9.29.2006
ladies eighties
tonight was one of those good nights. i think i've started several blogs with that line, and that is something to be thankful for. my good friend karen came over and we went out looking for fun in central square. we tried a few familiar clubs and then landed at the faithful phoenix landing (ha ha, we landed...) where the chalkboard outside simply sad, "ladies 80s." we asked the bouncer what that meant, exactly, and he said, "like cyndi lauper." bam, we were in, and as a bonus, he let us in free. suddenly we felt so exclusive, and we headed through the bar back to bathroom, and i waited while karen took care of her business. the bathroom was a surprisingly fascinating place. there was the usual condom/tampon vending machine and almost completely useless wimpy hand dryer, and then there were all these advertisements. one was full of fun facts, from which i learned that around 2500 left-handed people die every year from accidents involving tools made for right-handed people. this made me laugh. then it was back out into the bar to impatiently wait for the dj to start pumping out the ladies of the eighties. we almost left, but i'm so glad we didn't, because the next thing we knew, the music was thumping and the dance floor was ours. finally, unlike so many other nights out dancing, it was all about the music and the moves, and i was only semi-distracted by scanning the bar for eligible hotties. we rocked out to "girls just want to have fun" and did a dramatic interpretation of "thriller" (turns out the theme was fairly loose, as we learned when the dj tossed in some gnarls barkley, neither ladies nor eighties). the highlight of the night was a toss up between "i think we're alone now", complete with heart beating motions and passionate singing, and "shoop", where our sultry moves turned the heads of the male wallflowers. we left while we were on top, and burst out into the cold street singing the song we left behind. sometimes, you don't have to plan your friday night, or give in to the pressure to try and have a good time. you can simply go out and let a good time find you, look for some cyndi lauper and be the first one on the dance floor.
9.22.2006
the hardest thing and the right thing
turns out i'm a lot stronger than i originally thought. turns out that a lot of shit i thought i had figured out about myself, i don't. turns out that on rare occasions, when i know what i really need to do, i actually do it.
i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.
this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.
romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.
go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.
every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...
and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless
every one knows i'm in over my head
step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came
where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life
and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.
this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.
romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.
go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.
every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...
and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless
every one knows i'm in over my head
step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came
where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life
and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
9.04.2006
one year
sometimes i'm listening to songs and i love the lyrics, even though they don't describe my life right now. perhaps they describe something i've experienced in the past, and i'm amazed at how well the words of someone else capture my former feelings. ben harper does that for me pretty often.
yes indeed, i'm alone again
and here comes the emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
'cause i've been with witches
and i've been with a queen
it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day
i spent the last three days moving, and most of that pretending that i need a lot less help to move than i actually do. lots of times i think i can do things by myself that i really can't. luckily i have friends who know this, and they were there for me. so now all of my stuff is in my lovely new apartment, and i am beginning my second year in boston! unbelievable. i still feel new. like many other times in my life, this year seems to have flown by, but when i look back at individual months and days, some of them seemed so long and painful. those another lonely days. the last few months have been pretty splendid, and they passed too fast.
i am surrounded by a huge mess of my belongings. i have two papers due tomorrow that need significant work, and a small group to lead tomorrow night. and all i want to do is lay around on my bed and hang out with dan. i'd also like to have a couch, so that i could lay around in the living room, but i suppose that will come soon enough. maybe we can build one out of all of our empty boxes. we certainly have plenty of those. i'd also like a little money so i could go to see a movie and the independent movie theater that is steps from my house. yes, i love my new neighborhood. i am also a five minute walk from my favorite vintage clothing store, and a five minute bike ride to my work! no more bus for me! but i will always look back on the bus fondly, the long lonely days i spent riding it, and the rare beautiful moments connecting with strangers who became friends. yes, 71, you were good to me.
in the course of twenty crowded years
one parts with many illusions.
i did not wish to lose the early ones.
some memories are realities,
and are better than anything
that can ever happen to one again.
willa cather
yes indeed, i'm alone again
and here comes the emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
'cause i've been with witches
and i've been with a queen
it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day
i spent the last three days moving, and most of that pretending that i need a lot less help to move than i actually do. lots of times i think i can do things by myself that i really can't. luckily i have friends who know this, and they were there for me. so now all of my stuff is in my lovely new apartment, and i am beginning my second year in boston! unbelievable. i still feel new. like many other times in my life, this year seems to have flown by, but when i look back at individual months and days, some of them seemed so long and painful. those another lonely days. the last few months have been pretty splendid, and they passed too fast.
i am surrounded by a huge mess of my belongings. i have two papers due tomorrow that need significant work, and a small group to lead tomorrow night. and all i want to do is lay around on my bed and hang out with dan. i'd also like to have a couch, so that i could lay around in the living room, but i suppose that will come soon enough. maybe we can build one out of all of our empty boxes. we certainly have plenty of those. i'd also like a little money so i could go to see a movie and the independent movie theater that is steps from my house. yes, i love my new neighborhood. i am also a five minute walk from my favorite vintage clothing store, and a five minute bike ride to my work! no more bus for me! but i will always look back on the bus fondly, the long lonely days i spent riding it, and the rare beautiful moments connecting with strangers who became friends. yes, 71, you were good to me.
