feeling considerably better the last 24 hours, and it is nice. don't get me wrong, i still have my super sad moments, but the fog is clearing a bit. now that my car is fixed and i have paid my mom back for it, my next goal is getting enough money to get my own place, probably in the happenin' metropolis of mcminnville. in a desperate moment recently, i sold my drumset. it all happened so fast, it was like ripping off a bandaid. friday, i post the ad on craigslist.com. saturday, guy comes and buys them, they are gone in under 10 minutes, and i am $180 richer. i'll admit it was a bit like giving away a bit of my soul, but i figure when a richer season comes along and i have a place to put them, i'll buy myself a better set. i just realized this could hurt my current prospects of being in a band...oops!
today i found out the best news i've heard in forever. something myself and tons of other people whom i am very grateful to, have been praying for this for like five years, and i thought it may never happen...my dad got a better job! a huge reason to smile. he will finally be able to hang up his gravedigging shovel and start a new life at a landscaping company. i'm so happy for him.
speaking of employment, my quest continues, and takes me to an interview at starbucks tomorrow. yes, the ultimate destiny of any art major is looming nearer...i will surely become a barista. barista seems like the kind of word that should have male and female forms...barista and baristo? i mean, barista sounds quite girly to me. i'm also waiting to hear back tomorrow from a lovely little bakery in mcminnville. my non-starbucks near-employment future sits in thier hands! on thursday night i'm going to my first graduate class! it's just a free survey class for art therapy at marylhurst, but it could very well be the start of my graduate career! i feel so...adult. and i like it.
your love is wider than my need will ever be -- jars of clay
8.30.2004
8.27.2004
letting go
beauty exists only in struggle. i read that somewhere. and, at the risk of sounding super cheesy...i have been seeing a lot of rainbows lately, and i was driving yesterday and saw the brightest one yet. and God couldnt help creeping into my thoughts, telling me that it has to pour down rain and huge, black clouds have to form before you can have the beauty of a rainbow. i dont know if i agree with beauty existing only in struggle, but i do believe you can't have beauty without it.
letting go is what i am having a hard time doing. but i realized yesterday (also on the rainbow drive) that even if i didn't think matt and i were doing the right thing, holding on would still be stupid and counterproductive. because he wants it to be over, and he has good reasons, and that's enough. it is over! and to hold onto to something that doesn't exist anymore is just plain dumb. i realized i was being kind of self torturing there for a few days, namely seeing him when i knew it would hurt like hell. i feel somewhat better now that i have admitted to myself and him that i cant see him for awhile. i have to heal, i have to move on, i have to let go! it is proving a difficult task.
it seems that God keeps bringing me to these places in my life where there is nothing and no one holding me back from doing whatever i want. this is atleast the third time that has happened this summer. apon realizing it had happened yet again, i found myself screaming at God "where the heck do you want me to go, then???" all i really have right now is that internship in california, so now i am thinking of going there again. yes, i know i change my mind like every day. but i have to go somewhere eventually....right? it's hard when you find yourself in a place where you feel like you've lost everything. but it's good, because it shows how to truly trust God. i just have to keep on surviving, keep on struggling through these agonizing days. i know i will be ok, because somehow i always am, but right now...it sucks.
there's an emptiness inside her and she'd do anything to fill it in and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart she feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart -- dave matthews
letting go is what i am having a hard time doing. but i realized yesterday (also on the rainbow drive) that even if i didn't think matt and i were doing the right thing, holding on would still be stupid and counterproductive. because he wants it to be over, and he has good reasons, and that's enough. it is over! and to hold onto to something that doesn't exist anymore is just plain dumb. i realized i was being kind of self torturing there for a few days, namely seeing him when i knew it would hurt like hell. i feel somewhat better now that i have admitted to myself and him that i cant see him for awhile. i have to heal, i have to move on, i have to let go! it is proving a difficult task.
it seems that God keeps bringing me to these places in my life where there is nothing and no one holding me back from doing whatever i want. this is atleast the third time that has happened this summer. apon realizing it had happened yet again, i found myself screaming at God "where the heck do you want me to go, then???" all i really have right now is that internship in california, so now i am thinking of going there again. yes, i know i change my mind like every day. but i have to go somewhere eventually....right? it's hard when you find yourself in a place where you feel like you've lost everything. but it's good, because it shows how to truly trust God. i just have to keep on surviving, keep on struggling through these agonizing days. i know i will be ok, because somehow i always am, but right now...it sucks.
