right now

wearing thermals, cozy in my bed (red top, grey bottoms)

new art work hanging next to me on my wall (my most recent collage, which i will post here shortly, and a magazine clipping poem)

the poem says: you can bring last year and your cupcake girl. our next artsy wish is to be two. i like the way it speaks to me.

finished with my first semester of grad school as of today!

in love with the idea of being able to not study and write papers in my free time, instead, since its Christmas, i can spend all week making and buying and giving gifts! and this year i actually have an art area and sewing machine to aid me in this process.

so in love with sewing. i want to sew everything, and i want to use gold thread for all of it. i'm obsessed with gold thread.

downloading songs i've been meaning to download, one by one, and then listening to them again and again (namely stacy's mom by fountains of wayne...try it, you'll like it!)

going home to oregon on saturday. bracing myself for big changes at work. taking the time to pray for friends. loving the mild winter so far. happy and blessed with friends and family on two coasts and every where in between.

stacy's mom has got it going on...she's all i want, and i've waited for so long...stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...i know it might be wrong, but i'm in love with stacy's mom!

special moments (parental discretion is advised)

usually, when i come home from work between 11 pm and midnight, i find my roomate lexy on the couch, cuddled up with her cats, watching TV. i have come to expect this, and it is somewhat comforting.

so, imagine my shock, when i open the door to a strange odor and muffled laughter...and see lexy, snuggling with a half-naked guy i've never seen before, while silmeltaneously realizing the illegal source of the distinctive odor.

"hi!" we all say, me, with false, high-pitched, awkward cheer, and them, with drunken joy. "we're drunk!" lexy announes happily, her fingers intertwined with skinny, pale, shirtless boy. you don't say!

"this is my friend, tony!" she shares, and we exchange pleasantries before i walk/jog towards my room as quickly as is polite.

i snatch the package my mom sent me today off the table, sit it on my bed, and happily rip off the wrapping. it's chock full of my christmas decor from home. i've been waiting for it so i could decorate my miniature charlie brown christmas tree. i guess that'll have to wait for another night.

"i think your cats like me," i can hear shirtless stranger say as i shut the door. i'm sure they do, tony. i'm sure they do.

***disclaimer***

any simularity between this short story and any actual people or events is entirely coincidental. if "lexy" asks you if i wrote this and published it online, the answer is obviously no. in fact, this whole thing never even happened.

my mom wants to know what i want for christmas

last year, i made an interactive list with links to websites of really expensive things i knew none of my friends and family could afford. this year, i'm too lazy, and really, what's the point? plus, i'm trying to be quick about this, because i actually got up semi-early today, and there's lots of fun (art and sewing) and not fun (laundry and bill paying) tasks i would like to accomplish.

my grown up christmas list 2

1. gift card to barnes and noble. this is my college book store and would be quite helpful come the start of the term.
2. gift cards to...anthropologie, PAPER SOURCE, old navy, the gap, amazon.com, target, joann fabrics, itunes, h & m, jcrew, ikea...
3. long underwear
4. books!
the trial of true love by william nicholson
postsecret (there are two, either one is fine)
the history of love by nicole krauss
extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer
found II
a new bible that is small and has some kind of clasp/closing device
quilt it kit by denyse schmidt
good, modern, sewing resource books (i don't want to make ugly curtains or shirts
with shoulder pads)
5. movies!
everything is illuminated
the shape of things
garden state
walk the line
the complete series of sex and the city (a girl can dream, right?)
6. renew my flickr pro subscription
7. a working polaroid camera and film (it doesn't have to be new)
8. world peace

quirkyalone

quirky alone
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

was this book written about me?

a few months ago, i was in a bookstore with a couple of friends laughing at self-help book titles, when i saw a book that seemed to encapsulate me perfectly. it was called quirkyalone, and as you'll see by the above photo, the moment was captured on film.

a few days ago, i was in the library, as i've developed an interesting habit of checking out way more books, movies, and cd's than i can possibly read/watch/listen to in the allotted amount of time you get to keep them. they're just all so pretty! anyway, i came across quirkyalone again and i picked it up. and, keeping with my habit, i took it home.

i started browsing through it today and it's pretty hilarious. the whole idea is to give a label to people like me, people who don't settle for mediocre relationships and try to believe that relationships aren't the key to happiness. we are strong, unique, independent women! we are quirkyalone! the author (sasha cagen) explains why she chose to fuse those two words into one big, yummy word, and i love what she has to say about being quirky: "Perhaps truly quirky people are the ones who don't have the option of camouflaging their individuality: they're just uncontrollably themselves."

my old youth pastor once told me, "you're not like 90% of people." i think he was calling me quirkyalone!

there are many other funny things in this book. if you think you're quirkyalone (and dudes can be quirkyalone, too), you should check it out. oh, you can be quirkyalone and in a couple. that's called quirkytogether! yeah baby!

one of my favorite anecdotes from the book is a list of "deal breakers (absurd or not-so-absurd reasons not to go out with someone):

1. emoticons 2. lewd text messages 3. baby talk 4. perfume/cologne 5. phone on the belt 6. wears 'bad shoes' 7. wears glasses 'because they make me look smart' "

i just think it's so hilarious because i really do find phones on the belt to be such a turn-off. i dated this guy once who had that fabric tube thingy that goes around your neck to hold your sunglasses, and it was very difficult to find him attractive once i saw him sporting it. it's like, "i'm sorry, are you 11?" another turn off for me is people who sign their emails in the same annoying way every time...for example, "fondly, steve." or "in his grip, todd." or "keep smiling, alan." it's like, "i'm glad smiling is important to you, but there's no need to shove your beliefs down my throat, dammit!"

i really did know a guy who signed "in his grip." and his name was todd. another former youth pastor...hmmm...

http://quirkyalone.net/qa/peoplelikeus.php

the first snow

i've been a baaa-ahh-aad blogger. my apologies to all my faithful readers (kari). seriously, i've never not written for THIS long. i guess i will blame grad school. yes, indeed i will. you see, in grad school, there are no tests. which is a good thing, i suppose, except for the fact that i'm really good at tests. but there are lots of papers. that's okay, because i'm good at writing, too (i also have a huge head, but that's mainly because my hair is so thick). the point i'm trying to make is, i'm always writing papers. so the blog writing as suffered. in fact, i'm writing a paper right now. i'm just taking a break to write this.

i silmeltaneously (word i cant spell) love and hate writing papers. one of my favorite things i'm learning in grad school so far is the beauty of dichotomies. contrast. the fact that two seemingly opposite things (i love writing papers, i hate writing papers) can both be true at the same time. love is amazing. love is horrifying. you get the idea. i've always loved contrast, because one extreme makes the other extreme all the more potent and beautiful. so you can see why i love dichotomies.

yeah, grad school pretty much rules. i love learning. i know, i love a lot of things. i fall in love so easily, whether its with a person, a concept, or a freaking tv show (what is the appeal of deal or no deal? all i know is, on most fridays, i'd rather watch it and yell at the screen then go out). in grad school, they expose you to all kinds of amazing books and resources, then tell you to read more of them than is humanly possible. this is exhilirating and frustrating. in college, i was assigned a good chunk of reading, but most of it i didn't give a crap about, so who cared if i didn't have (okay, make) time to read it? but now, i want to read all of it! i want to soak it up, drink it in, devour every last syllable. 'cause it's so yummy! my favorite book i'm reading right now is a general theory of love. i picked it up in the school book store when i was only supposed to be buying my requried texts. but i couldn't resist! not only was it about love (so obviously my favorite subject) but it had an amazing cover design. two red wooden chairs, one leaning toward the other. i must have it! i said, and now i do, and it's the most freaking fascinating book i've read it awhile. the best part is, i can use it for one of my papers! aint love grand?

