. here is a (non-exhaustive) list of states and countries i would like to visit:

1. hawaii
2. california again
3. new zealand
4. australia
5. ireland
6. switzerland
7. france
8. maine (just so i can finish that corner)
9. colorado again
10. africa (yes, i know that is broad)
11. england again
12. italy again
13. canada
14. any and all tropical islands

i am so bored. yet so exhausted. and i really need some food, but i don't have a car and i barely had the energy to get out of bed, walk to the couch, and watch never been kissed this morning. if i can hardly do that, how am i going to go to the store? i wish i had magic powers and i wish i had popsicles. my throat hurts. the funny thing is, since the last time i watched never been kissed, gaucho pants came into style.

kari, i want to see your maps. i am sure they are very red, and getting redder every day! not every one can make being a park ranger look cool! just remember that.

every one else, if you're reading this, S.O.S! i need popsicles. thank you.

a prospect and a half

2006-06-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

sometimes, all i really have is a title, a title i don't intend to explain. but for the sake of my readers (which are many) i will attempt to think of something else to say.

i left work early this evening as i am feeling under the weather. i just swallowed a couple of nyquil in the hopes that i will fall into a deep sleep and wake up miraculously healed in the morning and ready to head back to work. we shall see.

i am going home in about two weeks! i am sooo excited. i shall hold "my" babies, i shall be a beautiful bridesmaid (but not more beautiful than the bride, of course), and i shall have good times with friends and the fam.

but what to do when i return? that is the question that is currently plagueing me. see, i got into grad school for art therapy, and this is all very exciting and congratulations to me and all that jazz, but now i'm not sure if i should go. i have determined in the last few days through reflection and prayer that i do indeed WANT to go, which is good, but i am not sure if God has something better in mind. my friends prayed for me at small group, which was very nice, but one of their prayers made me think YES to grad school, and the other made me think NO. the first one said something along the lines of "it's a risk not to take a risk." now which is more of a risk? grad school or no grad school? i used to think it was the former but now i think it's the latter and i am confused and i need a sign from God. a clear sign. you know, a YES or NO written in the sky kind of sign. again, we shall see.

the other night i was worrying outloud in a simular, over-analytical fashion about a new man in my life, and i was working myself into quite a frenzy, and my male friend said, "i'm so glad i'm a guy." i was jealous, very jealous, just as i have been ever since i first learned that males can shut off their thoughts and enjoy a mental peace that i can only dream of.

speaking of dreams, i think the nyquil is starting to do the trick. as i sometimes say to God before i go to sleep, thank you, good night.

paranoia

2006-06-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

paranoia
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

this is me in my room. yipee.

the sound of silence

2006-06-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

a week ago i was walking to catch the bus and my ipod somehow slipped out of my pocket. it took me about 30 seconds to realize this, and during that time, somebody snatched it. i searched and searched in the pouring rain, going through two pairs of jeans, but to no avail. had i written about this then, you would have gotten the whole over-dramatic sob story, but it's been a week and i've finally accepted it.

we spend so much time waiting when we should be experiencing. so much time sleeping when we should be creating artistic masterpieces. so much time questioning, worrying, and agonizing. i'm trying to work on patience, the kind of patience that doesn't cease to experience during the waiting. this is hard. why is it so hard to convince myself that i have so much to be thankful for, that God has given me an amazing life? why do we spend so much time looking ahead to what we do not yet have and so little enjoying what we do?

okay, enough deep thoughts. let's talk about men. i'm trying to phase the word "men" into my vocabulary and phase out the words "boys" and "guys." this is because what i am looking for is a man, not an immature boy or an ambivilant guy. i figure any guy my age or older that i'm interested in should at least be given the benefit of the doubt about being a man. like innocent until proven guilty, my prospects shall be man until proven boy or guy.

all this to say, i met a man, and i think and i like him, and i hate waiting to see what will happen. i hate wondering when the next time i'll see him will be, and wondering what his opinion of me is. wondering if he's spending time with other girls, or i guess i should say women. funny. if i'm going to use the word man, i guess that means i have to call myself a woman. i do this plenty in my head, but outloud? perhaps the time has come.

last night i saw the movie about al gore and global warming, an inconvienent truth. holy moley, it was scary. i highly recommend that if you care about the planet at all, you go see it. and stop driving. and if all else fails, move to higher ground, so that when greenland breaks up and the oceans rise 20 feet, you'll be safe. at least for a few more years.

www.climatecrisis.net

travel chocolate

2006-05-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

i made a new friend yesterday. his name is donald. he introduced me to a concept that i will surely carry with me for life: travel chocolate. you carry it around with you so that when you (or your travel companion) start getting hungry and cranky, you can whip it out and avert a crisis. even though we were just walking around central square, we got some travel chocolate. if you know me, you know i love chocolate, and any excuse to carry some with me is the best idea i've ever heard.

i'm so sleepy. today i'm going to dog sit my friend's dog, parisol. she is a boston bull terrier mix. this little exercise will theoretically help me decide if i really want to get a dog or not. i'm excited, because she is freaking adorable, but i'm worried that after today i won't want my own little doggie anymore.

last night i left work at 11:40 pm. i got to the bus station at midnight. the bus always takes about a year to come on sunday nights, so i settled in with my ipod to watch lost. i made it through an entire episode. i started another one. i was fading into exhaustion and frustration. soon it was almost 1 am. i started getting angry, having visions of myself calling the mbta and forcing them to pay for my cab fare that i was about to have to shell out. the bus showed up at 1:15 am. riding home, i felt less angry about it than usual. it was refreshing. earlier in the day, i had prayed that God would give his spirit, especially the fruits of his spirit. the patience and peace i was feeling certainly wasn't from me.

every minute that passes i think of another person i'm going to see that i don't want to talk to.
my friend, while waiting to leave for a college friend's birthday party

sharing umbrellas

2006-05-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

it won't stop raining in boston. i don't get it. apparently it was almost 100 degrees yesterday in oregon. what is going on here, people? i did not sign up for this. i have cute new summer shoes and skirts and i want to wear them! i do not want to keep re-getting out my winter coats! first the winter lasts half the year, and now this!

every where i look i see couples. couples, couples, couples. snuggling on the bus. chatting it up on the subway. shopping for trendy clothes together at urban outfitters, hands intertwined. sharing umbrellas in harvard square. i try not to hate them, but sometimes i do. why do we hate people who we want to be?

there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of adorable indie semi-tatooed guys in cambridge. i see them every day. isn't there one for me?

24 hour snapshot

2006-05-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

10 pm, friday: just finished seeing blue man group with my school. freaking awesome! the best part was one of my students sitting next to me, a girl who is normally quite depressed, screaming with joy at the top of her lungs.

11 pm: out with my amazing new girl friends at the asgard in central square.

12 am: we are having a candid conversation about sex, relationships, and christian boys. i can't help but compare us to the sex and the city girls. especially since i'm wearing an outfit that has made me feel like carrie bradshaw all day.

1 am: heading home with sara, still talking about boys.

2 am - 8 am: sleeping

8 am: walking to the bus like a zombie, wearing three different pink patterns and feeling damn good about it.

9 am: arrive at work, discover the latest act of teenage defiance

10 am-4 pm: at work, dealing with the drama, trying helplessly to speak logic to hopeless teenage boys. exhausted and blowing my nose non-stop. discovering that claritin doesn't work on new england allergies.

4 pm: back on the bus, listening to music, tapping my pink shoes, drifting off to sleep...

5 pm-9 pm: napping

9 pm: eating ice cream, wasting time on the internet, trying to drudge up the motivation to clean the bomb of crap that is my room. instead, i stay in bed where it is safe.

10 pm: blogging it up. time to call my mommy.

melancholy: illuminated

2006-05-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

everything is illuminated in the light of the past jonathan safran foer

if you haven't seen the movie everything is illuminated, please go do it right now. and if you still believe in love at all, but feel a bit jaded, you should watch walk the line after that. then listen to the new amsterdams. trust me, this is the formula for happiness.

yesterday i made art on the floor a la sabrina ward harrison with my new wonderful friend sarah. sabrina just came out with this journal, partially illustrated by her, that you can add your own words and images to. sarah and i are doing it together.

on saturday night i met a bunch of my friends from work who were all out drinking. by the time i got there they were all pretty wasted, and they were ridiculously excited to see me. it was pretty hilarious.

my best friend brian is taking his future wife nicole on a honeymoon to italy. apparently he told me this was a surprise. i obviously wasn't listening if he did because a few days ago i sent her an email that said, among other things, "i'm so excited for you to go to italy! you'll love it!" they had a good laugh. i didn't really think it was funny. oops.

in two months i am going home to oregon for a week. a month or two or three ago i really didn't think i could make it until july. i have been in boston for 8 months, and in july it will have been 10, and 6 months since i've been home. i should get some sort of medal. even if i don't, i'm really proud of myself.

on friday i went to the circus for the first time in my life. it was amazing. people were flying everywhere, catching each other while dogs did the can-can on their hind legs. i watched in awe and horror, stuffing cotton candy into my gaping mouth. i realized if i ever want to fly like i do in my dreams, i'm going to have to join the circus.

do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? (who else?) the new amsterdams

thwarted...again!

2006-04-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

for the past few months, i have had a secret (and then not-so-secret) crush on an adorable boy with shocking red hair who works at the video store. every sunday at work, we rent a movie. every sunday, i see steven. we smile. we talk. i leave, grinning.

today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.

i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.

i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.

i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.

i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.

i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.

"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.

"i would..."

but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?

"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."

it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.

"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.

i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.

i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.

no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin

4 33 26

2006-04-23T22:12:00.001-07:00

lately i have been thinking about love/hate relationships, and the things i do that i really don't want to do/the things i don't do that i really want to do. i get these ideas in my head for collages, beautiful, inspiring collages, but i don't sit down and make them. instead i take long naps. i sleep in, and i find excuses. i want to sing in a band, to write songs about all the ways my heart is wrenched every day, but i don't. i think i'm not good enough, my words not original enough. and then there are the mistakes i make, the ones i know i should stop making, the behaviors i ultimately hate, but that part of me loves. life is full of so much contradiction, and so little balance.

i am officially a stylish city dweller as of last tuesday. i got an ipod. i remember when ipods were just out of my reach, and it was one of those things i wanted but never thought i'd really be able to get. thanks to the wonder of credit cards, that dream is now a reality. the best thing about my lovely white ipod (which perfectly matches my lovely white ibook) is that i bought a rainbow of little ipod crew socks to go with it. yes, i know, there are a lot of "i"s in this paragraph, a lot of "i"s in my heart, but i have a whole rationale about my new apple electronics that i will spare you, just know that it puts me at peace and doesn't make me feel so i-centered.

tonight i was riding the bus through cambridge, listening to matt nathanson on my ipod, which was wearing the lime green crew sock today, and it hit me. i can't freaking believe i live here. cambridge is the most amazing, surprising, eclectic, artistic city, and it is my city. i broke into a huge, ridiculous grin right there on the bus at 12:30 am and i asked God to help me remember what a gift it is to live here. almost four years ago, i visited boston to see my friend jen, and we took the t to cambridge, over a then unfamiliar bridge, to visit harvard. i was captivated by this town. it seemed like the kind of place i would love to live, but never would, a dream just out of my reach. as it turns out, sometimes the things we long for actually come true.

show me how pretty the world is...

tell me does the world revolve the same?
tell me do the people all take care of you
did you doubt the curve of the earth?

i'm covered by lovers
who recite lines
convinced that their bodies
are gonna save mine
but you don't know me at all

show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where the rain gets in
and i'll show you hurricanes
and the way that summer fades
underneath the weight of it all

show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
matt nathanson

you can ask me what the numbers mean, but i can't promise i'll tell you.

the whole truth and nothing but?

2006-04-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

i have encountered some people recently (don't worry, i'm not talking about any of you, i don't give my blog address to jerks) who think that as long as they are saying what they believe to be the truth, it doesn't matter how they say it, or if it's rude. it's the truth, dammit, and they are going to share it with no regard for the emotional consequences. and the worst part is, when you try and share with them how it made you feel, they just don't get it. how could the truth be rude? how could what i think not be the truth? how could i have come to the wrong conclusions?

i think i used to think a little like them, i'm ashamed to say. i have a big mouth, and i have an extremely hard time keeping information to myself, so i think i have to tell everyone everything. but i am discovering the joy of keeping some choice morsels to myself, or only sharing them with one person. i'm learning that sometimes not sharing is the best idea, and it can feel much more powerful than vomiting out all of your deepest thoughts and secrets. strangely enough, it's harder for me to hold back then to it is for me to go for it. at least in some areas of my life.

i'm acquiring a lovely collection of music on my lovely white computer. i like putting itunes on random and letting the soundtrack flow. here are some lyrics have been grabbing at my heart lately...

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time... death cab for cutie

nothing hurts when i go to sleep... ben folds

not talking about a year, or maybe three or four
i don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore
forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends... ben harper

chipped red nail polish

2006-04-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

i've had a rough couple of days.

first, i went out dancing on thursday night. that was great, and the only reason i mention it here is because when i dance like that, i exhaust myself.

so friday, i was exhausted. i was riding the bus when my friend called, and he wanted to talk about something kind of difficult. since i have manners (unlike some of the other people i ride the bus with) i did not have the conversation on the bus. instead i had to postpone it until the next night, which annoyed me to say the least.

work on friday night was crazy. one of our girls was really acting up, and i knew it was only going to continue to escalate on saturday, and i had to be back at work at 8:30 that morning. unfortunately i was right and i had to call the police due to her behavior. it was a little scary.

so saturday night, i was too exhausted to go out. so i napped and waited for the awkward phone call. it came around midnight. afterwards, i had a hard time going to sleep.

while walking to church this morning, i was congratulating myself on only being 15 minutes late. then i looked at my cell phone. as if by some evil black magic, the time had changed, and suddenly i was an hour and 15 minutes late. then it hit me like a ton of bricks (i love cliche metaphors). i had forgotten about stupid daylight savings time, just like i'd predicted i would.

so i missed the entire service. i loitered around the lobby looking for friends, located some, and spent a nice, quirky afternoon with them. we had a dollar store gift exchange. i got a loofah.

then it was back to work, where i recieved the rudest email i have ever read in my entire life. that was unpleasant, to say the least. then, to top it all off, i was sitting on the office floor and the nastiest bug i've seen in awhile (it was kind of see-through and had about a hundred legs) went scurrying by me. i attempted to smash it with my shoe while screaming, then didn't see it on the bottom of my shoe, then saw it on the side of my shoe and kicked my shoe off across the room, which landed on my bag, making me think the bug body was now in my bag. i conducted a thorough search and i never found the body. excellent.

a little fyi for all the male life of liz blog readers: women do not want to know the name of the other woman. the one you left us for, the one you dated before us, the one you like more than us. we would prefer her to remain a nameless, faceless entity. and she doesn't want to know our name, either.

those are ridiculously surprising shoes. my friend john, when he looked down and noticed my gold ballet flats in church today

surprise!