in the course of twenty crowded years
one parts with many illusions.
i did not wish to lose the early ones.
some memories are realities,
and are better than anything
that can ever happen to one again.
willa cather
8.08.2006
suddenly i see
the title of this blog is not only the title of one of my current fave songs (kt tunstall rules, check her out) but it is also the perfect summation of how i feel. suddenly, i get it. or at least i get something. i get why i really want to take it slow with some one, to stop being so physical with guys, why the risk of loving someone is worth it.
i have had an absolutely amazing three days. late night walks and talks, summer romance on the grass, experiencing feelings i've never felt before. talking with strangers who make macreme in the subway station, and playing with little puppies. devouring books about art therapy with zest and motivation, and absolutely, 100% being in love with the place i live and the people i know here. and best of all, laying it all out there, being completely honest and having someone be completely honest with me, meeting someone i can be my whole crazy self around, and they actually find it adorable. to record the feelings, images, and conversations of the last three days would take forever, but the way i feel after them can be put very simply: suddenly, i see.
art can be said to be -- and can be used as -- the externalized map of our interior self. peter london
art is the meeting ground of the world inside and the world outside. elinor ulman
to paint what we see before us is a different art than painting what we see within us. carl jung
art is a way of knowing what we actually believe. pat b. allen
how do i show
all the love
inside my heart
well this is all new
and i'm feeling my way through the dark kt tunstall
suddenly i see
this is who i wanna be
suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me kt tunstall
i have had an absolutely amazing three days. late night walks and talks, summer romance on the grass, experiencing feelings i've never felt before. talking with strangers who make macreme in the subway station, and playing with little puppies. devouring books about art therapy with zest and motivation, and absolutely, 100% being in love with the place i live and the people i know here. and best of all, laying it all out there, being completely honest and having someone be completely honest with me, meeting someone i can be my whole crazy self around, and they actually find it adorable. to record the feelings, images, and conversations of the last three days would take forever, but the way i feel after them can be put very simply: suddenly, i see.
art can be said to be -- and can be used as -- the externalized map of our interior self. peter london
art is the meeting ground of the world inside and the world outside. elinor ulman
to paint what we see before us is a different art than painting what we see within us. carl jung
art is a way of knowing what we actually believe. pat b. allen
how do i show
all the love
inside my heart
well this is all new
and i'm feeling my way through the dark kt tunstall
suddenly i see
this is who i wanna be
suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me kt tunstall
8.02.2006
when you least expect it
i love boston because of the people i meet here. tonight, after an exhausting shift full of more "my life is hopeless" conversations with teenagers (i think i've had one of those with almost all of the kids at my school in the last few weeks)i settled onto my familiar bench in my familiar bus station in harvard square, to wait for my familiar bus. as usual, i am too tired to read from my "introduction to therapeutic counseling" textbook, too tired to do anything else but slouch and wait for my bus. like many other nights, a guy came and sat next to me. but this guy was different.
we started talking because he thought he smashed his new CD when he sat down, and i was being my polite, friendly, oregonian self and helping him assess the damage. suddenly we were like old friends, chatting and laughing, the words coming easily. i forgot that i was waiting for the bus, forgot that i hadn't known this guy five minutes before. i told i really wanted a bike but i was too poor so i needed a free one and i didn't care what kind it was or what it looked like as long as it was functional. we got on the bus together, still chatting, and he sat down near me and said, "i'm going to find you a bike."
"come sit by me," i said, because it was ridiculous to pretend that we didn't want to be sitting together, talking. so he did. and he asked me the question he asks every one he meets from oregon, something about walking by rivers and finding turquoise. i asked if he had a question for people from every state and he said he thought he did, and i said, "ohio." and sure enough, he had a question and a great, quirky story to go with it. he was asking me to meet him for coffee before he was asking my name, and we shook hands.
"my stop is coming up" i said, and he said, "so is mine." and then we discovered we had the same stop (he said his first, so that elevated my fears of creepiness) and we both laughed because this whole thing was just so crazy, and we got off the bus together and talked and laughed and gave each other nicknames even though we'd just met. and we exchanged numbers and made plans to go see the band who's CD he thought he'd broken when he sat down next to me in the first place.
"wicked nice meeting you" he said, in true boston fashion. "i'm going to find you a bike, liz."
i walked down my street, trying to figure out if i was awake or dreaming. who knows, maybe he's crazy, or gay, or an atheist, but he's super fun and our meeting was so serendipitous. things like this don't happen every day, or every year for that matter. at the very least, it's certainly worth documenting. and at the most? we shall see.
we started talking because he thought he smashed his new CD when he sat down, and i was being my polite, friendly, oregonian self and helping him assess the damage. suddenly we were like old friends, chatting and laughing, the words coming easily. i forgot that i was waiting for the bus, forgot that i hadn't known this guy five minutes before. i told i really wanted a bike but i was too poor so i needed a free one and i didn't care what kind it was or what it looked like as long as it was functional. we got on the bus together, still chatting, and he sat down near me and said, "i'm going to find you a bike."
