my love/hate relationship with the mall

i don't have to stop and think for very long to realize that the mall is a pretty lame place. not only does it perpetuate all that is evil about our country, and not only does the food make you want to throw up (although it tastes pretty damn good on the way down), and not only is a hang out spot for teenage cliques, it also leaves you feeling strangely unsatisfied. would i be happier if i could afford more clothes? why don't the items in my bag that i so coveted give me a greater sense of meaning? how come when i close my eyes all i see are blindingly bright lights, emaciated mannequins dressed in hideous clothing, and a guy trying to acost me so that he can buff my fingernail into shiny glory? seriously, no one wants one buffed nail, which i guess is their gimmick to get you to buy the stupid buffer.

despite this long rant tearing the mall to shreds, i still go there. yes, i love shopping, and the mall is a fairly good place to do that. it houses some of my favorite stores (along with a bunch of really lame ones, like cambridgeside galleria's "body basics," which sells freakishly cheap and ugly underwear). but my love/hate relationship even extends to some of these favorite stores! let me explain.

the gap. in high school, i thought it was only for loser preppies. in college, i realized they had some cute stuff, and i purchased my very first pair of gap jeans, which sadly to say, no longer fit. as myself and my fashion sense continued to mature, the gap became my place for basic wardrobe staples at semi-reasonable prices. add in some credit cards and a few trips to the awesome place that is the gap outlet, and random gap treasure finds at thrift stores, and suddenly i find myself clad in all gap on some days. so where does the hate come in? really, the thing i hate is also something else i love. the gosh darn baby clothes. they are so freaking adorable, that sometimes i can't contain myself. and today, it was my first glimpse of the baby gap 2008 spring line, and it was all i could do to stop myself from shreiking with delight at all of the beautiful, bright, teeny tiny clothes. a couple of years ago i either wrote or considered writing a blog entry entitled "killed by cuteness" after viewing another smorgasbord of baby gap spring delights. the thing is, i love bright colors, and the designers at baby gap are always making such bright garments, and well...every once in a while i buy something for my future child. what can i say? i love children, color, and clothes. the point is, baby gap is too full of goodness. it overwhelms me. polka dots and stripes...hurray!

j crew. i discovered them in college, too. it all started with their sweaters. adorable, comfortable, high quality...expensive. and so it goes with all of the amazingly stylish, make you look like a model, retro throw-backs that j crew offers. i don't know how many times i have looked at their catalog and actually found myself thinking, "i would be happier with that amazing, $78 jacket." it's bad. very bad. and today all of their clothes were so bright. needless to say, i don't really have anything from j crew. i have one amazing sweater, that i managed to get as a christmas gift one year, but last month i accidentally shrunk it when i was temporarily taken over by a complete moron and put some of my sweaters in the dryer. this is one of the main reasons i can't really shop at j crew. i am way too hard on my clothes. i work with kids, i make art, my dog gets muddy foot prints on me, and, i admit, i wipe my hands on my pants when i'm eating.

in short, i'm a slob. but i'm also a fashionista. so, until i become some corporate stylish lady, and i have a reason to purchase perfectly tailored j crew suits (which i never plan to do), i will charge my gap jeans and keep wiping the grease from my mall nachos on them, thank you very much.

fall fashion and accumulated wisdom

today i inadvertently went 'back-to-school' shopping. i was at the mall, because it was too hot to be outside, and i wanted to buy an air conditioner for that same reason, and i went into h & m, because that is what i do when i'm at the mall, and i just couldn't stop myself from buying a few things. a slate gray jumper, a bright red extra long tee, and a long sleeve brown t-shirt with extra long ribbed cuffs and bright blue pin stripes, to be exact. i don't subscribe to the idea that just because i've graduated high school i should have to stop school shopping. if you know me, you know i'll use any excuse to shop. i also have a million justifications for doing so! my uncle once said, "wine taste, beer budget." that's me, and that's why i love h & m.

my new favorite colors are plum and slate gray. and they make a lovely color when you mix them together as well. i'm still on the fence about whether to spell gray with an 'e' or an 'a.' the only reason i'm doing it with an 'a' right now is because that's what spell check tells me to do. however, i have made an important decision in another arena...i now have a favorite movie director! wes anderson. he freaking rules. my new favorite movie is the life aquatic and i can hardly wait to see the darjeeling limited. i want to wallpaper my new living room with wes anderson movie posters.

