the truth is beautiful

if you can be honest
i can be too
if you take the first step
i'll follow you through

child don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it will heal the wounds it makes

you've been decieved to think
that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it will give more than it takes

honest, kendall payne

tonight i transferred some of my old mp3's from college onto my laptop and now i'm listening to some of my favorite forgotten songs, such as the one above. those words are definitely a part of my life philosophy, my mantra if you will.

i spent the day apartment hunting, which has quickly become my absolute least favorite thing to do. it's so much easier in oregon, where they have these amazing things called apartment complexes. yes, they are corporate and cookie-cutter and have no history, but they are all in one place, easy to access, with plenty of parking and reasonable rent rates. such is not the case in boston. in boston, apartments are mostly floors of houses or rooms in large old buildings. yes, you can find restored victorian greatness, but mostly you will find ghetto unsanitary crap. at least in my price range. you drive all over town (if you're lucky, otherwise you walk) becoming more and more discouraged with every dump you see and by the end of the day you're so sick from too much apartment that even if you saw the apartment of your dreams, you'd hate it because you're so exhausted and cranky.

being patient is so hard. trusting God is so hard. doing the right thing is so hard. staying on the right path is so hard. believing that i'm not alone is so hard. but when i can manage these things, when God helps me to do so, it is also so beautiful. and the mistakes that fill up the space between these rare moments are beautiful, too.

the greenest trees you'll ever see
are the ones in your mind
and all the answers and the dreams
will come to you in time

you are living life
you are living life
you are living life
the way you feel

and that is real

living life, ben kweller (a new favorite)

my hands

when our shoulders touch
it’s all I can do
to stop my hands
from reaching for you

I don’t know how
to take it slow
to deal with
the not knowing

I’m fragile
I want you
do you want me
too?

I guess for now
i’ll try and sleep
I’ll try and pray
and I’ll sit
on my hands

remember when...

remember when the absolute best thing you could think of to do on a friday night was go clothes shopping with your mom?

and when you used to think that you'd be married with kids by the age that she was married with kids?

and life was simpler?

remember back to before you realized that yearning and pain are a part of the human condition?

and that sometimes, when people seem to good to be true

they are

or, they are taken away from you too soon?

remember when you didn't have to put on tight jeans, a sexy top, and heels to attract a boy?

and you were still young enough to say exactly what you thought

right when you thought it?

remember when you realized that all the people you loved

would never, ever

all be in the same place
at the same time
with you?

the first time you felt loss
the first time you felt love

the first time you felt pain
and knew you would feel it again

i do.