i HAD to post this. i just saw a lady at my work, with a mullet, wearing a t-shirt that said "talk show material" on the front. does that sum up my last blog entry or what? i wish i had a photo to post (although that might be kind of mean) because seeing her in a place where no one has read my blog was like having an inside joke between me, myself, and i and no one to share it with.
ok, now for the most exciting news EVER! the day after tomorrow, which would be friday, i am getting on a plane and taking off for BOSTON! while my cover story here at work is that i'm going "to see friends" which isn't a lie, the main reason i'm going, the reason i can justify taking a week and half off to fly across the country, is because...well, i'm scared to say this, because brian got me all paranoid about somebody from my work reading my blog and me getting fired, so i'll just have to give you clues. what have i been looking for lately? what happens before you actually get one of those? you sit down in a nice outfit and have a professional conversation with the person who wants to give you a lovely new opportunity. comprende?
so, i am very, very excited. i am going to try and line up some other dressy professional 'conversations' while i am out there, and i'm also going to spend four days exploring downtown new york! my only worry is that my cutting edge mcminnville fashion won't cut it in sarah jessica's hometown, but i'll have fun trying. i'm staying with my friend tim in beacon hill in boston, and then taking this cheap bus, the chinatown bus, up to ny and back for four days. i hope to write of all my adventures often, so be checkin' in!
i am frustrated that i have to sensor myself over the internet, because i have some damn funny blogs in my head that will never be published here. it really is a shame. honesty is a dangerous thing, unfortunately. i push the envelope as far as i can for the life of liz, but i suppose those hilariously inappropriate blogs will just have to remain coversations with a few priveleged friends. hopefully that doesn't make the rest of you too curious...i'm sure the reality would disappoint you, anyway.
you eat pieces of shit for breakfast? happy gilmore
6.29.2005
6.23.2005
no more catfish in the sea
the life of liz presents
in association with barren wasteland studios
a grass is greener production
no more catfish in the sea: the top ten reasons i need to get the H out of mcminnville
10. three of the closest towns are named willamina, sheridan, and yamhill
9. the only radio stations that come in here are country
8. every town has a yearly festival -- mcminnville's is called turkey-rama
7. here, seeing a mullet is an everyday occurance
6. the 75% female population of linfield college easily domineers the 0.0025% quality male population, along with the percentage of half-way bearable guys
5. the store i work at sells CATFISH nuggets
4. people come here to raise families, not start families
3. the nearest large metropolis is one hour and ten minutes away
2. the phrase "slim pickin's" has become a regular part of my vocabulary
and the number one reason why i need to get the H out of mcminnville...
1. nearly every guy around here drives a loud car or a fast bike, which can only lead me to believe that they are compensating for something
i'm sorry you never wanted me, but that's how you made me want the gold medal the donnas
in association with barren wasteland studios
a grass is greener production
no more catfish in the sea: the top ten reasons i need to get the H out of mcminnville
10. three of the closest towns are named willamina, sheridan, and yamhill
9. the only radio stations that come in here are country
8. every town has a yearly festival -- mcminnville's is called turkey-rama
7. here, seeing a mullet is an everyday occurance
6. the 75% female population of linfield college easily domineers the 0.0025% quality male population, along with the percentage of half-way bearable guys
5. the store i work at sells CATFISH nuggets
4. people come here to raise families, not start families
3. the nearest large metropolis is one hour and ten minutes away
2. the phrase "slim pickin's" has become a regular part of my vocabulary
and the number one reason why i need to get the H out of mcminnville...
1. nearly every guy around here drives a loud car or a fast bike, which can only lead me to believe that they are compensating for something
i'm sorry you never wanted me, but that's how you made me want the gold medal the donnas
6.19.2005
the terror of tv
i have been pondering this subject for some time, despite my natural american love for television. here are several reasons, stories, antecdotes, etc. that illustrate why tv is indeed terrible.
tv makes me lazy
i often wonder at how much people used to be able to accomplish before the "magic box" came into our lives. even though i often tell myself that i am just turning on the tv for some noise in my apartment, some strange electronic presence to keep me company, and i will be productive despite it being on, half the time i end up laying there, watching it, accomplishing pretty much nothing besides relaxing. maybe for a stressed out worrier like myself, that is an accomplishment.