yeah, i'm obviously explosively babbling because i havent blogged in so long. it feels so good! but i should get back to that paper. today was (finally) the first snow. a full month and 4 days later than last year. it was more like slush, really, but who cares? the long cold winter is finally here, and i am strangely happy about it.

a child of 25

maybe the third time's a charm. the last two times i've attempted to post a blog, i've ended up writing things that were way too personal to publish on the internet. suffice it to say that i'm under somewhat of a dark cloud at the moment, and that can lead to some possibly alarming writing.

there is this girl at my work who has two boys pining for her affections. one of them has sent her flowers at least twice, and the newer one sent her flowers today. these flowers usually come with a teddy bear attached to the vase. today, without thinking first, i looked at the teddy bear, looked at her, and said, "so, do you have a collection of these somewhere?" oops. luckily she took it fairly well. i guess all that censoring myself has to seep out somewhere.

on the bright side, i do have a current favorite song. i finally got the last kiss soundtrack, and now i am obsessed, and i mean completely and totally obsessed, with the song chocolate by snow patrol. i think i've listened to it at least six times today. before this, it was how to save a life by the fray, which has unexpectedly been bumped into second place on the countdown. this might have something to do with the fact that i cant listen to it without crying, another unexpected development. this is kind of a problem, seeing how much radio play that damn song gets.

if you see the last kiss (which you should, half nelson is also very good, i saw it the other night) you'll realize how perfectly this song encapsulates the film. it also happens to encapsulate some of myself at the moment, and some of what i wish somebody else could be.

chocolate by snow patrol

this could be the very minute
i'm aware i'm alive
all these places feel like home

with i'd never chosen
i can make my first steps
as a child of 25

this is the straw, final straw in the
roof of my mouth as i lie to you
just because i'm sorry doesn't mean
i didn't enjoy it at the time

you're the only thing that i love
it scares me more every day
on my knees i think clearer

goodness knows i saw it coming
or at least i'll claim i did
but in truth i'm lost for words

what have i done it's too late for that
what have i become truth is nothing yet
a simple mistake starts the hardest time
i promise i'll do anything you ask...this time

ladies eighties

tonight was one of those good nights. i think i've started several blogs with that line, and that is something to be thankful for. my good friend karen came over and we went out looking for fun in central square. we tried a few familiar clubs and then landed at the faithful phoenix landing (ha ha, we landed...) where the chalkboard outside simply sad, "ladies 80s." we asked the bouncer what that meant, exactly, and he said, "like cyndi lauper." bam, we were in, and as a bonus, he let us in free. suddenly we felt so exclusive, and we headed through the bar back to bathroom, and i waited while karen took care of her business. the bathroom was a surprisingly fascinating place. there was the usual condom/tampon vending machine and almost completely useless wimpy hand dryer, and then there were all these advertisements. one was full of fun facts, from which i learned that around 2500 left-handed people die every year from accidents involving tools made for right-handed people. this made me laugh. then it was back out into the bar to impatiently wait for the dj to start pumping out the ladies of the eighties. we almost left, but i'm so glad we didn't, because the next thing we knew, the music was thumping and the dance floor was ours. finally, unlike so many other nights out dancing, it was all about the music and the moves, and i was only semi-distracted by scanning the bar for eligible hotties. we rocked out to "girls just want to have fun" and did a dramatic interpretation of "thriller" (turns out the theme was fairly loose, as we learned when the dj tossed in some gnarls barkley, neither ladies nor eighties). the highlight of the night was a toss up between "i think we're alone now", complete with heart beating motions and passionate singing, and "shoop", where our sultry moves turned the heads of the male wallflowers. we left while we were on top, and burst out into the cold street singing the song we left behind. sometimes, you don't have to plan your friday night, or give in to the pressure to try and have a good time. you can simply go out and let a good time find you, look for some cyndi lauper and be the first one on the dance floor.

the hardest thing and the right thing

turns out i'm a lot stronger than i originally thought. turns out that a lot of shit i thought i had figured out about myself, i don't. turns out that on rare occasions, when i know what i really need to do, i actually do it.

i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.

this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.

romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.

go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.

every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...

and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless

every one knows i'm in over my head

step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

one year

sometimes i'm listening to songs and i love the lyrics, even though they don't describe my life right now. perhaps they describe something i've experienced in the past, and i'm amazed at how well the words of someone else capture my former feelings. ben harper does that for me pretty often.

yes indeed, i'm alone again
and here comes the emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
'cause i've been with witches
and i've been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

i spent the last three days moving, and most of that pretending that i need a lot less help to move than i actually do. lots of times i think i can do things by myself that i really can't. luckily i have friends who know this, and they were there for me. so now all of my stuff is in my lovely new apartment, and i am beginning my second year in boston! unbelievable. i still feel new. like many other times in my life, this year seems to have flown by, but when i look back at individual months and days, some of them seemed so long and painful. those another lonely days. the last few months have been pretty splendid, and they passed too fast.

i am surrounded by a huge mess of my belongings. i have two papers due tomorrow that need significant work, and a small group to lead tomorrow night. and all i want to do is lay around on my bed and hang out with dan. i'd also like to have a couch, so that i could lay around in the living room, but i suppose that will come soon enough. maybe we can build one out of all of our empty boxes. we certainly have plenty of those. i'd also like a little money so i could go to see a movie and the independent movie theater that is steps from my house. yes, i love my new neighborhood. i am also a five minute walk from my favorite vintage clothing store, and a five minute bike ride to my work! no more bus for me! but i will always look back on the bus fondly, the long lonely days i spent riding it, and the rare beautiful moments connecting with strangers who became friends. yes, 71, you were good to me.

in the course of twenty crowded years
one parts with many illusions.
i did not wish to lose the early ones.
some memories are realities,
and are better than anything
that can ever happen to one again.

willa cather

suddenly i see

the title of this blog is not only the title of one of my current fave songs (kt tunstall rules, check her out) but it is also the perfect summation of how i feel. suddenly, i get it. or at least i get something. i get why i really want to take it slow with some one, to stop being so physical with guys, why the risk of loving someone is worth it.

i have had an absolutely amazing three days. late night walks and talks, summer romance on the grass, experiencing feelings i've never felt before. talking with strangers who make macreme in the subway station, and playing with little puppies. devouring books about art therapy with zest and motivation, and absolutely, 100% being in love with the place i live and the people i know here. and best of all, laying it all out there, being completely honest and having someone be completely honest with me, meeting someone i can be my whole crazy self around, and they actually find it adorable. to record the feelings, images, and conversations of the last three days would take forever, but the way i feel after them can be put very simply: suddenly, i see.

art can be said to be -- and can be used as -- the externalized map of our interior self. peter london

art is the meeting ground of the world inside and the world outside. elinor ulman

to paint what we see before us is a different art than painting what we see within us. carl jung

art is a way of knowing what we actually believe. pat b. allen

how do i show
all the love
inside my heart

well this is all new
and i'm feeling my way through the dark kt tunstall

suddenly i see
this is who i wanna be
suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me kt tunstall

when you least expect it

i love boston because of the people i meet here. tonight, after an exhausting shift full of more "my life is hopeless" conversations with teenagers (i think i've had one of those with almost all of the kids at my school in the last few weeks)i settled onto my familiar bench in my familiar bus station in harvard square, to wait for my familiar bus. as usual, i am too tired to read from my "introduction to therapeutic counseling" textbook, too tired to do anything else but slouch and wait for my bus. like many other nights, a guy came and sat next to me. but this guy was different.

we started talking because he thought he smashed his new CD when he sat down, and i was being my polite, friendly, oregonian self and helping him assess the damage. suddenly we were like old friends, chatting and laughing, the words coming easily. i forgot that i was waiting for the bus, forgot that i hadn't known this guy five minutes before. i told i really wanted a bike but i was too poor so i needed a free one and i didn't care what kind it was or what it looked like as long as it was functional. we got on the bus together, still chatting, and he sat down near me and said, "i'm going to find you a bike."

