the world is full of them! napoleon dynamite knows it, and i know it, too! there seems to be a large concentration of them at roth's...which is quite unfortunate. my days at work are measured in many ways: time (duh), water, breaks, and cd's. i am trying to drink my eight glasses of water a day, so that means two 32 ounce water bottles a day. i try to finish one before my lunch and one after. i take my breaks at 11 am (15 min), 1 pm (1 hour) and 4 pm (15 min). i take them late so that when i get back not much time is left until the next one or the end of the day. i figure most cd's are 30 -40 minutes long, so each time i pop in a new one, i'm guaranteed a good chunk of time passing somewhat quickly and pleasantly. so a work day lasts 2 bottles, 3 breaks, and 12-16 cds.
wasn't that fascinating? by the way, i may have been just a tad over optimistic about the whole christmas thing. it was kind of a hard day. i'll leave it at that. and you should be grateful, because i hardly ever leave anything at that. i'm not sure what to write now that i'm at a computer, besides the usual complaints...i cant stand working by myself, not happy with my life, yadda yadda yadda! but this week begins my new and improved schedule, so we'll see if that helps. i'm not holding my breath. i kind of shot myself in the foot for this week by working on sunday to make up for saturday, therefore creating two mondays: sunday, the day i kept thinking was monday, and today, actually monday. one monday is hard enough to swallow, let alone two. what was i thinking? i forgot the wise words i live by..."hard work pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now."
i'm not the biggest fan of new year's resolutions (or new year's eve for that matter) because they tend to bring back my legalistic overachiever tendancies of yesteryear, but i always have a mental "what to do to improve my life and self" list in my head, so i thought i'd write a few of those down in the spirit of the holiday.
1. perform music! sing and play drums in a band
2. find an artsy church community to be a part of
3. volunteer in mcminnville
i really am trying not to lose my mind, but it is hard at times. i am hoping the above three things will help.
12.27.2004
12.24.2004
a new kind of christmas
here i sit at my parents' archaic computer on christmas eve pondering the strangest christmas i have known so far in my fairly short life. the last 21 christmases have included such things as elaborate lighting displays by my dad to stun the neighbors, a tree bursting with gifts despite annual warnings that "we dont have much money this year", traditions like opening one present on christmas eve, cinnamon rolls in the morning, and stockings hung by the mantle with care. you get it, the whole american christmas shebang. and i loved it. the older i got, the more i questioned the merit of it all, but i still enjoyed the traditions and the time with my family. and let's be honest...who doesn't love getting presents?
this year is completely different. as a result of my parent's divorce, the home i grew up in and am tonight spending the night in is almost completely devoid of any signs of christmas. no decorations, no tree, no lights, no stockings. the thing is, i dont feel that sad about it...or perhaps to put it more accurately, i dont feel any less loved. i know my parents feelings towards me have not changed at all. this is a good feeling. tomorrow i will experience the most dysfunctional christmas i have ever known, but that is ok. i dont feel sorry for myself...i'm just observing my surroundings. i have joined the ranks of the many split families that celebrate christmas each year, and i just feel like i'm starting a new phase in my life. i feel like christmas is such a children's holiday anyhow, so i'm thankful that my childhood christmases were so great.
my mom and i celebrated christmas eve this year the way it should be celebrated...by going shopping for ourselves! ok, my mom funded the expedition, because i am completely penniless, but it was fun nonetheless. ok, i am falling asleep. it's time to go curl up on the loveseat with my true love...sleep. good night and happy holidays.
this year is completely different. as a result of my parent's divorce, the home i grew up in and am tonight spending the night in is almost completely devoid of any signs of christmas. no decorations, no tree, no lights, no stockings. the thing is, i dont feel that sad about it...or perhaps to put it more accurately, i dont feel any less loved. i know my parents feelings towards me have not changed at all. this is a good feeling. tomorrow i will experience the most dysfunctional christmas i have ever known, but that is ok. i dont feel sorry for myself...i'm just observing my surroundings. i have joined the ranks of the many split families that celebrate christmas each year, and i just feel like i'm starting a new phase in my life. i feel like christmas is such a children's holiday anyhow, so i'm thankful that my childhood christmases were so great.
my mom and i celebrated christmas eve this year the way it should be celebrated...by going shopping for ourselves! ok, my mom funded the expedition, because i am completely penniless, but it was fun nonetheless. ok, i am falling asleep. it's time to go curl up on the loveseat with my true love...sleep. good night and happy holidays.
12.17.2004
bam!
profound thoughts always seem to strike me when i'm driving. this afternoon it was the realization that i'm losing faith in the idea that God can make me happy. it's not that i think someone or something else can, it's that i'm starting to think no one and nothing can. there's an uplifting thought for ya! then there's the whole idea that we're 'not at home' here on earth and we'll never really be fully happy here, but i don't think God wants us to not be happy here...yikes. conundrum of the century.
perhaps (ok, not perhaps, i know i do) i just think too much and i just need to knock it off and go with the flow and try and be happy. but i just don't work that way and i know it. sometimes it's as though i'm waiting for something to make me happy, but then i know nothing and no one can. if you're not happy without it, you wont be happy with it. and it's not that i'm miserable by any means...it's just...i'm...something seems to be missing.
the other thing that's got me down today is the evil dollar (again). God always comes through for me in that way, so i'm not completely freaking out, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't pretty worried. i need to sit down and write my budget with my rent and lovely college loan payment. this will either make me feel better or much, much worse. that remains to be seen.
i'm hoping to do something fairly fun this evening, with denice and possibly brian. it'll have to be free of course. tomorrow i work, my last saturday working and i couldn't be happier, and then sunday it'll be out to the o.c. for christmas church with my mom back at the old home church. this should be pretty fun if i can stop stressing about gas money. next thursday and friday my mom and i are going to the beach, and this too should be fun and a nice break. i am looking forward to it.
man, do i feel like i have the world's worst attitude.