"come sit by me," i said, because it was ridiculous to pretend that we didn't want to be sitting together, talking. so he did. and he asked me the question he asks every one he meets from oregon, something about walking by rivers and finding turquoise. i asked if he had a question for people from every state and he said he thought he did, and i said, "ohio." and sure enough, he had a question and a great, quirky story to go with it. he was asking me to meet him for coffee before he was asking my name, and we shook hands.
"my stop is coming up" i said, and he said, "so is mine." and then we discovered we had the same stop (he said his first, so that elevated my fears of creepiness) and we both laughed because this whole thing was just so crazy, and we got off the bus together and talked and laughed and gave each other nicknames even though we'd just met. and we exchanged numbers and made plans to go see the band who's CD he thought he'd broken when he sat down next to me in the first place.
"wicked nice meeting you" he said, in true boston fashion. "i'm going to find you a bike, liz."
i walked down my street, trying to figure out if i was awake or dreaming. who knows, maybe he's crazy, or gay, or an atheist, but he's super fun and our meeting was so serendipitous. things like this don't happen every day, or every year for that matter. at the very least, it's certainly worth documenting. and at the most? we shall see.
8.01.2006
for kari
kari needs something to read, so here goes. i will say, i would love to read something new on kari's blog as well...
sometimes my life really does feel like a tv show. like when i get into a staged bar brawl and end up meeting a hot guy who actually calls me and actually takes me out on a real date. or when my housing situation turns into a total nightmare and i lose two third roomates named sara(h) and i finally find a place with my third third roomate but i lose my dream apartment in the process and end up spewing all my frustrations onto the poor workers at the apartment rental office in a very candid and almost rude way. or (and this is the best one) when i spend all my free time playing scrabble with my friend dan and then my friend sarah asks me if i want this giant scrabble rug with giant scrabble pieces that you can actually play on and i say "yes, yes, oh my goodness, i cant wait to show danny!"
my amazing friend sarah is letting me borrow this amazing book called the art of looking sideways. here are some lovelies i have found in it's pages...
i work with things left over from other things. (julian schnabel) this is so my new artist's statement.
an idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. (don marquis) hmmm...
question: where do you get your ideas?
answer: i don't. they get me!
the person you love is 72.8% water. i guess that means i love water.
the negative is the score but the print is the performance. (ansel adams) i love photography.
there are many more lovelies in the book but it is heavy and my first engagement of the day is calling. i guess that means i have to get out of bed, which is sad and tragic. i guess that also means i have to change out of my new pink pajama pants with little puppies dressed in cute little outfits all over them, which is also tragic. why can't i go out in public like this? soon i will have a puppy! i cant wait.
sometimes my life really does feel like a tv show. like when i get into a staged bar brawl and end up meeting a hot guy who actually calls me and actually takes me out on a real date. or when my housing situation turns into a total nightmare and i lose two third roomates named sara(h) and i finally find a place with my third third roomate but i lose my dream apartment in the process and end up spewing all my frustrations onto the poor workers at the apartment rental office in a very candid and almost rude way. or (and this is the best one) when i spend all my free time playing scrabble with my friend dan and then my friend sarah asks me if i want this giant scrabble rug with giant scrabble pieces that you can actually play on and i say "yes, yes, oh my goodness, i cant wait to show danny!"
my amazing friend sarah is letting me borrow this amazing book called the art of looking sideways. here are some lovelies i have found in it's pages...
i work with things left over from other things. (julian schnabel) this is so my new artist's statement.
an idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. (don marquis) hmmm...
question: where do you get your ideas?
answer: i don't. they get me!
the person you love is 72.8% water. i guess that means i love water.
the negative is the score but the print is the performance. (ansel adams) i love photography.
there are many more lovelies in the book but it is heavy and my first engagement of the day is calling. i guess that means i have to get out of bed, which is sad and tragic. i guess that also means i have to change out of my new pink pajama pants with little puppies dressed in cute little outfits all over them, which is also tragic. why can't i go out in public like this? soon i will have a puppy! i cant wait.
7.25.2006
the truth is beautiful
if you can be honest
i can be too
if you take the first step
i'll follow you through
child don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it will heal the wounds it makes
you've been decieved to think
that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it will give more than it takes
honest, kendall payne
tonight i transferred some of my old mp3's from college onto my laptop and now i'm listening to some of my favorite forgotten songs, such as the one above. those words are definitely a part of my life philosophy, my mantra if you will.
i spent the day apartment hunting, which has quickly become my absolute least favorite thing to do. it's so much easier in oregon, where they have these amazing things called apartment complexes. yes, they are corporate and cookie-cutter and have no history, but they are all in one place, easy to access, with plenty of parking and reasonable rent rates. such is not the case in boston. in boston, apartments are mostly floors of houses or rooms in large old buildings. yes, you can find restored victorian greatness, but mostly you will find ghetto unsanitary crap. at least in my price range. you drive all over town (if you're lucky, otherwise you walk) becoming more and more discouraged with every dump you see and by the end of the day you're so sick from too much apartment that even if you saw the apartment of your dreams, you'd hate it because you're so exhausted and cranky.
