talking in cars with boys

after work a couple of weeks ago, i noticed that mojo music was closing, and offering 50% off its merchandise. a record collector's paradise? i think yes. i couldn't help going in and embracing the familiar comfort of sifting through the musty bins of albums, searching for treasures. my favorite find? a metallic silver blue edition of carly simon's anticipation. above both of the doors in my room i have a revolving display of my favorite album covers, and i carefully selected new displays that day, thinking of my feelings lately and making sure to leave a place for carly. my front door is my "i cant wait for spring and summer and happiness" door, and it features the beach boys' endless summer, the beach boys' california girls, and frank sinatra's come fly with me. in july, i'm flying home with frank to oregon and i can't wait. then there's my closet door, representing my more brooding and current state. first comes james taylor's sweet baby james, posters of which surely graced girls' bedrooms in the 70s because he was hot hot hot. on the other side is carole king's tapestry, a classic that i recently decided one can never have enough copies of (i have three). then, in the middle, is my theme, my thesis, my carly. the day i put it up i wrote this in my journal...

"...i am carly. and you should see her on this album: bold, gorgeous, STRONG, open, vulnerable. she is saying, 'i've been through shit but i still want love. i'm waiting, i'm ready, bring it.' her body, her face, her stance and pose scream ANTICIPATION. ANTICIPATION. beautiful, wonderful, scary, lonely, brave, trusting, anticipation. what is coming next?"

lately i keep finding myself in my driveway or on my street, sitting in the warm car of whomever has been nice enough to drive me home, just talking. they don't turn off the engine, but they don't seem in a hurry. even if it's late late late, we keep talking and laughing and hashing out the insides of our hearts. or we just sit and listen to the music that's too good to get out of the car to. these times with my three guy friends have been lovely unexpected treasures at the end of busy, ordinary days, and they remind me of this feeling i have lately, the feeling that something is just around the bend, something amazing.

is there anything better than to be longing for something when you know it is within reach? greta garbo

buzzed blogging

i am going to try something new. in the spirit of "drunk dialing" i bring you "buzzed blogging." yes, i am a christian and sometimes i have too much to drink. that might sound worse than it is...see, i have recently (tonight) determined that all that lies between sober me and drunk me is one measley cosmopolitan. yeah, i have no clue if i spelled measley right. i'm going to guess no. so anyway, yes, tonight i went out with my roomate and i had that cosmo and i actually learned a lesson. it's weird...i feel like before, God was letting me make mistakes, and now that i've learned some lessons from the school of hard knocks (wow, i hate that phrase), it's like he's protecting me more. don't get me wrong, i know i am ultimately responsible for my mistakes, but it's like God knows what i really want now and he knows how weak i am meanwhile and he's helping a brother (or sister, in my case) out. oh, but back to the lesson i learned. yeah, that wasn't it. the lesson of tonight is: it is possible to hang out with a bunch of cool guys, flirt a little, and not cause any permanent damage. i did that tonight and i didn't end up with a relationship, a hook-up, or any regrets. but that goes back to the God is protecting me thing. i guess what i'm really trying to say is you can go out and have fun and it doesn't always have to mean something. it doesn't always have to lead to something. lower your expectations a little, and let it be enough that you are enjoying tonight, showing a couple of guys named alex what a crappy pool player you are.

close encounters

since i last wrote a mere 11 days ago, 6 things from my "things i'm looking forward to" list have happened. not bad! i used my T pass. it ruled. swipedy-swipe swipe swipe! that's me with my T pass! i got my massive tax refund. and we're talking massive. we're talking i almost crapped my pants when i saw my checking balance. i got my birthday package from my mommy in the mail. it was full of lovely sweet things which i opened while talking to my mom on the phone the morning of my birthday. this wasn't on my list, but it should have been: i survived my birthday. now i just have to make it through valentine's day. i spent a ridiculous amount of money on a new pair of shoes, black wedges with wood soles, wore them out, had to take them off 'cause they hurt so bad. function over fashion my ass! and, yesterday, i got brian's mp3 player in the mail. walking down the streets and being able to choose my soundtrack brings me great joy. and finally, my next crush...

it's a tuesday night. freezing cold. i'm riding the T to a small group from my new church. the group is supposed to be artsy-fartsy, and co-ed. artsy...good, co-ed, bad. or good. or bad. like i always do on the T, i'm checking out the peops. okay, fine, i'm checking out the guys. we pull into a station, and three attractive twenty-somethings walk into the car, one of whom is a very handsome male who stands right in front of me and grabs the pole attached to my seat. he reaches into his bag. he pulls out a book. it looks remarkably like...no! could it be? it is! he just whipped out a bible! so here's this hot guy, standing right in front of me on the T, reading the bible! i contemplate making some sort of move...then he starts talking to his friends about how they are going to a small group! and i think...could they be going to MY artsy-fartsy co-ed small group? could it be? i'm about to ask them...something...and then they get off, disappear right out the doors they came in, and he is gone. i feel strangely cheated. i get to the small group. he is not there. but someone even hotter is. i tell my new friends the story of hot bible boy. they laugh. i spend most of the night thoroughly enjoying the company of these amazing, creative people, people i can hardly believe are christians. not because they behave in some "sinful" way, but because they aren't stereotypical, they're creative, and they're not afraid to admit their faults and struggles. i spend the other part of the night staring at the hot guy, a new crush developing beyond my control. this guy is completely out of my league. he must have a girlfriend. how could this guy not have a girlfriend? he is wearing amazing shoes, which is always the green light for a new crush in my book. this is why a co-ed small group is a bad idea. but this is also why i have hope. what did i learn from this night of close encounters with christian hotties? that they are out there, that's what. and one of them has got my name written on him, in huge, metaphorical letters.