2006-04-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

surprise!

like a thief in the night
you left me
sobbing, crying
in rows of target bathing suits
motorcycle drive by
all alone

ribs ripped open
heart exposed
beating, throbbing
i want to hurt
in any way but this
but underneath your black
get up kids t, it is
still steady

singing, painting
suddenly
you return
to the scene of the crime
orange sweater and fall out boy
do me a favor
and give me a little warning
next time

patterns

2006-04-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

in the last six months, i have met and briefly dated two guys who were moving back to California.

once i start watching an episode of a crime drama or a reality show, i can't stop til the end.

since moving to boston, i have been in two car accidents, gotten one ticket, and been towed once, and bent my axle sliding into a curb in the snow.

my last two boyfriends were named matt.

even numbers from 0 to 10: i was born on 2.2.82. i graduated high school on 6.2.2000. i turned 20 on 02.02.2002. i am now 24.

i cant stop listening to the song "from california" by the new amsterdams.

i tend to naughty things when i go out dancing.

the only part of the paper i read is the living/arts section, aka the 'sidekick' in the boston globe.

my serious crushes from my junior year of high school through my sophomore year of college all had three-letter names (cam, jon, tim).

i'm obsessed with taking pictures of grafitti and stickers.

whenever i see something potentially interesting on the ground, i pick it up. if it is indeed interesting, i keep it. if not, i put it back where i found it.

if a song hurts my heart, i listen to it again and again. i like sad songs.

i stay up too late and hate getting out of my bed.

i have a chronic tardiness problem.

i buy cheap, super trendy flats from payless that i think are ugly two months later.

whenever i see a baby or toddler, i squeal, stare, and make funny faces at it.

when i get off work at midnight, i call my best friend brian to shoot the breeze. it's only 9 pm in oregon.

my 100th post!

2006-03-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

i made a mistake when i sold my car. i know that now, in every fiber of my being. i know it when it takes me an hour and a half to get to a friend's house that lives two towns over. i know it when i wait 30 minutes for the bus in freezing temperatures. i know it when i cant escape the crappy music coming out of a fellow passengers ipod who clearly has hearing damage. i know it when i have to listen to a stranger shout about her ovaries into her cell phone. i know it when it takes me an hour to get to work and it used to take me ten minutes. and most of all, i know it when i lose my $71 bus and subway pass a week before the month is over and i have to walk twenty minutes to the bus station at midnight to wait for the bus that is coming who knows when and i get hit on by an extremely creepy guy with bad breath. it's 12:15 am. i've been working for 8 hours and i'm tired. i'm sitting on a cement bench in the bus tunnel of harvard station, reading my abnormal psychology textbook, minding my own sleepy business, when a lanky, poorly dressed fellow approaches and asks for the time. i tell him. he introduces himself, i oblige and tell him my name. "liz is my favorite name," he tells me, as if i am somehow supposed to believe him. "you have pretty hair," he continues, telling me the number one thing i get told by creepy strangers on public transportation. he sits down next to me. too close next to me. he smells. i try to be nice, yet send a clear signal. "i work at legal seafoods," he volunteers. "i don't like seafood, " i reply, and attempt to go on reading about the three different types of suicide according to the sociocultural model. it doesn't work. he keeps talking. and i keep silently pleading for my bus to come, for his bus to come, for him to go away. finally, his bus comes, and he goes in for the handshake, and the inevitable question: "do you have a boyfriend?" "yes," i reply. his name is mr. right. and when he shows up, he's going to kick your ass.

spring?

2006-03-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

yesterday i was looking at my calendar and i noticed it said "first day of spring." i laughed out loud. i am sorry, but when it is 30 degrees outside and i still have to wear long johns under my pants, it is not spring. then i was looking at plane tickets, and i discovered it was 54 degrees in oregon yesterday! 54 beautiful, warm degrees! i take back what i said about oregon not having a mild climate anymore. that was before i moved to boston, where winter lasts for at least five months! i cant take it anymore, i tell you!

so i'm walking to the bus this morning, running late for class of course, and i notice it feels a hair warmer. we're talking two degrees here, but it's something. and the sky is a brillant shade of blue. the pink lenses on my sunglasses make it even bluer, but now i'm splitting hairs. but then, even though i was hauling down the street, i noticed something i couldnt make an excuse for: poking up out of the dirt behind someone's chain link fence, were crocuses! little, erupting flower buds, chirping at me that spring is here. the deadness of winter is finally ending.

confessions of a loser

2006-03-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

it's saturday night in a very happening city. how did i spend it, you might ask? well, in the spirit of openess and honesty, and in the hope that there are other losers reading this who might feel better about themselves after realizing that ultra cool people such as myself are actually total losers as well...

i spent tonight at home. alone. watching the cutting edge on the abc family channel. now that in itself isn't so bad. the cutting edge is a classic 90's flick, and i see nothing wrong with embracing my love of the 90's and figure skating, as well as cheesy, predictable romantic movies every once in awhile. maybe preferably on, say, a tuesday night, but oh well. see, the thing is, after i watched the cutting edge, i went ahead and watched the cutting edge 2: going for the gold, a new abc family original movie which came on right afterwards. the fact that the people at abc would decide to make a sequel ten years later of a movie that couldn't have been all that successful in the first place just proves my theory that hollywood is clean out of original (and not to mention quality) ideas. but then, of course, i did watch it. i don't know if you've seen the original, but in the sequel, the two main stars of the first movie are now married and have a figure skating daughter, played by the chick who used to be on even stevens on the disney channel. and of course her parents aren't played by the original stars, which goes to show that at least two people in hollywood have some integrity, or maybe are just involved in other crappy projects (moira kelly is on one tree hill, after all). anyway, she ends up changing to pairs skating and is so stuck up that the only person she can get to be her partner is a former roller blader that she once romanced in california. they fight, they fall in love, they deny it until their last skate at the olympics, they get the gold, they get each other, the plot follows the exact same outline as the original, yadda yadda blah blah blah. and i sat through the whole entire poorly acted thing. on a saturday night. in boston.

why does it seem that i have to be a lonely loser to keep from being a rebellious wrong-doer? surely their must be a balance somewhere.

the fuel of love

2006-03-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

it is a new month, and a new me. kidding. as i am discovering lately, i am still very much the old me, the making-mistakes me, the me that God only protects so much until he lets me make my own, wrong decisions. and then what happens? guilt. questions. more guilt. is guilt from God? i was talking with my friend john last night and he doesn't think it usually is. and i like that idea. his point was this: what motivates us more, God making us feel guilty or God loving us? for sure, at least for me, it's answer b. because i've been feeling guilty lately, and let me tell you, it is not very motivating. all it makes me want to do is give in to my rebellion, embrace my struggles and make more mistakes. guilt makes me feel hopeless. but God's love? his never-changing, unconditional, full of grace love? now that moves me. that makes me want to change. and best of all, it makes me feel like i can change. all hope is not lost. i guess the tricky part is letting yourself accept it, his love, i mean. because when i make i make a mistake, the last thing i want to let myself feel is his love. i don't deserve it. i deserve to be punished. and i guess that is how satan gets us. first he tempts us into sin, then he tells us after that we don't deserve to be with God, to have his love. it's quite clever, actually. satan doesn't want us to be with God. God would never be telling us to stay away until we're done feeling crappy about our sin. he wants to be with us, the real us, right now, whether we feel like we deserve it or not.

the laziest man will swim the English Channel for the woman he loves. the love of God is the only thing that can give us enough fuel to overcome sin. don miller

talking in cars with boys

2006-02-25T22:01:00.000-08:00

after work a couple of weeks ago, i noticed that mojo music was closing, and offering 50% off its merchandise. a record collector's paradise? i think yes. i couldn't help going in and embracing the familiar comfort of sifting through the musty bins of albums, searching for treasures. my favorite find? a metallic silver blue edition of carly simon's anticipation. above both of the doors in my room i have a revolving display of my favorite album covers, and i carefully selected new displays that day, thinking of my feelings lately and making sure to leave a place for carly. my front door is my "i cant wait for spring and summer and happiness" door, and it features the beach boys' endless summer, the beach boys' california girls, and frank sinatra's come fly with me. in july, i'm flying home with frank to oregon and i can't wait. then there's my closet door, representing my more brooding and current state. first comes james taylor's sweet baby james, posters of which surely graced girls' bedrooms in the 70s because he was hot hot hot. on the other side is carole king's tapestry, a classic that i recently decided one can never have enough copies of (i have three). then, in the middle, is my theme, my thesis, my carly. the day i put it up i wrote this in my journal...

"...i am carly. and you should see her on this album: bold, gorgeous, STRONG, open, vulnerable. she is saying, 'i've been through shit but i still want love. i'm waiting, i'm ready, bring it.' her body, her face, her stance and pose scream ANTICIPATION. ANTICIPATION. beautiful, wonderful, scary, lonely, brave, trusting, anticipation. what is coming next?"

lately i keep finding myself in my driveway or on my street, sitting in the warm car of whomever has been nice enough to drive me home, just talking. they don't turn off the engine, but they don't seem in a hurry. even if it's late late late, we keep talking and laughing and hashing out the insides of our hearts. or we just sit and listen to the music that's too good to get out of the car to. these times with my three guy friends have been lovely unexpected treasures at the end of busy, ordinary days, and they remind me of this feeling i have lately, the feeling that something is just around the bend, something amazing.

is there anything better than to be longing for something when you know it is within reach? greta garbo

buzzed blogging

2006-02-24T23:19:00.000-08:00

i am going to try something new. in the spirit of "drunk dialing" i bring you "buzzed blogging." yes, i am a christian and sometimes i have too much to drink. that might sound worse than it is...see, i have recently (tonight) determined that all that lies between sober me and drunk me is one measley cosmopolitan. yeah, i have no clue if i spelled measley right. i'm going to guess no. so anyway, yes, tonight i went out with my roomate and i had that cosmo and i actually learned a lesson. it's weird...i feel like before, God was letting me make mistakes, and now that i've learned some lessons from the school of hard knocks (wow, i hate that phrase), it's like he's protecting me more. don't get me wrong, i know i am ultimately responsible for my mistakes, but it's like God knows what i really want now and he knows how weak i am meanwhile and he's helping a brother (or sister, in my case) out. oh, but back to the lesson i learned. yeah, that wasn't it. the lesson of tonight is: it is possible to hang out with a bunch of cool guys, flirt a little, and not cause any permanent damage. i did that tonight and i didn't end up with a relationship, a hook-up, or any regrets. but that goes back to the God is protecting me thing. i guess what i'm really trying to say is you can go out and have fun and it doesn't always have to mean something. it doesn't always have to lead to something. lower your expectations a little, and let it be enough that you are enjoying tonight, showing a couple of guys named alex what a crappy pool player you are.

close encounters

2006-02-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

since i last wrote a mere 11 days ago, 6 things from my "things i'm looking forward to" list have happened. not bad! i used my T pass. it ruled. swipedy-swipe swipe swipe! that's me with my T pass! i got my massive tax refund. and we're talking massive. we're talking i almost crapped my pants when i saw my checking balance. i got my birthday package from my mommy in the mail. it was full of lovely sweet things which i opened while talking to my mom on the phone the morning of my birthday. this wasn't on my list, but it should have been: i survived my birthday. now i just have to make it through valentine's day. i spent a ridiculous amount of money on a new pair of shoes, black wedges with wood soles, wore them out, had to take them off 'cause they hurt so bad. function over fashion my ass! and, yesterday, i got brian's mp3 player in the mail. walking down the streets and being able to choose my soundtrack brings me great joy. and finally, my next crush...

it's a tuesday night. freezing cold. i'm riding the T to a small group from my new church. the group is supposed to be artsy-fartsy, and co-ed. artsy...good, co-ed, bad. or good. or bad. like i always do on the T, i'm checking out the peops. okay, fine, i'm checking out the guys. we pull into a station, and three attractive twenty-somethings walk into the car, one of whom is a very handsome male who stands right in front of me and grabs the pole attached to my seat. he reaches into his bag. he pulls out a book. it looks remarkably like...no! could it be? it is! he just whipped out a bible! so here's this hot guy, standing right in front of me on the T, reading the bible! i contemplate making some sort of move...then he starts talking to his friends about how they are going to a small group! and i think...could they be going to MY artsy-fartsy co-ed small group? could it be? i'm about to ask them...something...and then they get off, disappear right out the doors they came in, and he is gone. i feel strangely cheated. i get to the small group. he is not there. but someone even hotter is. i tell my new friends the story of hot bible boy. they laugh. i spend most of the night thoroughly enjoying the company of these amazing, creative people, people i can hardly believe are christians. not because they behave in some "sinful" way, but because they aren't stereotypical, they're creative, and they're not afraid to admit their faults and struggles. i spend the other part of the night staring at the hot guy, a new crush developing beyond my control. this guy is completely out of my league. he must have a girlfriend. how could this guy not have a girlfriend? he is wearing amazing shoes, which is always the green light for a new crush in my book. this is why a co-ed small group is a bad idea. but this is also why i have hope. what did i learn from this night of close encounters with christian hotties? that they are out there, that's what. and one of them has got my name written on him, in huge, metaphorical letters.

when will winter end already?