tv perfects the art of overkill
i think i can explain this one with two words: reality shows. enough already! yet, of course, even a wise person such as myself has been sucked into a few of them. case in point: the apprentice. when i lived with shanna, we made it our thursday night thing to watch the apprentice and discuss how stupid most of the contestants were. on a sidenote, this experience made me realize i would never want to be competing against shanna for anything, especially in business. she would win, i would feel bad, it's all so predictable. anyhow, after every idiot except for two had been eliminated, it was time for the season finale. the three hour season finale. i wish i was kidding, but i did watch the entire thing. and boy, were they scrambling for crap to fill up that three hours with. by the time they had brought out some band to perform the theme song, "money money money money!" i was dangerously close to losing my mind and my dinner. you know when you eat too much of something and you end up puking it up, and then you can never eat it again? i haven't watched the apprentice since, and i still feel slightly ill when i think of that night.
tv encourages false expectations
we've all seen it -- the scene in every cookie-cutter tv show and movie...the one where the romantic leads, two people who were previously unaware of how attractive the other person was, suddenly lock eyes and instantly fall in love. perhaps thier gaze even leads to a mutual kiss, each somehow knowing the other feels it too. well, let me tell you, i'm 23 years old, and this has never happened to me. nor have i been chased down the street, sang to in my window, or stopped just before getting on a plane at the airport by someone dying to profess thier love to me. and thanks to years of brainwashing, i am actually disappointed by this. i actually find myself making up stories in which these things happen. and occasionally, amazing, tv worthy things do happen, but never quite in the same way you saw on the boob tube. and that's ok with me. real life is so much better, so much more beautiful. even with the long, boring patches.
tv makes me lazy
i often wonder at how much people used to be able to accomplish before the "magic box" came into our lives. even though i often tell myself that i am just turning on the tv for some noise in my apartment, some strange electronic presence to keep me company, and i will be productive despite it being on, half the time i end up laying there, watching it, accomplishing pretty much nothing besides relaxing. maybe for a stressed out worrier like myself, that is an accomplishment.
tv perfects the art of overkill
i think i can explain this one with two words: reality shows. enough already! yet, of course, even a wise person such as myself has been sucked into a few of them. case in point: the apprentice. when i lived with shanna, we made it our thursday night thing to watch the apprentice and discuss how stupid most of the contestants were. on a sidenote, this experience made me realize i would never want to be competing against shanna for anything, especially in business. she would win, i would feel bad, it's all so predictable. anyhow, after every idiot except for two had been eliminated, it was time for the season finale. the three hour season finale. i wish i was kidding, but i did watch the entire thing. and boy, were they scrambling for crap to fill up that three hours with. by the time they had brought out some band to perform the theme song, "money money money money!" i was dangerously close to losing my mind and my dinner. you know when you eat too much of something and you end up puking it up, and then you can never eat it again? i haven't watched the apprentice since, and i still feel slightly ill when i think of that night.
tv encourages false expectations
we've all seen it -- the scene in every cookie-cutter tv show and movie...the one where the romantic leads, two people who were previously unaware of how attractive the other person was, suddenly lock eyes and instantly fall in love. perhaps thier gaze even leads to a mutual kiss, each somehow knowing the other feels it too. well, let me tell you, i'm 23 years old, and this has never happened to me. nor have i been chased down the street, sang to in my window, or stopped just before getting on a plane at the airport by someone dying to profess thier love to me. and thanks to years of brainwashing, i am actually disappointed by this. i actually find myself making up stories in which these things happen. and occasionally, amazing, tv worthy things do happen, but never quite in the same way you saw on the boob tube. and that's ok with me. real life is so much better, so much more beautiful. even with the long, boring patches.
6.14.2005
lucky number tuesday
i know you all love my lists so much you could practically marry them, so here's another one for ya:
things (for me) to be happy about:
1. i am pursuing new and exciting opportunities!