"come sit by me," i said, because it was ridiculous to pretend that we didn't want to be sitting together, talking. so he did. and he asked me the question he asks every one he meets from oregon, something about walking by rivers and finding turquoise. i asked if he had a question for people from every state and he said he thought he did, and i said, "ohio." and sure enough, he had a question and a great, quirky story to go with it. he was asking me to meet him for coffee before he was asking my name, and we shook hands.

"my stop is coming up" i said, and he said, "so is mine." and then we discovered we had the same stop (he said his first, so that elevated my fears of creepiness) and we both laughed because this whole thing was just so crazy, and we got off the bus together and talked and laughed and gave each other nicknames even though we'd just met. and we exchanged numbers and made plans to go see the band who's CD he thought he'd broken when he sat down next to me in the first place.

"wicked nice meeting you" he said, in true boston fashion. "i'm going to find you a bike, liz."

i walked down my street, trying to figure out if i was awake or dreaming. who knows, maybe he's crazy, or gay, or an atheist, but he's super fun and our meeting was so serendipitous. things like this don't happen every day, or every year for that matter. at the very least, it's certainly worth documenting. and at the most? we shall see.

for kari

kari needs something to read, so here goes. i will say, i would love to read something new on kari's blog as well...

sometimes my life really does feel like a tv show. like when i get into a staged bar brawl and end up meeting a hot guy who actually calls me and actually takes me out on a real date. or when my housing situation turns into a total nightmare and i lose two third roomates named sara(h) and i finally find a place with my third third roomate but i lose my dream apartment in the process and end up spewing all my frustrations onto the poor workers at the apartment rental office in a very candid and almost rude way. or (and this is the best one) when i spend all my free time playing scrabble with my friend dan and then my friend sarah asks me if i want this giant scrabble rug with giant scrabble pieces that you can actually play on and i say "yes, yes, oh my goodness, i cant wait to show danny!"

my amazing friend sarah is letting me borrow this amazing book called the art of looking sideways. here are some lovelies i have found in it's pages...

i work with things left over from other things. (julian schnabel) this is so my new artist's statement.

an idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. (don marquis) hmmm...

question: where do you get your ideas?
answer: i don't. they get me!

the person you love is 72.8% water. i guess that means i love water.

the negative is the score but the print is the performance. (ansel adams) i love photography.

there are many more lovelies in the book but it is heavy and my first engagement of the day is calling. i guess that means i have to get out of bed, which is sad and tragic. i guess that also means i have to change out of my new pink pajama pants with little puppies dressed in cute little outfits all over them, which is also tragic. why can't i go out in public like this? soon i will have a puppy! i cant wait.

the truth is beautiful

if you can be honest
i can be too
if you take the first step
i'll follow you through

child don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it will heal the wounds it makes

you've been decieved to think
that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it will give more than it takes

honest, kendall payne

tonight i transferred some of my old mp3's from college onto my laptop and now i'm listening to some of my favorite forgotten songs, such as the one above. those words are definitely a part of my life philosophy, my mantra if you will.

i spent the day apartment hunting, which has quickly become my absolute least favorite thing to do. it's so much easier in oregon, where they have these amazing things called apartment complexes. yes, they are corporate and cookie-cutter and have no history, but they are all in one place, easy to access, with plenty of parking and reasonable rent rates. such is not the case in boston. in boston, apartments are mostly floors of houses or rooms in large old buildings. yes, you can find restored victorian greatness, but mostly you will find ghetto unsanitary crap. at least in my price range. you drive all over town (if you're lucky, otherwise you walk) becoming more and more discouraged with every dump you see and by the end of the day you're so sick from too much apartment that even if you saw the apartment of your dreams, you'd hate it because you're so exhausted and cranky.

being patient is so hard. trusting God is so hard. doing the right thing is so hard. staying on the right path is so hard. believing that i'm not alone is so hard. but when i can manage these things, when God helps me to do so, it is also so beautiful. and the mistakes that fill up the space between these rare moments are beautiful, too.

the greenest trees you'll ever see
are the ones in your mind
and all the answers and the dreams
will come to you in time

you are living life
you are living life
you are living life
the way you feel

and that is real

living life, ben kweller (a new favorite)

my hands

when our shoulders touch
it’s all I can do
to stop my hands
from reaching for you

I don’t know how
to take it slow
to deal with
the not knowing

I’m fragile
I want you
do you want me
too?

I guess for now
i’ll try and sleep
I’ll try and pray
and I’ll sit
on my hands

remember when...

remember when the absolute best thing you could think of to do on a friday night was go clothes shopping with your mom?

and when you used to think that you'd be married with kids by the age that she was married with kids?

and life was simpler?

remember back to before you realized that yearning and pain are a part of the human condition?

and that sometimes, when people seem to good to be true

they are

or, they are taken away from you too soon?

remember when you didn't have to put on tight jeans, a sexy top, and heels to attract a boy?

and you were still young enough to say exactly what you thought

right when you thought it?

remember when you realized that all the people you loved

would never, ever

all be in the same place
at the same time
with you?

the first time you felt loss
the first time you felt love

the first time you felt pain
and knew you would feel it again

i do.

why i hate camping

everything is a pain in the ass when you're camping. EVERYTHING. even simple tasks, like brushing your teeth or putting on clean socks, become a difficult challenge. for the last few years, i have felt an unspoken pressure to love camping, to yearn to go hiking, to want to spend all my free time exploring the great outdoors. don't get me wrong, nature is beautiful. maybe this pressure comes from being from oregon, or from dating eagle scouts and guys who got very exicited about cramp-ons and head lamps...i'm not sure. but this week i finally admitted it to myself...i am not outdoorsy. i do not like camping. it boggles my mind why one would leave the comfort of their home and go outside and sleep on the hard ground and make everything so hard for themselves. okay, fine, i know why they do it, but that doesn't mean i have to want to do it, too. it's okay not to love camping. it's okay to be happiest when i'm in my bed, with my laptop, eating life cereal, and enjoying nature through my window.

this past week i spent four days camping in new hampshire with my work. four days, forty mosquito bites. no joke. i feel like i have the chicken pox and i need to duct tape oven mitts to my hands so i wont scratch.

i am going home TOMORROW! i cant believe it. brian and nicole are getting married in ONE WEEK! surreal, i am sure even more so for them. i am so excited to go home. i can't believe how long i've been waiting for this. a year ago i was here in boston visting, trying to decide if i wanted to live and work here, and falling in love with this city. and now it is my city, and God has given me an amazing job, amazing friends, and i'm fairly happy most of the time. i don't mean that to sound negative, but a year ago, even a few months ago, i was fairly unhappy most of the time. so this is progress.

i have fallen in love with another band, the kings of convenience. their cd that i've been listening to is called "quiet is the new loud." i like that. i like it when things are convenient. things are very inconvenient when you're camping.