there's an emptiness inside her and she'd do anything to fill it in and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart she feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart -- dave matthews
8.24.2004
the best laid plans
i also considering titling this entry "goodbye richard." this is because on friends, monica dated this guy named richard but they broke up because he didn't want kids and she did. yeah, that pretty much happened to me and matt this last weekend. that wasn't the only reason we broke up, but it was one of two. i'm keeping the last one to myself because some things have to be private, or atleast not shared over the world wide web.
so this sucks. i think it is a good thing for the time being, but that doesn't make it suck any less. logic doesn't lessen the hurt. i know it will all be okay in the end, yadda yadda yadda. i also know that we took things super fast, and i wanted to slow down, but we couldn't. i wrote in my journal "can you stop a high powered locomotive?" that's what i felt like matt and i were. i wanted to slow down and work on a friendship, and stay in a romantic relationship, but that was proving impossible. the question now is, of course, what will happen in the future? right now he is all i want, but i am rational enough to realize that he might not be "the one." something good about this is that i feel truly forced to take it day by day, to trust God. i feel like i dont have a choice because taking more than one day at a time would be much too painful.
it seems every situation in my life shows me what a passionately feeling person i am. i'm realizing that i am the kind of person who throws and gives my whole self into the good things i see. unfortunately the opposite of great joy is great pain, and i truly believe you cant have one without the other. the pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal. i'm not sure who said that, and yes, i know it's a sucky deal, but it's life. life is pain, love is pain, and how depressing is this entry? joy wouldn't be as rich if we didn't have pain to compare it to, and if God hadn't given me the capacity to feel things fully, I dont think I'd be the kind of artist that I am, or that I would care about other people's pain so much. I have to take the bad with the good, feeling both fully is a part of who God has made me. it's not always an easy life, but i wouldn't want it a different way...at least most of the time i wouldn't. maybe this week i would.
I built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride -- jealous kind, jars of clay
so this sucks. i think it is a good thing for the time being, but that doesn't make it suck any less. logic doesn't lessen the hurt. i know it will all be okay in the end, yadda yadda yadda. i also know that we took things super fast, and i wanted to slow down, but we couldn't. i wrote in my journal "can you stop a high powered locomotive?" that's what i felt like matt and i were. i wanted to slow down and work on a friendship, and stay in a romantic relationship, but that was proving impossible. the question now is, of course, what will happen in the future? right now he is all i want, but i am rational enough to realize that he might not be "the one." something good about this is that i feel truly forced to take it day by day, to trust God. i feel like i dont have a choice because taking more than one day at a time would be much too painful.
it seems every situation in my life shows me what a passionately feeling person i am. i'm realizing that i am the kind of person who throws and gives my whole self into the good things i see. unfortunately the opposite of great joy is great pain, and i truly believe you cant have one without the other. the pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal. i'm not sure who said that, and yes, i know it's a sucky deal, but it's life. life is pain, love is pain, and how depressing is this entry? joy wouldn't be as rich if we didn't have pain to compare it to, and if God hadn't given me the capacity to feel things fully, I dont think I'd be the kind of artist that I am, or that I would care about other people's pain so much. I have to take the bad with the good, feeling both fully is a part of who God has made me. it's not always an easy life, but i wouldn't want it a different way...at least most of the time i wouldn't. maybe this week i would.
I built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride -- jealous kind, jars of clay
8.18.2004
i will sing
today was much better at the temp job than yesterday...this was mainly because the semi-mean supervisor lady wasn't working with us and some very nice temp ladies came in and i was able to talk as much as i want with them and the other dude. plus, we finished off clifford around 11 and then it was on to the passion of the christ. my joy was made complete by some guy changing the radio from 107.5 to 94.7, my favorite station. so, the eight hours i worked only seemed like 100 instead of 200. oh well...another 200 tomorrow and i'll be done.
close my eyes and hold my heart cover me and make me something change this something normal into something beautiful
all i can think about is how long i've been waiting to feel you move me
and i'm still fighting for the word to break these chains and i still pray when i look in your eyes you'd stare right back down into something beautiful
i'm listening to jars of clay right now...that song is called (shockingly enough) "something beautiful." again referring to wild at heart, it talks a lot in there about how what women truly desire is to unveil their beauty...to have someone think they are beautiful. and it is so true! somehow as we grow up we come to believe the lie that we aren't pretty and no one is ever coming to rescue us...no one will ever fight for us. i dont know how i came to believe that, but somehow i did. i'm glad i don't really believe that anymore, but i cant say it's not still a struggle. it makes me sad to think of when i believed that...and when i still do. eldredge says our coming to believe that is usually caused by our fathers not showing us that we were beautiful. i cant see how my dad did that...so i am left with curiousity and concern about how i came to think that was true.
