riding in the passenger seat
grey blur of road, blueness of sky
complacent
sudden flash of red
BAM!
no time
brief blackness
deflating airbags
pain and shock
spidered, broken glass
sluggish and slow
call 911!
try to get out
my door wont open enough
am i okay?
stranger helps me out
pain in my leg
pain in my neck
pain in my face
lips burning
stranger helps me to the grass
car on fire
why aren't they putting it out?
stranger pulls me up
by my armpits
get away from the car!
i don't want my purse to burn up.
danielle gazes past me, in shock.
sirens, voices
the sound of my own crying
neck brace strapped around me
emt propping me up
aching back
you need to calm down.
sobbing, choking
i want my family.
you need to try and calm down.
laid flat on my back
pant leg chopped open with scissors
does this hurt?
does this hurt?
strapped to a back board
dont move your neck.
blue tape stretched over my forehead
over my chin.
i couldn't move if i wanted to
waiting, tears streaming
pale blue sky and evergreen branches
voices of people i cannot see
boughs blowing in the soft wind
lifted up, put in ambulance
my name is pat.
are you having trouble breathing?
questions, questions, questions
i crack some jokes, because i'm scared
danielle still beside me
bumpy ride
searing pain in my head
ambulance roof, white metal
gray strip of cushion
running down the middle
south shore hospital
please take off this blue tape.
it hurts so bad.
more questions
more strangers
i want my mommy.
shadow of a moth
trapped in the ceiling light
something to focus on
put her in room 32.
we'll take it off as soon as we can.
i cant stand the pain
left alone in room 32
on a back board, on a gurney
no one comes
the pain and pressure build
white lights, blinding
blurry television, bob saget
checkerboard ceiling panels
blurred through my tears
clawing at the blue tape
i manage to loosen it
rebellious, i grope for my cell
call tim, the only friend i have
in my new home
leave frightened message
finally nurse comes
tape removed
sweet freedom
my new bed is like clouds
compared to the rock hard backboard
dr. murphy
he's hot
he pokes me everywhere
sometimes it hurts
hours alone, flat on my back
calming down
x-rays, left alone in hallways
waiting for transport
God, Jesus, what are you trying to tell me?
nothing? anything?
all i know right now is
i am still alive
9.20.2005
9.14.2005
someday i will be loved
yesterday was my second day at work and it was much better. i guess i just felt more comfortable my the end of the day. i've been listening to death cab for cutie's new cd, plans, as tim is in love with them and i am going to their show with him next month. this one song stole my heart as soon as i heard it, so i am going to share the words with you, because that is what i do when this happens.
"Someday You Will Be Loved"
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
i am getting this anxious feeling like i have to do it all...and my all, i mean, show my work in galleries, make art, set up a studio, join a band...why do the things i love become items on my to do list? and why am i so lazy? i used to be so motivated back in high school, i did all of my homework and all of those extracurriculars and now all i want to do after work is sleep. i hate it. i long for the motivation i need to sustain me and all of my dreams and ambitions. i am never going to accomplish anything at this snail's pace. so frustrating. how do i choose how to spend my free time, the precious free time when i'm not tired? how can i find the balance between being patient with myself and pursuing what i want wholeheartedly?
"Someday You Will Be Loved"
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
i am getting this anxious feeling like i have to do it all...and my all, i mean, show my work in galleries, make art, set up a studio, join a band...why do the things i love become items on my to do list? and why am i so lazy? i used to be so motivated back in high school, i did all of my homework and all of those extracurriculars and now all i want to do after work is sleep. i hate it. i long for the motivation i need to sustain me and all of my dreams and ambitions. i am never going to accomplish anything at this snail's pace. so frustrating. how do i choose how to spend my free time, the precious free time when i'm not tired? how can i find the balance between being patient with myself and pursuing what i want wholeheartedly?
