this last weekend kicked my ass. it punched me in the ribs, kicked me in the back, chewed me up and spit me out onto the cold, hard, earth, leaving only a wasted shell of the sullen, shuffling, yet slightly hopeful woman i was on friday.
lesson of the month: dont help your mom paint her living room a week and a half before you move across the country.
dont get me wrong, i love my mom and i was happy to help her, the timing just turned out to be sucky. i also finished cleaning out my room at home this weekend, an act that unleashed killer dustbunnies and the worst allergy attack i've had in months. by 9 pm on sunday, i had to concede defeat, take benedryl, and fall into a coma. alas, after i woke up on monday and treated myself to a delightful teeth cleaning at my dentist, the living room still wasn't finished being painted. hermoine would just die if she heard this (luckily she's a fictional character...phew!) but i could really use some house elves right about now.
i think i drank to much mountain dew. i feel funny.
that's what wil declared after lunch yesterday, a hilarious hour of theatrics that bringing together random groupings of my friends sometimes creates. there were funny faces, staged fights, hell, even an inneundo or two. but that quote (minus the mountain dew part, i hate mountain dew) perfectly describes how i've been feeling. i feel funny. this whole getting ready to move across the country thing...it's bizarre, i tell you! and kind of stressful, running errands and packing and scheduling goodbyes and what not. my oasis for this insanity has been found in jack johnson, who's music i never fully appreciated until the show. he's just so good live. i am so in love with his song "constellations" off of his "in between dreams" album. so in love, i am going to post the lyrics and i heartily recommend that you download it and listen to it when you just need to chill out, feel romantic, and let all the funny feelings slip away.
the light was leaving in the west it was blue
the children’s laughter sang
and skipping just like the stones they threw
their voices echoed across the waves
it’s getting late
and it was just another night
with a sunset and a moonrise
not too far behind to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
we listened to Papa’s translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations
the west winds often last too long
and when they calm down, nothing ever feels the same
sheltered under the Kamani tree
waiting for the passing rain
clouds keep moving to uncover the sea
stars up above us chasing the day away
to find the stories that we sometimes need
listen close enough and all else fades
fades away
and it was just another night
with a sunset and a moonrise
not so far behind to give us just enough light
to lay down underneath the stars
listen to all translations
of the stories across the sky
we drew our own constellations
it's just so beautiful. i really wish it would rain before i move away. this seems unlikely. the other morning i woke up to the loveliest sound...rain pattering against the window. i lay in bed, mentally writing a blog about the first rain of fall and the romance of it all, soaking up the moment. then i got up to gaze at the beauty awaiting me outside the window, pulled back the blinds, and saw a flawless blue sky. what the? i mumbled, realizing my rain was only a sprinkler.
talk about a tease.
8.23.2005
8.19.2005
twelve days
t-minus 12 days until i leave for the big, bad bean-town. why the crap do people say "t-minus"? i've always wondered. one of life's many mysteries. so, i have twelve days to say my "see you later"s, take care of all my moving business, somehow acquire a large sum of money, get my car fixed, and pack five cars worth of possessions into one. that last thing is what i am most concerned about, atleast currently. i'm staying at brian's until i leave, and my stuff is taking up an entire room, boxes and boxes of miscellany, a sight that makes me want to hurl everytime i dare to peek in. but i must start tackling it, and i must start tackling it today, thus why i am procrastinating by writing this blog.
my last twelve days are further complicated by the fact that brian is moving into another apartment in this complex before we leave. this makes the need to organize my shit much more pressing, as if it wasn't already pressing enough. furthermore, there is my room at home to consider, on which i have made some progress, but not enough. ew, ew, ew, i have to stop talking about this before i spew.
last night at approximately 12:20 am i finished the latest harry potter installment, harry potter and the half blood prince. i must say, i was quite satisfied...in had romance, intrigue, mystery, humor...but with each harry potter book i read, i feel worse and worse for harry and the crap he constantly has to face. he's come a long way from the carefree days of the sorcerer's stone, i'll tell you that right now. being a boy wizard isn't fun and games anymore...it's life or death! poor, poor, brave harry. he's quite the little sixteen year old stud.