"half of the time we're gone and we dont know where, don't know where..." simon and garfunkel, the only living boy in new york (favorite song of the week)
perhaps (ok, not perhaps, i know i do) i just think too much and i just need to knock it off and go with the flow and try and be happy. but i just don't work that way and i know it. sometimes it's as though i'm waiting for something to make me happy, but then i know nothing and no one can. if you're not happy without it, you wont be happy with it. and it's not that i'm miserable by any means...it's just...i'm...something seems to be missing.
the other thing that's got me down today is the evil dollar (again). God always comes through for me in that way, so i'm not completely freaking out, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't pretty worried. i need to sit down and write my budget with my rent and lovely college loan payment. this will either make me feel better or much, much worse. that remains to be seen.
i'm hoping to do something fairly fun this evening, with denice and possibly brian. it'll have to be free of course. tomorrow i work, my last saturday working and i couldn't be happier, and then sunday it'll be out to the o.c. for christmas church with my mom back at the old home church. this should be pretty fun if i can stop stressing about gas money. next thursday and friday my mom and i are going to the beach, and this too should be fun and a nice break. i am looking forward to it.
man, do i feel like i have the world's worst attitude.
"half of the time we're gone and we dont know where, don't know where..." simon and garfunkel, the only living boy in new york (favorite song of the week)
12.15.2004
dreams of seven
last night while i was driving home from the berg an interesting thought struck me. i realized that often i have cared more for guys i've liked but haven't dated than the ones i actually did date. i know that i have rationalized some boyfriends from category 2 (idiots) and this often becomes clear post-break up. i miss these exboyfriends from time to time because of the emotional connection we formed, but i know deep down that the way i cared about them doesn't compare to the way i thought i could care for those others, and the potential i saw for what kind of a connection we could have had.
"well i dreamt i saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky, while you stood there, counting crows. one for sorrow, two for joy, three for girls and four for boys, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told..." adam duritz
"well i dreamt i saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky, while you stood there, counting crows. one for sorrow, two for joy, three for girls and four for boys, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told..." adam duritz
12.14.2004
black and white
it's been so long since i've been able to sit down and write whatever i want, i dont know where to start. my new (and yes, i love it) apartment has no internet connectivity so far, so opportunities to blog are few and far between. the basic update of my life is that i have been living in my new apt for about 2 weeks, and am currently decorating/unpacking/scraping together furniture in the what seems like only a few hours that i am not working. i love where i live, i love my apartment, love, love, love, that pretty much ends when i walk out the door. i've been slowly torturing myself to death with the realization that i hate working by myself for a couple of weeks now, each day dragging on for seemingly an eternity. however, this has become rather exhausting, so a change in attitude and schedule revision are underway. i will now work monday-friday, instead of monday-saturday, and it will go like this: mon-wed: chalk art at roth's; thu: geneva; fri: barista at roth's. and then, of course, the amazing phenomenon i haven't experienced in so long called a WEEKEND! i can hardly wait to reacquaint myself with its beauty. two days off in a row...it will be a little slice of heaven.
today i developed a theory. ok, i put into words something i've thought forever, but close enough. the theory is this: all the atleast somewhat attractive, possibly cool males around me (aka guys i could possibly see myself liking) fit into one of three categories: one - married. two - idiot. three - too young. so what i have to do (eventually) is find someone who doesnt fit into any of those categories. this seems nearly impossible. take for example, two guys at my work, we'll call them stan and jimmy. stan is the new guy who is pretty hot. after a few walkbys and near-introductions, i see that he has that terrible hunk of metal on his left hand...the wedding ring. damn you, stan! then there's jimmy, the kind of cute dude with not-so-great shoes, something i am possibly willing to overlook, until he proves himself to be an idiot, which he did a few days ago. his behavior also solidified the theory that he is indeed also a member of option three, too young.
as you can possibly see by the theory above, i've been thinking a lot of things are pretty hopeless lately...liking my job, ever meeting a decent guy, finding a church i love, being happy. i want to contrast this depressing notion and start on that new better attitude by making a list...
the 14 things i love right now*
1. my apartment
2. old records
3. how excited geneva gets to see me after just a few days
4. walking in downtown mcminnville
5. denice's mom's canning skills
6. the sound of cars passing my apartment at night
7. movietime video and local businesses in general
8. howie day
9. stem and leaf satsuma tangerines
10. my new bright blue and bright green sweaters
11. visits from nicole and matea at roth's
12. christmas gift baskets from mommy
13. sleeping in my childhood bed (the most comfortable bed ever) in my adulthood apartment
14. singing like i'm giving a concert
today i developed a theory. ok, i put into words something i've thought forever, but close enough. the theory is this: all the atleast somewhat attractive, possibly cool males around me (aka guys i could possibly see myself liking) fit into one of three categories: one - married. two - idiot. three - too young. so what i have to do (eventually) is find someone who doesnt fit into any of those categories. this seems nearly impossible. take for example, two guys at my work, we'll call them stan and jimmy. stan is the new guy who is pretty hot. after a few walkbys and near-introductions, i see that he has that terrible hunk of metal on his left hand...the wedding ring. damn you, stan! then there's jimmy, the kind of cute dude with not-so-great shoes, something i am possibly willing to overlook, until he proves himself to be an idiot, which he did a few days ago. his behavior also solidified the theory that he is indeed also a member of option three, too young.