9.12.2005
i miss oregon
today was my first day at my new job. it was weird. i think i'll like it eventually but i have everyone there telling me that the first few months will be weird. so my first few months in boston will be weird, and my first few months at my job will be weird...fun times! at this moment, i want to go home. but i dont at the same time. i just want my oregon friends and family. and i want instant joy here, but i know i have to earn it. it's a pretty lonely place. don't get me wrong, my roomates are rad and i am getting to know some cool people, but none of them are my best friends.
i hate the feeling that i am just waiting for something exciting to happen, something to entertain me. that seems dangerous. it takes time to set up a quality support system, to make a life for yourself in a new city. the problem is, at times it's not very fun.
i hate the feeling that i am just waiting for something exciting to happen, something to entertain me. that seems dangerous. it takes time to set up a quality support system, to make a life for yourself in a new city. the problem is, at times it's not very fun.
9.11.2005
9.09.2005
better together
well, i am back to finish my story.
as the evening came on of our second day, we were heading through illinois for chicago. i just kept right on driving, and brian and i just kept right on talking. we were having one of those great, honest, best friend conversations and brian declared, "i think i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!" i had my doubts about this claim, and they were confirmed when brian passed out next to me about an hour later, apparently bored to death from my endless rambling. we had already passed through the bright lights of the windy city, and i kept going for as long as i could, eventually stopping for gas at a truck stop in illinois or indiana. "brian..." i whined. "i'm tired." he mumbled something about staying at the truck stop for awhile, so i pulled the car into an emptier section of the parking lot and tried my hand at sleeping with the steering wheel. not pleasant. brian slept on like a baby, undisturbed by the lights and noises and steering wheels that kept waking me up, not to mention the worry that once brian regained consciousness he was going to be pissed that we had stopped for so long. after about four hours, i decided to wake up and keep going. i downed some red bull, chewed on some bubblicious, and drove on until the sun rose and brian finally awoke. he declared that this was the moment of the road trip for which he was most proud of me, for continuing on while he was incapacitated. i only had one reply: "i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!"
we calculated that we should arrive in boston around 7 pm that evening, and soon brian took up driving again for the rest of the journey. road trip nastiness was setting in...we both stank and needed to shave, our tummies hurt from too many snacks...and i was becoming delirious from being trapped in the car for two days and starting to get sad about moving. we passed through indiana, ohio, and pennsylvania, and somewhere in there we had to pay our first toll. brian was still asleep at this point, and i went into the "exact change" lane on accident. well, i didn't have exact change, so i threw what i had into the metal bucket and then roused brian for guidance. he suggested getting out and walking over to the booth to pay the lady, and, despite my doubts, i exited the vehicle. people immediately began honking and shouting, the toll booth lady yelled "get back in your car! just go! get back in your car!" embarrassed and humilated, i ran back to the car and sped off as fast as i could.
we passed the afternoon by driving right through the middle of the beautiful state of new york. i was innocently enjoying the scenery when all of sudden brian struck me in the throat. he didn't hit me that hard, but he scared me and i started gasping for breath and crying and laughing at the same time. a lesser man might have freaked out about this reaction, but brian just pulled over and let me sob for awhile. for the last few years, i seem to need some kind of trigger to actually start crying when i need to cry. apparently, brian smacking me in the throat triggered my sadness about moving and leaving everyone, so i let it all out at a rest stop in new york city, and then we headed onward.
around 8 pm eastern time, approximately 54 hours after starting our journey, we finally located my new home in boston. we had been driving for 2.25 days and shelled out around $300 for gas and $30 for tolls. my wonderful little car, now aptly nicknamed the rhinestone cowboy, made it 3200 miles without incident. brian and i spent two lovely days in boston, and then we said goodbye at the subway station in harvard sqaure. i cried, of course, and watched him descend the stairs into the subway before turning around and walking into my new life, all by myself.