being patient is so hard. trusting God is so hard. doing the right thing is so hard. staying on the right path is so hard. believing that i'm not alone is so hard. but when i can manage these things, when God helps me to do so, it is also so beautiful. and the mistakes that fill up the space between these rare moments are beautiful, too.
the greenest trees you'll ever see
are the ones in your mind
and all the answers and the dreams
will come to you in time
you are living life
you are living life
you are living life
the way you feel
and that is real
living life, ben kweller (a new favorite)
i can be too
if you take the first step
i'll follow you through
child don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it will heal the wounds it makes
you've been decieved to think
that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it will give more than it takes
honest, kendall payne
tonight i transferred some of my old mp3's from college onto my laptop and now i'm listening to some of my favorite forgotten songs, such as the one above. those words are definitely a part of my life philosophy, my mantra if you will.
i spent the day apartment hunting, which has quickly become my absolute least favorite thing to do. it's so much easier in oregon, where they have these amazing things called apartment complexes. yes, they are corporate and cookie-cutter and have no history, but they are all in one place, easy to access, with plenty of parking and reasonable rent rates. such is not the case in boston. in boston, apartments are mostly floors of houses or rooms in large old buildings. yes, you can find restored victorian greatness, but mostly you will find ghetto unsanitary crap. at least in my price range. you drive all over town (if you're lucky, otherwise you walk) becoming more and more discouraged with every dump you see and by the end of the day you're so sick from too much apartment that even if you saw the apartment of your dreams, you'd hate it because you're so exhausted and cranky.
being patient is so hard. trusting God is so hard. doing the right thing is so hard. staying on the right path is so hard. believing that i'm not alone is so hard. but when i can manage these things, when God helps me to do so, it is also so beautiful. and the mistakes that fill up the space between these rare moments are beautiful, too.
the greenest trees you'll ever see
are the ones in your mind
and all the answers and the dreams
will come to you in time
you are living life
you are living life
you are living life
the way you feel
and that is real
living life, ben kweller (a new favorite)
7.14.2006
my hands
when our shoulders touch
it’s all I can do
to stop my hands
from reaching for you
I don’t know how
to take it slow
to deal with
the not knowing
I’m fragile
I want you
do you want me
too?
I guess for now
i’ll try and sleep
I’ll try and pray
and I’ll sit
on my hands
it’s all I can do
to stop my hands
from reaching for you
I don’t know how
to take it slow
to deal with
the not knowing
I’m fragile
I want you
do you want me
too?
I guess for now
i’ll try and sleep
I’ll try and pray
and I’ll sit
on my hands
remember when...
remember when the absolute best thing you could think of to do on a friday night was go clothes shopping with your mom?
and when you used to think that you'd be married with kids by the age that she was married with kids?
and life was simpler?
remember back to before you realized that yearning and pain are a part of the human condition?
and that sometimes, when people seem to good to be true
they are
or, they are taken away from you too soon?
remember when you didn't have to put on tight jeans, a sexy top, and heels to attract a boy?
and you were still young enough to say exactly what you thought
right when you thought it?
remember when you realized that all the people you loved
would never, ever
all be in the same place
at the same time
with you?
the first time you felt loss
the first time you felt love
the first time you felt pain
and knew you would feel it again
i do.
and when you used to think that you'd be married with kids by the age that she was married with kids?
and life was simpler?
remember back to before you realized that yearning and pain are a part of the human condition?
and that sometimes, when people seem to good to be true
they are
or, they are taken away from you too soon?
remember when you didn't have to put on tight jeans, a sexy top, and heels to attract a boy?
and you were still young enough to say exactly what you thought
right when you thought it?
remember when you realized that all the people you loved
would never, ever
all be in the same place
at the same time
with you?
the first time you felt loss
the first time you felt love
the first time you felt pain
and knew you would feel it again
i do.
6.29.2006
why i hate camping
everything is a pain in the ass when you're camping. EVERYTHING. even simple tasks, like brushing your teeth or putting on clean socks, become a difficult challenge. for the last few years, i have felt an unspoken pressure to love camping, to yearn to go hiking, to want to spend all my free time exploring the great outdoors. don't get me wrong, nature is beautiful. maybe this pressure comes from being from oregon, or from dating eagle scouts and guys who got very exicited about cramp-ons and head lamps...i'm not sure. but this week i finally admitted it to myself...i am not outdoorsy. i do not like camping. it boggles my mind why one would leave the comfort of their home and go outside and sleep on the hard ground and make everything so hard for themselves. okay, fine, i know why they do it, but that doesn't mean i have to want to do it, too. it's okay not to love camping. it's okay to be happiest when i'm in my bed, with my laptop, eating life cereal, and enjoying nature through my window.