you have led me to the sadness i have carried this pain on a back bruised, nearly broken
i'm crying out to you
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
when death like a gypsy comes to steal what i love i will still look to the heavens
i will still seek your face but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words
just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
while we wait for the rescue with our eyes tightly shut face to the ground, holding our hands
to cover the fatal cut though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around you have calmed greater waters higher mountains have come down
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
-- the valley song, jars of clay
i absolutely love that song, every word. it gives me hope when i feel hopeless, and that's pretty impressive. i bolded that non-chorus part because it is my favorite. God has seriously given those jars boys a gift, being able to put my feelings, intense crazy painful human feelings, into words. go God, go jars.
that song makes me think of singing...everything makes me think of singing lately. because all i want to do is get out there and sing...sing in front of people, perform, share songs, SING! so i know i want to do it, need to do it, am dying for the joy that it brings, but i dont know how to do it. that's my main problem with most of my gifts/career paths...accountants can open up the paper and look for accountant jobs, but you cant find singer or artist in the paper. ok, maybe you can, but it's just not such a clear path. which is good, i think i would be bored with a clear path, but i still feel stuck with a massive desire to sing, confusion on how to do it, and some guilt for not getting off my butt and doing it yet.
ok, so i was supposed to post this yesterday, but i got interuptted and then (shocker!) the internet/my computer was being dumb. so i am talking about yesterday, but it's not really that day anymore. here's a quick rundown of today's exciting news...
1. i got my car fixed!!! soooo happy about that one.
2. i only had to work like two hours at the stickering place today. when told i could leave, i was filled with a mixture of intense joy and relief that i was going to be able to keep my sanity after all and slight remorse for the money i would lose. the former quickly won out and i enjoyed my afternoon of sticker-free freedom.
3. i didnt get the job at miller paint. a little disapointing, but i'm glad that i wont be stuck in the o.c. afterall.
since no one has replied to my previous blog addressed to the faithful "the life of liz" readers, i can only assume that there are no faithful "the life of liz" blog readers. oh well. i feel like that girl on the princess diaries who finds out her cable access show only reaches 5 people. but maybe someday i'll be mia thermopolis and have a chance to speak to the whole (fictional) country of genovia...a girl can dream, right?
close my eyes and hold my heart cover me and make me something change this something normal into something beautiful
all i can think about is how long i've been waiting to feel you move me
and i'm still fighting for the word to break these chains and i still pray when i look in your eyes you'd stare right back down into something beautiful
i'm listening to jars of clay right now...that song is called (shockingly enough) "something beautiful." again referring to wild at heart, it talks a lot in there about how what women truly desire is to unveil their beauty...to have someone think they are beautiful. and it is so true! somehow as we grow up we come to believe the lie that we aren't pretty and no one is ever coming to rescue us...no one will ever fight for us. i dont know how i came to believe that, but somehow i did. i'm glad i don't really believe that anymore, but i cant say it's not still a struggle. it makes me sad to think of when i believed that...and when i still do. eldredge says our coming to believe that is usually caused by our fathers not showing us that we were beautiful. i cant see how my dad did that...so i am left with curiousity and concern about how i came to think that was true.
you have led me to the sadness i have carried this pain on a back bruised, nearly broken
i'm crying out to you
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
when death like a gypsy comes to steal what i love i will still look to the heavens
i will still seek your face but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words
just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
while we wait for the rescue with our eyes tightly shut face to the ground, holding our hands
to cover the fatal cut though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around you have calmed greater waters higher mountains have come down
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
-- the valley song, jars of clay
i absolutely love that song, every word. it gives me hope when i feel hopeless, and that's pretty impressive. i bolded that non-chorus part because it is my favorite. God has seriously given those jars boys a gift, being able to put my feelings, intense crazy painful human feelings, into words. go God, go jars.
that song makes me think of singing...everything makes me think of singing lately. because all i want to do is get out there and sing...sing in front of people, perform, share songs, SING! so i know i want to do it, need to do it, am dying for the joy that it brings, but i dont know how to do it. that's my main problem with most of my gifts/career paths...accountants can open up the paper and look for accountant jobs, but you cant find singer or artist in the paper. ok, maybe you can, but it's just not such a clear path. which is good, i think i would be bored with a clear path, but i still feel stuck with a massive desire to sing, confusion on how to do it, and some guilt for not getting off my butt and doing it yet.
ok, so i was supposed to post this yesterday, but i got interuptted and then (shocker!) the internet/my computer was being dumb. so i am talking about yesterday, but it's not really that day anymore. here's a quick rundown of today's exciting news...
