all about cycles

ahhh...how i've been longing to blog for days now. and here i finally am, and my wrist hurts like a mofo. i'm going to claim workman's comp for wrist overuse due to chalk art demands. or something. God has been teaching me a lot lately. often, he uses my counselor (claire) to teach me or put a thought in my head that later leads to a realization. that's right, i see a therapist and i'm proud of it! i know some people are adamently against therapy for a variety of reasons, but claire is very beneficial for me, and i believe counseling (with the right counselor) can be very helpful for most people. ok, i'm coming down off my therapy soapbox.

i saw claire yesterday and she helped me to realize that i seem to repeat a simular pattern in many areas of my life. i know what i really want (in a job, man, church, etc.) and sometimes i am willing to wait and pray and work for it until it comes. but other times, it seems to far off, so i flirt with settling for something/one less than what i really want. usually (thank God), i pass out of that phase before actually settling, and then i remember for the umpteenth time what it is i really want and try to patiently trust and wait for it. see the cycle? bitterness and doubt usually accompanies the "settling" stage, and contentment and peace goes along with the "waiting" stage. thankfully, i recently passed out of the "settling" stage back into the much better "waiting" phase. and i didn't actually settle for a boy/job that i didn't really want, although i came close, but God closed doors because he's got my back like that. thus, as far as the quest for better employment goes, i'm back to looking for a dream job i love that is better than roth's. before i was desperate, just trying to find anything to get out of roth's. not anymore. now i'm trying (and this is super hard) to enjoy and be fully present at roth's for the rest of my time there (however long that may be). i realized that i was probably missing out on opportunities to love the people i work with because i was so obsessed with how much i hated it there. i need and will continue to need tons of help from above to have a better attitude and to be patient for all the amazing things i want for my future. i often forget that there is a right now that i don't want to miss out on.

this guy at my work that i didn't really know died in a car accident this last weekend. i know this kind of a statment of the obvious, but everytime i hear about somebody i kind of knew dying, i always cant believe that they are actually dead, that dead means "that's it" and i'm never going to see them on this earth again or maybe ever again. it just amazes me that one minute we can be totally healthy and alive, and the next dead and gone forever. today at work i was thinking about writing a will or something of that sort just in case i die before i'm old and writing wills is the norm. but i dont really want to, because i feel like if i do, then i'll die. writing a will seems like playing with fire to me, and even talking about it seems dangerous. how weird is death? how easy is it to end our lives? dont worry, i'm not trying to freak anyone out, i'm in a very healthy emotional state, i swear. these are just thoughts.

dang. i knew if i wrote that "death" paragraph nothing would seem appropriate following it. oh well. i wish i had so much more time and energy on my hands, because there are about a million things i want to do. for instance, i just picked up 4 books from the new section of the library that i would love to read from cover to cover, but know that in all likelihood, i will read none of them. right now i'm reading a book claire recommended, with a title slightly too embarrassing to mention, but it's pretty good and i want to finish it. ok, my lunch is over and i have to go back to work. tear. three hours left and then i'm done with chalk art for the week. heck yeah!

go after a life of love as if your life depended on it, because it does. pursue the gifts God has given you and most of all, try to communicate his truth. the message

the root of all evil

that's right...money. if it wasn't for money, i would have quit my job by now. if not for money, i surely wouldn't have almost crapped my pants when i saw my cell phone bill the other day. and if not for that evil green paper (i've always wished our currency was in beautiful bright colors like other countries), my life would be much less stressful. i'm getting very, very tired and frustrated by the fact that every month, every week, every day, every paycheck, i don't have enough money to pay all my bills, buy food, etc. i owe people money, i owe organizations money, i hate money!

ok, let's all join together and clap our hands to our cheeks in shock that i didn't give my two weeks notice yesterday. despite the big green star i drew on my calendar at work on yesterday's box, i was forced by circumstances beyond my control, mostly related to the evil above, to go through the whole day without quitting. and today will be the same. i am hoping soon and very soon this shall change, and i am trying to listen to what God might want me to do...i won't lie, these are hard times. but don't worry, this isn't a desperate cry for help or anything. it's a hopefully somewhat humorous and slightly depressing description of my life right now. c'est la vie. for now.

i'm ok!

i didn't mean for my last entry to be a desperate cry for help, but apparently that's how it came off. i got a few emails and comments telling me what a wonderful person i am and how much my friends love me. this was really nice and encouraging, but i'm just wondering how my last entry subtley communicated "liz is suicidal!" to everyone.

in the spirit of spring, i have chosen a brighter version of my last template for a change. for all you computer science nerds out there (read: brian and matt) i even messed around with the html to make all the fonts be verdana. go me! WEBPAGE! (picture me making a gang-sign while i say that). today is wednesday, and it's after 3pm, so that means the tolerable part of my week has finally begun. no more chalk til next monday. and i try not to think about that until next sunday. last sunday when that happened i almost went in the next day and quit, but my more sensible friends talked me out of it. my new goal (and i hesitate to share this, in the likely case that it isn't realized) is to give my two weeks notice in two weeks from this last monday. that means i have 1.5 weeks to find a job so i can quit in a sensible manner.

why don't you jump on him dressed like a bavarian fruitcake?!? ms. congeniality