ladies eighties

tonight was one of those good nights. i think i've started several blogs with that line, and that is something to be thankful for. my good friend karen came over and we went out looking for fun in central square. we tried a few familiar clubs and then landed at the faithful phoenix landing (ha ha, we landed...) where the chalkboard outside simply sad, "ladies 80s." we asked the bouncer what that meant, exactly, and he said, "like cyndi lauper." bam, we were in, and as a bonus, he let us in free. suddenly we felt so exclusive, and we headed through the bar back to bathroom, and i waited while karen took care of her business. the bathroom was a surprisingly fascinating place. there was the usual condom/tampon vending machine and almost completely useless wimpy hand dryer, and then there were all these advertisements. one was full of fun facts, from which i learned that around 2500 left-handed people die every year from accidents involving tools made for right-handed people. this made me laugh. then it was back out into the bar to impatiently wait for the dj to start pumping out the ladies of the eighties. we almost left, but i'm so glad we didn't, because the next thing we knew, the music was thumping and the dance floor was ours. finally, unlike so many other nights out dancing, it was all about the music and the moves, and i was only semi-distracted by scanning the bar for eligible hotties. we rocked out to "girls just want to have fun" and did a dramatic interpretation of "thriller" (turns out the theme was fairly loose, as we learned when the dj tossed in some gnarls barkley, neither ladies nor eighties). the highlight of the night was a toss up between "i think we're alone now", complete with heart beating motions and passionate singing, and "shoop", where our sultry moves turned the heads of the male wallflowers. we left while we were on top, and burst out into the cold street singing the song we left behind. sometimes, you don't have to plan your friday night, or give in to the pressure to try and have a good time. you can simply go out and let a good time find you, look for some cyndi lauper and be the first one on the dance floor.

the hardest thing and the right thing

turns out i'm a lot stronger than i originally thought. turns out that a lot of shit i thought i had figured out about myself, i don't. turns out that on rare occasions, when i know what i really need to do, i actually do it.

i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.

this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.

romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.

go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.

every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...

and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless

every one knows i'm in over my head

step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

one year

sometimes i'm listening to songs and i love the lyrics, even though they don't describe my life right now. perhaps they describe something i've experienced in the past, and i'm amazed at how well the words of someone else capture my former feelings. ben harper does that for me pretty often.

yes indeed, i'm alone again
and here comes the emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
'cause i've been with witches
and i've been with a queen

it wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

i spent the last three days moving, and most of that pretending that i need a lot less help to move than i actually do. lots of times i think i can do things by myself that i really can't. luckily i have friends who know this, and they were there for me. so now all of my stuff is in my lovely new apartment, and i am beginning my second year in boston! unbelievable. i still feel new. like many other times in my life, this year seems to have flown by, but when i look back at individual months and days, some of them seemed so long and painful. those another lonely days. the last few months have been pretty splendid, and they passed too fast.

i am surrounded by a huge mess of my belongings. i have two papers due tomorrow that need significant work, and a small group to lead tomorrow night. and all i want to do is lay around on my bed and hang out with dan. i'd also like to have a couch, so that i could lay around in the living room, but i suppose that will come soon enough. maybe we can build one out of all of our empty boxes. we certainly have plenty of those. i'd also like a little money so i could go to see a movie and the independent movie theater that is steps from my house. yes, i love my new neighborhood. i am also a five minute walk from my favorite vintage clothing store, and a five minute bike ride to my work! no more bus for me! but i will always look back on the bus fondly, the long lonely days i spent riding it, and the rare beautiful moments connecting with strangers who became friends. yes, 71, you were good to me.

in the course of twenty crowded years
one parts with many illusions.
i did not wish to lose the early ones.
some memories are realities,
and are better than anything
that can ever happen to one again.

willa cather