1. i got my car fixed!!! soooo happy about that one.
2. i only had to work like two hours at the stickering place today. when told i could leave, i was filled with a mixture of intense joy and relief that i was going to be able to keep my sanity after all and slight remorse for the money i would lose. the former quickly won out and i enjoyed my afternoon of sticker-free freedom.
3. i didnt get the job at miller paint. a little disapointing, but i'm glad that i wont be stuck in the o.c. afterall.
since no one has replied to my previous blog addressed to the faithful "the life of liz" readers, i can only assume that there are no faithful "the life of liz" blog readers. oh well. i feel like that girl on the princess diaries who finds out her cable access show only reaches 5 people. but maybe someday i'll be mia thermopolis and have a chance to speak to the whole (fictional) country of genovia...a girl can dream, right?
8.17.2004
before i was famous
today i acquired a temp job putting labels on videos and dvds. that was about all i knew as my dad drove me there, and i had a large fear that said videos and dvds might be porn. they had also told me not to wear loose clothing, and i somehow related that to my fear. however, to my relief, ingraham entertainment was not a porn manufacturer. i spent the whole day putting price stickers on "clifford's really big movie." after being subtlely reprimanded for saying like two sentences to another temp guy, i accepted my silent fate and kept on stickering. thus, i had lots of time to think, in particular of all the odd jobs i've done. i figure i'll post a list, so that when i'm famous, one of you can sell it to us magazine for one of their "what celebrities did before they were famous!"articles.
1. folding five garbage bags full of clean socks for $10/hr.
2. watering plants at home depot for four tortuous days
3. stickering videos and dvds
4. helping cut down trees in a poison oak infested forest for a theatre set
5. cutting out hundreds of paper paw prints for gfu registration day
6. scanning countless huge binders full of interior design slides for almost a year
so there you have it. i'm not the glamorous person i appear to be. i, in fact, am so desperate for money that i will sticker clifford movies for three days. all i really have to say is, it should have been called "clifford's big red movie" because he's clifford the big red dog! that came to me after hours of sticking and thinking the title was dumb. so at the end of the day i ask the supervisor lady if i can bring a walkman tomorrow (since you know, i only needed to speak like three times all day and it's not like it's a question-intense job or anything like that) and she said no. fine! if you want to be miserable, i guess i'll be right there with ya! nah, it's not that bad, and i am muy thankful to be making some money.
on a more serious note, i thought i'd ask all of you dedicated the life of liz blog readers about your opinion on an issue. what do you think about listening to God and getting messages from him? like trying to seek God's answer to a question like "what school should i go to?" or "should i take this job?" and how do you know when it's him talking and not yourself, satan, a radio next door, etc. ? i have some opinions on this, but i am curious to know what you all think first. so comment on this blog if you feel so inclined.
"these are the days that must happen to you." -- walt whitman
1. folding five garbage bags full of clean socks for $10/hr.
2. watering plants at home depot for four tortuous days
3. stickering videos and dvds
4. helping cut down trees in a poison oak infested forest for a theatre set
5. cutting out hundreds of paper paw prints for gfu registration day
6. scanning countless huge binders full of interior design slides for almost a year
so there you have it. i'm not the glamorous person i appear to be. i, in fact, am so desperate for money that i will sticker clifford movies for three days. all i really have to say is, it should have been called "clifford's big red movie" because he's clifford the big red dog! that came to me after hours of sticking and thinking the title was dumb. so at the end of the day i ask the supervisor lady if i can bring a walkman tomorrow (since you know, i only needed to speak like three times all day and it's not like it's a question-intense job or anything like that) and she said no. fine! if you want to be miserable, i guess i'll be right there with ya! nah, it's not that bad, and i am muy thankful to be making some money.
on a more serious note, i thought i'd ask all of you dedicated the life of liz blog readers about your opinion on an issue. what do you think about listening to God and getting messages from him? like trying to seek God's answer to a question like "what school should i go to?" or "should i take this job?" and how do you know when it's him talking and not yourself, satan, a radio next door, etc. ? i have some opinions on this, but i am curious to know what you all think first. so comment on this blog if you feel so inclined.