2006-01-31T21:13:00.000-08:00

things i'm looking forward to:

1. brian and nicole's wedding in july...i'm going to be a bridesmaid and go home for a whole week!
2. my mommy visiting me next month
3. using my brand-new combo bus/subway pass tomorrow and no longer making sure my wallet is stocked with $1 bills
4. getting my massive tax refund
5. getting a mac laptop with my very own wireless!
6. SUMMER
7. holding "my" new baby boys
8. my next crush
9. starting grad school
10. a birthday package from my mom in the mail
11. being debt-free
12. following a budget
13. my next pair of new shoes
14. buying and wearing red tights
15. not being cold
16. feeling settled
17. finding out if i need glasses
18. brian's mp3 player coming in the mail
19. having a baby
20. seeing season 2 of lost

alone, alive

2006-01-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

last week i lost a couple of things that were important to me.

tuesday: car
thursday: boyfriend

so i guess you could say i had a hard week. there's nothing quite like living in a city for four months and then suddenly feeling like you just moved there all over again. i mean, that's not entirely true, i have friends and a great job and all that jazz, but there was a moment last week where i felt more alone than i have ever felt in my entire life. yeah, that was a crappy moment.

from the night it happened, under the wrenching pain of a broken heart, i saw it for what it really was: a much-needed chance to start over, to get back on the right path, to finally put an end to the shenannagins. i felt God saying to me, "there you go. i made the decision for you, solved your problem, and now you can get on with your life." and for the first time in a few years, i actually WANTED to. i wanted to stop pushing the boundaries of what God wants for me, and ultimately, what i want for myself. i've tried out the other way, and i've found it lacking.

the problem i am now facing is a little thing called the interim. this all sounded fine and good last week, when the emotions were fresh and my resolve was strong. but now i'm lonely and depressed. i guess i'm going through the grief cycles or some crap. i find myself thinking very angry thoughts while walking down the street...angry thoughts mostly aimed at the exBF and random couples passing me. so, my worry is i won't stay strong in the time until "the right one" comes along, which my cynical mood of late causes me to ask "is there really such a thing?"

when matt and i first started dating, he made me a mix CD. little did he know at the time that one of the songs on it would become the soundtrack to our breakup, at least in my mind. it was stuck in my head for a week after thursday, and i found myself marveling at how perfectly it described the situation and begging it to go away.

summer time and the wind is blowing...and i don't know what i'm doing in this city...and that's when i knew, that i could never have you...i knew that before you did...now i'm the one who's stupid...i hope you take a piece of me with you...and there's things i'd like to do that you don't believe in...and this will be the last time we'll be friends again...i'll get over you and you'll wonder who i am...and there is this burning like there's always been...i've never been so alone and i've never been so alive

third eye blind, motorcycle drive by

post-christmas carnage report

2006-01-02T09:34:00.000-08:00

i am sitting in my car typing on my roomate's laptop, staring longingly at my front door, but unable to go inside. why? because someone left the gas stove on all night and now our apartment is full of gas. i have been wandering town, aimless and exhausted, for the last three hours. adding to my frustration is the fact that every business is closed in observance of new year's day, not allowing me to take care of the phone calls on my to do list. all i want to do is go inside and sleep, but i'm afraid i'll never wake up or wake up on fire. woe is me.

i am a magnet for insane people. that is the only explanation i can come up with to justify the crazy interactions i have been having with some of my fellow humans lately. a couple of weeks ago, i was brutally cussed out and verbally assaulted by a stranger on the streets of cambridge, because i walked ever-so slightly in front of her friend's stroller. i'm pretty sure i would have gotten my ass kicked had i been drawn in by her shouts of "turn around when i'm talking to you, bitch!" but luckily i maintained my composure and ignored her. then there were the girls in the back of the bus a few weeks back. i was already severely traumatized by having to wait outside in 20 degree weather for an hour for the bus, which was of course extremely crowded. i managed to find a seat next to a very outspoken girl in the back, next to all of her very outspoken friends. they sat across from me, pulling brand-new scandalous underwear and patterned socks out of thier shopping bags, ripping off the tags, and throwing them violently on the bus floor while muttering, "stupid bitch bus driver, i dont give a BEEP if i mess up your bus..." i stared in awe, trying to pretend like it was normal every day behavior, while the girl next to me annouced she missed her wife and slid her arm around the back of my seat. then they all started talking about some club they go to to bump and grind, and then the outspoken girl next to me blurts out one of, if not the, all time best stranger quotes i have ever heard: "everyone who goes into that club either comes out pregnant or a lesbian. and i came out both." holy crap, my brain screamed, as i tried my best to act nonchalant until i finally got my chance to bolt off the bus to safety.

this is just a sampling of the most extreme people i have encountered. there was also the classic "inconsiderate cell phone woman" on the bus who shouted for all to hear, "i told you! i get to keep my left ovary! they're taking out the right one!" and someday, if i have the energy, i will tell you about rita, the crazy woman who is trying to buy my car online. i thought autotrader.com was a pretty safe place, but it turns out by posting your car there, you are actually applying for a possibly illegal middleman position in international business. intrigued? confused? so am i.

on a lighter note, my life has been significantly enhanced by a magazine i found recently...FOUND magazine. people send in random letters, photos, and strange randomness that they find, and it is the most fascinating thing ever. i am hooked. since starting to read it, i have been keeping my eyes to the ground, and i have already found some interesting finds. the best were several crates of abandoned albums outside of one of cambridge's many record stores. i sat right down on the wet sidewalk and helped myself to the mountain of treasure, and realized for the hundredth time why i love this city.

and now, the moment you all have been waiting for...the post-christmas carnage report! it turns out the online wish list was a brillant idea, and i made quite a killing! as i said before, i got my label maker, my computer saavy (and just saavy in general) uncle got me the queen size blue blanket, i got sweaters, socks and underwear, of course, and my mommy got me a really warm, really long, really thick scarf. since that worked out so well, keep your eyes peeled for my grown up birthday list, coming soon to a blog near you.

www.foundmagazine.com go there! i guarantee you will be moved, inspired, and intrigued.

the human body!

2006-01-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

i got to spend four days at home for Christmas, and it was splendid. it was a bit crazy and stressful at first, but by the end i had thoroughly enjoyed myself. i got to see my mom, my dad, my brother jake, brian, nicole, shanna, david and geneva, matt, nicole and matea, kari, denice and her fam, my grama and wil. that was a lot of people to cram into four days, but it was worth it. here are some of the highlights...

quality time with my mommy! we ate her goodies, watched a lifetime movie, chatted it up, snuggled, and played with her kitten, zoey. she even got me my label maker!

daddy daughter bonding! my dad is so cute when he sees me after a long absence...he makes me food, chills my milk glass in the freezer, and takes me shopping at good ol' fred meyer for a christmas gift. while we were there, i kept seeing all these people that i used to work with 6-7 years ago (dang, that's hard to believe) and so i says to my dad, i says, "seeing all these people that i used to work with still working here makes me want to throw up." a little while later he looks at me and says, "liz...seeing all these people shopping here who have been shopping here forever makes me want to puke!" whenever i spend a significant chunk of time with my dad, it's impossible to ignore the me is see in him. it makes me smile.

expectations, expectations, expectations! i came up with a slogan for my trip home..."every one wants a piece of the liz pie!" i had lunch with my friend wil and he tells me beforehand "i rearranged my entire christmas schedule for this one lunch...so it better be good. bring your a-game." he was kidding, of course, but the quote represents how i felt at times...like i'd better be in a good mood because i only got to see some people once. but then i met up with my friend kari. we greeted each other, rejoiced, and then she said, "i'm really sorry, but i'm in a really bad mood." "I'M in a really bad mood!" i replied excitedly. and then we proceeded to have one of our usual brutally honest heart to hearts. and that's why i love kari.

and, of course, there was my precious geneva and matea. matea gave me a personal tour of their new house, making sure to show me the most important thing, her new sequined ballet outfit. she then put on her rainbow tights and matching ballet slippers with the outfit and showed me her dancing skills. cutest thing ever! geneva was so excited to see me that she was dancing and shaking her arms all around. shanna asked her to tell me what her favorite thing was and she looked right at me, eyes wide, face elated, and said, "the human body!" i was so surprised i couldn't help but laugh. "what's your favorite thing about the human body?" shanna then asked her. "bones!" she said. some people i have shared this with think it is creepy, but i think it's freaking adorable. my geneva, she's so smart.

so geneva and matea are both about three years old, and both of their moms are having baby boys next month! i am so excited that i screamed and jumped up and down in nicole's kitchen. i got to feel the baby moving around in her tummy, and it was so cool! i told everyone that i am planning a longer visit for the middle of next year, solely to hold the babies. anyone else who wants to see me can, but they will have to visit with me while i am holding the babies.

other nuggets (that one's for you, wil) worth mentioning are my ever-witty banter with brian (we're both still on our a-game), the fact that i can be quite bitchy when i'm in a bad mood, and, it turns out i can do suduko! i'm not an idiot after all!

irrationality

2005-12-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

i am so damn moody. and the thing is, my moodiness is irrational. take today for example...

trying to win a stuffed monkey from one of those game machines with the grabbing claw, and not suceeding after several tries...depressed.

finally winning the stuffed animal after using approximately fifty tokens...elation!

wanting to hang out with matt tonight but not being able to...sad.

finding matt the perfect christmas present...happy!

discovering the insane and creepy world of myspace, and viewing with morbid curiousity my former high school and college classmates...entertained.

spending so much time doing the previous activity that my shoulder cramped up and i found one of my best friends and saw that she had 179 contacts...depressed again.

what is up with myspace, anyway? people are freaking obsessed! i mean, it sucked me right in. i'm all for keeping in touch with people, but i like to exercise a bit of restraint for the purposes of my sanity. the lame thing is, i look at people's myspace pages and how many contacts they have and i feel like i have to catch up or else i am lame.

my shoulder hurts, and i've overdosed on the internet again. i think i'm going to be sick.

my grown-up christmas list

2005-12-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

why does food make me sooo happy? i started my last post with what i just ate, so what the hey, i'll do it again! two grilled cheese sandwiches, a bowl of delicious organic tomato soup, and the remainders of a container of ben and jerry's phish food. notice a common denominator? ice cream. i love ice cream.

yesterday i was driving home with matt, after a rousing double-date game of candlepin bowling, which i had never heard of in oregon, you use balls that fit in the palm of your hand and the pins are tall and skinny, and it's quite fun, although challenging, and we were listening the all christmas music, all the time radio station and what should come on but a cover of amy grant's holiday classic, my grown-up christmas list. i realize that amy grant's christmas album may not have been a part of your childhood christmases, but it was certainly a part of mine, and i belted that cheesy song out like there was no tomorrow. what with the song, and the time of year, i have decided to make a christmas wish list and post it here for all the world (okay, my friends, family, and those freaking idiots who keep spamming me).

what i want for christmas:

1. no more lives torn apart
2. that wars would never start
3. that time would heal all hearts
4. everyone would have a friend

JUST KIDDING! that's what amy grant wants for christmas! well, some of it anyway. she also wants right to always win and love to have no end, but whatever. it's a nice sentiment and all, but i think she's missing the point. isn't christmas about what people want for thier selfish little selves?

what i really want for christmas:

1. a label maker
2. a cheap sewing machine
3. a north face fleece
4. a flicker pro account
5. steve madden shoes
6. a website
7. a hands-free headset
8. sweaters
9. socks
10. underwear
11. acceptance to lesley's art therapy program
12. a mac laptop loaded with design software
13. a monthly bus pass
14. a blue queen size blanket
15. three weeks at home
16. a cure for laziness
17. a drumset
18. an art desk
19. books
20. sex and the city: the complete series dvd set
21. harsher punishments for parole violators...i mean, world peace! (miss congeniality)
22. really warm gloves
23. a really long, really thick, really warm scarf
24. a paper shredder with a credit card slot

okay, enough. see, the thing about me and christmas is, my happiness during and on christmas is not really related to whether or not i get these things. obviously some of them are a joke, or atleast a dream request that i threw in just for kicks, or things i'll have to just buy or earn for myself. all i really, really want is a label maker. i know it's odd, but it's true. what can i say? i love to label! ok, i want the paper shredder, too. identidy theft is a real threat these days, people! and i'm really sick of ripping my bank statements and old checks into tiny pieces and throwing the pieces away into three different trash cans. buy me a paper shredder, and i will no longer have to live my life in constant fear. thank you.

i feel really worldly and disgusting after this little exercise in html and consumerism. so don't let me to forget to mention a worthy cause AND great gift idea: world vision.

ok, i am nauseous from too much internet. ew.

i heart...everything

2005-11-23T17:18:00.000-08:00

watching one tree hill. eating microwave mac and cheese. finishing it off with some peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. the kind with the big chunky peanut butter ripples in it. happy.

the kids at my school had to make "what i'm thankful for" lists and read them at our thanksgiving celebration today. so the other day during their homework period i decided to make one, too. caution: this is an exhaustive list. well, the most exhaustive list i could make in about 20 minutes.

doing scary things. witty banter. turrets. God. concerts. the red line. the T. prayer. kissing. sky. movies. the kids at castle. the boston skyline over the charles. my family. books. loki, the castle dog. BJ, my dog at home. sammy, socks, and lucy, my cats at home. merlin, matt's cat at home. babies. harry potter. toddlers. beanies. puppies. dogs. brian. shopping. kittens. cats. matt. sleeping. chameleons. geneva. my bed. porsches. driving fast with a manual. matea. my roomates. VWs. the dixons. kemi. volvos. the cummings'. thiessens/diekers/wolffs. denice. kari. old friends. new friends. old people. mcminnville. my middle name (irene). artistic talent. mindless tv. the cameo. art. zoolander. God providing. writing. writing. my blog. worship. words. flickr. guitar. humor. photography. grace. cynical-ness. my cameras. freedom from worry and anxiety. music. my car. drumming. my job. psychology. singing. my new home in boston. proofreading. tim. paper. prismacolors. paint. pens. 6B drawing pencils. singing in the car. random moments. tall fun socks. anything tiny. mike's hard cranberry lemonade. washington apples. bailey's irish cream. kahlua. albums. album covers. old record players. oregon. new york city. massachusetts. growth. the road trip. challenge. pain. love. memories. rowdy competitive sports. college. labeling. organization. decorating my room. last year on my own, in mac. public transportation. the internet (sometimes). my life. i'm healthy. airbags. my life. ikea. learning the hard way. movie quotes. taking a chance with a guy. inside jokes. man arms. jackets. spontaneity. my body. shoes. purses. boundaries. thrift stores. fashion. support systems. traditions. vintage. antiques. nostalgia. crossing the line. treasures. cheese. garage sales. collage. mr. moon. chocolate. sex and the city. clouds. italian food. silliness. dancing. tight hugs. dancing. yummy food. scarves. black papermate pens.

you think your days are ordinary and no one ever thinks about you but we're all the same and she can hardly breathe without you keane

caution: abundant run-ons

2005-11-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

sorry it has been so long. i am alive and well, quite well, actually. i know many of you have been wondering what possibly offensive comments i have been deleting off of my blog, and, sorry to disappoint you, but it's just not that interesting. they are spam comments, people! for example: you've got a great blog here. check out my site at hotatlantaescorts.com. you get the idea. it's lame.

i am just sitting here in my boyfriend's apartment using his internet, which is one of the many things he is useful for. hee hee. last night we went and saw the midnight show of the new harry potter movie, and it was pretty good. all of my male friends (including the bf) seem to have crushes on hermoine, and i have to admit, i kind of have one on her, too. she's getting hot!

okay, i wrote that stuff the other day and just couldn't drudge up the motivation to finish, so i am back. something terribly tragic happened to me this evening...we are having this big thanksgiving celebration at my work, and i signed up to make pumpkin cream cheese bread, which my mom makes every year and i love, love, love. so tonight at work i made a giant double batch of it, carefully measuring out the ingredients with the mish mash of cooking utensils in the school kitchen drawers, making a huge mess just like i do every time i bake, spraying pumpkin batter all over the walls and on a few stray students. after an hour, my toil was complete and it was time to put the bread in our ghetto oven to cook. i checked on it diligently and even called my mom to make sure i knew how to tell when it was done. then we started watching a movie, a very scary movie, a movie called the grudge. i don't know if you've seen it, but it's freaking horrifying mostly because it involves a freaky little asian boy with lots of eyeliner, and we all know little kids are the creepiest thing ever in scary movies, and he won for the freakiest creepy kid i've ever seen on screen. so i'm watching the movie, screaming occasionally, peeking through my fingers which are clasped to my agonized face, figuring that i'll just have to suffer through the whole thing in the hopes that in the end it will be explained and i'll be able to sleep tonight. that's when my fellow staff member asked the ever important question: did you take your bread out of the oven? i think you know the answer to that one. as i stood over the stove, looking down at my poor, petrified bread, the kids throwing jokes at me about nerf football bread loaves and the like, i kind of wanted to cry, but i didn't. i held it in. and tomorrow, i'm going to make some more damn bread. why? because i'm a professional, damn it.

in case you're wondering, the middle was still good. and after the kids were asleep, i tore those poor loaves apart, helped myself to the warm delicious goodness in the middle, and felt my anger and sadness melt away. coping skills, people. it's all about coping skills.

sometimes i have mixed feelings about being here in boston without my oregon peops, and then i'm walking through the amazing city of cambridge and i see a guy on a bike with an accordian strapped to his back, and i know everything is going to be okay.

dreaming of yiz

2005-11-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

so two months is apparently how long i can go without being significantly homesick. i was talking to shanna tonight and she described it so well...you might be living somewhere (say, oregon) and feel like some of your needs aren't getting met there, so you move somewhere else (say, boston) and bam! you get those needs met, or at least start to. but the needs you where getting met in oregon aren't getting met now in boston, so, in a way, you're back to square one. it's just a different square one then before.

dont get me wrong. as much as i might express homesickness, i really do love it here. and i still think i'm in the right place, which is highly comforting. i just wish i could have my family and oregon friends and especially oregon babies (geneva and matea and their soon-to-be-born baby brothers!!) here with me in my new life. i suppose in this life you can never have all of your needs met all at once. but it would be nice.

shanna told me that she was driving with geneva the other day and out of the blue, geneva said "i'm dreaming about yiz." (that's what she calls me). how cute is that? then she said, "i want her to come home now." i want to come, home, too, geneves! i can't wait to see her at christmas. i swear that girl is the love of my life! no offense, anyone else.

brains say the darnest things!