on tuesday, brian, nicole and i made the four hour drive to bend to see jack johnson at the les schwab amphitheatre. good show. on the way there, we stopped at this teeny tiny country store after being warned that the next place to get gas was 56 miles down the road. the owner of the country store turned out to be quite the renaissance man, for while we were chatting it up with him, we realized he was also the town's realtor. "i'm the mayor, too," he said as he scooped our ice cream. we thought he was joking, but he wasn't. we declared him to be a stud, as well, and continued on our way.
the concert pretty much ruled, the second opener, ALO, or the animal liberation orchestra (they get the best band name of the year award in my book) were freaking amazing, and jack rules live. at one point he brought this little boy named caleb up on stage to play a song, and this kid was phenomenal! jack said he met him last year in bend and caleb could play all of his songs, so this year he let him play one on stage. what a big soft heart that jack johnson has! later in the show these boys were brawling right up by the stage and he said, "hey, guys, that's not what the ladies want to see. they want to see guys dancing, not fighting." needless to say, i thought that was rad, and i wanted to have his babies. so besides the inevitable wafting smell of pot and overaged, inappropriate dirty dancing that every outdoor show seems to bring out, it was definitely worth 40 big ones. especially since i haven't actually paid the 40 big ones back to brian yet. evil laugh.
my last twelve days are further complicated by the fact that brian is moving into another apartment in this complex before we leave. this makes the need to organize my shit much more pressing, as if it wasn't already pressing enough. furthermore, there is my room at home to consider, on which i have made some progress, but not enough. ew, ew, ew, i have to stop talking about this before i spew.
last night at approximately 12:20 am i finished the latest harry potter installment, harry potter and the half blood prince. i must say, i was quite satisfied...in had romance, intrigue, mystery, humor...but with each harry potter book i read, i feel worse and worse for harry and the crap he constantly has to face. he's come a long way from the carefree days of the sorcerer's stone, i'll tell you that right now. being a boy wizard isn't fun and games anymore...it's life or death! poor, poor, brave harry. he's quite the little sixteen year old stud.
on tuesday, brian, nicole and i made the four hour drive to bend to see jack johnson at the les schwab amphitheatre. good show. on the way there, we stopped at this teeny tiny country store after being warned that the next place to get gas was 56 miles down the road. the owner of the country store turned out to be quite the renaissance man, for while we were chatting it up with him, we realized he was also the town's realtor. "i'm the mayor, too," he said as he scooped our ice cream. we thought he was joking, but he wasn't. we declared him to be a stud, as well, and continued on our way.
the concert pretty much ruled, the second opener, ALO, or the animal liberation orchestra (they get the best band name of the year award in my book) were freaking amazing, and jack rules live. at one point he brought this little boy named caleb up on stage to play a song, and this kid was phenomenal! jack said he met him last year in bend and caleb could play all of his songs, so this year he let him play one on stage. what a big soft heart that jack johnson has! later in the show these boys were brawling right up by the stage and he said, "hey, guys, that's not what the ladies want to see. they want to see guys dancing, not fighting." needless to say, i thought that was rad, and i wanted to have his babies. so besides the inevitable wafting smell of pot and overaged, inappropriate dirty dancing that every outdoor show seems to bring out, it was definitely worth 40 big ones. especially since i haven't actually paid the 40 big ones back to brian yet. evil laugh.