"these are the days that must happen to you." -- walt whitman
8.14.2004
day by brutal day
brace yourself: this might be a little depressing. so i think i already knew this, but i have come to fully realize that i am in a very sucky place right now. see, i am living with my dad and my brother and i hate it since my parents are going through a divorce. plus, i dont really have a job, so i dont have any money to move out. plus, my car is broken, and i need a few benjamins to fix it. so i have to pay for that first before i can move the heck out of here!
but i think things are looking up. first, i think i figured out where i want to live for awhile...mcminnville. it's a cool town full of cool people. plus, it's close to the berg which is also home to some more cool people. plus, i have an interview at miller paint in oregon city. which wont really work out if i want to live in mcminnville, but oh well. today i made some money babysitting, which was very nice. so now i only need 2.5 benjamins. yeah!
i hope i dont sound like a pathetic complainer...this is just the way things are right now. i cant wait til i have my own place again...it will truly be a beautiful thing. so i forgot to mention some of my other favorite kids...they are my favorite 16 month olds, and I can have two because they are twins. leo and soren. i know, those names are to die for! they are who i babysat for today, which is always a fun but exhausting experience. two very active little boys i tell ya! but so dang adorable. they are such little charmers...flash you a smile and you melt.
ok, i feel like i am pointlessly babbling. i guess it's ok not to always have something profound to say. oh yeah! i wanted to say i watched kill bill vol.2 the other night and i was a little disapointed. it was chock full of long speeches of explanation that i could have done without. it just wasnt as riveting as the first. there was one crazy freaky part though...where uma plucks this lady's eye ball out! then she steps on it with her bare feet and squashes it between her toes. now THAT'S bad ass!
but i think things are looking up. first, i think i figured out where i want to live for awhile...mcminnville. it's a cool town full of cool people. plus, it's close to the berg which is also home to some more cool people. plus, i have an interview at miller paint in oregon city. which wont really work out if i want to live in mcminnville, but oh well. today i made some money babysitting, which was very nice. so now i only need 2.5 benjamins. yeah!
i hope i dont sound like a pathetic complainer...this is just the way things are right now. i cant wait til i have my own place again...it will truly be a beautiful thing. so i forgot to mention some of my other favorite kids...they are my favorite 16 month olds, and I can have two because they are twins. leo and soren. i know, those names are to die for! they are who i babysat for today, which is always a fun but exhausting experience. two very active little boys i tell ya! but so dang adorable. they are such little charmers...flash you a smile and you melt.
ok, i feel like i am pointlessly babbling. i guess it's ok not to always have something profound to say. oh yeah! i wanted to say i watched kill bill vol.2 the other night and i was a little disapointed. it was chock full of long speeches of explanation that i could have done without. it just wasnt as riveting as the first. there was one crazy freaky part though...where uma plucks this lady's eye ball out! then she steps on it with her bare feet and squashes it between her toes. now THAT'S bad ass!
8.12.2004
future me
i just have one quick thing to say. everyone should go to this cool website i just found, www.futureme.org. you can write yourself a letter to be delivered at any time in the future that you specify. i chose one year. you can also read what other people wrote to themselves...some of them are pretty damn funny.
also, if you want to see some sweet art (and i know you do!!!) go to www.sabrinawardharrison.com. that's who i'm interning for. she rocks big time! speaking of rocking, i played the drums today for the first time in forever! it was pretty much orgasmic. I LOVE PLAYING THE DRUMS! must...join...band....soon! do it!
the place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. -- frederick buechner
also, if you want to see some sweet art (and i know you do!!!) go to www.sabrinawardharrison.com. that's who i'm interning for. she rocks big time! speaking of rocking, i played the drums today for the first time in forever! it was pretty much orgasmic. I LOVE PLAYING THE DRUMS! must...join...band....soon! do it!
the place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. -- frederick buechner
8.11.2004
desperately dependent
my daddy is so nice. today he took me a temp agency and waited a grueling THREE HOURS for me to finish my business there, which included filling out about a million papers with my name and address, taking a typing/word/excel/10-key aptitude test, and even peeing in a cup. all i have to say is, i better damn well get a job out of this one. oh, and by the way, no, i am NOT going to nor have i ever filed a false workman's comp claim! so stop asking me!!!
tonight brian and possibly tim are coming over to watch kill bill vol. 2 and eat nachos. i am so excited. i havent been able to wait to see it since i watched the first one with brian while eating nachos. even if you hate bloody violence, you should see it because (and this is such an artsy thing to say) it is a beautiful film, completely riveting.
last night i was reading wild at heart and eldredge said, "ours was meant to be a desperately dependent existence." we're the branches, God is the trunk. right then and there i realized i wasn't depending on God nearly enough with this whole job search/can i afford to move to SF thing. i'm torn because part of me thinks i should be reckless and crazy and go move in to a place i dont even know and somehow get a job in sf and just go for it in less than a month...but another part of me thinks that's totally financially and logistically unrealistic. i mean, right now i just need money to get my car fixed. of course, i need a car to take me to the job to make the money...and thus, i label this situation with my current favorite word: conundrum. i guess my big question is...what does God want me to do? i learned over the course of college that God's will isnt like a tightrope (i heard that somewhere) and i fully believe that God will bless the path i choose, but i feel like he's got to have some ideal path in his mind, and i dont want to miss that.