this past week i spent four days camping in new hampshire with my work. four days, forty mosquito bites. no joke. i feel like i have the chicken pox and i need to duct tape oven mitts to my hands so i wont scratch.
i am going home TOMORROW! i cant believe it. brian and nicole are getting married in ONE WEEK! surreal, i am sure even more so for them. i am so excited to go home. i can't believe how long i've been waiting for this. a year ago i was here in boston visting, trying to decide if i wanted to live and work here, and falling in love with this city. and now it is my city, and God has given me an amazing job, amazing friends, and i'm fairly happy most of the time. i don't mean that to sound negative, but a year ago, even a few months ago, i was fairly unhappy most of the time. so this is progress.
i have fallen in love with another band, the kings of convenience. their cd that i've been listening to is called "quiet is the new loud." i like that. i like it when things are convenient. things are very inconvenient when you're camping.
things seem so much better when they're not a part of your close surroundings. like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance. possibilities and sweeter dreams, sights and sounds calling from far away. the kings of convenience
this past week i spent four days camping in new hampshire with my work. four days, forty mosquito bites. no joke. i feel like i have the chicken pox and i need to duct tape oven mitts to my hands so i wont scratch.
i am going home TOMORROW! i cant believe it. brian and nicole are getting married in ONE WEEK! surreal, i am sure even more so for them. i am so excited to go home. i can't believe how long i've been waiting for this. a year ago i was here in boston visting, trying to decide if i wanted to live and work here, and falling in love with this city. and now it is my city, and God has given me an amazing job, amazing friends, and i'm fairly happy most of the time. i don't mean that to sound negative, but a year ago, even a few months ago, i was fairly unhappy most of the time. so this is progress.
i have fallen in love with another band, the kings of convenience. their cd that i've been listening to is called "quiet is the new loud." i like that. i like it when things are convenient. things are very inconvenient when you're camping.
things seem so much better when they're not a part of your close surroundings. like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance. possibilities and sweeter dreams, sights and sounds calling from far away. the kings of convenience
6.17.2006
no kisses and no popsicles
i'm so sick bored lonely hungry tired achy anxious. no, i did not wake up healed the other morning, and i've been sleeping so much the last few days that i'm not really sure who i am, let alone what day it is. i am sure of one thing: there are many fun things you can do online, such as create maps of where you have been in the united states:
create your own visited states map
and the world:
create your own visited countries map
as you can see, the world one is pretty sad, and i clearly have something against the south in general. i could have cheated and counted states who's airports i have been in, but i did not. the road trip helped a lot. here is a (non-exhaustive) list of states and countries i would like to visit:
1. hawaii
2. california again
3. new zealand
4. australia
5. ireland
6. switzerland
7. france
8. maine (just so i can finish that corner)
9. colorado again
10. africa (yes, i know that is broad)
11. england again
12. italy again
13. canada
14. any and all tropical islands
i am so bored. yet so exhausted. and i really need some food, but i don't have a car and i barely had the energy to get out of bed, walk to the couch, and watch never been kissed this morning. if i can hardly do that, how am i going to go to the store? i wish i had magic powers and i wish i had popsicles. my throat hurts. the funny thing is, since the last time i watched never been kissed, gaucho pants came into style.
kari, i want to see your maps. i am sure they are very red, and getting redder every day! not every one can make being a park ranger look cool! just remember that.
every one else, if you're reading this, S.O.S! i need popsicles. thank you.
create your own visited states map
and the world:
create your own visited countries map
as you can see, the world one is pretty sad, and i clearly have something against the south in general. i could have cheated and counted states who's airports i have been in, but i did not. the road trip helped a lot. here is a (non-exhaustive) list of states and countries i would like to visit:
1. hawaii
2. california again
3. new zealand
4. australia
5. ireland
6. switzerland
7. france
8. maine (just so i can finish that corner)
9. colorado again
10. africa (yes, i know that is broad)
11. england again
12. italy again
13. canada
14. any and all tropical islands
i am so bored. yet so exhausted. and i really need some food, but i don't have a car and i barely had the energy to get out of bed, walk to the couch, and watch never been kissed this morning. if i can hardly do that, how am i going to go to the store? i wish i had magic powers and i wish i had popsicles. my throat hurts. the funny thing is, since the last time i watched never been kissed, gaucho pants came into style.
kari, i want to see your maps. i am sure they are very red, and getting redder every day! not every one can make being a park ranger look cool! just remember that.
every one else, if you're reading this, S.O.S! i need popsicles. thank you.