as you can possibly see by the theory above, i've been thinking a lot of things are pretty hopeless lately...liking my job, ever meeting a decent guy, finding a church i love, being happy. i want to contrast this depressing notion and start on that new better attitude by making a list...
the 14 things i love right now*
1. my apartment
2. old records
3. how excited geneva gets to see me after just a few days
4. walking in downtown mcminnville
5. denice's mom's canning skills
6. the sound of cars passing my apartment at night
7. movietime video and local businesses in general
8. howie day
9. stem and leaf satsuma tangerines
10. my new bright blue and bright green sweaters
11. visits from nicole and matea at roth's
12. christmas gift baskets from mommy
13. sleeping in my childhood bed (the most comfortable bed ever) in my adulthood apartment
14. singing like i'm giving a concert
*i had to make it more things than the 'things i'm sick of' list so that i wouldnt be a complete pessimist
"and i have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay" the postal service
12.09.2004
ogle's words-o-wisdom
DISCLAIMER: not all of ogle's words-o-wisdom are the original thoughts or statements of ogle. however, those that aren't were clevery regurgitated by him at some point.
#1 nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.
brian has fallen back on this clever advice after each of my breakups. this last time he added on an extra special tidbit: "people always say you need to spend time becoming a whole person or whatever, but i say just be a half a person! i do it everyday and it works great for me!"
#2 if you aren't happy without it, you wont be happy with it.
referred to my ogle as the unspoken law of the universe that now has been spoken, this lovely zinger has served to assure me on multiple occasions that i really will never be happy.
#3 size matters.
surely the slogan for all males, evidence is always abounding for it's truth and ogle is always eager to point out said evidence.
#4 the grass always looks greener on the other side.
this lovely little nugget was used recently to remove my doubt that perhaps i should be living in seattle, not oregon.
#5 dont bug me while i'm watching a movie.
#1 nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.
brian has fallen back on this clever advice after each of my breakups. this last time he added on an extra special tidbit: "people always say you need to spend time becoming a whole person or whatever, but i say just be a half a person! i do it everyday and it works great for me!"
#2 if you aren't happy without it, you wont be happy with it.
referred to my ogle as the unspoken law of the universe that now has been spoken, this lovely zinger has served to assure me on multiple occasions that i really will never be happy.
#3 size matters.
surely the slogan for all males, evidence is always abounding for it's truth and ogle is always eager to point out said evidence.
#4 the grass always looks greener on the other side.
this lovely little nugget was used recently to remove my doubt that perhaps i should be living in seattle, not oregon.
#5 dont bug me while i'm watching a movie.
this newest statement was told to me rudely by ogle while i was trying to attain more material for this blog entry.
11.24.2004
flashback
i was cleaning my room at home this evening (and when i say home, i mean my real home home in oregon city, otherwise now known as my dad's house) and i came across an old journal entry that i found quite fascinating, so i decided to publish it here and spread the fun.
what does one do when she graduates college?
does she move into a creepy apartment for a month before she moves to new york? does she feel weird and unsettled for an undisclosed amount of time? does she wonder, in the same five minutes, why this lady has approximately 57 shades of pink nail polish and when she is going to meet her husband? apparently so. it is five days after graduation and life is strange. i am staying at an apartment that smells funny, isn't organized logically, and has too many ticking clocks. but i paid $200 to stay here and so i cant just leave. i am kind of nervous to meet my future husband...not as nervous as i am that i'll never meet him, or that i'll have to wait an insane amount of time to meet him, but still a little nervous. when will it be? where? do i know him already? i kinda hope not. what will he be like? will i mess it up? will he really think i am more beautiful than anyone else? must be less hard on myself -- open myself up to the possibility that someone could feel that way about me. i kinda can't wait, yet i value my freedom currently as well. when you stop and think about it, life is so freaky...always losing people, never knowing what the day holds, graduating and having your whole life change...so i try not to stop and think about it too much. it's weird being graduated and still being in newberg, hanging out with ogle and matt and nicole and such. it's like...a strange place of limbo...enjoying the company and security of my friends who are still here, but knowing in the back of my mind that very soon this too will change.
okay, back to the present now. some things are the same, some are different, and that, methinks, is just as it should be.
what does one do when she graduates college?
does she move into a creepy apartment for a month before she moves to new york? does she feel weird and unsettled for an undisclosed amount of time? does she wonder, in the same five minutes, why this lady has approximately 57 shades of pink nail polish and when she is going to meet her husband? apparently so. it is five days after graduation and life is strange. i am staying at an apartment that smells funny, isn't organized logically, and has too many ticking clocks. but i paid $200 to stay here and so i cant just leave. i am kind of nervous to meet my future husband...not as nervous as i am that i'll never meet him, or that i'll have to wait an insane amount of time to meet him, but still a little nervous. when will it be? where? do i know him already? i kinda hope not. what will he be like? will i mess it up? will he really think i am more beautiful than anyone else? must be less hard on myself -- open myself up to the possibility that someone could feel that way about me. i kinda can't wait, yet i value my freedom currently as well. when you stop and think about it, life is so freaky...always losing people, never knowing what the day holds, graduating and having your whole life change...so i try not to stop and think about it too much. it's weird being graduated and still being in newberg, hanging out with ogle and matt and nicole and such. it's like...a strange place of limbo...enjoying the company and security of my friends who are still here, but knowing in the back of my mind that very soon this too will change.
okay, back to the present now. some things are the same, some are different, and that, methinks, is just as it should be.