things seem so much better when they're not a part of your close surroundings. like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance. possibilities and sweeter dreams, sights and sounds calling from far away. the kings of convenience

what's next?

what's next?
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

no kisses and no popsicles

i'm so sick bored lonely hungry tired achy anxious. no, i did not wake up healed the other morning, and i've been sleeping so much the last few days that i'm not really sure who i am, let alone what day it is. i am sure of one thing: there are many fun things you can do online, such as create maps of where you have been in the united states:



create your own visited states map

and the world:



create your own visited countries map

as you can see, the world one is pretty sad, and i clearly have something against the south in general. i could have cheated and counted states who's airports i have been in, but i did not. the road trip helped a lot. here is a (non-exhaustive) list of states and countries i would like to visit:

1. hawaii
2. california again
3. new zealand
4. australia
5. ireland
6. switzerland
7. france
8. maine (just so i can finish that corner)
9. colorado again
10. africa (yes, i know that is broad)
11. england again
12. italy again
13. canada
14. any and all tropical islands

i am so bored. yet so exhausted. and i really need some food, but i don't have a car and i barely had the energy to get out of bed, walk to the couch, and watch never been kissed this morning. if i can hardly do that, how am i going to go to the store? i wish i had magic powers and i wish i had popsicles. my throat hurts. the funny thing is, since the last time i watched never been kissed, gaucho pants came into style.

kari, i want to see your maps. i am sure they are very red, and getting redder every day! not every one can make being a park ranger look cool! just remember that.

every one else, if you're reading this, S.O.S! i need popsicles. thank you.

a prospect and a half

sometimes, all i really have is a title, a title i don't intend to explain. but for the sake of my readers (which are many) i will attempt to think of something else to say.

i left work early this evening as i am feeling under the weather. i just swallowed a couple of nyquil in the hopes that i will fall into a deep sleep and wake up miraculously healed in the morning and ready to head back to work. we shall see.

i am going home in about two weeks! i am sooo excited. i shall hold "my" babies, i shall be a beautiful bridesmaid (but not more beautiful than the bride, of course), and i shall have good times with friends and the fam.

but what to do when i return? that is the question that is currently plagueing me. see, i got into grad school for art therapy, and this is all very exciting and congratulations to me and all that jazz, but now i'm not sure if i should go. i have determined in the last few days through reflection and prayer that i do indeed WANT to go, which is good, but i am not sure if God has something better in mind. my friends prayed for me at small group, which was very nice, but one of their prayers made me think YES to grad school, and the other made me think NO. the first one said something along the lines of "it's a risk not to take a risk." now which is more of a risk? grad school or no grad school? i used to think it was the former but now i think it's the latter and i am confused and i need a sign from God. a clear sign. you know, a YES or NO written in the sky kind of sign. again, we shall see.

the other night i was worrying outloud in a simular, over-analytical fashion about a new man in my life, and i was working myself into quite a frenzy, and my male friend said, "i'm so glad i'm a guy." i was jealous, very jealous, just as i have been ever since i first learned that males can shut off their thoughts and enjoy a mental peace that i can only dream of.

speaking of dreams, i think the nyquil is starting to do the trick. as i sometimes say to God before i go to sleep, thank you, good night.

paranoia

paranoia
Originally uploaded by lizzy poo.

this is me in my room. yipee.

the sound of silence

a week ago i was walking to catch the bus and my ipod somehow slipped out of my pocket. it took me about 30 seconds to realize this, and during that time, somebody snatched it. i searched and searched in the pouring rain, going through two pairs of jeans, but to no avail. had i written about this then, you would have gotten the whole over-dramatic sob story, but it's been a week and i've finally accepted it.

we spend so much time waiting when we should be experiencing. so much time sleeping when we should be creating artistic masterpieces. so much time questioning, worrying, and agonizing. i'm trying to work on patience, the kind of patience that doesn't cease to experience during the waiting. this is hard. why is it so hard to convince myself that i have so much to be thankful for, that God has given me an amazing life? why do we spend so much time looking ahead to what we do not yet have and so little enjoying what we do?

okay, enough deep thoughts. let's talk about men. i'm trying to phase the word "men" into my vocabulary and phase out the words "boys" and "guys." this is because what i am looking for is a man, not an immature boy or an ambivilant guy. i figure any guy my age or older that i'm interested in should at least be given the benefit of the doubt about being a man. like innocent until proven guilty, my prospects shall be man until proven boy or guy.

all this to say, i met a man, and i think and i like him, and i hate waiting to see what will happen. i hate wondering when the next time i'll see him will be, and wondering what his opinion of me is. wondering if he's spending time with other girls, or i guess i should say women. funny. if i'm going to use the word man, i guess that means i have to call myself a woman. i do this plenty in my head, but outloud? perhaps the time has come.

last night i saw the movie about al gore and global warming, an inconvienent truth. holy moley, it was scary. i highly recommend that if you care about the planet at all, you go see it. and stop driving. and if all else fails, move to higher ground, so that when greenland breaks up and the oceans rise 20 feet, you'll be safe. at least for a few more years.

www.climatecrisis.net

travel chocolate

i made a new friend yesterday. his name is donald. he introduced me to a concept that i will surely carry with me for life: travel chocolate. you carry it around with you so that when you (or your travel companion) start getting hungry and cranky, you can whip it out and avert a crisis. even though we were just walking around central square, we got some travel chocolate. if you know me, you know i love chocolate, and any excuse to carry some with me is the best idea i've ever heard.

i'm so sleepy. today i'm going to dog sit my friend's dog, parisol. she is a boston bull terrier mix. this little exercise will theoretically help me decide if i really want to get a dog or not. i'm excited, because she is freaking adorable, but i'm worried that after today i won't want my own little doggie anymore.

last night i left work at 11:40 pm. i got to the bus station at midnight. the bus always takes about a year to come on sunday nights, so i settled in with my ipod to watch lost. i made it through an entire episode. i started another one. i was fading into exhaustion and frustration. soon it was almost 1 am. i started getting angry, having visions of myself calling the mbta and forcing them to pay for my cab fare that i was about to have to shell out. the bus showed up at 1:15 am. riding home, i felt less angry about it than usual. it was refreshing. earlier in the day, i had prayed that God would give his spirit, especially the fruits of his spirit. the patience and peace i was feeling certainly wasn't from me.

every minute that passes i think of another person i'm going to see that i don't want to talk to.
my friend, while waiting to leave for a college friend's birthday party

sharing umbrellas

it won't stop raining in boston. i don't get it. apparently it was almost 100 degrees yesterday in oregon. what is going on here, people? i did not sign up for this. i have cute new summer shoes and skirts and i want to wear them! i do not want to keep re-getting out my winter coats! first the winter lasts half the year, and now this!

every where i look i see couples. couples, couples, couples. snuggling on the bus. chatting it up on the subway. shopping for trendy clothes together at urban outfitters, hands intertwined. sharing umbrellas in harvard square. i try not to hate them, but sometimes i do. why do we hate people who we want to be?

there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of adorable indie semi-tatooed guys in cambridge. i see them every day. isn't there one for me?

24 hour snapshot

10 pm, friday: just finished seeing blue man group with my school. freaking awesome! the best part was one of my students sitting next to me, a girl who is normally quite depressed, screaming with joy at the top of her lungs.

11 pm: out with my amazing new girl friends at the asgard in central square.

12 am: we are having a candid conversation about sex, relationships, and christian boys. i can't help but compare us to the sex and the city girls. especially since i'm wearing an outfit that has made me feel like carrie bradshaw all day.

1 am: heading home with sara, still talking about boys.