since i haven't blogged since march (i guess i was too busy), here's an update on my life and highlights of the last several months.

status checks: i still work at the same place, i'm still happily dating danny, and i'm still studying art therapy. however, i now have a car and i will be moving in less than a week to my favorite neighborhood. i dont have a puppy (yet) and i now have very short hair. i am moving in with danny and my best friend karen and a very lovely girl named heidi.

the new me. my brother's dog, camo.

highlights: danny and i went to oregon together a couple of weeks ago! it was so much fun. i'm starting my first art therapy internship in september. saw brandi carlisle in concert and fell in love with folk rock all over again. worked my ass off at work and nearly lost my mind for it on several occasions. climbed mt. washington! hell yeah! went digging for herkimer diamonds with danny in fonda, ny. went to maine and climbed big, scary rocks. watched the entire series of six feet under. just finished yesterday. so i'm grieving now. for nate and david and claire and brenda and ruth and rico and every one else. go ahead, say it's just a tv show. the thing is, it just isn't.

dave, karen, me, and dan on top of mt. washington

my mom, me, and dan at cape lookout, oregon coast
(notice the hat...it's that amazing purple gray i was telling you about)

i am trying to pack up my room, and, as always seems to happen, i can't just toss my journals into a box without opening them. then the whole packing process gets delayed a few hours. then it gets delayed even more when i decide it's finally time to write a blog and share some of my accumulated wisdom from the last few years, as found in my journals.

when i was 19, the front of my journal was blank. it was the summer after my first year of college, the brutal second year after that. i was thirsty for God, and my journal was full of bible verses, prayer requests, praises, and quotes.

where am i going? how do i get there? you can say, 'i'm scared.' you can say, 'i don't know.' but you can't say, 'i won't go.'

we can trust God.

if you're gone, maybe it's time to go home
there's an awful lot of breathing room, but i can hardly move (matchbox 20)

God knows best.

you have been more faithful than the morning sun
you have been more faithful than knowing night will come
you have been more faithful than the changing of seasons (skillet)

above all, love each other deeply. (1 peter 4:8)

and i turned 20 three days early
when you said those words to me
and i grew up without a smile
i was forced to learn to say goodbye

time will open doors for you. (third day)

i feel guilty for how i feel.

and so God has arranged the seasons of our lives, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. he has made everything beautiful in its time. (ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 1 corinthians 12:18, ecclesiastes 3:11)

when i was 20 and 21, my journal was covered with quotes from ecclesiastes, reminding me that for everything, there is a time. i was a junior in college, and i was still thirsty for God. and then i started my senior year. my thirst for God was replaced with doubt.

be brave.

i don't need a boy to make me happy. i don't need a boy to make me happy. a boy won't make me happy. having a boy will not make me happy. a boy can't make me happy.

lord, you have my heart and i will search for yours
jesus, take my life, and lead me on
lord, you have my heart and i will search for yours
let me be to you, a sacrifice

and i will praise you, lord
and i will sing of love come down
and as you show your face
we'll see your glory here (worship song)

*to be continued*

questions of culture

a discman is nothing to be ashamed of ... is it?

is it wrong to shop at a store that sells Jesus adhesive bandages?

how many DIY books to i have to buy to actually get off my ass and do it myself?

if i buy a chai and donut from one starbucks, does that give me the right to use the bathroom at another two hours later?

walk, bike, T, bus, cab, or zipcar?

how many times can one copy of the metro be read by different T passengers before it's considered unsanitary?

your cabbie is mumbling in what seems to be a different language. is he talking to you, himself, or into an invisible cell phone?

how small does a dog have to be for it to stop being cute and start being creepy?

when should i walk confidently into the crosswalk in front of oncoming traffic to assert my rights as a pedestrian and when should i stay the crap out of the way to avoid being killed?

is it safe to purchase groceries at the dollar store?

how many television shows can you keep up with at once and not be considered a loser with no life?

how cute does an article of clothing have to be for you to pay full price for it at urban outfitters? bearing in mind this is where they sell the Jesus bandages?