11.23.2004
rite of passage
today the most exciting thing ever happened! i was approved for my very own, first, completety adorable apartment! i'm moving in on december 1st and i'm so excited. it's in mcminnville, super close to my work and 3rd street, which is one of my favorite places in oregon, and it's in a completely remodeled old building that is so awesome. it looks like it was just dropped in the middle of this tiny ghetto pocket in mcminnville, right next to the st. vincent de paul thrift store. i think it must of been pretty crappy itself, but now it is beautiful and the apartment on the top left is all MINE! i'm so happy because i really do love downtown mcminnville, it's like a little piece of portland that's easier to chew, and i can walk along the rainy sidewalks in my beautiful new pink butterfly covered plastic rainhat and just have my own life. i figure my first solo apartment not on a college campus must be a pretty important step in a girl's life...and it's been my goal for a long time now, so God is good and faithful and one of my crazy ideas for my current life has actually become reality. i apoligize for all the run-ons, i'm only really have paying attention to writing, a fourth to geneva, and a fourth to the t.v. yes, i am that smart.
11.22.2004
the 16 things i'm sick of
it's amazing how my language degrades with my mood. i was in a bad one today, and let's just say, i'm glad i work by myself so no one heard the foul words my mouth was uttering. in the spirit of bad moods and bad days, i have written a list entitled (you guessed it!)...
the 16 things i'm sick of
1. breaking out like i'm still in puberty
2. not having medical insurance
3. feeling like my worth is measured by whether or not i have a boyfriend
4. having the world's worst digestive system
5. shitty CD player at work
6. work
7. power point worship
8. going to sleep alone
9. waiting for the apartment peops to call
10. ugg boots
11. having bangs
12. always being tardy
13. college football and so yellow, green, orange, and black
14. wearing black and white
15. every cd i own
16. worrying
there you have it. in an attempt to improve my mood at work, i wrote that on the company dollar. it didnt work. and in case you now think i'm a horrible person, it took like 2 minutes. whoopty doo, big deal! i'm in a better mood tonight, although i'm a little annoyed that i'm just chillin at the house AGAIN. but i'm sewing a sign and being productive, so i guess it's ok. i just get so darn restless, everywhere i go. i need constant stimulation, people! give it to me! here i am, entertain me! love me! is that really too much to ask?
so i guess i'll be the coward that never woke you up...but i'd rather have you blame me than blame it on your love... low millions
the 16 things i'm sick of
1. breaking out like i'm still in puberty
2. not having medical insurance
3. feeling like my worth is measured by whether or not i have a boyfriend
4. having the world's worst digestive system
5. shitty CD player at work
6. work
7. power point worship
8. going to sleep alone
9. waiting for the apartment peops to call
10. ugg boots
11. having bangs
12. always being tardy
13. college football and so yellow, green, orange, and black
14. wearing black and white
15. every cd i own
16. worrying
there you have it. in an attempt to improve my mood at work, i wrote that on the company dollar. it didnt work. and in case you now think i'm a horrible person, it took like 2 minutes. whoopty doo, big deal! i'm in a better mood tonight, although i'm a little annoyed that i'm just chillin at the house AGAIN. but i'm sewing a sign and being productive, so i guess it's ok. i just get so darn restless, everywhere i go. i need constant stimulation, people! give it to me! here i am, entertain me! love me! is that really too much to ask?
so i guess i'll be the coward that never woke you up...but i'd rather have you blame me than blame it on your love... low millions
11.17.2004
talk about shoddy!
the dollar store is a great invention, but there are some things that just shouldn't be bought there...or sold there...for example, pregnancy tests! my friend denice and i were at the new newberg dollar tree, stocking up on movie candy, when what should we notice by the checkout? pregnancy tests! and hanging in that last-minute, oops, you know you need this! section. seriously, is somebody going to be standing in line when, all of sudden, bam! "oh hey, i DO need a pregnancy test and wow! only a dollar!" and then..."well, honey, i THINK i'm pregnant...i cant really be sure, i got the test at dollar tree..." yeah. not so much.
tonight was one of those good nights. after work i went for a run, took a shower, hung with the dixon's, and gave myself a manicure/pedicure with my new dollar tree manicure kit. (seriously). and all before 8 pm! then brian came and picked me up and we went to good old cancun for mexican. ahh, the fun and great talks i've had with ogle at cancun, sipping a margarita and setting my tongue on fire with their firey hot salsa. it's an amazing thing to have such a great guy friend who doesn't neglect you when he has a girlfriend. yes, i feel quite blessed. in a daring move, i wore my pajamas to cancun, despite warnings from shanna and david that surely the one person i dont want to see me in my pajamas will be there. turns out, we were the only people there, except for two frightening trucker-like dudes who left right when we got there. i knew right away that i didnt care if they saw me in my pjs, and that was heartedly confirmed when one of them revealed approximately 4 inches of buttcrack while he was paying his bill right by our table. pjs in public = okay. buttcracks in public = unexceptable! especially not in an eating establishment, for crying out loud!
i am firey hot with anger! mugatu
tonight was one of those good nights. after work i went for a run, took a shower, hung with the dixon's, and gave myself a manicure/pedicure with my new dollar tree manicure kit. (seriously). and all before 8 pm! then brian came and picked me up and we went to good old cancun for mexican. ahh, the fun and great talks i've had with ogle at cancun, sipping a margarita and setting my tongue on fire with their firey hot salsa. it's an amazing thing to have such a great guy friend who doesn't neglect you when he has a girlfriend. yes, i feel quite blessed. in a daring move, i wore my pajamas to cancun, despite warnings from shanna and david that surely the one person i dont want to see me in my pajamas will be there. turns out, we were the only people there, except for two frightening trucker-like dudes who left right when we got there. i knew right away that i didnt care if they saw me in my pjs, and that was heartedly confirmed when one of them revealed approximately 4 inches of buttcrack while he was paying his bill right by our table. pjs in public = okay. buttcracks in public = unexceptable! especially not in an eating establishment, for crying out loud!