2. thanks to proactiv solution, i now have the clear, beautiful complexion i've always dreamed of
3. i reading a funny book
4. i took most of my bills off of auto withdrawal, therefore averting yet another near-financial crisis
5. my mom's getting a kitten
6. the new harry potter book comes out next month
7. the new coldplay cd is already out
8. my new flickr account (i should have sent most of you an invite...if i didn't, tell me and i will! then you can view all my photos online)
9. i am in love with my hair at the moment
10. $2 dansko clogs
11. free food is raining down on me like manna from heaven
12. my friends' and family's uncanny ability to open my eyes to, and therefore deter me from, unpractical and ultimately lame courses of action
13. the ever-expanding hilarious movie quote database that resides in my brain
14. nicole is with child! p.g.! bun in the oven! prego spaghetti sauce!
p.s. that crazy girl is back at the library and she's sitting right next to me...
things (for me) to be happy about:
1. i am pursuing new and exciting opportunities!
2. thanks to proactiv solution, i now have the clear, beautiful complexion i've always dreamed of
3. i reading a funny book
4. i took most of my bills off of auto withdrawal, therefore averting yet another near-financial crisis
5. my mom's getting a kitten
6. the new harry potter book comes out next month
7. the new coldplay cd is already out
8. my new flickr account (i should have sent most of you an invite...if i didn't, tell me and i will! then you can view all my photos online)
9. i am in love with my hair at the moment
10. $2 dansko clogs
11. free food is raining down on me like manna from heaven
12. my friends' and family's uncanny ability to open my eyes to, and therefore deter me from, unpractical and ultimately lame courses of action
13. the ever-expanding hilarious movie quote database that resides in my brain
14. nicole is with child! p.g.! bun in the oven! prego spaghetti sauce!
p.s. that crazy girl is back at the library and she's sitting right next to me...
6.08.2005
reunited (and it feels so good)
i don’t know what is going on, but in the last week i have seen a ton of people whom i havent seen in forever! first, my friend kari came back from paris last week, which i am very thankful for, since she lives here in mcminnville. it’s slim pickins for friends here, so thank goodness she’s back. then, i got to see kemi this last weekend (whom i still refer to as my roomate, even though college is over) and that was so nice. i love it when you see someone after a long time and the connection is still there. i haven’t seen her in six months, and we can see each other one day and spend the whole day in hysterical laughter. then, yesterday the craziest thing happened. my friend jen, who was my RA and close friend my freshman year at fox, emailed me and said she was going to be in the ‘berg! she’s staying in the dorms at fox for a conference, so i met her over there last night, and the experience was so surreal. not only was i seeing jen for the first time in three years, but i was seeing her in the fox dorms. we went to the coffee cottage, where i also spent a significant amount of time in college, to spend a couple of hours catching up. going to the coffee cottage always makes me nostalgic, because i can look at several of the tables and remember conversations that took place at each. it’s amazing how much can happen in such a tiny coffee shop. me and jen are in simular places in our lives, both knowing it’s time for something new but not yet sure what it is. so with all of that surrealness behind me, i was driving down 3rd street and i saw yet another familiar face that i haven’t seen since my freshman year…rob simpson and his family. he was the area coordinator in my dorm that year, and i was friends with his five year old son, alek. me and alek spent hours wrestling and playing in pennington lobby, and now he’s huge! seeing them was unreal. i decided to finish off the trip back to freshman year by calling tim, one of the only people i’ve managed to keep in touch with since then.
today i had a great talk with charlie, one of the pastors at my church. lately i have realized that i need to get out of mcminnville and into a more exciting place, a large metropolis of some sort. i love mcminnville, but i finally realized that it is a great place to settle down and raise a family, not to start your post-college life. i have a very sure feeling that God wants me to do something different, but he hasn’t shown me what is yet. it’s so hard to pursue a new path when you’re not sure where to go. i’m just trying to pursue different options, hoping he will direct me along the way. talking with charlie was great, because he reaffirmed everything i’m feeling, and told me i didn’t belong here. the question is, where do i belong?
today i had a great talk with charlie, one of the pastors at my church. lately i have realized that i need to get out of mcminnville and into a more exciting place, a large metropolis of some sort. i love mcminnville, but i finally realized that it is a great place to settle down and raise a family, not to start your post-college life. i have a very sure feeling that God wants me to do something different, but he hasn’t shown me what is yet. it’s so hard to pursue a new path when you’re not sure where to go. i’m just trying to pursue different options, hoping he will direct me along the way. talking with charlie was great, because he reaffirmed everything i’m feeling, and told me i didn’t belong here. the question is, where do i belong?