2 am - 8 am: sleeping

8 am: walking to the bus like a zombie, wearing three different pink patterns and feeling damn good about it.

9 am: arrive at work, discover the latest act of teenage defiance

10 am-4 pm: at work, dealing with the drama, trying helplessly to speak logic to hopeless teenage boys. exhausted and blowing my nose non-stop. discovering that claritin doesn't work on new england allergies.

4 pm: back on the bus, listening to music, tapping my pink shoes, drifting off to sleep...

5 pm-9 pm: napping

9 pm: eating ice cream, wasting time on the internet, trying to drudge up the motivation to clean the bomb of crap that is my room. instead, i stay in bed where it is safe.

10 pm: blogging it up. time to call my mommy.

melancholy: illuminated

everything is illuminated in the light of the past jonathan safran foer

if you haven't seen the movie everything is illuminated, please go do it right now. and if you still believe in love at all, but feel a bit jaded, you should watch walk the line after that. then listen to the new amsterdams. trust me, this is the formula for happiness.

yesterday i made art on the floor a la sabrina ward harrison with my new wonderful friend sarah. sabrina just came out with this journal, partially illustrated by her, that you can add your own words and images to. sarah and i are doing it together.

on saturday night i met a bunch of my friends from work who were all out drinking. by the time i got there they were all pretty wasted, and they were ridiculously excited to see me. it was pretty hilarious.

my best friend brian is taking his future wife nicole on a honeymoon to italy. apparently he told me this was a surprise. i obviously wasn't listening if he did because a few days ago i sent her an email that said, among other things, "i'm so excited for you to go to italy! you'll love it!" they had a good laugh. i didn't really think it was funny. oops.

in two months i am going home to oregon for a week. a month or two or three ago i really didn't think i could make it until july. i have been in boston for 8 months, and in july it will have been 10, and 6 months since i've been home. i should get some sort of medal. even if i don't, i'm really proud of myself.

on friday i went to the circus for the first time in my life. it was amazing. people were flying everywhere, catching each other while dogs did the can-can on their hind legs. i watched in awe and horror, stuffing cotton candy into my gaping mouth. i realized if i ever want to fly like i do in my dreams, i'm going to have to join the circus.

do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? (who else?) the new amsterdams

thwarted...again!

for the past few months, i have had a secret (and then not-so-secret) crush on an adorable boy with shocking red hair who works at the video store. every sunday at work, we rent a movie. every sunday, i see steven. we smile. we talk. i leave, grinning.

today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.

i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.

i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.

i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.

i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.

i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.

"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.

"i would..."

but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?

"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."

it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.

"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.

i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.

i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.

no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin

4 33 26

lately i have been thinking about love/hate relationships, and the things i do that i really don't want to do/the things i don't do that i really want to do. i get these ideas in my head for collages, beautiful, inspiring collages, but i don't sit down and make them. instead i take long naps. i sleep in, and i find excuses. i want to sing in a band, to write songs about all the ways my heart is wrenched every day, but i don't. i think i'm not good enough, my words not original enough. and then there are the mistakes i make, the ones i know i should stop making, the behaviors i ultimately hate, but that part of me loves. life is full of so much contradiction, and so little balance.

i am officially a stylish city dweller as of last tuesday. i got an ipod. i remember when ipods were just out of my reach, and it was one of those things i wanted but never thought i'd really be able to get. thanks to the wonder of credit cards, that dream is now a reality. the best thing about my lovely white ipod (which perfectly matches my lovely white ibook) is that i bought a rainbow of little ipod crew socks to go with it. yes, i know, there are a lot of "i"s in this paragraph, a lot of "i"s in my heart, but i have a whole rationale about my new apple electronics that i will spare you, just know that it puts me at peace and doesn't make me feel so i-centered.

tonight i was riding the bus through cambridge, listening to matt nathanson on my ipod, which was wearing the lime green crew sock today, and it hit me. i can't freaking believe i live here. cambridge is the most amazing, surprising, eclectic, artistic city, and it is my city. i broke into a huge, ridiculous grin right there on the bus at 12:30 am and i asked God to help me remember what a gift it is to live here. almost four years ago, i visited boston to see my friend jen, and we took the t to cambridge, over a then unfamiliar bridge, to visit harvard. i was captivated by this town. it seemed like the kind of place i would love to live, but never would, a dream just out of my reach. as it turns out, sometimes the things we long for actually come true.

show me how pretty the world is...

tell me does the world revolve the same?
tell me do the people all take care of you
did you doubt the curve of the earth?

i'm covered by lovers
who recite lines
convinced that their bodies
are gonna save mine
but you don't know me at all

show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where the rain gets in
and i'll show you hurricanes
and the way that summer fades
underneath the weight of it all

show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
matt nathanson

you can ask me what the numbers mean, but i can't promise i'll tell you.

the whole truth and nothing but?

i have encountered some people recently (don't worry, i'm not talking about any of you, i don't give my blog address to jerks) who think that as long as they are saying what they believe to be the truth, it doesn't matter how they say it, or if it's rude. it's the truth, dammit, and they are going to share it with no regard for the emotional consequences. and the worst part is, when you try and share with them how it made you feel, they just don't get it. how could the truth be rude? how could what i think not be the truth? how could i have come to the wrong conclusions?

i think i used to think a little like them, i'm ashamed to say. i have a big mouth, and i have an extremely hard time keeping information to myself, so i think i have to tell everyone everything. but i am discovering the joy of keeping some choice morsels to myself, or only sharing them with one person. i'm learning that sometimes not sharing is the best idea, and it can feel much more powerful than vomiting out all of your deepest thoughts and secrets. strangely enough, it's harder for me to hold back then to it is for me to go for it. at least in some areas of my life.

i'm acquiring a lovely collection of music on my lovely white computer. i like putting itunes on random and letting the soundtrack flow. here are some lyrics have been grabbing at my heart lately...

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time... death cab for cutie

nothing hurts when i go to sleep... ben folds

not talking about a year, or maybe three or four
i don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore
forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends... ben harper

chipped red nail polish

i've had a rough couple of days.

first, i went out dancing on thursday night. that was great, and the only reason i mention it here is because when i dance like that, i exhaust myself.

so friday, i was exhausted. i was riding the bus when my friend called, and he wanted to talk about something kind of difficult. since i have manners (unlike some of the other people i ride the bus with) i did not have the conversation on the bus. instead i had to postpone it until the next night, which annoyed me to say the least.

work on friday night was crazy. one of our girls was really acting up, and i knew it was only going to continue to escalate on saturday, and i had to be back at work at 8:30 that morning. unfortunately i was right and i had to call the police due to her behavior. it was a little scary.

so saturday night, i was too exhausted to go out. so i napped and waited for the awkward phone call. it came around midnight. afterwards, i had a hard time going to sleep.

while walking to church this morning, i was congratulating myself on only being 15 minutes late. then i looked at my cell phone. as if by some evil black magic, the time had changed, and suddenly i was an hour and 15 minutes late. then it hit me like a ton of bricks (i love cliche metaphors). i had forgotten about stupid daylight savings time, just like i'd predicted i would.

so i missed the entire service. i loitered around the lobby looking for friends, located some, and spent a nice, quirky afternoon with them. we had a dollar store gift exchange. i got a loofah.

then it was back to work, where i recieved the rudest email i have ever read in my entire life. that was unpleasant, to say the least. then, to top it all off, i was sitting on the office floor and the nastiest bug i've seen in awhile (it was kind of see-through and had about a hundred legs) went scurrying by me. i attempted to smash it with my shoe while screaming, then didn't see it on the bottom of my shoe, then saw it on the side of my shoe and kicked my shoe off across the room, which landed on my bag, making me think the bug body was now in my bag. i conducted a thorough search and i never found the body. excellent.