6.15.2006
a prospect and a half
sometimes, all i really have is a title, a title i don't intend to explain. but for the sake of my readers (which are many) i will attempt to think of something else to say.
i left work early this evening as i am feeling under the weather. i just swallowed a couple of nyquil in the hopes that i will fall into a deep sleep and wake up miraculously healed in the morning and ready to head back to work. we shall see.
i am going home in about two weeks! i am sooo excited. i shall hold "my" babies, i shall be a beautiful bridesmaid (but not more beautiful than the bride, of course), and i shall have good times with friends and the fam.
but what to do when i return? that is the question that is currently plagueing me. see, i got into grad school for art therapy, and this is all very exciting and congratulations to me and all that jazz, but now i'm not sure if i should go. i have determined in the last few days through reflection and prayer that i do indeed WANT to go, which is good, but i am not sure if God has something better in mind. my friends prayed for me at small group, which was very nice, but one of their prayers made me think YES to grad school, and the other made me think NO. the first one said something along the lines of "it's a risk not to take a risk." now which is more of a risk? grad school or no grad school? i used to think it was the former but now i think it's the latter and i am confused and i need a sign from God. a clear sign. you know, a YES or NO written in the sky kind of sign. again, we shall see.
the other night i was worrying outloud in a simular, over-analytical fashion about a new man in my life, and i was working myself into quite a frenzy, and my male friend said, "i'm so glad i'm a guy." i was jealous, very jealous, just as i have been ever since i first learned that males can shut off their thoughts and enjoy a mental peace that i can only dream of.
speaking of dreams, i think the nyquil is starting to do the trick. as i sometimes say to God before i go to sleep, thank you, good night.
i left work early this evening as i am feeling under the weather. i just swallowed a couple of nyquil in the hopes that i will fall into a deep sleep and wake up miraculously healed in the morning and ready to head back to work. we shall see.
i am going home in about two weeks! i am sooo excited. i shall hold "my" babies, i shall be a beautiful bridesmaid (but not more beautiful than the bride, of course), and i shall have good times with friends and the fam.
but what to do when i return? that is the question that is currently plagueing me. see, i got into grad school for art therapy, and this is all very exciting and congratulations to me and all that jazz, but now i'm not sure if i should go. i have determined in the last few days through reflection and prayer that i do indeed WANT to go, which is good, but i am not sure if God has something better in mind. my friends prayed for me at small group, which was very nice, but one of their prayers made me think YES to grad school, and the other made me think NO. the first one said something along the lines of "it's a risk not to take a risk." now which is more of a risk? grad school or no grad school? i used to think it was the former but now i think it's the latter and i am confused and i need a sign from God. a clear sign. you know, a YES or NO written in the sky kind of sign. again, we shall see.
the other night i was worrying outloud in a simular, over-analytical fashion about a new man in my life, and i was working myself into quite a frenzy, and my male friend said, "i'm so glad i'm a guy." i was jealous, very jealous, just as i have been ever since i first learned that males can shut off their thoughts and enjoy a mental peace that i can only dream of.
speaking of dreams, i think the nyquil is starting to do the trick. as i sometimes say to God before i go to sleep, thank you, good night.
6.13.2006
the sound of silence
a week ago i was walking to catch the bus and my ipod somehow slipped out of my pocket. it took me about 30 seconds to realize this, and during that time, somebody snatched it. i searched and searched in the pouring rain, going through two pairs of jeans, but to no avail. had i written about this then, you would have gotten the whole over-dramatic sob story, but it's been a week and i've finally accepted it.
we spend so much time waiting when we should be experiencing. so much time sleeping when we should be creating artistic masterpieces. so much time questioning, worrying, and agonizing. i'm trying to work on patience, the kind of patience that doesn't cease to experience during the waiting. this is hard. why is it so hard to convince myself that i have so much to be thankful for, that God has given me an amazing life? why do we spend so much time looking ahead to what we do not yet have and so little enjoying what we do?
okay, enough deep thoughts. let's talk about men. i'm trying to phase the word "men" into my vocabulary and phase out the words "boys" and "guys." this is because what i am looking for is a man, not an immature boy or an ambivilant guy. i figure any guy my age or older that i'm interested in should at least be given the benefit of the doubt about being a man. like innocent until proven guilty, my prospects shall be man until proven boy or guy.
all this to say, i met a man, and i think and i like him, and i hate waiting to see what will happen. i hate wondering when the next time i'll see him will be, and wondering what his opinion of me is. wondering if he's spending time with other girls, or i guess i should say women. funny. if i'm going to use the word man, i guess that means i have to call myself a woman. i do this plenty in my head, but outloud? perhaps the time has come.
last night i saw the movie about al gore and global warming, an inconvienent truth. holy moley, it was scary. i highly recommend that if you care about the planet at all, you go see it. and stop driving. and if all else fails, move to higher ground, so that when greenland breaks up and the oceans rise 20 feet, you'll be safe. at least for a few more years.
www.climatecrisis.net
we spend so much time waiting when we should be experiencing. so much time sleeping when we should be creating artistic masterpieces. so much time questioning, worrying, and agonizing. i'm trying to work on patience, the kind of patience that doesn't cease to experience during the waiting. this is hard. why is it so hard to convince myself that i have so much to be thankful for, that God has given me an amazing life? why do we spend so much time looking ahead to what we do not yet have and so little enjoying what we do?
okay, enough deep thoughts. let's talk about men. i'm trying to phase the word "men" into my vocabulary and phase out the words "boys" and "guys." this is because what i am looking for is a man, not an immature boy or an ambivilant guy. i figure any guy my age or older that i'm interested in should at least be given the benefit of the doubt about being a man. like innocent until proven guilty, my prospects shall be man until proven boy or guy.