8.13.2005
mommy pants
tonight i am spending the night at my mom's new house in the o.c. (that's oregon city, for all you non-lame people out there). she's so cute, she set up the spare bedroom for me, complete with pictures of me and family on my bedside table. she also put a her "i'm having a baby" journal on the table for me to read. i've read it before, but it's always an intriguing read, especially now that i'm nearing the age where i'll probably pop one out myself. she had me when she was 24, but she told me not to go getting any ideas. the journal is a detailed account of her pregnancy with yours truly, and the subsequent birth, and my little bro even snagged a few pages for his entry into the big bad world. i don't know if these things are passed on, but my mom had really short labors and didn't puke very much when she was pregnant. this makes me hopeful. the times she did hurl were both from a chili dog overdose, a lesson that took her two times to fully learn. freaking nasty. i'll spare you the gross anatomical details, even though there are a few phrases i'm dying to mention. but i'm not going to, and i hope you remember this if you ever doubt my love for you.
lisa is just too busy to think about going potty. she is so smart and big for her age. she can be so funny and cute and then turn around and be such a brat.
that's my mom's description of me at two. ironically, i think most of it is still fairly accurate. i still find stopping activities to use the bathroom quite annoying, and i guess i'm still a cute, funny brat. the one thing that bothers me...big for her age? was my mom calling me fat? oh, my parents called me lisa beth for the first five or so years of my life. little known fact. then in first grade i declared i wanted to be called elizabeth (my real name) and then in sixth i told the teacher to call me liz, and so it has been ever since. fascinating, ay?
hands down my favorite part of the journal is my mom talking about maternity clothes, especially maternity pants, which she refers to as "mommy pants." i can just picture my mom and dad going into fred meyer in 1981 to pick out "mommy slacks" and "mommy jeans." what an adorable thought. tonight i have a feeling i am going to dream about the inside of fred meyer in 1981. i can't wait to see what it looked like.
some mistakes are too fun to only make once. random readerboard, and my new mantra
lisa is just too busy to think about going potty. she is so smart and big for her age. she can be so funny and cute and then turn around and be such a brat.
that's my mom's description of me at two. ironically, i think most of it is still fairly accurate. i still find stopping activities to use the bathroom quite annoying, and i guess i'm still a cute, funny brat. the one thing that bothers me...big for her age? was my mom calling me fat? oh, my parents called me lisa beth for the first five or so years of my life. little known fact. then in first grade i declared i wanted to be called elizabeth (my real name) and then in sixth i told the teacher to call me liz, and so it has been ever since. fascinating, ay?
hands down my favorite part of the journal is my mom talking about maternity clothes, especially maternity pants, which she refers to as "mommy pants." i can just picture my mom and dad going into fred meyer in 1981 to pick out "mommy slacks" and "mommy jeans." what an adorable thought. tonight i have a feeling i am going to dream about the inside of fred meyer in 1981. i can't wait to see what it looked like.
some mistakes are too fun to only make once. random readerboard, and my new mantra
8.12.2005
moments
life is a series of moments...some beautiful, some tragic, some humorous, and some boring. those truly beautiful, poignant moments are so rare, but they are what make us willing to trudge through the boring and painful moments that take up so much of our lives.
there is a moment, in every relationship, where i attach. it is early on, perhaps too early on, and once i'm attached, that's it. the pain of loss is locked in, guaranteed, looming in my inevitable future. this attachment is not a conscious choice, it's not a choice at all. it is who i am to give myself to others wholeheartedly, to throw caution to the wind, to wear my heart on my sleeve. this practice is, in a word, dangerous. to truly know someone takes time and some degree of distance and objectivity, all of which are lost with such an early attachment.
there is a moment, in every doomed relationship, where one person seals themselves off from the other. they mentally throw in the towel, write you off, and declare your love a lost cause. even if the relationship trudges on, fighting the inevitable, that moment is when it is over. that is the instant when the possibilities end, and you are let go. the decision is made, and once that moment passes, you can never truly have that person back.
a moment can change everything.
there is a moment, in every relationship, where i attach. it is early on, perhaps too early on, and once i'm attached, that's it. the pain of loss is locked in, guaranteed, looming in my inevitable future. this attachment is not a conscious choice, it's not a choice at all. it is who i am to give myself to others wholeheartedly, to throw caution to the wind, to wear my heart on my sleeve. this practice is, in a word, dangerous. to truly know someone takes time and some degree of distance and objectivity, all of which are lost with such an early attachment.
there is a moment, in every doomed relationship, where one person seals themselves off from the other. they mentally throw in the towel, write you off, and declare your love a lost cause. even if the relationship trudges on, fighting the inevitable, that moment is when it is over. that is the instant when the possibilities end, and you are let go. the decision is made, and once that moment passes, you can never truly have that person back.
a moment can change everything.