a little fyi for all the male life of liz blog readers: women do not want to know the name of the other woman. the one you left us for, the one you dated before us, the one you like more than us. we would prefer her to remain a nameless, faceless entity. and she doesn't want to know our name, either.

those are ridiculously surprising shoes. my friend john, when he looked down and noticed my gold ballet flats in church today

surprise!

surprise!

like a thief in the night
you left me
sobbing, crying
in rows of target bathing suits
motorcycle drive by
all alone

ribs ripped open
heart exposed
beating, throbbing
i want to hurt
in any way but this
but underneath your black
get up kids t, it is
still steady

singing, painting
suddenly
you return
to the scene of the crime
orange sweater and fall out boy
do me a favor
and give me a little warning
next time

patterns

in the last six months, i have met and briefly dated two guys who were moving back to California.

once i start watching an episode of a crime drama or a reality show, i can't stop til the end.

since moving to boston, i have been in two car accidents, gotten one ticket, and been towed once, and bent my axle sliding into a curb in the snow.

my last two boyfriends were named matt.

even numbers from 0 to 10: i was born on 2.2.82. i graduated high school on 6.2.2000. i turned 20 on 02.02.2002. i am now 24.

i cant stop listening to the song "from california" by the new amsterdams.

i tend to naughty things when i go out dancing.

the only part of the paper i read is the living/arts section, aka the 'sidekick' in the boston globe.

my serious crushes from my junior year of high school through my sophomore year of college all had three-letter names (cam, jon, tim).

i'm obsessed with taking pictures of grafitti and stickers.

whenever i see something potentially interesting on the ground, i pick it up. if it is indeed interesting, i keep it. if not, i put it back where i found it.

if a song hurts my heart, i listen to it again and again. i like sad songs.

i stay up too late and hate getting out of my bed.

i have a chronic tardiness problem.

i buy cheap, super trendy flats from payless that i think are ugly two months later.

whenever i see a baby or toddler, i squeal, stare, and make funny faces at it.

when i get off work at midnight, i call my best friend brian to shoot the breeze. it's only 9 pm in oregon.

my 100th post!

i made a mistake when i sold my car. i know that now, in every fiber of my being. i know it when it takes me an hour and a half to get to a friend's house that lives two towns over. i know it when i wait 30 minutes for the bus in freezing temperatures. i know it when i cant escape the crappy music coming out of a fellow passengers ipod who clearly has hearing damage. i know it when i have to listen to a stranger shout about her ovaries into her cell phone. i know it when it takes me an hour to get to work and it used to take me ten minutes. and most of all, i know it when i lose my $71 bus and subway pass a week before the month is over and i have to walk twenty minutes to the bus station at midnight to wait for the bus that is coming who knows when and i get hit on by an extremely creepy guy with bad breath. it's 12:15 am. i've been working for 8 hours and i'm tired. i'm sitting on a cement bench in the bus tunnel of harvard station, reading my abnormal psychology textbook, minding my own sleepy business, when a lanky, poorly dressed fellow approaches and asks for the time. i tell him. he introduces himself, i oblige and tell him my name. "liz is my favorite name," he tells me, as if i am somehow supposed to believe him. "you have pretty hair," he continues, telling me the number one thing i get told by creepy strangers on public transportation. he sits down next to me. too close next to me. he smells. i try to be nice, yet send a clear signal. "i work at legal seafoods," he volunteers. "i don't like seafood, " i reply, and attempt to go on reading about the three different types of suicide according to the sociocultural model. it doesn't work. he keeps talking. and i keep silently pleading for my bus to come, for his bus to come, for him to go away. finally, his bus comes, and he goes in for the handshake, and the inevitable question: "do you have a boyfriend?" "yes," i reply. his name is mr. right. and when he shows up, he's going to kick your ass.

spring?

yesterday i was looking at my calendar and i noticed it said "first day of spring." i laughed out loud. i am sorry, but when it is 30 degrees outside and i still have to wear long johns under my pants, it is not spring. then i was looking at plane tickets, and i discovered it was 54 degrees in oregon yesterday! 54 beautiful, warm degrees! i take back what i said about oregon not having a mild climate anymore. that was before i moved to boston, where winter lasts for at least five months! i cant take it anymore, i tell you!

so i'm walking to the bus this morning, running late for class of course, and i notice it feels a hair warmer. we're talking two degrees here, but it's something. and the sky is a brillant shade of blue. the pink lenses on my sunglasses make it even bluer, but now i'm splitting hairs. but then, even though i was hauling down the street, i noticed something i couldnt make an excuse for: poking up out of the dirt behind someone's chain link fence, were crocuses! little, erupting flower buds, chirping at me that spring is here. the deadness of winter is finally ending.

confessions of a loser

it's saturday night in a very happening city. how did i spend it, you might ask? well, in the spirit of openess and honesty, and in the hope that there are other losers reading this who might feel better about themselves after realizing that ultra cool people such as myself are actually total losers as well...

i spent tonight at home. alone. watching the cutting edge on the abc family channel. now that in itself isn't so bad. the cutting edge is a classic 90's flick, and i see nothing wrong with embracing my love of the 90's and figure skating, as well as cheesy, predictable romantic movies every once in awhile. maybe preferably on, say, a tuesday night, but oh well. see, the thing is, after i watched the cutting edge, i went ahead and watched the cutting edge 2: going for the gold, a new abc family original movie which came on right afterwards. the fact that the people at abc would decide to make a sequel ten years later of a movie that couldn't have been all that successful in the first place just proves my theory that hollywood is clean out of original (and not to mention quality) ideas. but then, of course, i did watch it. i don't know if you've seen the original, but in the sequel, the two main stars of the first movie are now married and have a figure skating daughter, played by the chick who used to be on even stevens on the disney channel. and of course her parents aren't played by the original stars, which goes to show that at least two people in hollywood have some integrity, or maybe are just involved in other crappy projects (moira kelly is on one tree hill, after all). anyway, she ends up changing to pairs skating and is so stuck up that the only person she can get to be her partner is a former roller blader that she once romanced in california. they fight, they fall in love, they deny it until their last skate at the olympics, they get the gold, they get each other, the plot follows the exact same outline as the original, yadda yadda blah blah blah. and i sat through the whole entire poorly acted thing. on a saturday night. in boston.

why does it seem that i have to be a lonely loser to keep from being a rebellious wrong-doer? surely their must be a balance somewhere.

the fuel of love

it is a new month, and a new me. kidding. as i am discovering lately, i am still very much the old me, the making-mistakes me, the me that God only protects so much until he lets me make my own, wrong decisions. and then what happens? guilt. questions. more guilt. is guilt from God? i was talking with my friend john last night and he doesn't think it usually is. and i like that idea. his point was this: what motivates us more, God making us feel guilty or God loving us? for sure, at least for me, it's answer b. because i've been feeling guilty lately, and let me tell you, it is not very motivating. all it makes me want to do is give in to my rebellion, embrace my struggles and make more mistakes. guilt makes me feel hopeless. but God's love? his never-changing, unconditional, full of grace love? now that moves me. that makes me want to change. and best of all, it makes me feel like i can change. all hope is not lost. i guess the tricky part is letting yourself accept it, his love, i mean. because when i make i make a mistake, the last thing i want to let myself feel is his love. i don't deserve it. i deserve to be punished. and i guess that is how satan gets us. first he tempts us into sin, then he tells us after that we don't deserve to be with God, to have his love. it's quite clever, actually. satan doesn't want us to be with God. God would never be telling us to stay away until we're done feeling crappy about our sin. he wants to be with us, the real us, right now, whether we feel like we deserve it or not.