as the evening came on of our second day, we were heading through illinois for chicago. i just kept right on driving, and brian and i just kept right on talking. we were having one of those great, honest, best friend conversations and brian declared, "i think i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!" i had my doubts about this claim, and they were confirmed when brian passed out next to me about an hour later, apparently bored to death from my endless rambling. we had already passed through the bright lights of the windy city, and i kept going for as long as i could, eventually stopping for gas at a truck stop in illinois or indiana. "brian..." i whined. "i'm tired." he mumbled something about staying at the truck stop for awhile, so i pulled the car into an emptier section of the parking lot and tried my hand at sleeping with the steering wheel. not pleasant. brian slept on like a baby, undisturbed by the lights and noises and steering wheels that kept waking me up, not to mention the worry that once brian regained consciousness he was going to be pissed that we had stopped for so long. after about four hours, i decided to wake up and keep going. i downed some red bull, chewed on some bubblicious, and drove on until the sun rose and brian finally awoke. he declared that this was the moment of the road trip for which he was most proud of me, for continuing on while he was incapacitated. i only had one reply: "i could stay awake for the rest of the trip!"
we calculated that we should arrive in boston around 7 pm that evening, and soon brian took up driving again for the rest of the journey. road trip nastiness was setting in...we both stank and needed to shave, our tummies hurt from too many snacks...and i was becoming delirious from being trapped in the car for two days and starting to get sad about moving. we passed through indiana, ohio, and pennsylvania, and somewhere in there we had to pay our first toll. brian was still asleep at this point, and i went into the "exact change" lane on accident. well, i didn't have exact change, so i threw what i had into the metal bucket and then roused brian for guidance. he suggested getting out and walking over to the booth to pay the lady, and, despite my doubts, i exited the vehicle. people immediately began honking and shouting, the toll booth lady yelled "get back in your car! just go! get back in your car!" embarrassed and humilated, i ran back to the car and sped off as fast as i could.
we passed the afternoon by driving right through the middle of the beautiful state of new york. i was innocently enjoying the scenery when all of sudden brian struck me in the throat. he didn't hit me that hard, but he scared me and i started gasping for breath and crying and laughing at the same time. a lesser man might have freaked out about this reaction, but brian just pulled over and let me sob for awhile. for the last few years, i seem to need some kind of trigger to actually start crying when i need to cry. apparently, brian smacking me in the throat triggered my sadness about moving and leaving everyone, so i let it all out at a rest stop in new york city, and then we headed onward.
around 8 pm eastern time, approximately 54 hours after starting our journey, we finally located my new home in boston. we had been driving for 2.25 days and shelled out around $300 for gas and $30 for tolls. my wonderful little car, now aptly nicknamed the rhinestone cowboy, made it 3200 miles without incident. brian and i spent two lovely days in boston, and then we said goodbye at the subway station in harvard sqaure. i cried, of course, and watched him descend the stairs into the subway before turning around and walking into my new life, all by myself.
9.08.2005
mama says...
i am in boston and back online, baby! i have finally located the free internet access at my new town library and now i am ready and rearing to blog! i know you all have been dying to hear about the road trip, so here goes...
we departed the beautiful blue and green state of oregon on wednesday evening, august 31st. i drove the relatively short 3 hours up to kemi's house in seattle, and we stayed the night there. kemi (unlike brian) was nice enough to give me a butt massage since my ass hurt from the driving. if only she could have come along for the rest of the ride. it was great to see kemi and her fam, and we took off for our big adventure the next morning, thursday, september 1st, at 10:45 am pacific time.
i made myself and brian proud by driving the first leg of the journey, a 7 hour trek that took us through washington, the tip of idaho, and finally to missoula, montana. i blasted the stereo, ate my mom's homemade cookies, and brian read harry potter like a mad man. he angered me greatly (okay, slightly) by reading ahead to the end and finding out who the half blood prince is and who dies. my ass kept aching, and i made brian shove my pillow under it for awhile, which slightly helped but made me extremely tall and made the angle of my leg on the gas pedal extremely awkward. we decided to stop for dinner at costco in missoula, despite my protest that costco doesn't sell tacky souvenirs. brian dared me to down the second half of his fruit smoothie in one gulp, and it made for a hilarious photo of me with tears dripping down my face. we observed that missoula had almost no attractive people, except for one man and woman who were of course married with three kids.