i don't wanna

tomorrow i leave to go skiing/snowboarding for four days with my students and two other staff, our annual ski trip. i know what you're thinking...that sounds fun! yeah, it does. but i don't wanna go. you may recall a previous post of mine, "why i hate camping." well, that was the account of my last work trip. okay, it was camping, and it was raining, so obviously it was very different. this is going to be fun! this is going to be fun...(i'm trying to convince myself).

this happens to me sometimes. by "this" i mean, i have something fun coming up and i just don't want to do it. does that mean i'm depressed? this last wednesday, i had an interview for an internship i really, really want, and i was excited, but another part of me was dreading it. and during the interview, i felt so spacey, like i couldn't form my words and sentences right and truly engage with my interviewer. and i was so prepared, so early, so excited. yucky. i wanted it to be perfect.

so part of me is excited for the ski trip, too. but i'm more excited for the FIVE DAYS that i have off afterwards. i'm bringing along my sewing book so that hopefully, finally, when i get back, i can start sewing clothes. fashion designing, here i come. i guess i'll have to learn to build a second closet, too.

my work lately has been pushing me to levels of stress not felt by me in some time. it's not pretty. also when i get back, i've got to find myself a new counselor. and it needs to stop being winter, so i can ride my bike everywhere and wear flowy skirts and tank tops and be happy.

danny is coming over to make me dinner...eggplant parmesan, because i've never had eggplant. he's a really good cook. we also have to have a not-so-fun talk though, so i'm not looking forward to him coming over, either.

however, one amazing happy thing did happen to me the other day. i got a late birthday package from my friend sarah in the mail. sarah moved away, and i miss her dearly. the package was so amazing. so beautiful. the outside was covered in beautiful red fish paper, and when i carefully opened the box, i saw adorable star tissue paper held together by a big orange goldfish sticker. yay! under the paper were all kinds of treasures. a freaking adorable, so me purse, a mix cd covered in hearts, rainbox brite stickers, a paper source gift card, and a huge pack of collage paper. yeah sarah! and of course a very sweet card. i almost cried. it was lovely.

rainbow brite is very special to me, because i loved her when i was little, and i had a rainbow brite comforter and doll and other lovelies. but best of all, i was rainbow brite for halloween in preschool, my mom made me the costume, complete with arm-poofies. and there's this picture of me walking along the rainy sidewalk to preschool with my lovely costume on and my curly, white-blonde hair and big blue eyes. the great thing is, sarah didn't know any of that.

why must we be separated from some of our most special friends? speaking of these people, happy birthday, kari! i miss you. your own package of treasures is on the way.

learn, laugh, love

it is the first day of a brand new year. the slate is clean, the drawing board is empty, the cliches are flowing. during a late evening shower tonight, the resolutions that i debate making each year came to me as easily as the hot water flowing over me.

what i'd like to do this year (a non-comprehensive list in no particular order)

1. learn to make clothes on my sewing machine and learn as much about sewing as possible while doing as much sewing as possible
2. go rock collecting and dig beautiful treasures out of the ground
3. take a real vacation (hawaii?)
4. adopt a puppy if humanly possible
5. work with babies and toddlers
6. start watching six feet under from the beginning
7. learn to love reading the bible again
8. sing in public
9. read, read, READ
10. survive the winter (without depression and bike accidents)
11. paint my apartment fun colors, at least my room (bright blue?)
12. consolidate and streamline debt, possessions, etc.
13. turn 25 without having a quarter-life crisis
14. get closer to going to africa
15. learn, laugh and love (yes, i am so freaking cheesy that i think i created a theme for the year...i knew that holiday letter was the beginning of the end)
16. take fashion risks
17. write letters, send presents, make gifts
18. find a new therapist, preferably a christian
19. get super and/or magic powers (or at least read the last harry potter book which better come out this year!)

the sharp hint of tears

(written 12.30.06 somewhere over the united states. caution: may be overly sentimental)

i am starting to hate this. by this, i mean going back and forth between two places i love, and two groups of people i love. in one place, i have all the time in the world to explore the city and enjoy small moments with friends. in the other place, i am forced to create a strict schedule of visits, prioritize my loved ones, and repeat the same information again and again. i leave with a longing for more time, more little moments, more laughter and conversation and hugs. and some one is always sad, not only that i’m leaving, but because they didn’t get enough time with me. yes, it is amazing that i am loved and longed for by these people, and i am so thankful for them. but with every trip home, i feel a little more sad, a little more tired, and a little more far away.