the laziest man will swim the English Channel for the woman he loves. the love of God is the only thing that can give us enough fuel to overcome sin. don miller

talking in cars with boys

after work a couple of weeks ago, i noticed that mojo music was closing, and offering 50% off its merchandise. a record collector's paradise? i think yes. i couldn't help going in and embracing the familiar comfort of sifting through the musty bins of albums, searching for treasures. my favorite find? a metallic silver blue edition of carly simon's anticipation. above both of the doors in my room i have a revolving display of my favorite album covers, and i carefully selected new displays that day, thinking of my feelings lately and making sure to leave a place for carly. my front door is my "i cant wait for spring and summer and happiness" door, and it features the beach boys' endless summer, the beach boys' california girls, and frank sinatra's come fly with me. in july, i'm flying home with frank to oregon and i can't wait. then there's my closet door, representing my more brooding and current state. first comes james taylor's sweet baby james, posters of which surely graced girls' bedrooms in the 70s because he was hot hot hot. on the other side is carole king's tapestry, a classic that i recently decided one can never have enough copies of (i have three). then, in the middle, is my theme, my thesis, my carly. the day i put it up i wrote this in my journal...

"...i am carly. and you should see her on this album: bold, gorgeous, STRONG, open, vulnerable. she is saying, 'i've been through shit but i still want love. i'm waiting, i'm ready, bring it.' her body, her face, her stance and pose scream ANTICIPATION. ANTICIPATION. beautiful, wonderful, scary, lonely, brave, trusting, anticipation. what is coming next?"

lately i keep finding myself in my driveway or on my street, sitting in the warm car of whomever has been nice enough to drive me home, just talking. they don't turn off the engine, but they don't seem in a hurry. even if it's late late late, we keep talking and laughing and hashing out the insides of our hearts. or we just sit and listen to the music that's too good to get out of the car to. these times with my three guy friends have been lovely unexpected treasures at the end of busy, ordinary days, and they remind me of this feeling i have lately, the feeling that something is just around the bend, something amazing.

is there anything better than to be longing for something when you know it is within reach? greta garbo

buzzed blogging

i am going to try something new. in the spirit of "drunk dialing" i bring you "buzzed blogging." yes, i am a christian and sometimes i have too much to drink. that might sound worse than it is...see, i have recently (tonight) determined that all that lies between sober me and drunk me is one measley cosmopolitan. yeah, i have no clue if i spelled measley right. i'm going to guess no. so anyway, yes, tonight i went out with my roomate and i had that cosmo and i actually learned a lesson. it's weird...i feel like before, God was letting me make mistakes, and now that i've learned some lessons from the school of hard knocks (wow, i hate that phrase), it's like he's protecting me more. don't get me wrong, i know i am ultimately responsible for my mistakes, but it's like God knows what i really want now and he knows how weak i am meanwhile and he's helping a brother (or sister, in my case) out. oh, but back to the lesson i learned. yeah, that wasn't it. the lesson of tonight is: it is possible to hang out with a bunch of cool guys, flirt a little, and not cause any permanent damage. i did that tonight and i didn't end up with a relationship, a hook-up, or any regrets. but that goes back to the God is protecting me thing. i guess what i'm really trying to say is you can go out and have fun and it doesn't always have to mean something. it doesn't always have to lead to something. lower your expectations a little, and let it be enough that you are enjoying tonight, showing a couple of guys named alex what a crappy pool player you are.

close encounters

since i last wrote a mere 11 days ago, 6 things from my "things i'm looking forward to" list have happened. not bad! i used my T pass. it ruled. swipedy-swipe swipe swipe! that's me with my T pass! i got my massive tax refund. and we're talking massive. we're talking i almost crapped my pants when i saw my checking balance. i got my birthday package from my mommy in the mail. it was full of lovely sweet things which i opened while talking to my mom on the phone the morning of my birthday. this wasn't on my list, but it should have been: i survived my birthday. now i just have to make it through valentine's day. i spent a ridiculous amount of money on a new pair of shoes, black wedges with wood soles, wore them out, had to take them off 'cause they hurt so bad. function over fashion my ass! and, yesterday, i got brian's mp3 player in the mail. walking down the streets and being able to choose my soundtrack brings me great joy. and finally, my next crush...

it's a tuesday night. freezing cold. i'm riding the T to a small group from my new church. the group is supposed to be artsy-fartsy, and co-ed. artsy...good, co-ed, bad. or good. or bad. like i always do on the T, i'm checking out the peops. okay, fine, i'm checking out the guys. we pull into a station, and three attractive twenty-somethings walk into the car, one of whom is a very handsome male who stands right in front of me and grabs the pole attached to my seat. he reaches into his bag. he pulls out a book. it looks remarkably like...no! could it be? it is! he just whipped out a bible! so here's this hot guy, standing right in front of me on the T, reading the bible! i contemplate making some sort of move...then he starts talking to his friends about how they are going to a small group! and i think...could they be going to MY artsy-fartsy co-ed small group? could it be? i'm about to ask them...something...and then they get off, disappear right out the doors they came in, and he is gone. i feel strangely cheated. i get to the small group. he is not there. but someone even hotter is. i tell my new friends the story of hot bible boy. they laugh. i spend most of the night thoroughly enjoying the company of these amazing, creative people, people i can hardly believe are christians. not because they behave in some "sinful" way, but because they aren't stereotypical, they're creative, and they're not afraid to admit their faults and struggles. i spend the other part of the night staring at the hot guy, a new crush developing beyond my control. this guy is completely out of my league. he must have a girlfriend. how could this guy not have a girlfriend? he is wearing amazing shoes, which is always the green light for a new crush in my book. this is why a co-ed small group is a bad idea. but this is also why i have hope. what did i learn from this night of close encounters with christian hotties? that they are out there, that's what. and one of them has got my name written on him, in huge, metaphorical letters.

when will winter end already?

things i'm looking forward to:

1. brian and nicole's wedding in july...i'm going to be a bridesmaid and go home for a whole week!
2. my mommy visiting me next month
3. using my brand-new combo bus/subway pass tomorrow and no longer making sure my wallet is stocked with $1 bills
4. getting my massive tax refund
5. getting a mac laptop with my very own wireless!
6. SUMMER
7. holding "my" new baby boys
8. my next crush
9. starting grad school
10. a birthday package from my mom in the mail
11. being debt-free
12. following a budget
13. my next pair of new shoes
14. buying and wearing red tights
15. not being cold
16. feeling settled
17. finding out if i need glasses
18. brian's mp3 player coming in the mail
19. having a baby
20. seeing season 2 of lost

alone, alive

last week i lost a couple of things that were important to me.

tuesday: car
thursday: boyfriend

so i guess you could say i had a hard week. there's nothing quite like living in a city for four months and then suddenly feeling like you just moved there all over again. i mean, that's not entirely true, i have friends and a great job and all that jazz, but there was a moment last week where i felt more alone than i have ever felt in my entire life. yeah, that was a crappy moment.

from the night it happened, under the wrenching pain of a broken heart, i saw it for what it really was: a much-needed chance to start over, to get back on the right path, to finally put an end to the shenannagins. i felt God saying to me, "there you go. i made the decision for you, solved your problem, and now you can get on with your life." and for the first time in a few years, i actually WANTED to. i wanted to stop pushing the boundaries of what God wants for me, and ultimately, what i want for myself. i've tried out the other way, and i've found it lacking.