6.02.2005
the view of heaven from hell
prologue
for a few weeks now, i have had a mad urge to go to old navy and purchase insanely cute clothes and accessories. this has been hindered by two things: 1. there is no old navy anywhere in the general vicinity of mac. 2. even if there was, i, as usual, have no money. i know that eventually my mad urge will be temorarily satiated, but i never imagined the cruel twist of fate yesterday had in store for me.
* * *
in order for this story to be as entertaining as possible, the words "old navy" should be read in the sing-songy tune that is heard on their cheesy commercials. mom and nicole cummings, you know what i'm talking about. hopefully more of you do, too.
* * *
i spent yesterday in jail. no, not the kind with cells and bars where the only to survive is to kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch -- the kind of prison that is created by a 6.5 hour deli training session at lancaster roth's. this unique twist on hell began with a video entitled, "the invisible challenge." can you guess what the invisible challenge is? foodbourne illnesses! that's right! this fascinating little ditty featured an invisible narrator named howard and thought-provoking words like "shigella" and "drippage." the video was followed by the trainer reading the grotesque symptoms of every foodbourne illness on the planet, including shigella. after 45 minutes of this scare tactic, i came to a few conclusions: 1. eating is just a bad idea. 2. eating poop is a very bad idea. 3. ignorance is indeed bliss. next came our first break, where i ventured outside looking for a reason to go on. just before i went back inside, a gleaming wall of glass caught my eye. i looked up, and directly across the street, huge blue block letters proclaimed the words i'd been dying to hear: OLD NAVY. in that split second, with 47 cents to my name, trapped in the training session from hades, i understood the true meaning of injustice.
so, like so many times in my life, exactly what i wanted was so close, yet so far away. i had no choice but to face the sickening reality that i was not going to set foot in the cheap, trendy shopping mecca that day, and return to my jail cell. the afternoon contained many other tortures (how long do you think you could talk about slips, trips, and falls? how about how to suggestively sell potato salad?) but none compared to the view from one of the few windows...two stories of shopping goodness i can only call OLD NAVY.
for a few weeks now, i have had a mad urge to go to old navy and purchase insanely cute clothes and accessories. this has been hindered by two things: 1. there is no old navy anywhere in the general vicinity of mac. 2. even if there was, i, as usual, have no money. i know that eventually my mad urge will be temorarily satiated, but i never imagined the cruel twist of fate yesterday had in store for me.
* * *
in order for this story to be as entertaining as possible, the words "old navy" should be read in the sing-songy tune that is heard on their cheesy commercials. mom and nicole cummings, you know what i'm talking about. hopefully more of you do, too.
* * *
i spent yesterday in jail. no, not the kind with cells and bars where the only to survive is to kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch -- the kind of prison that is created by a 6.5 hour deli training session at lancaster roth's. this unique twist on hell began with a video entitled, "the invisible challenge." can you guess what the invisible challenge is? foodbourne illnesses! that's right! this fascinating little ditty featured an invisible narrator named howard and thought-provoking words like "shigella" and "drippage." the video was followed by the trainer reading the grotesque symptoms of every foodbourne illness on the planet, including shigella. after 45 minutes of this scare tactic, i came to a few conclusions: 1. eating is just a bad idea. 2. eating poop is a very bad idea. 3. ignorance is indeed bliss. next came our first break, where i ventured outside looking for a reason to go on. just before i went back inside, a gleaming wall of glass caught my eye. i looked up, and directly across the street, huge blue block letters proclaimed the words i'd been dying to hear: OLD NAVY. in that split second, with 47 cents to my name, trapped in the training session from hades, i understood the true meaning of injustice.
so, like so many times in my life, exactly what i wanted was so close, yet so far away. i had no choice but to face the sickening reality that i was not going to set foot in the cheap, trendy shopping mecca that day, and return to my jail cell. the afternoon contained many other tortures (how long do you think you could talk about slips, trips, and falls? how about how to suggestively sell potato salad?) but none compared to the view from one of the few windows...two stories of shopping goodness i can only call OLD NAVY.
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