brian took the wheel for the next stretch, and we drove across montana as the sun began to set. he appeased me by stopping at a gas station so i could buy a tacky montana postcard, and then i began the long and difficult process of trying to fall asleep in a crammed car when your whole life is about to change. needless to say, it took two sleeping pills, one open window, four hours, and finally the soothing sounds of sarah mclachlan to put me to sleep. before i passed out, brian pulled over in the middle of nowhere and we got out to look at the stars. i cant remember if it was in montana or wyoming, but it was amazing. i have never seen so many constellations, so many tiny, flickering, white speckles of light. we stared in awe and remarked about how all of them are always there, we just can't usually see them in the bright lights of even a small city. the night passed in a weird state of feeling highly medicated and sleepy, yet waking up at every noise. brian ran over a rabbit and missed an exit and that woke me up...i stared at him, half awake, and he snapped "what are you looking at?" it was pretty funny. he chugged red bull and so we stopped every couple of hours so he could pee. at like 3 am, we stopped at a tiny gas station and store in wyoming, where there was a woman working who was atleast in her forties. brian asked her how much longer it would take to get to south dakota (he was estimating about two) and she started naming off cities and then said, "mama says 6 hours." brian questioned her a little, and she repeated, "well, mama says 6 hours and i always listen to what mama says" in her twangy wyoming drawl. it took two hours, but brian and i repeated "mama says" countless times on the rest of the trip.
when i finally woke up, we were in south dakota and brian had been driving for ten hours. we stopped and changed into some fresh clothes, and i re-assumed my role of daytime driver while brian attempted the troublesome sleeping thing. we passed by the badlands and a million signs for wall drug and the world famous corn palace, and by the time we passed into minnesota brian was finally asleep. about ten miles into the evil land of minnesota, i was promptly pulled over for speeding, thus waking brian from his slumber. "90 in a 70," officer olsen reported to me, "and it took me four miles to catch up with you." crap. my luck with countless warnings had surely run out, and he issued me a $137 ticket, which of course he knew i wouldn't be coming back to minnesota to contest. brian and i decided right then and there that minnesota was stupid, and nothing happened on the rest of the drive across to change our minds.
after minnesota came wisonsin, which i recall being relatively boring but atleast not stupid. if my memory serves me (and it probably doesn't) it was somewhere around here that we broke out good ol' micheal jackson number ones and had ourselves a grand singalong. i danced, too, but brian forced me to keep one hand on the wheel at all times. we bonded over the glorious "man in the mirror" which brian loved as a child. he recalled being seven or eight and having the stomach flu, laying weak on the floor in bathroom from constant vomiting, and then hearing that music video come on mtv in the living room. he loved that song so much that he pulled his weary body on the floor by his elbows and crawled into the room to see it. now that's dedication. brian was hysterical singing along, and i got chills from the key change. it was damn hilarious.
stay tuned for the next installment of the road trip entry, including such intriguing stories as...
* why people should have to take a course on toll booths before ever passing through one
* why people should never suddenly strike emotionally fragile women
* and why people should never make ludicrous claims when they are sleep-deprived
we departed the beautiful blue and green state of oregon on wednesday evening, august 31st. i drove the relatively short 3 hours up to kemi's house in seattle, and we stayed the night there. kemi (unlike brian) was nice enough to give me a butt massage since my ass hurt from the driving. if only she could have come along for the rest of the ride. it was great to see kemi and her fam, and we took off for our big adventure the next morning, thursday, september 1st, at 10:45 am pacific time.