all this to say, i met a man, and i think and i like him, and i hate waiting to see what will happen. i hate wondering when the next time i'll see him will be, and wondering what his opinion of me is. wondering if he's spending time with other girls, or i guess i should say women. funny. if i'm going to use the word man, i guess that means i have to call myself a woman. i do this plenty in my head, but outloud? perhaps the time has come.
last night i saw the movie about al gore and global warming, an inconvienent truth. holy moley, it was scary. i highly recommend that if you care about the planet at all, you go see it. and stop driving. and if all else fails, move to higher ground, so that when greenland breaks up and the oceans rise 20 feet, you'll be safe. at least for a few more years.
www.climatecrisis.net
5.29.2006
travel chocolate
i made a new friend yesterday. his name is donald. he introduced me to a concept that i will surely carry with me for life: travel chocolate. you carry it around with you so that when you (or your travel companion) start getting hungry and cranky, you can whip it out and avert a crisis. even though we were just walking around central square, we got some travel chocolate. if you know me, you know i love chocolate, and any excuse to carry some with me is the best idea i've ever heard.
i'm so sleepy. today i'm going to dog sit my friend's dog, parisol. she is a boston bull terrier mix. this little exercise will theoretically help me decide if i really want to get a dog or not. i'm excited, because she is freaking adorable, but i'm worried that after today i won't want my own little doggie anymore.
last night i left work at 11:40 pm. i got to the bus station at midnight. the bus always takes about a year to come on sunday nights, so i settled in with my ipod to watch lost. i made it through an entire episode. i started another one. i was fading into exhaustion and frustration. soon it was almost 1 am. i started getting angry, having visions of myself calling the mbta and forcing them to pay for my cab fare that i was about to have to shell out. the bus showed up at 1:15 am. riding home, i felt less angry about it than usual. it was refreshing. earlier in the day, i had prayed that God would give his spirit, especially the fruits of his spirit. the patience and peace i was feeling certainly wasn't from me.
every minute that passes i think of another person i'm going to see that i don't want to talk to.
my friend, while waiting to leave for a college friend's birthday party
i'm so sleepy. today i'm going to dog sit my friend's dog, parisol. she is a boston bull terrier mix. this little exercise will theoretically help me decide if i really want to get a dog or not. i'm excited, because she is freaking adorable, but i'm worried that after today i won't want my own little doggie anymore.
last night i left work at 11:40 pm. i got to the bus station at midnight. the bus always takes about a year to come on sunday nights, so i settled in with my ipod to watch lost. i made it through an entire episode. i started another one. i was fading into exhaustion and frustration. soon it was almost 1 am. i started getting angry, having visions of myself calling the mbta and forcing them to pay for my cab fare that i was about to have to shell out. the bus showed up at 1:15 am. riding home, i felt less angry about it than usual. it was refreshing. earlier in the day, i had prayed that God would give his spirit, especially the fruits of his spirit. the patience and peace i was feeling certainly wasn't from me.
every minute that passes i think of another person i'm going to see that i don't want to talk to.
my friend, while waiting to leave for a college friend's birthday party
5.16.2006
sharing umbrellas
it won't stop raining in boston. i don't get it. apparently it was almost 100 degrees yesterday in oregon. what is going on here, people? i did not sign up for this. i have cute new summer shoes and skirts and i want to wear them! i do not want to keep re-getting out my winter coats! first the winter lasts half the year, and now this!
every where i look i see couples. couples, couples, couples. snuggling on the bus. chatting it up on the subway. shopping for trendy clothes together at urban outfitters, hands intertwined. sharing umbrellas in harvard square. i try not to hate them, but sometimes i do. why do we hate people who we want to be?
there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of adorable indie semi-tatooed guys in cambridge. i see them every day. isn't there one for me?
every where i look i see couples. couples, couples, couples. snuggling on the bus. chatting it up on the subway. shopping for trendy clothes together at urban outfitters, hands intertwined. sharing umbrellas in harvard square. i try not to hate them, but sometimes i do. why do we hate people who we want to be?
there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of adorable indie semi-tatooed guys in cambridge. i see them every day. isn't there one for me?
5.06.2006
24 hour snapshot
10 pm, friday: just finished seeing blue man group with my school. freaking awesome! the best part was one of my students sitting next to me, a girl who is normally quite depressed, screaming with joy at the top of her lungs.
11 pm: out with my amazing new girl friends at the asgard in central square.
12 am: we are having a candid conversation about sex, relationships, and christian boys. i can't help but compare us to the sex and the city girls. especially since i'm wearing an outfit that has made me feel like carrie bradshaw all day.
1 am: heading home with sara, still talking about boys.
2 am - 8 am: sleeping
8 am: walking to the bus like a zombie, wearing three different pink patterns and feeling damn good about it.