2005-10-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

so last night i leave work at midnight and start walking in the pouring rain the 10-15 minutes to the harvard square bus station. i was not happy about this, as i usually have my car. (no, i haven't sold it yet). i'm walking down the sidewalk in the dark feeling slightly apprehensive when i find myself praying "God, please protect me as I go home...I'm not in the mood to get attacked right now..." once i realized what i was saying, i found it quite humorous, as if i'm ever in the mood to get attacked. whenever i imagine getting attacked i like to think i could escape through sheer cleverness and a sudden outburst of physical strength and skill, but in reality i figure if i manage to escape it will be narrow and lucky. assuming i do have my pepper spray on me (which, by the way, you're supposed to get a permit to carry in massachusetts) i would have to rummage around in my purse for it while beating off my attacker, get it out of the little red leather case, turn the switch to spray mode, and finally aim and fire in my assailant's eyes. there is way to much margin for error in this scenario, which is why i think i should just keep my car.

by the time i reached my house last night i was so wet that even my underwear had managed to get wet ( i know what you're thinking, and ha ha, very funny) and my pant legs were soaked up to the knees. my vans were drenched as it is impossible to avoid every puddle on the crappy streets of boston when you are hurrying in the dark, and i was not happy. my brain was in a frenzy wondering why people wear warm, waterproof jackets in the winter but not warm, waterproof pants. i mean, i could walk around in snow pants and be quite comfy but i would not be socially accepted. don't people's legs get cold in the winter? and if i wear long johns under my jeans, i'll get steaming hot every time i go in a building. what's a poor, skeletal girl to do? i've pretty much decided that if i do end up not having a car in the winter here, i am going to have to wear a snow suit and snow boots. people can stare all they want, and i will glare back at them bitterly, wondering how on earth they are managing not to freeze.

stick it to the kev

2005-10-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

the more things change, the more they stay the same. here i am in my local public library using the computer to update my blog. my fellow computer users are much quieter here though, defying the stereotype that bostonians are ruder than oregonians. the only computer available was the one with the huge, engulfing screen and the giant letters on the keys that take up the entire button. but i'm not complaining, i'm just trying not to look down lest i propel myself into a state of utter annoyance (something that is pretty easy to do when you're me).

i am discovering that selling your car is about as fun as moving from one apartment to another. read: NOT FUN. the readers of craigslist:boston seem to be just as poor as me which makes me wonder why they are wasting my time looking at my car in the first place, just to end up telling me that, they too, are going to ride the T (the subway). i've had about eight people come and test drive my car and still no offers. i was kind of hoping this would be the kind of sale like my drums were, the ripping off the band aid kind, where my car would be gone before i even realized what had happened. but no. now, with each passing day, i only want to keep my car more as i simultaneously realize that i can't afford to keep it. grrr.

two potential car buyers have risen above the rest in the annoyance category. the first is the socially impaired boy who sent me this gem of an email, which i must preface by saying i am asking $2300 for my car:

hi. i saw your listing on craigslist and im very interested in buying your car. i currently have a deal with another person on craigslist who is selling the exact same car for $1000. the only thing is that the communication isnt that great. im willing to give you the $1000 and im willing to pick up the car tomorrow. please keep in touch. im really interested in buying this type of car and honestly i hope i can purchase it from you. thanks alot and hopefully i will be buying your car. thanks.

what a presumptuous butthole! i was so annoyed when i read this that i think i probably screamed. who does he think he is? he thinks he can just send me an email, without ever even looking at my car, offering LESS THAN HALF of what i'm asking? 'hopefully i will be buying your car'? i think not. hopefully you will learn some social skills.

the second nimrod i unfortunately met today when he came to see my car. i had a bad feeling about him because his name is kevin and he signs his emails "kev." sure enough, kev was a complete tool. he's one of those people who thinks they know everything about cars and so proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong and is going to be wrong with my car. according to him, the clutch is about to go out, the alternator needs work, the muffler leaks, water is seeping into my car from every window, and despite my constant statements to the contrary, there absolutely has to be electrical problems because all 1994 vw golf’s have electrical problems. he just knows these things. and the real icing on the cake was when i showed him where the paint is cracking on my bumper and he chipped some off! what the hell? just because that's going to happen eventually anyhow and according to him my car will probably explode in the next five seconds is no excuse to pick paint off of someone else's bumper. the test drive was sheer hell: a time for him to display his infinite knowledge of automobiles and put my poor little car through every possible test while i rolled my eyes constantly at the back of his head and mumbled obscenities under my breath. finally, he declared that it is "a pretty good car" which i found amazing after his thorough assessment of its faults. after he left, i did scream and jump up and down in sheer annoyance. the worst part is, if he wants to buy it for a reasonable price i'm going to have to sell it to him, even though the last thing i want to do is give my beautiful, wonderful car to such an a-hole. do you see what happens when you're poor? you're forced to surrender your principles. you're forced to shop at walmart and support the man and eat cheap, crappy food. my life is a walking, breathing example of the fundamental problems in our country.

ahhh...the sweet bliss of overdramatic blogging. this is one of the only ways i can still stick it to the man, so thank God it’s free.

i miss my cheese

2005-10-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

when i moved here i obviously realized it would mean losing some things. i knew i would have to adjust to not living near the majority of my friends and family, not seeing matea and geneva every week or two, and not living in green and rainy oregon. but there were some things, i am coming to realize, that i didn't even know i was giving up. no, these things wouldn't have kept me in oregon, but i am still mourning thier loss, however small.

1. tillamook cheese

for as long as i can remember, tillamook medium (and occasionally sharp) cheddar cheese has been a major staple of my diet. i always had to have a brick of it on hand, and no substitute would do, especially not nasty kraft american singles. so imagine my shock and horror when, on my first grocery shopping trip in boston, i couldn't find my precious brick of tillamook cheese in the dairy section. i just stood there, mouth gaping, unable to believe the absence of something so important to me. my friend pat tells me they sell it at whole foods, but i have yet to verify this rumor.

2. the fred meyer day-after-thanksgiving sock sale

the past several thanksgivings it has been my mom and me's tradition to hit the annual day after thanksgiving sock sale at our local fred meyer. i was gazing at one of my favorite sock sale finds, a worn-out pair of tall, striped beauties, when it occured to me: they don't even HAVE fred meyer here, let alone the sock sale! where will i get my yearly supply of socks? what will i do the day after thanksgiving? mom, you're going for me and sending me the socks. this is what i have decided.

3. when the rain drops, the temperature drops

not so in boston! it's been raining for the last few days and it is so freaking humid! i hate this muggy-ness! in oregon, when it rains, it (generally) cools off and you can enjoy it. you can frolic in it without breaking a sweat. you can wear proper rain attire without feeling like your body is on fire. here, you have to keep wearing shorts and flip flops and blast the a.c. and try not to care that your toes are soaking wet.

disclaimer

2005-10-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

alright, time for a long overdue disclaimer about that lovely little poem i wrote about my accident. i am fine! no broken bones, no permenant damage (i hope), i am perfectly okay. i didn't mean to freak you all out with that poem, and wil, kari, and denice, and whoever else i scared the crap out of, i apologize. it was never my intention.

speaking of head-on collisions, i have certainly collided head-on with my new life in boston. i've been here a month now and i've already dated two guys, been in a major car accident, and had a major identidy crisis. and some of those things aren't really past tense. i have realized that it is unwise to discuss certain issues in my blog, however tempted i may be, but i will say that i've met a very nice guy named matt and he is very sweet to me. yesterday he had (minor) surgery (yes, i just cant stay away from hospitals) and i took him and brought him home and nursed him back to health. i mean, all i really did was take care of him, not "nurse him back to health" but i just like that phrase and i've been using it as much as possible. after his surgery when he was recovering, he walked around a tiny bit, sat back down, and promptly passed out. it was so freaky! he was only out for like 30 seconds, but it was scary. his head just dropped into his chest and he instantly started snoring. after that we spent a good couple of hours making sure he wasn't going to pass out again, drinking tiny apple juices and ginger ales, reading outdated magazines, and getting to know the nurses. this one nurse, maureen, was wearing these extremely see-through white pants and entirely visible white underwear underneath. i couldn't stop staring at her poor, exposed butt, and silently wishing she had had the common sense to realize how transparent her pants were so that everyone who looked at her wasn't placed in the horribly awkward position of wanting to tell her but not being able to. it really was tragic.

i really like my new job, although it has its ups and downs just like any other job. i'm getting to know all of the kids here, and i like each of them a lot in their own unique ways. there are a lot of rules and routines to learn, and just time and experience that need to take place. but most of the time i'm not bored and i feel like i am in the right place, working to help others, and working with others, which is so refreshing after the chalk art solitude.

head-on collision

2005-09-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

riding in the passenger seat
grey blur of road, blueness of sky
complacent

sudden flash of red
BAM!
no time
brief blackness
deflating airbags
pain and shock
spidered, broken glass

sluggish and slow
call 911!
try to get out
my door wont open enough
am i okay?

stranger helps me out
pain in my leg
pain in my neck
pain in my face
lips burning
stranger helps me to the grass

car on fire
why aren't they putting it out?
stranger pulls me up
by my armpits
get away from the car!
i don't want my purse to burn up.
danielle gazes past me, in shock.

sirens, voices
the sound of my own crying
neck brace strapped around me
emt propping me up
aching back
you need to calm down.
sobbing, choking
i want my family.
you need to try and calm down.

laid flat on my back
pant leg chopped open with scissors
does this hurt?
does this hurt?
strapped to a back board
dont move your neck.
blue tape stretched over my forehead
over my chin.
i couldn't move if i wanted to

waiting, tears streaming
pale blue sky and evergreen branches
voices of people i cannot see
boughs blowing in the soft wind

lifted up, put in ambulance
my name is pat.
are you having trouble breathing?
questions, questions, questions
i crack some jokes, because i'm scared
danielle still beside me
bumpy ride
searing pain in my head
ambulance roof, white metal
gray strip of cushion
running down the middle

south shore hospital
please take off this blue tape.
it hurts so bad.
more questions
more strangers
i want my mommy.
shadow of a moth
trapped in the ceiling light
something to focus on
put her in room 32.
we'll take it off as soon as we can.
i cant stand the pain

left alone in room 32
on a back board, on a gurney
no one comes
the pain and pressure build
white lights, blinding
blurry television, bob saget
checkerboard ceiling panels
blurred through my tears

clawing at the blue tape
i manage to loosen it
rebellious, i grope for my cell
call tim, the only friend i have
in my new home
leave frightened message
finally nurse comes

tape removed
sweet freedom
my new bed is like clouds
compared to the rock hard backboard
dr. murphy
he's hot
he pokes me everywhere
sometimes it hurts

hours alone, flat on my back
calming down
x-rays, left alone in hallways
waiting for transport
God, Jesus, what are you trying to tell me?
nothing? anything?

all i know right now is
i am still alive

someday i will be loved

2005-09-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my second day at work and it was much better. i guess i just felt more comfortable my the end of the day. i've been listening to death cab for cutie's new cd, plans, as tim is in love with them and i am going to their show with him next month. this one song stole my heart as soon as i heard it, so i am going to share the words with you, because that is what i do when this happens.

"Someday You Will Be Loved"

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

i am getting this anxious feeling like i have to do it all...and my all, i mean, show my work in galleries, make art, set up a studio, join a band...why do the things i love become items on my to do list? and why am i so lazy? i used to be so motivated back in high school, i did all of my homework and all of those extracurriculars and now all i want to do after work is sleep. i hate it. i long for the motivation i need to sustain me and all of my dreams and ambitions. i am never going to accomplish anything at this snail's pace. so frustrating. how do i choose how to spend my free time, the precious free time when i'm not tired? how can i find the balance between being patient with myself and pursuing what i want wholeheartedly?

i miss oregon

2005-09-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

today was my first day at my new job. it was weird. i think i'll like it eventually but i have everyone there telling me that the first few months will be weird. so my first few months in boston will be weird, and my first few months at my job will be weird...fun times! at this moment, i want to go home. but i dont at the same time. i just want my oregon friends and family. and i want instant joy here, but i know i have to earn it. it's a pretty lonely place. don't get me wrong, my roomates are rad and i am getting to know some cool people, but none of them are my best friends.

i hate the feeling that i am just waiting for something exciting to happen, something to entertain me. that seems dangerous. it takes time to set up a quality support system, to make a life for yourself in a new city. the problem is, at times it's not very fun.

sunrise with rv

2005-09-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

sunrise with rv
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

my favorite shot from the road trip

better together

2005-09-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

well, i am back to finish my story.

as the evening came on of our second day, we were heading through illinois for chicago. i just kept right on driving, and brian and i just kept right on talking. we were having one of those great, honest, best friend conversations and brian declared, "i think i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!" i had my doubts about this claim, and they were confirmed when brian passed out next to me about an hour later, apparently bored to death from my endless rambling. we had already passed through the bright lights of the windy city, and i kept going for as long as i could, eventually stopping for gas at a truck stop in illinois or indiana. "brian..." i whined. "i'm tired." he mumbled something about staying at the truck stop for awhile, so i pulled the car into an emptier section of the parking lot and tried my hand at sleeping with the steering wheel. not pleasant. brian slept on like a baby, undisturbed by the lights and noises and steering wheels that kept waking me up, not to mention the worry that once brian regained consciousness he was going to be pissed that we had stopped for so long. after about four hours, i decided to wake up and keep going. i downed some red bull, chewed on some bubblicious, and drove on until the sun rose and brian finally awoke. he declared that this was the moment of the road trip for which he was most proud of me, for continuing on while he was incapacitated. i only had one reply: "i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!"

we calculated that we should arrive in boston around 7 pm that evening, and soon brian took up driving again for the rest of the journey. road trip nastiness was setting in...we both stank and needed to shave, our tummies hurt from too many snacks...and i was becoming delirious from being trapped in the car for two days and starting to get sad about moving. we passed through indiana, ohio, and pennsylvania, and somewhere in there we had to pay our first toll. brian was still asleep at this point, and i went into the "exact change" lane on accident. well, i didn't have exact change, so i threw what i had into the metal bucket and then roused brian for guidance. he suggested getting out and walking over to the booth to pay the lady, and, despite my doubts, i exited the vehicle. people immediately began honking and shouting, the toll booth lady yelled "get back in your car! just go! get back in your car!" embarrassed and humilated, i ran back to the car and sped off as fast as i could.

we passed the afternoon by driving right through the middle of the beautiful state of new york. i was innocently enjoying the scenery when all of sudden brian struck me in the throat. he didn't hit me that hard, but he scared me and i started gasping for breath and crying and laughing at the same time. a lesser man might have freaked out about this reaction, but brian just pulled over and let me sob for awhile. for the last few years, i seem to need some kind of trigger to actually start crying when i need to cry. apparently, brian smacking me in the throat triggered my sadness about moving and leaving everyone, so i let it all out at a rest stop in new york city, and then we headed onward.

around 8 pm eastern time, approximately 54 hours after starting our journey, we finally located my new home in boston. we had been driving for 2.25 days and shelled out around $300 for gas and $30 for tolls. my wonderful little car, now aptly nicknamed the rhinestone cowboy, made it 3200 miles without incident. brian and i spent two lovely days in boston, and then we said goodbye at the subway station in harvard sqaure. i cried, of course, and watched him descend the stairs into the subway before turning around and walking into my new life, all by myself.

mama says...