"when we begin to offer not only our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful." (another eldredge quote) i think that is so rad because over the last few years i feel like that is exactly what i've wanted my art to be: a union of talent and honesty. i think honesty is what people respond to the strongest, the idea that they are not alone in their crazy messed up feelings and lives. the truth is so beautiful...even if it is hard and dark. i think we find true meaning and beauty in the places we try the hardest to avoid...our weaknesses and shortfalls. as usual, dan haseltine says it best...
we were looking for redemption it was hidden in the landscape of loss and love and fire and rain i never would have come this way looking for redemption -dan haseltine
tonight brian and possibly tim are coming over to watch kill bill vol. 2 and eat nachos. i am so excited. i havent been able to wait to see it since i watched the first one with brian while eating nachos. even if you hate bloody violence, you should see it because (and this is such an artsy thing to say) it is a beautiful film, completely riveting.
last night i was reading wild at heart and eldredge said, "ours was meant to be a desperately dependent existence." we're the branches, God is the trunk. right then and there i realized i wasn't depending on God nearly enough with this whole job search/can i afford to move to SF thing. i'm torn because part of me thinks i should be reckless and crazy and go move in to a place i dont even know and somehow get a job in sf and just go for it in less than a month...but another part of me thinks that's totally financially and logistically unrealistic. i mean, right now i just need money to get my car fixed. of course, i need a car to take me to the job to make the money...and thus, i label this situation with my current favorite word: conundrum. i guess my big question is...what does God want me to do? i learned over the course of college that God's will isnt like a tightrope (i heard that somewhere) and i fully believe that God will bless the path i choose, but i feel like he's got to have some ideal path in his mind, and i dont want to miss that.
"when we begin to offer not only our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful." (another eldredge quote) i think that is so rad because over the last few years i feel like that is exactly what i've wanted my art to be: a union of talent and honesty. i think honesty is what people respond to the strongest, the idea that they are not alone in their crazy messed up feelings and lives. the truth is so beautiful...even if it is hard and dark. i think we find true meaning and beauty in the places we try the hardest to avoid...our weaknesses and shortfalls. as usual, dan haseltine says it best...
we were looking for redemption it was hidden in the landscape of loss and love and fire and rain i never would have come this way looking for redemption -dan haseltine
8.09.2004
another boring late night
i am doing my post-college nightly routine, which involves sitting in what was formerly my dad's recliner, watching tv, taking care of email and internet business, watching the 11 o clock news, and then enjoying the best that late night tv has to offer. i choose between letterman and leno by who has the best guests, and then if i'm still awake after that, it's all about the conan. that guy is so hilarious, he pretty much single handedly inspired me to watch late night tv in the first place.
today mostly consisted of sleeping and job searching. tomorrow i have got to fax/email about a million resumes. i'm so dang reluctant to apply for these jobs because i'm afraid i'll get stuck in oregon living at home. but i need money and i can quit whenever i want, so i need to just do it. i applied at two starbucks today! i truly am a college art graduate! this last year at our art academy awards, there was a whole spoof on how gfu art alumni staff all the local coffee shops. it was funny because it was true...well, i'm not laughing any more.
so leno wins tonight because tom cruise is on. plus it's monday so he does headlines which are pretty hilarious. i really miss my new man, matt. or matty as i like to call him. yes, i am one of those pathetic girls that misses their boyfriend when they just saw them yesterday. this hot weather has got to stop NOW! i hate it, i hate it, i hate it! it makes me never want to leave my home. what has happened to my wonderful, rainy, cold state of oregon? evil global warming...
today mostly consisted of sleeping and job searching. tomorrow i have got to fax/email about a million resumes. i'm so dang reluctant to apply for these jobs because i'm afraid i'll get stuck in oregon living at home. but i need money and i can quit whenever i want, so i need to just do it. i applied at two starbucks today! i truly am a college art graduate! this last year at our art academy awards, there was a whole spoof on how gfu art alumni staff all the local coffee shops. it was funny because it was true...well, i'm not laughing any more.
so leno wins tonight because tom cruise is on. plus it's monday so he does headlines which are pretty hilarious. i really miss my new man, matt. or matty as i like to call him. yes, i am one of those pathetic girls that misses their boyfriend when they just saw them yesterday. this hot weather has got to stop NOW! i hate it, i hate it, i hate it! it makes me never want to leave my home. what has happened to my wonderful, rainy, cold state of oregon? evil global warming...