9 am: arrive at work, discover the latest act of teenage defiance
10 am-4 pm: at work, dealing with the drama, trying helplessly to speak logic to hopeless teenage boys. exhausted and blowing my nose non-stop. discovering that claritin doesn't work on new england allergies.
4 pm: back on the bus, listening to music, tapping my pink shoes, drifting off to sleep...
5 pm-9 pm: napping
9 pm: eating ice cream, wasting time on the internet, trying to drudge up the motivation to clean the bomb of crap that is my room. instead, i stay in bed where it is safe.
10 pm: blogging it up. time to call my mommy.
11 pm: out with my amazing new girl friends at the asgard in central square.
12 am: we are having a candid conversation about sex, relationships, and christian boys. i can't help but compare us to the sex and the city girls. especially since i'm wearing an outfit that has made me feel like carrie bradshaw all day.
1 am: heading home with sara, still talking about boys.
2 am - 8 am: sleeping
8 am: walking to the bus like a zombie, wearing three different pink patterns and feeling damn good about it.
9 am: arrive at work, discover the latest act of teenage defiance
10 am-4 pm: at work, dealing with the drama, trying helplessly to speak logic to hopeless teenage boys. exhausted and blowing my nose non-stop. discovering that claritin doesn't work on new england allergies.
4 pm: back on the bus, listening to music, tapping my pink shoes, drifting off to sleep...
5 pm-9 pm: napping
9 pm: eating ice cream, wasting time on the internet, trying to drudge up the motivation to clean the bomb of crap that is my room. instead, i stay in bed where it is safe.
10 pm: blogging it up. time to call my mommy.
5.01.2006
melancholy: illuminated
everything is illuminated in the light of the past jonathan safran foer
if you haven't seen the movie everything is illuminated, please go do it right now. and if you still believe in love at all, but feel a bit jaded, you should watch walk the line after that. then listen to the new amsterdams. trust me, this is the formula for happiness.
yesterday i made art on the floor a la sabrina ward harrison with my new wonderful friend sarah. sabrina just came out with this journal, partially illustrated by her, that you can add your own words and images to. sarah and i are doing it together.
on saturday night i met a bunch of my friends from work who were all out drinking. by the time i got there they were all pretty wasted, and they were ridiculously excited to see me. it was pretty hilarious.
my best friend brian is taking his future wife nicole on a honeymoon to italy. apparently he told me this was a surprise. i obviously wasn't listening if he did because a few days ago i sent her an email that said, among other things, "i'm so excited for you to go to italy! you'll love it!" they had a good laugh. i didn't really think it was funny. oops.
in two months i am going home to oregon for a week. a month or two or three ago i really didn't think i could make it until july. i have been in boston for 8 months, and in july it will have been 10, and 6 months since i've been home. i should get some sort of medal. even if i don't, i'm really proud of myself.
on friday i went to the circus for the first time in my life. it was amazing. people were flying everywhere, catching each other while dogs did the can-can on their hind legs. i watched in awe and horror, stuffing cotton candy into my gaping mouth. i realized if i ever want to fly like i do in my dreams, i'm going to have to join the circus.
do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? (who else?) the new amsterdams
if you haven't seen the movie everything is illuminated, please go do it right now. and if you still believe in love at all, but feel a bit jaded, you should watch walk the line after that. then listen to the new amsterdams. trust me, this is the formula for happiness.
yesterday i made art on the floor a la sabrina ward harrison with my new wonderful friend sarah. sabrina just came out with this journal, partially illustrated by her, that you can add your own words and images to. sarah and i are doing it together.
on saturday night i met a bunch of my friends from work who were all out drinking. by the time i got there they were all pretty wasted, and they were ridiculously excited to see me. it was pretty hilarious.
my best friend brian is taking his future wife nicole on a honeymoon to italy. apparently he told me this was a surprise. i obviously wasn't listening if he did because a few days ago i sent her an email that said, among other things, "i'm so excited for you to go to italy! you'll love it!" they had a good laugh. i didn't really think it was funny. oops.
in two months i am going home to oregon for a week. a month or two or three ago i really didn't think i could make it until july. i have been in boston for 8 months, and in july it will have been 10, and 6 months since i've been home. i should get some sort of medal. even if i don't, i'm really proud of myself.
on friday i went to the circus for the first time in my life. it was amazing. people were flying everywhere, catching each other while dogs did the can-can on their hind legs. i watched in awe and horror, stuffing cotton candy into my gaping mouth. i realized if i ever want to fly like i do in my dreams, i'm going to have to join the circus.
do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? (who else?) the new amsterdams
4.24.2006
thwarted...again!
for the past few months, i have had a secret (and then not-so-secret) crush on an adorable boy with shocking red hair who works at the video store. every sunday at work, we rent a movie. every sunday, i see steven. we smile. we talk. i leave, grinning.
today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.
i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.
i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.
i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.
i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.
i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.
"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.
"i would..."
but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?
"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."
it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.
"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.
i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.
i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.
no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin
today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.
i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.
i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.
i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.
i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.
i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.
"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.
"i would..."
but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?
"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."
it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.
"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.
i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.
i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.
no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin
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