it seems that my friends and family understand my love of food, particularly cheese, as they all made a special effort to have my favorite foods on hand during my visit. smoked turkey, chocolate chip cookies, beef stew, peanut m & m’s, cheez-its, donuts, and plenty of 2% milk at my dad’s house; hand-baked Mexican wedding cookies and oatmeal caramelitas, pepsi, chocolate, and tea at my mom’s; chocolate-chocolate chip cookies at my grandma’s; and warm, delicious soup at shanna’s and nicole’s. oh, and at every house, lots and lots of Tillamook cheddar cheese. the problem was, i am a small girl, and i can only eat so much. needless to say, i had to leave some of it behind. but i made sure to make room for the chocolate in my suitcase.

my mom took me to the airport this evening, and i went through the familiar motions of sticking my credit card into the e-ticket machine, checking my ridiculously heavy baggage, and preparing myself for the security scan. and then there’s the worst part…the goodbye. as i hugged my mom several times, i knew i had to walk away before i started bawling. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this. after successfully clearing security and re-dressing myself, i looked back through the maze of metal detectors, gates, and conveyor belts for my mommy. she was frantically waving, her arm lifted high so that I would see her. we blew kisses. i felt tears. i walked down the deserted terminal towards my gate, pausing to look out the dark window and cry. after take-off, i reached into my bag, took out the food she packed for me, and found a baggie of Tillamook cheese. as i tasted the familiar sharpness in my mouth, i again felt the prick of tears behind my eyes. who knew that cheese could make you cry?

just call me martha

stewart, that is. although sometimes (like every tuesday when my small group comes over) i can be a bit of a biblical martha as well. if you dont know the story, Jesus came over to her and her sister's house and she was bustling around being a good hostess and mary (her sister) was just chillin' with Jesus and this kinda ticked martha off, and she said something, and Jesus told her mary was doing the better thing.

so the reason i'm martha stewart is because i got all domesticated recently (i think it started with the sewing machine) and this led to me writing my first annual holiday letter. here it is, enjoy!

dear friends and family,

it’s that time of year again! time for my annual holiday letter! i know what you’re thinking…she doesn’t send out an annual holiday letter…well, this year, i’ve decided to start a new tradition. if my married friends can do it, why can’t i?

this past year has been full of exciting, fun, and challenging times which i shall now recount to you in all their glory. ah, i love holiday letters. in fall 2005, i moved across the country from Oregon to Boston, leaving throngs of mourners in my wake. while i continue to miss Oregon, i have fallen in love with my new city and love to spend time exploring it. i spent my first year here living with two girls my age in the suburb of Watertown, which unexpectedly has a river running through it (creative name, i know). i loved my huge, cheap apartment but hated the bus commute to work and the lack of creativity and nightlife that Watertown had to offer. so, in September, i moved into a smaller, more expensive apartment in Cambridge, just across the river from downtown Boston. Cambridge pulsates with creativity, diversity, and college students, and i pinch myself daily to make sure i really live in such an amazing place. i now live with two other girls my age, and we’re having lots of fun.

i continue to work with teenagers at Castle School, a residential school for high schoolers with emotional and behavioral issues. i absolutely love it. it’s like a second home and family, and i’ve got six teenage kids. i have a lot of fun with them, doing everything from helping prepare meals, to talking about their feelings, to hanging out and watching movies. i have also fallen in love with the school dog, Loki, an adorable, lazy chocolate lab, and i hope to get my own dog in the near future.

in august i started graduate school for art therapy at Lesley University in Cambridge. i will be going part time for three years, and, when i’m done, i’ll be a certified art therapist and licensed mental health counselor. i am learning soooo much, reading so many amazing books, and i’m required to make art about my feelings! it’s perfect.

another highlight of the year was selling my car, riding the bus all winter and spring, and then getting a “vintage” bike, then saying goodbye to it when i was told i was going to hurt myself or someone else if I kept riding it (geez, that lady at the bike shop was so overdramatic) and buying myself a beautiful, powder blue mountain bike. i outfitted my new bike with baskets and lights and it is now my primary mode of transportation.