i am firey hot with anger! mugatu
11.12.2004
halibut tacos
everyday i drive home from work i have to pass through dundee, a sweaty pore of oregon. (if salem is the armpit, dundee is a sweaty pore). the traffic is always awful, but not until you pass the storage place that signals the start of the pore. the storage place, in the grand tradition of all mini-storage facilities always has a trying-to-be-clever-and-witty message on their readerboard. right now it's "room to store and a whole lot more." really? what the hell else can you really do there besides store? anyhow, deep within the pore is this restaurant called calamity janes, and i have memorized their specials for mon, tue, and wed (the days i work). monday: herb baked chicken, tuesday: halibut tacos, wednesday: bbq ribs. the next landmark i pass is the infamous (well, if you went to george fox) lumpy's landing, "your bodacious bar and grill." i have to give them credit for possibly being the only bar in oregon to have the word "bodacious" on their sign, or at the most one of five. lumpy's was the place for all the rebellious kids to go on thursday nights for karoake. it's pretty much just a rectangle of concrete with walls, and i forgot to mention that the sign has this dude on it with a parachute strapped to his back, whom i can only assume is lumpy. i know the crawl of dundee is over when i pass the actually clever readerboard of dundee pizza company..."all you need is love and pizza...get both here." too bad they changed it because i was planning on going in and cashing in on that love offer.
11.07.2004
just for kari
this entry is a shout out to my friend kari, who i recently discovered is a faithful life of liz blog reader! i love you, kari, and i wish you werent in paris! (that rhymes if you pronouce it the french way, kari and paris i mean). i mean, i am so glad you are having an awesome time, and loving it, but i miss you. keep having amazing adventures and learning languages and wandering parisian streets and all that wonderful stuff. and if something crappy happens, just remember...c'est la vie!
so, after a few weeks of feeling rather down in the dumps, God sent a couple good cheer-me-ups my way yesterday, for which i was exceedingly grateful. first, the infamous guiness guy returned to my place of employment yesterday, and this time, i actually talked to him! i went out of my way to make sure i talked to him, i wasn't letting the opportunity pass me twice. and we had a quite a lovely conversation as i sipped free beer and tried not to gag. i walked out of roth's with a perma-grin the size of texas, causing an entering customer to smile. then, the wonderful evening continued with a trip to the george fox theatre, my former place of employment, where i saw a ton of my old theatre peops who were excited to see me, which was awesome. i want to help with the next show, i miss it so much. i saw my wonderful friend marcie, and my friend mike who gives the best hugs ever, and i left happier than i've been in weeks. it was an oddly familiar happiness, as i was feeling it walking out of woodmar, down the back stairs, and into the winter cold like i did so many late nights in college.
"experience is the name we give to our mistakes." oscar wilde
so, after a few weeks of feeling rather down in the dumps, God sent a couple good cheer-me-ups my way yesterday, for which i was exceedingly grateful. first, the infamous guiness guy returned to my place of employment yesterday, and this time, i actually talked to him! i went out of my way to make sure i talked to him, i wasn't letting the opportunity pass me twice. and we had a quite a lovely conversation as i sipped free beer and tried not to gag. i walked out of roth's with a perma-grin the size of texas, causing an entering customer to smile. then, the wonderful evening continued with a trip to the george fox theatre, my former place of employment, where i saw a ton of my old theatre peops who were excited to see me, which was awesome. i want to help with the next show, i miss it so much. i saw my wonderful friend marcie, and my friend mike who gives the best hugs ever, and i left happier than i've been in weeks. it was an oddly familiar happiness, as i was feeling it walking out of woodmar, down the back stairs, and into the winter cold like i did so many late nights in college.
"experience is the name we give to our mistakes." oscar wilde
11.06.2004
all by myself...dont want to be...
i'm sitting here in the mcminnville library, making use of their free internet. unfortunately, this means i have to use the internet surrounded by a smorgasboard of people from mcminnville, most of which have nothing better to do than print science fiction stories off the internet and blatantly ignore the unspoken rule that you aren't supposed to talk in the library, especially to yourself. if you happen to be glancing at my screen, rude girl, yes, i am talking about you! when surrounded by losers, one can only conclude that oneself is also a loser. ouch.
i am on my lunch break. i have no friends to eat lunch with. this is the conundrum i am faced with everyday i work at roth's. liz, you most socialize with somebody or you'll go crazy...so dont eat lunch by yourself, but who to eat with? HEY GIRL! CAN YOU SHUT UP???? i am so close to telling her to, but she seems kind of unstable, so my fear is winning out. my job is great...the activity of it, the fact that i get to draw all day...but the working by myself thing is killing me slowly and painfully. i have to admit that i am at a low right now...super lonely, friends supply running low, and worrying all the time about stupid things that i dont even need to worry about right now, or ever for that matter. it all comes down to this one question.... will i always be alone? i want so badly to want God more than anything or anyone else, and to put him first while i patiently wait for him to send man-o-my-dreams my way, and continue to put him first after he shows up...but it is so hard, especially when i spend most of my time alone or with a 2 year old. ew, ew, ew! all i want is to stop stressing myself out. and to say to that girl "erego, open your yapper one more time..."
i am on my lunch break. i have no friends to eat lunch with. this is the conundrum i am faced with everyday i work at roth's. liz, you most socialize with somebody or you'll go crazy...so dont eat lunch by yourself, but who to eat with? HEY GIRL! CAN YOU SHUT UP???? i am so close to telling her to, but she seems kind of unstable, so my fear is winning out. my job is great...the activity of it, the fact that i get to draw all day...but the working by myself thing is killing me slowly and painfully. i have to admit that i am at a low right now...super lonely, friends supply running low, and worrying all the time about stupid things that i dont even need to worry about right now, or ever for that matter. it all comes down to this one question.... will i always be alone? i want so badly to want God more than anything or anyone else, and to put him first while i patiently wait for him to send man-o-my-dreams my way, and continue to put him first after he shows up...but it is so hard, especially when i spend most of my time alone or with a 2 year old. ew, ew, ew! all i want is to stop stressing myself out. and to say to that girl "erego, open your yapper one more time..."