8.08.2005
so, you're quitting your job...
yes, after many months of whining, worrying, and moaning, it is finally my last week at roth's friendly foodliners. unfortunately, this has brought on a lack of motivation the likes of which i have never seen. when i actually manage to squeeze out a new sign, it usually looks like dung, but i can't muster up the heart to even care. luckily for me, my idea of what looks like dung looks pretty ok to the average grocery-shopper and/or worker, so i'm safe.
the great thing about it being my last week is that i (pretty much) don't have to worry about getting fired by my arch-nemesis, the store manager. this has made it oh-so-easy for my quick-witted, smart-ass comments to come flying out whenever i am in his presence, or even the presence of several other managers. this week, it's all about getting the laughs and serving up the wit, and i finally don't have to worry about the consequences. in the spirit of this new-found freedom, brian and i spent the better part of tonight's dinner discussing ways to go out with a bang that i probably won't be trying...
* hanging out in the breakroom and dropping scandalous comments/telling outlandish stories about coworkers
* filling the bottom of any and all utensil buckets with glue
* placing a chalk sign of dave in a dress in the entryway and waiting to see how long it takes for him to notice
* dumping water in dave's office and saying, "sorry, i left the water running in your office." (he once did that to me while i was working in the cafe and didn't clean it up)
got any other fun ideas? feel free to send them my way. however, i am expecting absolutely no response, because, as lloyd says in my new favorite movie, say anything, "if you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise." i freaking love that movie. i think it's time to watch it again.
the great thing about it being my last week is that i (pretty much) don't have to worry about getting fired by my arch-nemesis, the store manager. this has made it oh-so-easy for my quick-witted, smart-ass comments to come flying out whenever i am in his presence, or even the presence of several other managers. this week, it's all about getting the laughs and serving up the wit, and i finally don't have to worry about the consequences. in the spirit of this new-found freedom, brian and i spent the better part of tonight's dinner discussing ways to go out with a bang that i probably won't be trying...
* hanging out in the breakroom and dropping scandalous comments/telling outlandish stories about coworkers
* filling the bottom of any and all utensil buckets with glue
* placing a chalk sign of dave in a dress in the entryway and waiting to see how long it takes for him to notice
* dumping water in dave's office and saying, "sorry, i left the water running in your office." (he once did that to me while i was working in the cafe and didn't clean it up)
got any other fun ideas? feel free to send them my way. however, i am expecting absolutely no response, because, as lloyd says in my new favorite movie, say anything, "if you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise." i freaking love that movie. i think it's time to watch it again.
8.04.2005
open heart, broken heart
it hurts to be me right now. today is one of those annoying days in which your heart kind of aches all day, except for those moments when you are momentarily distracted, after which you endure the painful pang that comes with remembering why you are so sad. i've had other days like this that were much more painful, days i thought i couldn't survive. i knew i could make it through this one, it just took a little extra somethin somethin.
if it's this hard after three days, how's it going to be after three weeks?
that's what greg said when we had "the talk" last night. and as i sat there, feeling extremely crappy, i couldn't help but agree. there is a fine line between "living for the moment" and being masochistic. damn, i was sure i spelled that wrong, but i spell checked it and i'm right. i'll add that to my list of reasons to live.
i can be honest with you, but you have to be honest with yourself...
i dont want to be honest with myself, because when i am, i know i shouldn't see him again. but i also know that i'm not sure if i can resist the pull. the truth is, it probably isn't worth the pain. but the mistake is made, i can't go back, and now i don't know what to do...i dont know what i will do.
you're leaving in a month. i'm not letting myself get attached to you.
damn, i wish i could control my feelings like that! wouldn't that be convienient. but the more i think about it, feeling less just wouldn't be me. it might be easier, but i feel like it would mean sacrificing something valuable. i guess i just wish this was as hard for him as it is for me.