8.07.2004
wild at heart, caged at home
so i am reading this book called wild at heart by john eldridge. i'm diggin it so far, and here's one reason why. one cool point he makes is that both men and women were created in the image of God, therefore both men and women reveal something essential about the heart of God. i think that's pretty darn rad. he sums up men as revealing God's strength, and women as revealing God's beauty. Both strength and beauty are fundamental parts of who God is, and that is why we are so captivated by what we see in ourselves and in each other. pretty awesome, i think. women want to be loved...it is an essential part of who we are...and that reveals to us that God, too, wants to be loved, longs for us to worship and admire him and who he is.
so my dad is having a garage sale today and my brother is trying to take my stuff out of the shop and shove it somewhere else. i told him to put it back, dammit, i need somewhere to put my stuff, too. dont even start with me right now, liz...he says. i'll just end up yelling at you. okay, fine. have two cars and a welding studio and a weight room and nevermind me, i'll just shove my drumset, my art studio, and all my other crap into my room. yeah...right. sometimes i really cant wait to move out again. other times, i'm happy because this place is free. free as in no rent, but not free as in no stress or annoying loud music or brothers who think they own the world. my parents are going through a divorce right now, something i thought would never, ever happen to me, but...shocker! it did. and it is. and living with my dad during this time is not cool. even though he says my brother and i being here saved his life...but no pressure! if you werent here, i surely would have ended it all, but please, go and find your own place. it all comes back to the evil $, with which i will hopefully sometime soon aquire a haven of some sort. with an art studio. and a place for my drums.
if my life is for rent and i dont want to buy then i desire nothing more than i get, for nothing i have is truly mine -- dido
so my dad is having a garage sale today and my brother is trying to take my stuff out of the shop and shove it somewhere else. i told him to put it back, dammit, i need somewhere to put my stuff, too. dont even start with me right now, liz...he says. i'll just end up yelling at you. okay, fine. have two cars and a welding studio and a weight room and nevermind me, i'll just shove my drumset, my art studio, and all my other crap into my room. yeah...right. sometimes i really cant wait to move out again. other times, i'm happy because this place is free. free as in no rent, but not free as in no stress or annoying loud music or brothers who think they own the world. my parents are going through a divorce right now, something i thought would never, ever happen to me, but...shocker! it did. and it is. and living with my dad during this time is not cool. even though he says my brother and i being here saved his life...but no pressure! if you werent here, i surely would have ended it all, but please, go and find your own place. it all comes back to the evil $, with which i will hopefully sometime soon aquire a haven of some sort. with an art studio. and a place for my drums.
if my life is for rent and i dont want to buy then i desire nothing more than i get, for nothing i have is truly mine -- dido
8.05.2004
the blog bandwagon
yep, i've jumped on it. the blog bandwagon that is. it's hard to say how often i will blog, since i already have my journal, but the goal is often. i have lots of thoughts, and lots of words to say, and would like to share them with my friends, family, enemies, the general public, etc. today was a good day...so far. my new man matt took me out on his motorcycle for a surprise. that's right...i've got a new man, AND he has a motorcycle. now i am like this total biker babe. it's pretty sweet. i never planned on being a biker babe, but it makes me feel bad ass, and anything that makes me feel bad ass is ok with me.
i'm just chillin at the cummings', watching matea and shamelessly using thier fast internet. ok, so i'm not really watching matea at the moment, she's sleeping, but you get the picture. matea is the cutest 18 month old that i know. geneva is the cutest 20 month old, and i just might have met the cutest 8 month old the other day, a little girl named claire. yeah, i freaking love kids. especially babies. they make my life happy. i dont think i've ever really accepted the whole 'growing up' thing, and perhaps that is why i love kids so much. i want the privileges of an adult with the freedom of childhood...ahh, yes, the perfect life.