2005-09-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

i am in boston and back online, baby! i have finally located the free internet access at my new town library and now i am ready and rearing to blog! i know you all have been dying to hear about the road trip, so here goes...

we departed the beautiful blue and green state of oregon on wednesday evening, august 31st. i drove the relatively short 3 hours up to kemi's house in seattle, and we stayed the night there. kemi (unlike brian) was nice enough to give me a butt massage since my ass hurt from the driving. if only she could have come along for the rest of the ride. it was great to see kemi and her fam, and we took off for our big adventure the next morning, thursday, september 1st, at 10:45 am pacific time.

i made myself and brian proud by driving the first leg of the journey, a 7 hour trek that took us through washington, the tip of idaho, and finally to missoula, montana. i blasted the stereo, ate my mom's homemade cookies, and brian read harry potter like a mad man. he angered me greatly (okay, slightly) by reading ahead to the end and finding out who the half blood prince is and who dies. my ass kept aching, and i made brian shove my pillow under it for awhile, which slightly helped but made me extremely tall and made the angle of my leg on the gas pedal extremely awkward. we decided to stop for dinner at costco in missoula, despite my protest that costco doesn't sell tacky souvenirs. brian dared me to down the second half of his fruit smoothie in one gulp, and it made for a hilarious photo of me with tears dripping down my face. we observed that missoula had almost no attractive people, except for one man and woman who were of course married with three kids.

brian took the wheel for the next stretch, and we drove across montana as the sun began to set. he appeased me by stopping at a gas station so i could buy a tacky montana postcard, and then i began the long and difficult process of trying to fall asleep in a crammed car when your whole life is about to change. needless to say, it took two sleeping pills, one open window, four hours, and finally the soothing sounds of sarah mclachlan to put me to sleep. before i passed out, brian pulled over in the middle of nowhere and we got out to look at the stars. i cant remember if it was in montana or wyoming, but it was amazing. i have never seen so many constellations, so many tiny, flickering, white speckles of light. we stared in awe and remarked about how all of them are always there, we just can't usually see them in the bright lights of even a small city. the night passed in a weird state of feeling highly medicated and sleepy, yet waking up at every noise. brian ran over a rabbit and missed an exit and that woke me up...i stared at him, half awake, and he snapped "what are you looking at?" it was pretty funny. he chugged red bull and so we stopped every couple of hours so he could pee. at like 3 am, we stopped at a tiny gas station and store in wyoming, where there was a woman working who was atleast in her forties. brian asked her how much longer it would take to get to south dakota (he was estimating about two) and she started naming off cities and then said, "mama says 6 hours." brian questioned her a little, and she repeated, "well, mama says 6 hours and i always listen to what mama says" in her twangy wyoming drawl. it took two hours, but brian and i repeated "mama says" countless times on the rest of the trip.

when i finally woke up, we were in south dakota and brian had been driving for ten hours. we stopped and changed into some fresh clothes, and i re-assumed my role of daytime driver while brian attempted the troublesome sleeping thing. we passed by the badlands and a million signs for wall drug and the world famous corn palace, and by the time we passed into minnesota brian was finally asleep. about ten miles into the evil land of minnesota, i was promptly pulled over for speeding, thus waking brian from his slumber. "90 in a 70," officer olsen reported to me, "and it took me four miles to catch up with you." crap. my luck with countless warnings had surely run out, and he issued me a $137 ticket, which of course he knew i wouldn't be coming back to minnesota to contest. brian and i decided right then and there that minnesota was stupid, and nothing happened on the rest of the drive across to change our minds.

after minnesota came wisonsin, which i recall being relatively boring but atleast not stupid. if my memory serves me (and it probably doesn't) it was somewhere around here that we broke out good ol' micheal jackson number ones and had ourselves a grand singalong. i danced, too, but brian forced me to keep one hand on the wheel at all times. we bonded over the glorious "man in the mirror" which brian loved as a child. he recalled being seven or eight and having the stomach flu, laying weak on the floor in bathroom from constant vomiting, and then hearing that music video come on mtv in the living room. he loved that song so much that he pulled his weary body on the floor by his elbows and crawled into the room to see it. now that's dedication. brian was hysterical singing along, and i got chills from the key change. it was damn hilarious.

stay tuned for the next installment of the road trip entry, including such intriguing stories as...

* why people should have to take a course on toll booths before ever passing through one
* why people should never suddenly strike emotionally fragile women
* and why people should never make ludicrous claims when they are sleep-deprived

drawing constellations

2005-08-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

this last weekend kicked my ass. it punched me in the ribs, kicked me in the back, chewed me up and spit me out onto the cold, hard, earth, leaving only a wasted shell of the sullen, shuffling, yet slightly hopeful woman i was on friday.

lesson of the month: dont help your mom paint her living room a week and a half before you move across the country.

dont get me wrong, i love my mom and i was happy to help her, the timing just turned out to be sucky. i also finished cleaning out my room at home this weekend, an act that unleashed killer dustbunnies and the worst allergy attack i've had in months. by 9 pm on sunday, i had to concede defeat, take benedryl, and fall into a coma. alas, after i woke up on monday and treated myself to a delightful teeth cleaning at my dentist, the living room still wasn't finished being painted. hermoine would just die if she heard this (luckily she's a fictional character...phew!) but i could really use some house elves right about now.

i think i drank to much mountain dew. i feel funny.

that's what wil declared after lunch yesterday, a hilarious hour of theatrics that bringing together random groupings of my friends sometimes creates. there were funny faces, staged fights, hell, even an inneundo or two. but that quote (minus the mountain dew part, i hate mountain dew) perfectly describes how i've been feeling. i feel funny. this whole getting ready to move across the country thing...it's bizarre, i tell you! and kind of stressful, running errands and packing and scheduling goodbyes and what not. my oasis for this insanity has been found in jack johnson, who's music i never fully appreciated until the show. he's just so good live. i am so in love with his song "constellations" off of his "in between dreams" album. so in love, i am going to post the lyrics and i heartily recommend that you download it and listen to it when you just need to chill out, feel romantic, and let all the funny feelings slip away.

the light was leaving in the west it was blue
the children’s laughter sang
and skipping just like the stones they threw
their voices echoed across the waves
it’s getting late

and it was just another night
with a sunset and a moonrise
not too far behind to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
we listened to Papa’s translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

the west winds often last too long
and when they calm down, nothing ever feels the same
sheltered under the Kamani tree
waiting for the passing rain
clouds keep moving to uncover the sea
stars up above us chasing the day away
to find the stories that we sometimes need
listen close enough and all else fades
fades away

and it was just another night
with a sunset and a moonrise
not so far behind to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to all translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations

it's just so beautiful. i really wish it would rain before i move away. this seems unlikely. the other morning i woke up to the loveliest sound...rain pattering against the window. i lay in bed, mentally writing a blog about the first rain of fall and the romance of it all, soaking up the moment. then i got up to gaze at the beauty awaiting me outside the window, pulled back the blinds, and saw a flawless blue sky. what the? i mumbled, realizing my rain was only a sprinkler.

talk about a tease.

twelve days

2005-08-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

t-minus 12 days until i leave for the big, bad bean-town. why the crap do people say "t-minus"? i've always wondered. one of life's many mysteries. so, i have twelve days to say my "see you later"s, take care of all my moving business, somehow acquire a large sum of money, get my car fixed, and pack five cars worth of possessions into one. that last thing is what i am most concerned about, atleast currently. i'm staying at brian's until i leave, and my stuff is taking up an entire room, boxes and boxes of miscellany, a sight that makes me want to hurl everytime i dare to peek in. but i must start tackling it, and i must start tackling it today, thus why i am procrastinating by writing this blog.

my last twelve days are further complicated by the fact that brian is moving into another apartment in this complex before we leave. this makes the need to organize my shit much more pressing, as if it wasn't already pressing enough. furthermore, there is my room at home to consider, on which i have made some progress, but not enough. ew, ew, ew, i have to stop talking about this before i spew.

last night at approximately 12:20 am i finished the latest harry potter installment, harry potter and the half blood prince. i must say, i was quite satisfied...in had romance, intrigue, mystery, humor...but with each harry potter book i read, i feel worse and worse for harry and the crap he constantly has to face. he's come a long way from the carefree days of the sorcerer's stone, i'll tell you that right now. being a boy wizard isn't fun and games anymore...it's life or death! poor, poor, brave harry. he's quite the little sixteen year old stud.

on tuesday, brian, nicole and i made the four hour drive to bend to see jack johnson at the les schwab amphitheatre. good show. on the way there, we stopped at this teeny tiny country store after being warned that the next place to get gas was 56 miles down the road. the owner of the country store turned out to be quite the renaissance man, for while we were chatting it up with him, we realized he was also the town's realtor. "i'm the mayor, too," he said as he scooped our ice cream. we thought he was joking, but he wasn't. we declared him to be a stud, as well, and continued on our way.

the concert pretty much ruled, the second opener, ALO, or the animal liberation orchestra (they get the best band name of the year award in my book) were freaking amazing, and jack rules live. at one point he brought this little boy named caleb up on stage to play a song, and this kid was phenomenal! jack said he met him last year in bend and caleb could play all of his songs, so this year he let him play one on stage. what a big soft heart that jack johnson has! later in the show these boys were brawling right up by the stage and he said, "hey, guys, that's not what the ladies want to see. they want to see guys dancing, not fighting." needless to say, i thought that was rad, and i wanted to have his babies. so besides the inevitable wafting smell of pot and overaged, inappropriate dirty dancing that every outdoor show seems to bring out, it was definitely worth 40 big ones. especially since i haven't actually paid the 40 big ones back to brian yet. evil laugh.

mommy pants

2005-08-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

tonight i am spending the night at my mom's new house in the o.c. (that's oregon city, for all you non-lame people out there). she's so cute, she set up the spare bedroom for me, complete with pictures of me and family on my bedside table. she also put a her "i'm having a baby" journal on the table for me to read. i've read it before, but it's always an intriguing read, especially now that i'm nearing the age where i'll probably pop one out myself. she had me when she was 24, but she told me not to go getting any ideas. the journal is a detailed account of her pregnancy with yours truly, and the subsequent birth, and my little bro even snagged a few pages for his entry into the big bad world. i don't know if these things are passed on, but my mom had really short labors and didn't puke very much when she was pregnant. this makes me hopeful. the times she did hurl were both from a chili dog overdose, a lesson that took her two times to fully learn. freaking nasty. i'll spare you the gross anatomical details, even though there are a few phrases i'm dying to mention. but i'm not going to, and i hope you remember this if you ever doubt my love for you.

lisa is just too busy to think about going potty. she is so smart and big for her age. she can be so funny and cute and then turn around and be such a brat.

that's my mom's description of me at two. ironically, i think most of it is still fairly accurate. i still find stopping activities to use the bathroom quite annoying, and i guess i'm still a cute, funny brat. the one thing that bothers me...big for her age? was my mom calling me fat? oh, my parents called me lisa beth for the first five or so years of my life. little known fact. then in first grade i declared i wanted to be called elizabeth (my real name) and then in sixth i told the teacher to call me liz, and so it has been ever since. fascinating, ay?

hands down my favorite part of the journal is my mom talking about maternity clothes, especially maternity pants, which she refers to as "mommy pants." i can just picture my mom and dad going into fred meyer in 1981 to pick out "mommy slacks" and "mommy jeans." what an adorable thought. tonight i have a feeling i am going to dream about the inside of fred meyer in 1981. i can't wait to see what it looked like.

some mistakes are too fun to only make once. random readerboard, and my new mantra

moments

2005-08-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

life is a series of moments...some beautiful, some tragic, some humorous, and some boring. those truly beautiful, poignant moments are so rare, but they are what make us willing to trudge through the boring and painful moments that take up so much of our lives.

there is a moment, in every relationship, where i attach. it is early on, perhaps too early on, and once i'm attached, that's it. the pain of loss is locked in, guaranteed, looming in my inevitable future. this attachment is not a conscious choice, it's not a choice at all. it is who i am to give myself to others wholeheartedly, to throw caution to the wind, to wear my heart on my sleeve. this practice is, in a word, dangerous. to truly know someone takes time and some degree of distance and objectivity, all of which are lost with such an early attachment.

there is a moment, in every doomed relationship, where one person seals themselves off from the other. they mentally throw in the towel, write you off, and declare your love a lost cause. even if the relationship trudges on, fighting the inevitable, that moment is when it is over. that is the instant when the possibilities end, and you are let go. the decision is made, and once that moment passes, you can never truly have that person back.

a moment can change everything.

so, you're quitting your job...

2005-08-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

yes, after many months of whining, worrying, and moaning, it is finally my last week at roth's friendly foodliners. unfortunately, this has brought on a lack of motivation the likes of which i have never seen. when i actually manage to squeeze out a new sign, it usually looks like dung, but i can't muster up the heart to even care. luckily for me, my idea of what looks like dung looks pretty ok to the average grocery-shopper and/or worker, so i'm safe.

the great thing about it being my last week is that i (pretty much) don't have to worry about getting fired by my arch-nemesis, the store manager. this has made it oh-so-easy for my quick-witted, smart-ass comments to come flying out whenever i am in his presence, or even the presence of several other managers. this week, it's all about getting the laughs and serving up the wit, and i finally don't have to worry about the consequences. in the spirit of this new-found freedom, brian and i spent the better part of tonight's dinner discussing ways to go out with a bang that i probably won't be trying...