11.01.2004
what chaps my hide
local cross country runners
you're innocently driving through newberg when, all of a sudden, you and your car are practically accosted by a herd of mostly naked young men, jogging by like the road is their own personal track. they are almost always sickly pale and that nasty muscley-skinny that all runners seem to be, and seem to think that we all love to partake in viewing their white, lanky bodies, covered only in underwear, er, running shorts.
awkward questions you're dying to know the answer to
why cant it be socially acceptable to just ask our burning questions out of the blue? for example, 'how old are you?' 'do you have a girlfriend?' and 'how'd you get that lazy eye?' why do we have to twist our brains in a knot trying to find a subtle way to work it into conversation? 'hey...my friend sarah and i went to the movies the other day...speaking of friends that are girls, do you have a girlfriend?' yeah. real smooth.
huge families with balloons in shoe stores
you're attempting to navigate through the 8 1/2 aisle of your local payless shoe source, when the worlds biggest family of the world's loudest and most obnoxious children meanders into the store. 'please dont come into my aisle...' you silently plead, but sure enough, the heard is moving your way. to make matters worse, the 85 children have acquired balloons somewhere else in the mall, and soon your pleasant shoe browsing experience is interuppted by a cloud of colored latex and too many bodies. you shoot the parents a few 'i'm trying to look at shoes here, can you control your children or maybe just get the beep out of the store' looks, but you go completely unnoticed, and soon have no choice but to slump out of the store in defeat.
disclaimer: the pet peeves listed here are based on a somewhat exaggerated version of reality. any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.
you're innocently driving through newberg when, all of a sudden, you and your car are practically accosted by a herd of mostly naked young men, jogging by like the road is their own personal track. they are almost always sickly pale and that nasty muscley-skinny that all runners seem to be, and seem to think that we all love to partake in viewing their white, lanky bodies, covered only in underwear, er, running shorts.
awkward questions you're dying to know the answer to
why cant it be socially acceptable to just ask our burning questions out of the blue? for example, 'how old are you?' 'do you have a girlfriend?' and 'how'd you get that lazy eye?' why do we have to twist our brains in a knot trying to find a subtle way to work it into conversation? 'hey...my friend sarah and i went to the movies the other day...speaking of friends that are girls, do you have a girlfriend?' yeah. real smooth.
huge families with balloons in shoe stores
you're attempting to navigate through the 8 1/2 aisle of your local payless shoe source, when the worlds biggest family of the world's loudest and most obnoxious children meanders into the store. 'please dont come into my aisle...' you silently plead, but sure enough, the heard is moving your way. to make matters worse, the 85 children have acquired balloons somewhere else in the mall, and soon your pleasant shoe browsing experience is interuppted by a cloud of colored latex and too many bodies. you shoot the parents a few 'i'm trying to look at shoes here, can you control your children or maybe just get the beep out of the store' looks, but you go completely unnoticed, and soon have no choice but to slump out of the store in defeat.
disclaimer: the pet peeves listed here are based on a somewhat exaggerated version of reality. any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is entirely coincidental.
10.23.2004
i cant call you baby
i feel the earth move under my feet i feel the sky come running down, come running down...i am strong, i am invincible...i am woman! dont want to be an american idiot, one nation ruled by the media...i'm not a part of a redneck agenda...and i cant call you baby anymore, eleanor...stacy's mom has got it going on...she's all i want and i've waited for so long...i could tell she liked me by the way she stared, and the way she said 'you missed a spot over there.' she's got a serrated edge that she moves back and forth, it's a simple machine, she doesnt have to use force and when she gets what she wants she puts the rest on a shelf in a ziploc bag in the freezer...stick shifts, safety belts, bucket seats have all got to go...a lot of good cars are japanese but when i'm riding in my car i need my baby close to me...i want a girl with a short skirt and long jacket...with fingernails that shine like justice...if i live til i'm 102, i just dont think i'll ever get over you...blue eyes, you are all that i need, the song that i sing...will you still love me tomorrow? no. the only living boy in new york...let go, let go...what are you waiting for? it's alright, there is beauty in the breakdown...and i have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay...we will see them waving from such great heights, 'come down now' we'll say but everything looks perfect from far away...i'd rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover i dont understand, you know i've been unfaithful, lovers in lines, one hundred other lovers, worse, one hundred other altars...the only boy who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man, being good isnt always easy, no matter how hard i try, when i hear him sweet talking to me, trying to tell me everything is alright, the sweet-talkin' son of a preacher man...and every little thing she does is magic, everything she does just turns me on...bang bang, you shot me down, bang bang that awful sound, bang bang, i hit the ground, bang bang, my baby shot me down...
carole king, green day, low millions, fountains of wayne, cake, ?, ?, ?, simon and garfunkel, frou frou, iron and wine, jars of clay, ?, the police, nancy sinatra
carole king, green day, low millions, fountains of wayne, cake, ?, ?, ?, simon and garfunkel, frou frou, iron and wine, jars of clay, ?, the police, nancy sinatra
10.18.2004
what haunts my brain
In times of severe busy-ness (how annoying is it that you have to spell it that way because otherwise it says ‘business?’) I often find that the best way to write is to make lists or bullet points...thus I have decided to make this entry in such a fashion.