after about 3 months of sheer post-college boredom and self-doubt, God (or the big G as i sometimes like to call him) decided it was finally time to drop some good stuff on me. in one day (the best day i'd had in 3 months) he sent me matt, a possible internship, and a load of new friends. it was like, BAM! look what three months of late nights with conan has earned you! a life! finally. i was really starting to doubt it's arrival. frankly, i owe it all to my good friend shanna and a wonderful organization called the ipnc (international pinot noir festival). she hooked me up with a job with them and wa-la! boyfriend, money, friends, internship...and best of all, finally feeling content again with the big G. remembering how much he loves me. i've always said that i love him, but i've doubted rather i really mean it or not. well, he gave me a revelation....i love him for loving me. and since i know he loves me, i know i love him. because that's why i love him. follow me?
so yesterday (approx 2 weeks after ipnc) God decided it was time for some more good news. i don't often pray specific prayers, but i did recently and God said yes. in the search for something meaningful to start my career off with, there was one thing that i really wanted...an internship with sabrina ward harrison, my most favorite artist ever. she is a huge influence/inspriration on my art, and i decided to shoot her an email begging for an internship. yesterday i talked to her office assistant on the phone, and.... she offered me an internship! i freaking couldnt believe it. i mean, i still dont, to be honest. finally...the opportunity i've been waiting for has landed in my lap. just like my great friends said it would.
in order to do the internship, which is unpaid (dont even get me started on how stupid i think money is), i have to get some kind of other job to make said evil money. so today i started a full throttle maniac job search (it's amazing what a little motivation can do for you...i got up approx 4 hours earlier than usual) in the hopes of making as much money as possible as quickly as possible so that maybe i can go to san francisco in september. i can do the internship from home, but going to the source is of course what i really want.
so, things are going so well i cant even believe it. yet i should. ask, and it shall be given to you. seek, and you will find. knock, and the door will be opened unto you ... for who of you, though you are human, would give your son a stone if he asked for a fish? or a rock if he asked for a snake? if you then, though you are human, know how to give good gifts, how much more does your father who loves you? for every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -- the liz hughes' memory translation of the bible
i'm just chillin at the cummings', watching matea and shamelessly using thier fast internet. ok, so i'm not really watching matea at the moment, she's sleeping, but you get the picture. matea is the cutest 18 month old that i know. geneva is the cutest 20 month old, and i just might have met the cutest 8 month old the other day, a little girl named claire. yeah, i freaking love kids. especially babies. they make my life happy. i dont think i've ever really accepted the whole 'growing up' thing, and perhaps that is why i love kids so much. i want the privileges of an adult with the freedom of childhood...ahh, yes, the perfect life.
after about 3 months of sheer post-college boredom and self-doubt, God (or the big G as i sometimes like to call him) decided it was finally time to drop some good stuff on me. in one day (the best day i'd had in 3 months) he sent me matt, a possible internship, and a load of new friends. it was like, BAM! look what three months of late nights with conan has earned you! a life! finally. i was really starting to doubt it's arrival. frankly, i owe it all to my good friend shanna and a wonderful organization called the ipnc (international pinot noir festival). she hooked me up with a job with them and wa-la! boyfriend, money, friends, internship...and best of all, finally feeling content again with the big G. remembering how much he loves me. i've always said that i love him, but i've doubted rather i really mean it or not. well, he gave me a revelation....i love him for loving me. and since i know he loves me, i know i love him. because that's why i love him. follow me?
so yesterday (approx 2 weeks after ipnc) God decided it was time for some more good news. i don't often pray specific prayers, but i did recently and God said yes. in the search for something meaningful to start my career off with, there was one thing that i really wanted...an internship with sabrina ward harrison, my most favorite artist ever. she is a huge influence/inspriration on my art, and i decided to shoot her an email begging for an internship. yesterday i talked to her office assistant on the phone, and.... she offered me an internship! i freaking couldnt believe it. i mean, i still dont, to be honest. finally...the opportunity i've been waiting for has landed in my lap. just like my great friends said it would.
in order to do the internship, which is unpaid (dont even get me started on how stupid i think money is), i have to get some kind of other job to make said evil money. so today i started a full throttle maniac job search (it's amazing what a little motivation can do for you...i got up approx 4 hours earlier than usual) in the hopes of making as much money as possible as quickly as possible so that maybe i can go to san francisco in september. i can do the internship from home, but going to the source is of course what i really want.
so, things are going so well i cant even believe it. yet i should. ask, and it shall be given to you. seek, and you will find. knock, and the door will be opened unto you ... for who of you, though you are human, would give your son a stone if he asked for a fish? or a rock if he asked for a snake? if you then, though you are human, know how to give good gifts, how much more does your father who loves you? for every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -- the liz hughes' memory translation of the bible
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