you're going to have lots of relationships, some casual, and some serious...
exactly why i wish i wouldn't have attached myself to him, to someone i will probably never see again. today it truly hit me that i may have made a huge mistake. but i made it. and i'm leaving. and that's just the way it is. there's no getting out of jail free on this one.
approximately one year ago i was writing about matt and i breaking up. i wrote about how, at that time, he was all i wanted. now greg is all i want, and i'm starting to really devalue my objectivity. i think the only real way to tell what you really want is the test of time, the test of seperation, the chance to see them for what they truly are. the problem is, i seem to give my heart away and get it broken long before that ever occurs. i ended my "matt and i broke up" entry a year ago with this quote, and, unfortunately, it applies again today.
i built another temple to a stranger...i gave away my heart to the rushing wind... dan haseltine
if it's this hard after three days, how's it going to be after three weeks?
that's what greg said when we had "the talk" last night. and as i sat there, feeling extremely crappy, i couldn't help but agree. there is a fine line between "living for the moment" and being masochistic. damn, i was sure i spelled that wrong, but i spell checked it and i'm right. i'll add that to my list of reasons to live.
i can be honest with you, but you have to be honest with yourself...
i dont want to be honest with myself, because when i am, i know i shouldn't see him again. but i also know that i'm not sure if i can resist the pull. the truth is, it probably isn't worth the pain. but the mistake is made, i can't go back, and now i don't know what to do...i dont know what i will do.
you're leaving in a month. i'm not letting myself get attached to you.
damn, i wish i could control my feelings like that! wouldn't that be convienient. but the more i think about it, feeling less just wouldn't be me. it might be easier, but i feel like it would mean sacrificing something valuable. i guess i just wish this was as hard for him as it is for me.
you're going to have lots of relationships, some casual, and some serious...
exactly why i wish i wouldn't have attached myself to him, to someone i will probably never see again. today it truly hit me that i may have made a huge mistake. but i made it. and i'm leaving. and that's just the way it is. there's no getting out of jail free on this one.
approximately one year ago i was writing about matt and i breaking up. i wrote about how, at that time, he was all i wanted. now greg is all i want, and i'm starting to really devalue my objectivity. i think the only real way to tell what you really want is the test of time, the test of seperation, the chance to see them for what they truly are. the problem is, i seem to give my heart away and get it broken long before that ever occurs. i ended my "matt and i broke up" entry a year ago with this quote, and, unfortunately, it applies again today.
i built another temple to a stranger...i gave away my heart to the rushing wind... dan haseltine
8.03.2005
this week, on the life of liz
my life has become a tv show. i know, i recently went off about tv and how unrealistic it is, but now my life is indeed a comedy/drama (dramedy?) along the lines of sex and the city. think in tv plot terms with me for a minute...what would happen if the lead (a hot twenty-something blond who's searching for more out of life than just the usual) decided to leave capeside, er, mcminnville, and move to boston to start a new and exciting chapter of her life? well, she'd meet a man of course! and yes, i said man, not boy. and then she'd be faced with a decision...give this man part of her heart, part of her last days with the people closest to her, knowing full well it's going to hurt like hell when she leaves...or play it safe and responsible and put an immediate end to the madness. well, if you know me at all, i guess you already know my decision. it's not everyday you actually have to decide rather to live for the moment or not, and now that i'm faced with that choice, i know exactly how i want to live. how i have to live, or else live to regret it. now all that matters is the little detail of finding out what our "relationship" means to him, having that awkward, necessary conversation that will determine if my recklessness and pain is actually worth it. the problem is, i'm pretty sure it's too late to turn back now anyway. and my bittersweet heart now has moments of wrenching pain sprinkled into the mix, right along with surges of truly feeling alive.
love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one; not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe it the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetreble, inredeemable.
to love is to be vulnerable.
c.s. lewis
love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one; not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe it the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetreble, inredeemable.
to love is to be vulnerable.
c.s. lewis
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