Amount of toilet paper I used today to blow my nose: one whole roll
albums of the month that I am now almost getting tired of but they are great: garden state soundtrack and low millions, ‘ex-girlfriends’
best advice received recently: always wear a scowl and carry a clipboard while outside of office at work (from dave and wil, fellow chalk artists)
best love advice received recently: always make sure you’re getting bells, whistles, and bugles and a little bit of water each day (orville roth, coolest company president and wise old man ever)
worst movie seen recently and movie I have gotten the most flack ever for criticizing: ladder 49
stupidest thing I did this week while bored and annoyed: threw a hula hoop onto a roof (yes, i retrieved it)
amount of books I want to read but don’t have time: too many to count
ok, enough with that. I’ve been living at the dixon’s and working at roth’s for a month now and they are both going splendidly. It is so nice to have a job that I like, making art, and to live somewhere in which I am completely comfortable. Last night shanna and I had a "how’s this arrangement working out" talk and she said her and david felt great about it. This made me very happy, as I tend to fear that people are going to say something bad about me at such times. Like, "hey liz...david and I were talking and we want you to GET THE HELL OUT!" irrational, I know, but such is life inside of my brain.
The area of discontent that is giving me the most trouble lately (besides the obvious one that always seems to top my chart, love and guys) is finding a church that I like and can be a part of. It is not an easy task! So if you read this, pray that I will find one soon. I know I need the support, I have recently been mentally struggling with something I never thought I would struggle with...but such is life in the real world, where you face real temptation. In a way I like the idea that no one is immune to any form of temptation...it’s a reminder to be careful and not assume a certain struggle could never touch you. It’s also another fight between feeling guilty and trusting God even in times of apparent sinfulness...yikes, it can get so confusing at times.
without you, I’ve been standing ‘round here like a statue...laying on the floor thinking about you...I talk to myself like the crazies do...otherwise I’m great...what about you? – low millions
Amount of toilet paper I used today to blow my nose: one whole roll
albums of the month that I am now almost getting tired of but they are great: garden state soundtrack and low millions, ‘ex-girlfriends’
best advice received recently: always wear a scowl and carry a clipboard while outside of office at work (from dave and wil, fellow chalk artists)
best love advice received recently: always make sure you’re getting bells, whistles, and bugles and a little bit of water each day (orville roth, coolest company president and wise old man ever)
worst movie seen recently and movie I have gotten the most flack ever for criticizing: ladder 49
stupidest thing I did this week while bored and annoyed: threw a hula hoop onto a roof (yes, i retrieved it)
amount of books I want to read but don’t have time: too many to count
ok, enough with that. I’ve been living at the dixon’s and working at roth’s for a month now and they are both going splendidly. It is so nice to have a job that I like, making art, and to live somewhere in which I am completely comfortable. Last night shanna and I had a "how’s this arrangement working out" talk and she said her and david felt great about it. This made me very happy, as I tend to fear that people are going to say something bad about me at such times. Like, "hey liz...david and I were talking and we want you to GET THE HELL OUT!" irrational, I know, but such is life inside of my brain.
The area of discontent that is giving me the most trouble lately (besides the obvious one that always seems to top my chart, love and guys) is finding a church that I like and can be a part of. It is not an easy task! So if you read this, pray that I will find one soon. I know I need the support, I have recently been mentally struggling with something I never thought I would struggle with...but such is life in the real world, where you face real temptation. In a way I like the idea that no one is immune to any form of temptation...it’s a reminder to be careful and not assume a certain struggle could never touch you. It’s also another fight between feeling guilty and trusting God even in times of apparent sinfulness...yikes, it can get so confusing at times.
without you, I’ve been standing ‘round here like a statue...laying on the floor thinking about you...I talk to myself like the crazies do...otherwise I’m great...what about you? – low millions
10.06.2004
human sign factory
work is kicking my ass! i am a chalk art machine! those two sentences pretty much sum up my life as of late. we're trying to make like a million signs before the grand reopening next wednesday, so it is brutal. after that, things should be much more normal. needless to say, many a good blog entry has been lost to the brutality of being a workaholic. i've been thinking of adding a 'pet peeve of the day' feature to the occasional blog entry, and here are a few that would have shown up recently had i still been a pathetic, unemployed loser. 1. local cross country runners 2.huge families with balloons in shoe stores 3. people who think artists should work in silence. perhaps i shall elaborate on some of those later, for now i must go to sleep so that i can wake up early tomorrow feeling like death. did i mention i'm not a morning person?
9.27.2004
why do i have to be a muggle?
the more i ponder harry potter, the more unfair it becomes that i am a muggle and i dont have magic powers. for instance, today i was wondering what a certain person was doing, where they were, at a certain time, and i wished i had one of those maps like harry has of hogwarts. yes, that would be extremely convienent. plus, how fun would it be to say 'mischief managed' all the time? also, were i not a dumb old muggle, i could travel by floo powder to and from work every morning, instead of making the long haul by automobile to salem. not to mention the gas it would save me! i love harry potter, but i can only take so much before i really, seriously start to get pissed off because i dont have magic powers. yes, i can get worked up over things. but come on, how awesome would it be to be a kick-ass witch like hermoine? ahh, the fun i could have. thanks, j.k. rowling, for bringing literature back to the masses...and making us all very uncontent with our inefficient muggle lives!