* hanging out in the breakroom and dropping scandalous comments/telling outlandish stories about coworkers

* filling the bottom of any and all utensil buckets with glue

* placing a chalk sign of dave in a dress in the entryway and waiting to see how long it takes for him to notice

* dumping water in dave's office and saying, "sorry, i left the water running in your office." (he once did that to me while i was working in the cafe and didn't clean it up)

got any other fun ideas? feel free to send them my way. however, i am expecting absolutely no response, because, as lloyd says in my new favorite movie, say anything, "if you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise." i freaking love that movie. i think it's time to watch it again.

open heart, broken heart

2005-08-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

it hurts to be me right now. today is one of those annoying days in which your heart kind of aches all day, except for those moments when you are momentarily distracted, after which you endure the painful pang that comes with remembering why you are so sad. i've had other days like this that were much more painful, days i thought i couldn't survive. i knew i could make it through this one, it just took a little extra somethin somethin.

if it's this hard after three days, how's it going to be after three weeks?

that's what greg said when we had "the talk" last night. and as i sat there, feeling extremely crappy, i couldn't help but agree. there is a fine line between "living for the moment" and being masochistic. damn, i was sure i spelled that wrong, but i spell checked it and i'm right. i'll add that to my list of reasons to live.

i can be honest with you, but you have to be honest with yourself...

i dont want to be honest with myself, because when i am, i know i shouldn't see him again. but i also know that i'm not sure if i can resist the pull. the truth is, it probably isn't worth the pain. but the mistake is made, i can't go back, and now i don't know what to do...i dont know what i will do.

you're leaving in a month. i'm not letting myself get attached to you.

damn, i wish i could control my feelings like that! wouldn't that be convienient. but the more i think about it, feeling less just wouldn't be me. it might be easier, but i feel like it would mean sacrificing something valuable. i guess i just wish this was as hard for him as it is for me.

you're going to have lots of relationships, some casual, and some serious...

exactly why i wish i wouldn't have attached myself to him, to someone i will probably never see again. today it truly hit me that i may have made a huge mistake. but i made it. and i'm leaving. and that's just the way it is. there's no getting out of jail free on this one.

approximately one year ago i was writing about matt and i breaking up. i wrote about how, at that time, he was all i wanted. now greg is all i want, and i'm starting to really devalue my objectivity. i think the only real way to tell what you really want is the test of time, the test of seperation, the chance to see them for what they truly are. the problem is, i seem to give my heart away and get it broken long before that ever occurs. i ended my "matt and i broke up" entry a year ago with this quote, and, unfortunately, it applies again today.

i built another temple to a stranger...i gave away my heart to the rushing wind... dan haseltine

this week, on the life of liz

2005-08-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

my life has become a tv show. i know, i recently went off about tv and how unrealistic it is, but now my life is indeed a comedy/drama (dramedy?) along the lines of sex and the city. think in tv plot terms with me for a minute...what would happen if the lead (a hot twenty-something blond who's searching for more out of life than just the usual) decided to leave capeside, er, mcminnville, and move to boston to start a new and exciting chapter of her life? well, she'd meet a man of course! and yes, i said man, not boy. and then she'd be faced with a decision...give this man part of her heart, part of her last days with the people closest to her, knowing full well it's going to hurt like hell when she leaves...or play it safe and responsible and put an immediate end to the madness. well, if you know me at all, i guess you already know my decision. it's not everyday you actually have to decide rather to live for the moment or not, and now that i'm faced with that choice, i know exactly how i want to live. how i have to live, or else live to regret it. now all that matters is the little detail of finding out what our "relationship" means to him, having that awkward, necessary conversation that will determine if my recklessness and pain is actually worth it. the problem is, i'm pretty sure it's too late to turn back now anyway. and my bittersweet heart now has moments of wrenching pain sprinkled into the mix, right along with surges of truly feeling alive.

love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one; not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe it the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetreble, inredeemable.

to love is to be vulnerable.

c.s. lewis

castle school

2005-07-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

castle school
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

my new work in cambridge, ma!

the rather large sleeve

2005-07-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

ok...the verdict is in. my professional conversation went quite well, and i got the job. I AM MOVING TO BOSTON. that is by far the most exciting thing i have ever written on this blog. and, i was thinking about it, and it's also probably the "biggest" thing i've ever done. it's certainly the farthest i've ever moved. until now, the farthest was 45 minutes away from oregon city to newberg, to to a teeny tiny christian college. looking back, i cant believe how traumatizing that was for me, what a huge transistion it was. i know what you're thinking...if that was a huge transistion, how are you going to successfully move across the country? well, that was five years ago, and i like to think i've come a long way since then. and truthfully, i have. dont get me wrong, i'm not expecting this to be easy. i know i have a hard time with change. and there's a significant part of me that wants to call the whole thing off just so i can stay near most of the people that mean the most to me, jet over to brian's or my mom's whenever i feel like it, and ensure that i will be at the hospital when matea and geneva's little brothers or sisters are born. but i know, and you know, after listening to my complaining these many months, that i have to get out of here. i need a big change, a big city, a big, huge bucket of possibilities. before i went to boston for the interview, my friend tim told me that he was sure "G0d had something up his rather large sleeve" for me. i like that image, and it appears that he has (finally) pulled it out, and it is boston. i suppose i probably wont really believe it until i've been there for a few months, and i'm expecting it to be emotionally difficult for atleast that long. hopefully i'll acquire a hot boyfriend to comfort me in my angst. not to mention for safety reasons!

so it is looking like brian and i will be moving me in my car via a cross country road trip! how rad is that going to be? i've always wanted to do the cross country road trip thing, i came close once with my friend anne, and who better to do it with than your best friend? it'll be one last hurrah, as i have started to call everything that i'm planning in the little-more-than a month before i leave. the road trip? one last hurrah. the jack johnson show in bend? one last hurrah. living with brian for two weeks before i leave? one last hurrah. the huge going away party i want my friends to throw for me even though they dont know yet? one hell of a last hurrah.

of course, now that i have FINALLY got another job, i can FINALLY give my notice at roth's!!! praise hallelujah! how long have i dreamed of this moment...and it will be happening on tuesday. FINALLY!!! i cant believe that God helped me survive these last months, as i think it was atleast three months ago that i was seriously contemplating just quitting and getting a job as a waitress here in mac. thank you, God, for helping me not to settle, and to wait for this amazing opportunity you have given me. may this be a lesson to all you readers out there! good things really do come to those who wait...and wait...and suffer...and wait.

this is so insane, i cant believe it, etc, etc, etc!!!!

contemplating cambridge

2005-07-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

harvard black and white
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

fungwah, baby!

2005-07-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

as i write this, i am sitting at the window of a starbucks in the heart of soho, nyc! un-freaking-believable. today is a very brave day for me -- i rode the fungwah bus from boston to chinatown, new york, all by myself, and now i am wandering the streets of manhattan, with only my whims and red map to guide me. i wanted to come to soho because it's the shopping hub of the country and i think it'd be fun to see some celebs. so far the closest to a celeb i've seen is a tiny film crew documenting two fashionable chicks walking down the street. i've been brave enough to briefly pop into a few carrie-bradshaw-worthy shops, but i shy away from most of them, fearing that salespeople can see right into my brain's "where's the clearance section?" mindset. i've got the nyc persona down pat, walking briskly in front of oncoming traffic with a scowl on my face. my darn polite oregonian manners keep bubbling up though, but i figure that's not such a bad thing. there is a teeny, tiny, squirming baby next to me at starbucks, and i'm dying to take about 20 pictures of it. why isn't it socially acceptable to take pics of stranger's kids? come on!

last night i saw the most amazing fireworks i've ever seen by far. twinkling stars, swirling comets, ever-expanding bursts of neon lines...it was so beautiful. we all watched, captivated, for about 20 minutes, in a state of complete viewing ecstasy. and then the sky cleared, and we were left with only an aftertaste and a strong desire for more. tim has roof access, so we were able to watch them explode over the charles river from the best possible spot. the boston pops orchestra played along with the show on the radio, coordinating their crescendos with the booms of the explosions. it was the first fourth of july i've ever actually loved.

i case you cant tell, i actually wrote that above stuff yesterday. after finishing my day in nyc, i came to a couple more conclusions.

1. i was totally jipped out of seeing any celebrities despite trekking through the city for five hours with a twenty pound backpack and blisters from my new shoes.

2. i found all of the hot guys! they're in boston and new york. sorry, oregon.

love is like a role that we play -- dashboard confessional

comfy new shoes

2005-07-04T12:28:00.001-07:00

i've been in boston for almost three days now, and i pretty much love it here. tim and i and his wonderful friends have been having lots of fun and random adventures. we spent saturday on the freedom trail, including many diversions and a huge hike up bunker hill monument (a large phallic symbol in the center of boston), sunday was cambridge, where my "professional conversation" is and where i'm hoping to live if i move here and then out with some of tim's peops to a bar called "the republic" which was strangely decorated with chinese war memorabilia, including a huge boot that appeared to be made out of pie tins, and then today we're strolling newberry street, a shopping mecca. i just bought these shoes i've been wanted for many moons, and i was hoping to get them in boston so they'd be even cooler. they're black and white checkered vans. see: tim lives in one of my favorite areas of boston, beacon hill, and from his roof you can pretty much see the whole city. we're watching the fireworks from up there tonight.

besides all of this diary type reporting of what i've been doing, there is of course a whole tide of conflicting emotions that come when you're visiting an amazing city and thinking of moving here very soon. it's exciting, it's scary...my biggest fear is moving here and being alone. i know that won't happen, but i know it's going to be hard, atleast for awhile, and there's a part of me that wants to stay in my comfy, full of reliable friends place in oregon. yet i know i cant, i know i'm suffocating there. this is all just very surreal, how comfortable i feel here after just three days.

scammed!

2005-07-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

scammed!
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

hanging in a park by harvard square, i was scammed by a con-artist disguised as a bum into paying $1 for a free newspaper

me in boston

2005-07-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

me in boston
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

talk show material

2005-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

i HAD to post this. i just saw a lady at my work, with a mullet, wearing a t-shirt that said "talk show material" on the front. does that sum up my last blog entry or what? i wish i had a photo to post (although that might be kind of mean) because seeing her in a place where no one has read my blog was like having an inside joke between me, myself, and i and no one to share it with.

ok, now for the most exciting news EVER! the day after tomorrow, which would be friday, i am getting on a plane and taking off for BOSTON! while my cover story here at work is that i'm going "to see friends" which isn't a lie, the main reason i'm going, the reason i can justify taking a week and half off to fly across the country, is because...well, i'm scared to say this, because brian got me all paranoid about somebody from my work reading my blog and me getting fired, so i'll just have to give you clues. what have i been looking for lately? what happens before you actually get one of those? you sit down in a nice outfit and have a professional conversation with the person who wants to give you a lovely new opportunity. comprende?

so, i am very, very excited. i am going to try and line up some other dressy professional 'conversations' while i am out there, and i'm also going to spend four days exploring downtown new york! my only worry is that my cutting edge mcminnville fashion won't cut it in sarah jessica's hometown, but i'll have fun trying. i'm staying with my friend tim in beacon hill in boston, and then taking this cheap bus, the chinatown bus, up to ny and back for four days. i hope to write of all my adventures often, so be checkin' in!

i am frustrated that i have to sensor myself over the internet, because i have some damn funny blogs in my head that will never be published here. it really is a shame. honesty is a dangerous thing, unfortunately. i push the envelope as far as i can for the life of liz, but i suppose those hilariously inappropriate blogs will just have to remain coversations with a few priveleged friends. hopefully that doesn't make the rest of you too curious...i'm sure the reality would disappoint you, anyway.

you eat pieces of shit for breakfast? happy gilmore

no more catfish in the sea

2005-06-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

the life of liz presents

in association with barren wasteland studios

a grass is greener production

no more catfish in the sea: the top ten reasons i need to get the H out of mcminnville

10. three of the closest towns are named willamina, sheridan, and yamhill
9. the only radio stations that come in here are country
8. every town has a yearly festival -- mcminnville's is called turkey-rama
7. here, seeing a mullet is an everyday occurance
6. the 75% female population of linfield college easily domineers the 0.0025% quality male population, along with the percentage of half-way bearable guys
5. the store i work at sells CATFISH nuggets
4. people come here to raise families, not start families
3. the nearest large metropolis is one hour and ten minutes away
2. the phrase "slim pickin's" has become a regular part of my vocabulary

and the number one reason why i need to get the H out of mcminnville...

1. nearly every guy around here drives a loud car or a fast bike, which can only lead me to believe that they are compensating for something

i'm sorry you never wanted me, but that's how you made me want the gold medal the donnas

the terror of tv

2005-06-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

i have been pondering this subject for some time, despite my natural american love for television. here are several reasons, stories, antecdotes, etc. that illustrate why tv is indeed terrible.

tv makes me lazy

i often wonder at how much people used to be able to accomplish before the "magic box" came into our lives. even though i often tell myself that i am just turning on the tv for some noise in my apartment, some strange electronic presence to keep me company, and i will be productive despite it being on, half the time i end up laying there, watching it, accomplishing pretty much nothing besides relaxing. maybe for a stressed out worrier like myself, that is an accomplishment.

tv perfects the art of overkill

i think i can explain this one with two words: reality shows. enough already! yet, of course, even a wise person such as myself has been sucked into a few of them. case in point: the apprentice. when i lived with shanna, we made it our thursday night thing to watch the apprentice and discuss how stupid most of the contestants were. on a sidenote, this experience made me realize i would never want to be competing against shanna for anything, especially in business. she would win, i would feel bad, it's all so predictable. anyhow, after every idiot except for two had been eliminated, it was time for the season finale. the three hour season finale. i wish i was kidding, but i did watch the entire thing. and boy, were they scrambling for crap to fill up that three hours with. by the time they had brought out some band to perform the theme song, "money money money money!" i was dangerously close to losing my mind and my dinner. you know when you eat too much of something and you end up puking it up, and then you can never eat it again? i haven't watched the apprentice since, and i still feel slightly ill when i think of that night.

tv encourages false expectations

we've all seen it -- the scene in every cookie-cutter tv show and movie...the one where the romantic leads, two people who were previously unaware of how attractive the other person was, suddenly lock eyes and instantly fall in love. perhaps thier gaze even leads to a mutual kiss, each somehow knowing the other feels it too. well, let me tell you, i'm 23 years old, and this has never happened to me. nor have i been chased down the street, sang to in my window, or stopped just before getting on a plane at the airport by someone dying to profess thier love to me. and thanks to years of brainwashing, i am actually disappointed by this. i actually find myself making up stories in which these things happen. and occasionally, amazing, tv worthy things do happen, but never quite in the same way you saw on the boob tube. and that's ok with me. real life is so much better, so much more beautiful. even with the long, boring patches.