this year i also joined a fabulous church here and an amazing small group of artists, some of whom have become my closest east coast friends. my best friend brian got married after proposing to his wife nicole in Boston, and i was a bridesmaid. my mom came to visit me, and i took two trips home. i serendipitously met another great friend on the bus, developed a love of diners, made an art studio in my room, and filled my closet with beautiful bargains from all over the city.

yes, it was a great year. of course i left out the long depressing winter and other not-so-happy moments, but they made the year meaningful, too. i hope each of you learned, loved, and laughed in 2006, and continue to do so in 2007. happy holidays!

right now

right now
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

well, actually, the last week of the semester. this was a final project for one of my art therapy classes. it's my favorite collage i've ever made, because it came together so perfectly and serendipitously.

as promised, i am posting it here since i talked about it in my last blog.

right now

wearing thermals, cozy in my bed (red top, grey bottoms)

new art work hanging next to me on my wall (my most recent collage, which i will post here shortly, and a magazine clipping poem)

the poem says: you can bring last year and your cupcake girl. our next artsy wish is to be two. i like the way it speaks to me.

finished with my first semester of grad school as of today!

in love with the idea of being able to not study and write papers in my free time, instead, since its Christmas, i can spend all week making and buying and giving gifts! and this year i actually have an art area and sewing machine to aid me in this process.

so in love with sewing. i want to sew everything, and i want to use gold thread for all of it. i'm obsessed with gold thread.

downloading songs i've been meaning to download, one by one, and then listening to them again and again (namely stacy's mom by fountains of wayne...try it, you'll like it!)

going home to oregon on saturday. bracing myself for big changes at work. taking the time to pray for friends. loving the mild winter so far. happy and blessed with friends and family on two coasts and every where in between.

stacy's mom has got it going on...she's all i want, and i've waited for so long...stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...i know it might be wrong, but i'm in love with stacy's mom!

special moments (parental discretion is advised)

usually, when i come home from work between 11 pm and midnight, i find my roomate lexy on the couch, cuddled up with her cats, watching TV. i have come to expect this, and it is somewhat comforting.

so, imagine my shock, when i open the door to a strange odor and muffled laughter...and see lexy, snuggling with a half-naked guy i've never seen before, while silmeltaneously realizing the illegal source of the distinctive odor.

"hi!" we all say, me, with false, high-pitched, awkward cheer, and them, with drunken joy. "we're drunk!" lexy announes happily, her fingers intertwined with skinny, pale, shirtless boy. you don't say!

"this is my friend, tony!" she shares, and we exchange pleasantries before i walk/jog towards my room as quickly as is polite.

i snatch the package my mom sent me today off the table, sit it on my bed, and happily rip off the wrapping. it's chock full of my christmas decor from home. i've been waiting for it so i could decorate my miniature charlie brown christmas tree. i guess that'll have to wait for another night.

"i think your cats like me," i can hear shirtless stranger say as i shut the door. i'm sure they do, tony. i'm sure they do.

***disclaimer***

any simularity between this short story and any actual people or events is entirely coincidental. if "lexy" asks you if i wrote this and published it online, the answer is obviously no. in fact, this whole thing never even happened.

my mom wants to know what i want for christmas

last year, i made an interactive list with links to websites of really expensive things i knew none of my friends and family could afford. this year, i'm too lazy, and really, what's the point? plus, i'm trying to be quick about this, because i actually got up semi-early today, and there's lots of fun (art and sewing) and not fun (laundry and bill paying) tasks i would like to accomplish.

my grown up christmas list 2

1. gift card to barnes and noble. this is my college book store and would be quite helpful come the start of the term.
2. gift cards to...anthropologie, PAPER SOURCE, old navy, the gap, amazon.com, target, joann fabrics, itunes, h & m, jcrew, ikea...
3. long underwear
4. books!
the trial of true love by william nicholson
postsecret (there are two, either one is fine)
the history of love by nicole krauss
extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer
found II
a new bible that is small and has some kind of clasp/closing device
quilt it kit by denyse schmidt
good, modern, sewing resource books (i don't want to make ugly curtains or shirts
with shoulder pads)
5. movies!
everything is illuminated
the shape of things
garden state
walk the line
the complete series of sex and the city (a girl can dream, right?)
6. renew my flickr pro subscription
7. a working polaroid camera and film (it doesn't have to be new)
8. world peace