i made myself and brian proud by driving the first leg of the journey, a 7 hour trek that took us through washington, the tip of idaho, and finally to missoula, montana. i blasted the stereo, ate my mom's homemade cookies, and brian read harry potter like a mad man. he angered me greatly (okay, slightly) by reading ahead to the end and finding out who the half blood prince is and who dies. my ass kept aching, and i made brian shove my pillow under it for awhile, which slightly helped but made me extremely tall and made the angle of my leg on the gas pedal extremely awkward. we decided to stop for dinner at costco in missoula, despite my protest that costco doesn't sell tacky souvenirs. brian dared me to down the second half of his fruit smoothie in one gulp, and it made for a hilarious photo of me with tears dripping down my face. we observed that missoula had almost no attractive people, except for one man and woman who were of course married with three kids.
brian took the wheel for the next stretch, and we drove across montana as the sun began to set. he appeased me by stopping at a gas station so i could buy a tacky montana postcard, and then i began the long and difficult process of trying to fall asleep in a crammed car when your whole life is about to change. needless to say, it took two sleeping pills, one open window, four hours, and finally the soothing sounds of sarah mclachlan to put me to sleep. before i passed out, brian pulled over in the middle of nowhere and we got out to look at the stars. i cant remember if it was in montana or wyoming, but it was amazing. i have never seen so many constellations, so many tiny, flickering, white speckles of light. we stared in awe and remarked about how all of them are always there, we just can't usually see them in the bright lights of even a small city. the night passed in a weird state of feeling highly medicated and sleepy, yet waking up at every noise. brian ran over a rabbit and missed an exit and that woke me up...i stared at him, half awake, and he snapped "what are you looking at?" it was pretty funny. he chugged red bull and so we stopped every couple of hours so he could pee. at like 3 am, we stopped at a tiny gas station and store in wyoming, where there was a woman working who was atleast in her forties. brian asked her how much longer it would take to get to south dakota (he was estimating about two) and she started naming off cities and then said, "mama says 6 hours." brian questioned her a little, and she repeated, "well, mama says 6 hours and i always listen to what mama says" in her twangy wyoming drawl. it took two hours, but brian and i repeated "mama says" countless times on the rest of the trip.
when i finally woke up, we were in south dakota and brian had been driving for ten hours. we stopped and changed into some fresh clothes, and i re-assumed my role of daytime driver while brian attempted the troublesome sleeping thing. we passed by the badlands and a million signs for wall drug and the world famous corn palace, and by the time we passed into minnesota brian was finally asleep. about ten miles into the evil land of minnesota, i was promptly pulled over for speeding, thus waking brian from his slumber. "90 in a 70," officer olsen reported to me, "and it took me four miles to catch up with you." crap. my luck with countless warnings had surely run out, and he issued me a $137 ticket, which of course he knew i wouldn't be coming back to minnesota to contest. brian and i decided right then and there that minnesota was stupid, and nothing happened on the rest of the drive across to change our minds.
after minnesota came wisonsin, which i recall being relatively boring but atleast not stupid. if my memory serves me (and it probably doesn't) it was somewhere around here that we broke out good ol' micheal jackson number ones and had ourselves a grand singalong. i danced, too, but brian forced me to keep one hand on the wheel at all times. we bonded over the glorious "man in the mirror" which brian loved as a child. he recalled being seven or eight and having the stomach flu, laying weak on the floor in bathroom from constant vomiting, and then hearing that music video come on mtv in the living room. he loved that song so much that he pulled his weary body on the floor by his elbows and crawled into the room to see it. now that's dedication. brian was hysterical singing along, and i got chills from the key change. it was damn hilarious.
stay tuned for the next installment of the road trip entry, including such intriguing stories as...
* why people should have to take a course on toll booths before ever passing through one
* why people should never suddenly strike emotionally fragile women
* and why people should never make ludicrous claims when they are sleep-deprived
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