the mack

2005-06-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

the mack
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

how cool is this movie theater? it's one of my favorite buildings on third street.

lucky number tuesday

2005-06-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

i know you all love my lists so much you could practically marry them, so here's another one for ya:

things (for me) to be happy about:

1. i am pursuing new and exciting opportunities!
2. thanks to proactiv solution, i now have the clear, beautiful complexion i've always dreamed of
3. i reading a funny book
4. i took most of my bills off of auto withdrawal, therefore averting yet another near-financial crisis
5. my mom's getting a kitten
6. the new harry potter book comes out next month
7. the new coldplay cd is already out
8. my new flickr account (i should have sent most of you an invite...if i didn't, tell me and i will! then you can view all my photos online)
9. i am in love with my hair at the moment
10. $2 dansko clogs
11. free food is raining down on me like manna from heaven
12. my friends' and family's uncanny ability to open my eyes to, and therefore deter me from, unpractical and ultimately lame courses of action
13. the ever-expanding hilarious movie quote database that resides in my brain
14. nicole is with child! p.g.! bun in the oven! prego spaghetti sauce!

p.s. that crazy girl is back at the library and she's sitting right next to me...

reunited (and it feels so good)

2005-06-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

i don’t know what is going on, but in the last week i have seen a ton of people whom i havent seen in forever! first, my friend kari came back from paris last week, which i am very thankful for, since she lives here in mcminnville. it’s slim pickins for friends here, so thank goodness she’s back. then, i got to see kemi this last weekend (whom i still refer to as my roomate, even though college is over) and that was so nice. i love it when you see someone after a long time and the connection is still there. i haven’t seen her in six months, and we can see each other one day and spend the whole day in hysterical laughter. then, yesterday the craziest thing happened. my friend jen, who was my RA and close friend my freshman year at fox, emailed me and said she was going to be in the ‘berg! she’s staying in the dorms at fox for a conference, so i met her over there last night, and the experience was so surreal. not only was i seeing jen for the first time in three years, but i was seeing her in the fox dorms. we went to the coffee cottage, where i also spent a significant amount of time in college, to spend a couple of hours catching up. going to the coffee cottage always makes me nostalgic, because i can look at several of the tables and remember conversations that took place at each. it’s amazing how much can happen in such a tiny coffee shop. me and jen are in simular places in our lives, both knowing it’s time for something new but not yet sure what it is. so with all of that surrealness behind me, i was driving down 3rd street and i saw yet another familiar face that i haven’t seen since my freshman year…rob simpson and his family. he was the area coordinator in my dorm that year, and i was friends with his five year old son, alek. me and alek spent hours wrestling and playing in pennington lobby, and now he’s huge! seeing them was unreal. i decided to finish off the trip back to freshman year by calling tim, one of the only people i’ve managed to keep in touch with since then.

today i had a great talk with charlie, one of the pastors at my church. lately i have realized that i need to get out of mcminnville and into a more exciting place, a large metropolis of some sort. i love mcminnville, but i finally realized that it is a great place to settle down and raise a family, not to start your post-college life. i have a very sure feeling that God wants me to do something different, but he hasn’t shown me what is yet. it’s so hard to pursue a new path when you’re not sure where to go. i’m just trying to pursue different options, hoping he will direct me along the way. talking with charlie was great, because he reaffirmed everything i’m feeling, and told me i didn’t belong here. the question is, where do i belong?

the view of heaven from hell

2005-06-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

prologue

for a few weeks now, i have had a mad urge to go to old navy and purchase insanely cute clothes and accessories. this has been hindered by two things: 1. there is no old navy anywhere in the general vicinity of mac. 2. even if there was, i, as usual, have no money. i know that eventually my mad urge will be temorarily satiated, but i never imagined the cruel twist of fate yesterday had in store for me.

* * *

in order for this story to be as entertaining as possible, the words "old navy" should be read in the sing-songy tune that is heard on their cheesy commercials. mom and nicole cummings, you know what i'm talking about. hopefully more of you do, too.

* * *

i spent yesterday in jail. no, not the kind with cells and bars where the only to survive is to kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch -- the kind of prison that is created by a 6.5 hour deli training session at lancaster roth's. this unique twist on hell began with a video entitled, "the invisible challenge." can you guess what the invisible challenge is? foodbourne illnesses! that's right! this fascinating little ditty featured an invisible narrator named howard and thought-provoking words like "shigella" and "drippage." the video was followed by the trainer reading the grotesque symptoms of every foodbourne illness on the planet, including shigella. after 45 minutes of this scare tactic, i came to a few conclusions: 1. eating is just a bad idea. 2. eating poop is a very bad idea. 3. ignorance is indeed bliss. next came our first break, where i ventured outside looking for a reason to go on. just before i went back inside, a gleaming wall of glass caught my eye. i looked up, and directly across the street, huge blue block letters proclaimed the words i'd been dying to hear: OLD NAVY. in that split second, with 47 cents to my name, trapped in the training session from hades, i understood the true meaning of injustice.

so, like so many times in my life, exactly what i wanted was so close, yet so far away. i had no choice but to face the sickening reality that i was not going to set foot in the cheap, trendy shopping mecca that day, and return to my jail cell. the afternoon contained many other tortures (how long do you think you could talk about slips, trips, and falls? how about how to suggestively sell potato salad?) but none compared to the view from one of the few windows...two stories of shopping goodness i can only call OLD NAVY.

all about cycles

2005-05-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

ahhh...how i've been longing to blog for days now. and here i finally am, and my wrist hurts like a mofo. i'm going to claim workman's comp for wrist overuse due to chalk art demands. or something. God has been teaching me a lot lately. often, he uses my counselor (claire) to teach me or put a thought in my head that later leads to a realization. that's right, i see a therapist and i'm proud of it! i know some people are adamently against therapy for a variety of reasons, but claire is very beneficial for me, and i believe counseling (with the right counselor) can be very helpful for most people. ok, i'm coming down off my therapy soapbox.

i saw claire yesterday and she helped me to realize that i seem to repeat a simular pattern in many areas of my life. i know what i really want (in a job, man, church, etc.) and sometimes i am willing to wait and pray and work for it until it comes. but other times, it seems to far off, so i flirt with settling for something/one less than what i really want. usually (thank God), i pass out of that phase before actually settling, and then i remember for the umpteenth time what it is i really want and try to patiently trust and wait for it. see the cycle? bitterness and doubt usually accompanies the "settling" stage, and contentment and peace goes along with the "waiting" stage. thankfully, i recently passed out of the "settling" stage back into the much better "waiting" phase. and i didn't actually settle for a boy/job that i didn't really want, although i came close, but God closed doors because he's got my back like that. thus, as far as the quest for better employment goes, i'm back to looking for a dream job i love that is better than roth's. before i was desperate, just trying to find anything to get out of roth's. not anymore. now i'm trying (and this is super hard) to enjoy and be fully present at roth's for the rest of my time there (however long that may be). i realized that i was probably missing out on opportunities to love the people i work with because i was so obsessed with how much i hated it there. i need and will continue to need tons of help from above to have a better attitude and to be patient for all the amazing things i want for my future. i often forget that there is a right now that i don't want to miss out on.

this guy at my work that i didn't really know died in a car accident this last weekend. i know this kind of a statment of the obvious, but everytime i hear about somebody i kind of knew dying, i always cant believe that they are actually dead, that dead means "that's it" and i'm never going to see them on this earth again or maybe ever again. it just amazes me that one minute we can be totally healthy and alive, and the next dead and gone forever. today at work i was thinking about writing a will or something of that sort just in case i die before i'm old and writing wills is the norm. but i dont really want to, because i feel like if i do, then i'll die. writing a will seems like playing with fire to me, and even talking about it seems dangerous. how weird is death? how easy is it to end our lives? dont worry, i'm not trying to freak anyone out, i'm in a very healthy emotional state, i swear. these are just thoughts.

dang. i knew if i wrote that "death" paragraph nothing would seem appropriate following it. oh well. i wish i had so much more time and energy on my hands, because there are about a million things i want to do. for instance, i just picked up 4 books from the new section of the library that i would love to read from cover to cover, but know that in all likelihood, i will read none of them. right now i'm reading a book claire recommended, with a title slightly too embarrassing to mention, but it's pretty good and i want to finish it. ok, my lunch is over and i have to go back to work. tear. three hours left and then i'm done with chalk art for the week. heck yeah!

go after a life of love as if your life depended on it, because it does. pursue the gifts God has given you and most of all, try to communicate his truth. the message

the root of all evil

2005-05-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

that's right...money. if it wasn't for money, i would have quit my job by now. if not for money, i surely wouldn't have almost crapped my pants when i saw my cell phone bill the other day. and if not for that evil green paper (i've always wished our currency was in beautiful bright colors like other countries), my life would be much less stressful. i'm getting very, very tired and frustrated by the fact that every month, every week, every day, every paycheck, i don't have enough money to pay all my bills, buy food, etc. i owe people money, i owe organizations money, i hate money!

ok, let's all join together and clap our hands to our cheeks in shock that i didn't give my two weeks notice yesterday. despite the big green star i drew on my calendar at work on yesterday's box, i was forced by circumstances beyond my control, mostly related to the evil above, to go through the whole day without quitting. and today will be the same. i am hoping soon and very soon this shall change, and i am trying to listen to what God might want me to do...i won't lie, these are hard times. but don't worry, this isn't a desperate cry for help or anything. it's a hopefully somewhat humorous and slightly depressing description of my life right now. c'est la vie. for now.

i'm ok!

2005-05-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

i didn't mean for my last entry to be a desperate cry for help, but apparently that's how it came off. i got a few emails and comments telling me what a wonderful person i am and how much my friends love me. this was really nice and encouraging, but i'm just wondering how my last entry subtley communicated "liz is suicidal!" to everyone.

in the spirit of spring, i have chosen a brighter version of my last template for a change. for all you computer science nerds out there (read: brian and matt) i even messed around with the html to make all the fonts be verdana. go me! WEBPAGE! (picture me making a gang-sign while i say that). today is wednesday, and it's after 3pm, so that means the tolerable part of my week has finally begun. no more chalk til next monday. and i try not to think about that until next sunday. last sunday when that happened i almost went in the next day and quit, but my more sensible friends talked me out of it. my new goal (and i hesitate to share this, in the likely case that it isn't realized) is to give my two weeks notice in two weeks from this last monday. that means i have 1.5 weeks to find a job so i can quit in a sensible manner.

why don't you jump on him dressed like a bavarian fruitcake?!? ms. congeniality

this bowtie is strangling me!

2005-04-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

i am a very BAD person. if you've seen office space, you'll know the exact way that line should be read aloud. ("micheal and samir, you are sentenced to ten years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. peter, you are a very BAD person." the gavel slams down.) it doesn't seem wise to go into all the reasons that i am a very bad person over the internet, but i can share one, since it has to do with roth's and this blog is a roth's employee free zone. on wednesday (the day the bad me took over...it's been one a day atleast since then) i was working doing chalk art and i had to pop down to the deli for about five seconds. while i was there, the asst. manager asked me to help a customer and i pretty much said no and got someone else to do it. YES, i realize this was a huge mistake. i dont know why i did this, why i didn't just help the freaking customer (i didn't want to?), but unfortunately that's what happened. the asst. manager talked to me and i said sorry, etc, and thought it was over. but NO! she had to open her huge trap to the store manager, who approached me yesterday right after i got to work in the morning (so as to ruin my entire day instead of just part of it) and said this: "i heard a disturbing thing about you refusing to help a customer. when you have a green bowtie on, i don't care what you're doing, what department you're in, you help the customer. if you ever do that again, i'll yank you out of the deli so fast...and that will suck for you because you'll lose your benefits and your pay will be cut. are we clear?" after saying "yes" he left the scene and i cried. what can i say, i don't enjoy being spoken to in that manner and it usually results in tears. i just realized that the encounter was a lot like when jennifer aniston argues with her boss about the pieces of flare in office space. "if you want me to wear 47 pieces of flare like your pretty boy, brian, over there, why don't you make the minimum 47 pieces of flare?" that stupid green bowtie is my flare and when i put it on i have to become someone i'm not, someone who's always happy, always smiling, and never makes mistakes. you know what i hate? when you put yourself out there and tell someone about your mistake, and they say, "yeah, that was a HUGE mistake!" someone said that to me today when i told them the story, and they've said that about other mistakes i've made, and it's just not very uplifting. of course i know it's a huge mistake! i already feel bad enough about it, i don't need you to rub it in my face. thank you. a month ago or so i was working and i had just had the stomach flu, so i guess i wasn't smiling. some DUMB customer witnessed this horror and wrote a comment card about me not smiling. this resulted in the deli manager taking me upstairs and "coaching me for improvement." yes, that's actually what the form i had to sign was called. i HATE roth's. it's like a high school, complete with referrals, cliques, bullies, and the one super cute, unattainable guy. oh, and everyone in authority treats you like you're 5. in short, hell.

in better news, i am finally getting my very own "liz hughes, fine artist" business cards printed and they'll be ready on monday. i am so excited! and God has been blessing me with a lot of freelance work lately...today i put a bid on a mural job for about $2000. i find out tomorrow if i get the job. and when i say "the job" i mean the highest paying job i've ever had. i've also got about three other freelance jobs in the works! very exciting. i have decided to stay in mcminnville over the summer (shocking, i know) because i got an amazing volunteer job at juliette's house, a child abuse treatment center here in town. i'll be working with the families and kids when they come in to file a report. so september is my new goal for perhaps going somewhere exciting, and i am thinking africa. i'd like to go for a few months to where denice is, working with orphans. we will see.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth, and love is real. and i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. -- the postal service

crap, i made it all up!