the problem i am now facing is a little thing called the interim. this all sounded fine and good last week, when the emotions were fresh and my resolve was strong. but now i'm lonely and depressed. i guess i'm going through the grief cycles or some crap. i find myself thinking very angry thoughts while walking down the street...angry thoughts mostly aimed at the exBF and random couples passing me. so, my worry is i won't stay strong in the time until "the right one" comes along, which my cynical mood of late causes me to ask "is there really such a thing?"

when matt and i first started dating, he made me a mix CD. little did he know at the time that one of the songs on it would become the soundtrack to our breakup, at least in my mind. it was stuck in my head for a week after thursday, and i found myself marveling at how perfectly it described the situation and begging it to go away.

summer time and the wind is blowing...and i don't know what i'm doing in this city...and that's when i knew, that i could never have you...i knew that before you did...now i'm the one who's stupid...i hope you take a piece of me with you...and there's things i'd like to do that you don't believe in...and this will be the last time we'll be friends again...i'll get over you and you'll wonder who i am...and there is this burning like there's always been...i've never been so alone and i've never been so alive

third eye blind, motorcycle drive by

post-christmas carnage report

i am sitting in my car typing on my roomate's laptop, staring longingly at my front door, but unable to go inside. why? because someone left the gas stove on all night and now our apartment is full of gas. i have been wandering town, aimless and exhausted, for the last three hours. adding to my frustration is the fact that every business is closed in observance of new year's day, not allowing me to take care of the phone calls on my to do list. all i want to do is go inside and sleep, but i'm afraid i'll never wake up or wake up on fire. woe is me.

i am a magnet for insane people. that is the only explanation i can come up with to justify the crazy interactions i have been having with some of my fellow humans lately. a couple of weeks ago, i was brutally cussed out and verbally assaulted by a stranger on the streets of cambridge, because i walked ever-so slightly in front of her friend's stroller. i'm pretty sure i would have gotten my ass kicked had i been drawn in by her shouts of "turn around when i'm talking to you, bitch!" but luckily i maintained my composure and ignored her. then there were the girls in the back of the bus a few weeks back. i was already severely traumatized by having to wait outside in 20 degree weather for an hour for the bus, which was of course extremely crowded. i managed to find a seat next to a very outspoken girl in the back, next to all of her very outspoken friends. they sat across from me, pulling brand-new scandalous underwear and patterned socks out of thier shopping bags, ripping off the tags, and throwing them violently on the bus floor while muttering, "stupid bitch bus driver, i dont give a BEEP if i mess up your bus..." i stared in awe, trying to pretend like it was normal every day behavior, while the girl next to me annouced she missed her wife and slid her arm around the back of my seat. then they all started talking about some club they go to to bump and grind, and then the outspoken girl next to me blurts out one of, if not the, all time best stranger quotes i have ever heard: "everyone who goes into that club either comes out pregnant or a lesbian. and i came out both." holy crap, my brain screamed, as i tried my best to act nonchalant until i finally got my chance to bolt off the bus to safety.

this is just a sampling of the most extreme people i have encountered. there was also the classic "inconsiderate cell phone woman" on the bus who shouted for all to hear, "i told you! i get to keep my left ovary! they're taking out the right one!" and someday, if i have the energy, i will tell you about rita, the crazy woman who is trying to buy my car online. i thought autotrader.com was a pretty safe place, but it turns out by posting your car there, you are actually applying for a possibly illegal middleman position in international business. intrigued? confused? so am i.

on a lighter note, my life has been significantly enhanced by a magazine i found recently...FOUND magazine. people send in random letters, photos, and strange randomness that they find, and it is the most fascinating thing ever. i am hooked. since starting to read it, i have been keeping my eyes to the ground, and i have already found some interesting finds. the best were several crates of abandoned albums outside of one of cambridge's many record stores. i sat right down on the wet sidewalk and helped myself to the mountain of treasure, and realized for the hundredth time why i love this city.

and now, the moment you all have been waiting for...the post-christmas carnage report! it turns out the online wish list was a brillant idea, and i made quite a killing! as i said before, i got my label maker, my computer saavy (and just saavy in general) uncle got me the queen size blue blanket, i got sweaters, socks and underwear, of course, and my mommy got me a really warm, really long, really thick scarf. since that worked out so well, keep your eyes peeled for my grown up birthday list, coming soon to a blog near you.

www.foundmagazine.com go there! i guarantee you will be moved, inspired, and intrigued.

the human body!

i got to spend four days at home for Christmas, and it was splendid. it was a bit crazy and stressful at first, but by the end i had thoroughly enjoyed myself. i got to see my mom, my dad, my brother jake, brian, nicole, shanna, david and geneva, matt, nicole and matea, kari, denice and her fam, my grama and wil. that was a lot of people to cram into four days, but it was worth it. here are some of the highlights...

quality time with my mommy! we ate her goodies, watched a lifetime movie, chatted it up, snuggled, and played with her kitten, zoey. she even got me my label maker!

daddy daughter bonding! my dad is so cute when he sees me after a long absence...he makes me food, chills my milk glass in the freezer, and takes me shopping at good ol' fred meyer for a christmas gift. while we were there, i kept seeing all these people that i used to work with 6-7 years ago (dang, that's hard to believe) and so i says to my dad, i says, "seeing all these people that i used to work with still working here makes me want to throw up." a little while later he looks at me and says, "liz...seeing all these people shopping here who have been shopping here forever makes me want to puke!" whenever i spend a significant chunk of time with my dad, it's impossible to ignore the me is see in him. it makes me smile.

expectations, expectations, expectations! i came up with a slogan for my trip home..."every one wants a piece of the liz pie!" i had lunch with my friend wil and he tells me beforehand "i rearranged my entire christmas schedule for this one lunch...so it better be good. bring your a-game." he was kidding, of course, but the quote represents how i felt at times...like i'd better be in a good mood because i only got to see some people once. but then i met up with my friend kari. we greeted each other, rejoiced, and then she said, "i'm really sorry, but i'm in a really bad mood." "I'M in a really bad mood!" i replied excitedly. and then we proceeded to have one of our usual brutally honest heart to hearts. and that's why i love kari.

and, of course, there was my precious geneva and matea. matea gave me a personal tour of their new house, making sure to show me the most important thing, her new sequined ballet outfit. she then put on her rainbow tights and matching ballet slippers with the outfit and showed me her dancing skills. cutest thing ever! geneva was so excited to see me that she was dancing and shaking her arms all around. shanna asked her to tell me what her favorite thing was and she looked right at me, eyes wide, face elated, and said, "the human body!" i was so surprised i couldn't help but laugh. "what's your favorite thing about the human body?" shanna then asked her. "bones!" she said. some people i have shared this with think it is creepy, but i think it's freaking adorable. my geneva, she's so smart.

so geneva and matea are both about three years old, and both of their moms are having baby boys next month! i am so excited that i screamed and jumped up and down in nicole's kitchen. i got to feel the baby moving around in her tummy, and it was so cool! i told everyone that i am planning a longer visit for the middle of next year, solely to hold the babies. anyone else who wants to see me can, but they will have to visit with me while i am holding the babies.

other nuggets (that one's for you, wil) worth mentioning are my ever-witty banter with brian (we're both still on our a-game), the fact that i can be quite bitchy when i'm in a bad mood, and, it turns out i can do suduko! i'm not an idiot after all!