2005-04-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

to spice things up, i will be beginning this entry with a quote, and an apology for the lack of posting lately. my job search is taking up most of my internet time.

me: it's not that i think you dont have issues, it's that i think you aren't in touch with your issues.

brian: and i think you create all of your issues.

this little exchange that brian and i had last night not only shows how well brian and i know each other, but it also brings to light the very fact that i do create a lot of issues. but heck, if i didn't, what the H would i write about in this blog?

i created a new issue last night when i realized that if something tragic were to happen to me (say, a kidnapping) no one would realize for atleast a few days. this troubling thought was brought on when nicole went "missing" last night, and brian went on a thorough search until she was located. i realized, i need a boyfriend for safety reasons! only a boyfriend (or a roomate) would realize if i was missing the same day that i went missing. it would take my friends, my family, and my work atleast a few days to become concerned, by which point i would surely already be dead. how comforting!

i am getting so sick of seeing those freaking plastic wrist bands everywhere. you know, the ones that first showed up as bright yellow "live strong" bracelets? now they are available in every color imaginable and every one and their mom has one on. what is so annoying to me about mass trends? i don't deny that i enjoy embracing certain trends, especially when it comes to fashion, but i like to think i pick the ones that not everyone is doing. i resisted getting a nalgene bottle for the longest time for this very reason. at fox, you practically had to have one to be admitted. but once i realized the practical joys of having a nalgene, i, too, became a sheep. what can i say? i drink a lot of water, they're freaking convienent! what is the practical purpose of the bracelets, i ask? crap, i just realized that they usually benefit a charity. but i ask you this...do the majority of people where them because they benefit charity, or because they think they are COOL?

okay, enough. my life lately has become consumed by searching for my dream job. i've found some amazing jobs to apply for, and i'm wondering why the heck i didn't research amazing internships when i was in college. damn, i was lazy. i still am, but i am throwing myself into this job search. the possibilities are so amazing! by summer, i could be anywhere...seattle, san francisco, new york...mcminnville. and meanwhile, i got a raise at roth's! heck yes, now i can afford to buy food!

the heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing: we know this in countless ways. blaise pascal

the new (improved?) me

2005-03-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

lately i have been moving into what i like to think of as uncharted life territory. since i'm old and all grown up now (please catch my sarcasm) i am trying to be wise and actually put what wisdom i have gained thus far into practice. this is mostly manifesting itself in the ever-dangerous realm of love, attraction, and the opposite sex. having learned from experience (twice, i'm a slow learner) that rushing into relationships is a bad idea, i am attempting a new outlook on the guys in my life that i may see as potential future boyfriends/husbands/mates. (yes, i hope it comes in that order). i am trying to get to know them as friends, for a good, long while, before taking it to the next level. imagine, actually being pretty sure you should be with a person before you do it! to make things even more challenging, i am also attempting to not start a relationship physically. i have learned (yes, twice) that being physical with someone creates an emotional bond extremely quickly that becomes hard to break and makes you blind to logic and reality.

all of that said, i am not a logical person and i think i still believe in the beauty of romantic love. yes, i want to fall crazy in love with someone and have him love every crazy thing about me. yes, i want to make more mistakes and learn more lessons, because i don't think perfection is beautiful. and i know i cant apply formulas and theories to love. those are just some guidelines that i hope and pray to follow, to not give my heart away to quickly, both because i've been hurt before and also because i know it's what God wants for me. every day that becomes more clear as he helps me to be patient in ways i never thought i could be. he reminds me to have perspective and let him keep the situation every time i encounter one of those potential people. and, miracle of miracles, he helps to remember what i really truly want when i'm in the situation where i could screw it all up. even if i do screw all of it up tomorrow (which i fear i may now that i've come out and said all of this) what God has done in the last month in this most sensitive area of my life has been amazing.

this seems really insignificant tacked on to the end of all that, but i am feeling like a new person in other ways as well. i'm trying to cut dairy products and sweets out of my diet in an effort to be more healthy and have a complexion that i'm not ashamed to go out in public with. plus, it would be kind of crazy and nice to have everything running smoothly in the digestive department. that said, all i pretty much eat is dairy and sweets, so this is proving extremely challenging. extremely. did i mention extremely? and although this has nothing to do with dairy, today i saw shanna's hot brother and i was amazingly unaffected. usually it takes me like an hour to get over seeing him, so it made me wonder if i still had a pulse, but it was kind of nice, too.

hey, dont miss the other new post below this one! i actually wrote it first. wow, two posts in one day!

smacked by a flying dirt clod

2005-03-19T18:51:00.000-08:00

as usual, i have jumped the gun. this time it was by saying that "i'm so happy" that summer is just around the bend. i must have written that about five seconds before my allergies kicked in and i remembered how global warming has permenantly ruined oregon's mild climate and turned it into a sweltering summer inferno! i think to myself, "i have to move." but there's really nowhere else i want to go at the moment that i imagine to have cooler summers. darn humans and their freaking cfc's!

the most traumatizing occurance possible has occured since my last post. it is the thing i dread the most in the world, the thing i will do almost anything instead of. and early last tuesday morning, at approximately 4:20 am, it happened. i threw up. i was all alone and i vomited and there was nothing i could do to stop it. it happened again at 6 am, after which i drove myself to roth's in a rather weakened and traumatized state to buy pepto bismol, mint tea, and breath mints. the breath mints were in case the first two things didn't stop me from puking again. then i fervently prayed to God that he wouldn't let me throw up again. after many hours of laying very still and kind of sleeping, he answered and i knew i was out of the woods. however, i was severely weakened by the encounter with the dreaded vomit and i slept for the better part of the next two days.

on friday, it was back to work and back to good ol' caffe amico (that's the name of the coffee bar at roth's -- a name i detest not only because it sounds stupid but because they insist on spelling "caffe" with two f's) to see if i could make it through an 8 hour day. i did. and while i was working i noticed that every friday a transformation comes over me as i work in the deli. i get more and more angry and bitter and stressed out. i'm not sure exactly why, i just know i don't think i like the person i become (at least mentally). i mean, i have my happy moments, chattin' it up with friendly customers, gazing at the old couples having their daily coffee...but other times i just get really, really pissed off. this friday i was sweeping up these frigin dirt clods that big boot wearing dudes are always tracking in, and semi-shouting at the deli manager, cheryl, saying "i hate how people are always tracking in these stupid dirt clods! i mean, is it too much to ask to get rid of your dirt clods before you come in the store?" and bam! it hit me. i have to get out of here before it is too late. no one should ever, ever, be this worked up about dirt clods.

it's going to be a cheeseless summer

2005-03-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

it's been too long since i made a list on this lovely blog, so i prepared one just for the occasion. i made two lists, the icky one first so that i end on a happy note.

activities that sometimes depress/annoy me

1. grocery shopping alone at winco (for some reason i've found bagging and carrying my own groceries to be the ultimate reminder of loneliness)
2. being called "old" by the tiny tots at work
3. working on mondays
4. having six of my favorite friends in, respectively: africa, arizona, boston, paris, seattle and sweden
5. discovering unwanted info about ex's
6. sitting next to yaking high schoolers at the library (hey! i'm doing that right now! yipee!)
7. being nitpicked by my boss about the already suffocating dress code at work (no hooded sweatshirts! no red shoes! you know, the nazis had pieces of flare that they made the jews wear!)
8. finding a great doctor (no, that's not the depressing part) who tells me i should never eat cheese or drink milk again. NONE. EVER. that's like asking me to sell my soul!

activities that almost always brighten my mood

1. making new friends
2. great conversations
3. dancing with my art supplies (my yard stick guitar is especially nice) to "pump up the jam" and other 80's hits on the clock at work (one of the perks of having my own office)
4. 6 words: billie jean is not my lover!
5. amazing, cheap finds at the thrift store (okay, any store) yesterday it was a $20 striped retro couch!
6. living next to a thrift store
7. getting sense talked into me by my mom
8. the feeling that summer is just around the bend (it's been 70 degrees the last two days and i am wearing cropped pants and new flip flops!)
9. listening to jars of clay and admiring dan hasteltine's songwriting

sometimes i get tired of walking through these ordinary days...i dont know how, i dont know why, but your love can make these things better... dan hasteltine

mr. medium

2005-03-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

well, it’s happening. the phenomenon i never, ever thought would happen. atleast until i was forty. i’m starting to feel…just a hair…old. apparently 23 is the threshold of senior citizenhood. i think it’s mostly because a lot of the people i work with are younger than me. and as soon as i turned 23, my younger coworkers have started to call me…old! what the heck? my biological clock is tick-tock-ticking away and i’ve got half the people telling me to hurry it up and the other half reminding me how young i am. i’m doing my best to listen to the latter half, and with sex and the city in my corner, it’s actually not proving too difficult.

i have decided that i am the carrie bradshaw of mcminnville. perhaps that’s not saying much, after all, it is mcminnville, oregon. after watching countless episodes of sex and the city, and spending even more time pondering them (hey, i think all the time about a lot of stuff, so that’s not totally pathetic) i have decided that i am indeed the fairly diluted version of carrie bradshaw. she lives on the island of manhattan, i live on the island in between baker st. and adams st. she’s got a column, i’ve got a blog. she’s got a screwed up love life…well, we’ve all got a screwed up love life. also, i don’t mean to brag, but, for the average mcminnvillian (mcminnvillite? macperson?), i’ve got style. i occasionally walk down 3rd street wearing pink heels, even if they may have only cost a fraction of the price of manolo blahniks. and most of all, carrie won't settle for anything less than her mr. big. the other night i said to brian "i'm waiting for mr. big. or atleast mr. medium." i realize that might sound inappropriate, but, cross my heart, that's not how i meant it. i swear!

brian is in arizona on business (that corporate loser!) which is too bad, since he’s pretty much my stanford blatch. ha ha, that one’s for you, ogle. it is sad with him gone, but it turns out i might be able to function without him. this morning i made it to work at 5:55 am, sans wake up call! i had to put my alarm clock on the other side of the room, and i hate being that mean to myself, but it worked. and last sunday, when all hope was running out, i actually made some new friends at my new church. and they are coming over tonight to start a small group with me. i want to call the group "the awkward phase" because we are all unmarried college grads. it was such a God thing because i just felt compelled to sit near these two dudes and then we ended up talking forever and deciding to have a small group. as usual, God comes through again in the 11th hour. it was enough to make me completely forget i had been seriously thinking of moving just a few days before.

i was just reading through some of my old blogs and i noticed that i am constantly mentioning sex and the city. ok, maybe i am obsessed! fine, i admit it.

come on! let’s get the shit kicked out of us by love! love actually

sizzling ants

2005-02-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

lately too many big questions have been running through my head. it all started on friday night when brian told me i need to find a better job, i can find something better, etc, etc. then on saturday shanna told me she won't need me to watch geneva anymore in a couple of weeks. hell no am i working in the deli two days a week at roth's! no way, no thank you. so i need to start looking for a new job, and it is a great time to do so since i have a job. i just realized that i gave my blog address to my supervisor...but i doubt he'll ever go to it. but just in case...wil, if you are reading this, dont freak out! i'm not quitting anytime soon...i don't think...but i know you dont expect me to stay at roth's forever...right?

the other big question is the ever-present and ever more annoying one: 'will i always be alone?' sometimes it seems like God is the up there with the big magnifying glass frying ants. but most of the time i know he's taking care of me, i know he knows what's best, i know he has a purpose for this time in my life. i just hate wanting someone so much. and i hate how it seems like the world thinks it's pathetic to want a relationship. or maybe that's just what i think. i mean, what's wrong with being honest about what you want? what's wrong with really, really wanting something? i dont know. i just know that i have to be careful how much i think, or i'll go crazy.

the day after

2005-02-15T18:21:00.000-08:00

this has to be fast because i'm at the accursed library and my time is almost up. today the annoying person sitting next to me (because inevitably there always is one) is this girl with a terrible cold who keeps horking back her shot and swallowing it. it sounds so nasty i want to hurl. she also burped a second ago and that was just too much with the other noises.

i survived valentine's day (aka single's awareness day) yesterday without crying or getting too depressed. i confess that i did sleep through most of it (came home from work and took a nap that didnt end until this morning), but i did survive 8 hours in a store where every guy in mcminnville was buying flowers for everyone but me. so i think that's pretty impressive and deserves a medal. medals last longer than flowers anyhow.

at the risk of over-inflating ogle's head, i am going to quote him for the second blog in a row. this was just too good to pass up.

"i dont understand how you've survived this long...shouldn't you have been eaten by some larger animal?" brian, to me, of course

happy reality

2005-02-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

i apologize to all you readers out there for the lack of postings lately, my internet access is so darn limited. i hope you all are well. crap, this is starting to sound like one of those generic mass emails. enough of that! yesterday was a good day. i spent it with all my favorite newbergians, nicole, brian, matt, nicole, and matea. nicole and i went shoe shopping all day in portland and it was awesome. i was on the prowl for a pair of 40's inspired, completely unpractical heels and on a birthday money budget. we went to all the great shoe places i could think of, and i was rewarded with two great pairs of heels and being under budget. that is because i found the most amazing shoes for only $10. yeah baby! we went to this one store called halo, which shanna and naomi are always raving about. lo and behold, we walk in, and who is there but naomi herself, and caleb, her insanely hot brother. so that was a more-than-nice surprise. they apparently can afford $300 dollar shoes, which enforces the idea that they live in a world beyond my own, that includes such craziness as the sundance film festival, cocktail parties and weekend trips to new york. naomi is the kind of person i always expect to see in that ritzy party picture section of the paper, where they show pictures of the governer's wife at parties and such. the venn diagrams of our worlds do intersect, but some of the time i feel like an outsider in thier company.

after the shoe shop hopping, i went to church at countryside with my peops in my new amazing shoes. i thought if i put on hot heels i would immediattely walk like carrie bradshaw on the streets of manhattan, but such was not the case. i see years of practice ahead of me. as always seems to happen when i go to that church, i spent the whole service passing notes to bobo and whispering comments that were fairly inappropriate. i'm never more sure that i'm going to hell than when i leave that church. (mostly kidding). then we all went to this vietnamese restaurant and then bobo and nicole and i went and saw an enjoyable movie, in good company. i liked it because it was real. nicole didnt like it because she wanted a happy ending. i pointed to the screen and said "that's my life." brian said he doesnt go to the movies to see reality, he has that everyday. i just dont see the point of seeing movies with cookie cutter scripts where the guy always gets to girl. all they do is fuel my discontent, and it has plenty of fuel from other places. i ended the day at 2:30 am trying to fall asleep on brian's futon. i love unexpected days that are full of friends. the great part is, it doesnt even feel like the day is over yet! i am waking up at brian's right now and we are going to go have more fun. what a great weekend. when i woke up this morning i had a strangely comforting epiphany. there are certain people i will never be and certain people i will never be with. and really, that is okay with me.

"i imagine jesus walking into church, saying 'hey' to people as he comes up from the back, then glancing up at the stage, seeing the cross and going 'ugh!' " brian, pondering the appropriateness of displaying crosses

rejection or direction?

2005-02-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

a busy saturday i had today, unlike most saturdays. i started the day helping shanna at mes amies, which was the perfect opportunity to wear a fun outfit. then i went to a matinee at george fox of the current play, which was fairly entertaining. then i spent a fun afternoon/evening with my dear friend lissa, a girl i've always had a great connection with but never seem to hang out with that much, since we both had kinda different circles of friends in college. but today we hung out for quite awhile and had a wonderful girls talk at the good old coffee cottage. it was one of those comforting talks in which you realize that you both struggle with simular things, despite how bad you sometimes think those things are. she said the best thing...we were talking about how hurtful breakups can feel, how rejecting, even if we logically know we shouldnt be with that person. and she said, it's not rejection, it's direction. "what a great way to look at it!" i immediately thought.

the other day i turned 23. i had a nice little shindig at my apartment: small, but enjoyable. brian decided it would be fun for everyone else (and my downstairs neighbors) if each guest at my party gave me 23 spankings. luckily there were only 3 people there (in the spirit of honesty i have now told you that slightly sensistive fact), but my butt still hurts. however, that little party game yielded some pretty hysterical photots. well, i'm tired and sex and the city is on at brian's apartment (his sister is watching it, i will preserve his dignity) and it's distracting me. so just pretend i ended this in some clever way.

it seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no. jack johnson