speaking of uncontent...that is the word that probably sums up my whole existence on earth...always striving, always looking ahead to the future, in which, of course, when i have that certain goal fulfilled, i will be happy. here's what God has been showing me lately: you cant be happy on earth you nimwit! yes, the same person who uses phrases like 'heart of hearts' uses words like 'nimwit.' yes, i am a fifty year old schoolteacher. deal with it! anyhow, back to the point. my whole life, i have been striving for happiness on earth, trying to ignore eternity and heaven because they scared the living s**t out of me. well, i want to do this no longer. i've held onto it for way too freaking long! satan wants me to live in fear, to be in love with this dumb, messed up world, and guess what? that's exactly what i am. it's time for a change. i am in the middle of 'journey of desire' and so i hope when i finish my thoughts on this matter will be more complete, but for the time being i have these questions...if we cant be happy here, and it's all about eternity and heaven, why did God give us lives? what is the purpose of my life and my talents and the things that bring me the joy that is a small glimpse of eternity? i dont understand what i am supposed to do with my life now. of course, this is typical of me, black and white...i'm either living 100% for this world, or living 100% for heaven, in which case life on earth doesnt seem to have much point. usually, i find peace and understanding somewhere in the middle, where the balance is, and God usually points me there. clearly, we are here for some purpose or God would not have put us here. so what is it?
speaking of uncontent...that is the word that probably sums up my whole existence on earth...always striving, always looking ahead to the future, in which, of course, when i have that certain goal fulfilled, i will be happy. here's what God has been showing me lately: you cant be happy on earth you nimwit! yes, the same person who uses phrases like 'heart of hearts' uses words like 'nimwit.' yes, i am a fifty year old schoolteacher. deal with it! anyhow, back to the point. my whole life, i have been striving for happiness on earth, trying to ignore eternity and heaven because they scared the living s**t out of me. well, i want to do this no longer. i've held onto it for way too freaking long! satan wants me to live in fear, to be in love with this dumb, messed up world, and guess what? that's exactly what i am. it's time for a change. i am in the middle of 'journey of desire' and so i hope when i finish my thoughts on this matter will be more complete, but for the time being i have these questions...if we cant be happy here, and it's all about eternity and heaven, why did God give us lives? what is the purpose of my life and my talents and the things that bring me the joy that is a small glimpse of eternity? i dont understand what i am supposed to do with my life now. of course, this is typical of me, black and white...i'm either living 100% for this world, or living 100% for heaven, in which case life on earth doesnt seem to have much point. usually, i find peace and understanding somewhere in the middle, where the balance is, and God usually points me there. clearly, we are here for some purpose or God would not have put us here. so what is it?
9.25.2004
just for brian
i have a really cool friend. his name is brian ogle. you may have read his comments and realized what a horrible friend i was by not saying that he came with me to see garden state. in fact, i want to tell the whole world right here and now that not only did he go with me, but he paid for my ticket and for parking. now that's a damn good friend! not to mention the many meals ogle blossom has prepared for me over the years, without which i surely would have wasted away into nothingness. hey, brian, maybe then i'd be attractive, right? i just want everyone to know, that in my HEART OF HEARTS i am so glad to have brian for my best guy friend! he's the best! and he makes damn good spaghetti, grilled cheeses, and tomato soup. yum yum.
9.19.2004
the armpit of oregon
i have spending a lot of time recently in the armpit of oregon, aka salem. it is the biggest, ugliest city! however, the corporate headquarters of roth's are in salem, and on friday they offered me a job as the chalk artist for the mcminnville store! i'll actually be making money for doing art! yippee! it'll be three days a week and then the other two i'll work in the good ol' deli. this next week, however, i'll be spending the whole week in salem pumping out signs with this cool guy, will, the main chalk dude. will's work is pretty intimidating if i do say so myself, so i am a little nervous. this is going to be challenging, but that is good! atleast i wont be bored. i feel super blessed to have gotten this job through getting a job in the deli...kind of a low point for me, i admit. but it turned into something rad.
i absolutely love living with david, shanna, and geneva. it is so much fun, so laidback, and so...just perfect for me right now. a little lonely at times when i am in my room after they go to bed, but mostly wonderful, especially with geneves around all the time. dang, that kid loves me and it feels so good! she's so happy that i am there and i love seeing the surprised and overjoyed smile on her face whenever i walk down the stairs in the morning. i'm watching her 1-2 days a week to pay for my room and board, and it's super fun spending the day with her. man, a 2 year old can brighten your life...not all two year olds, but definitely geneves. shanna and i get along so well, we're always chatting and swapping stories and laughing. yes, it is good.
lately i've been feeling that i am way too in love with this world and trends and all that. i've been reading the journey of desire by john eldredge and a recent chapter brought me to that realization. i'm trying to watch less tv, read less magazines, and ignore the "ten trends for fall" that bombard me everywhere i go. it disturbs me that all i have to see is a few pictures of beautiful people in tweed jackets (one of the IT items for fall) and i really want one. i'm tired of feeling brainwashed by advertising.
this song chorus desribes how i've been feeling lately...at first i was looking at in an earthly love sort of way, but then i realized i could look at it in a God way, too.
lately i need to see the daylight lead beyond this half life without you i am breaking down oh maybe something here dont feel right this is just a half life is there really no escape no escape from time of any kind? come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love again -- duncan sheik
i absolutely love living with david, shanna, and geneva. it is so much fun, so laidback, and so...just perfect for me right now. a little lonely at times when i am in my room after they go to bed, but mostly wonderful, especially with geneves around all the time. dang, that kid loves me and it feels so good! she's so happy that i am there and i love seeing the surprised and overjoyed smile on her face whenever i walk down the stairs in the morning. i'm watching her 1-2 days a week to pay for my room and board, and it's super fun spending the day with her. man, a 2 year old can brighten your life...not all two year olds, but definitely geneves. shanna and i get along so well, we're always chatting and swapping stories and laughing. yes, it is good.
lately i've been feeling that i am way too in love with this world and trends and all that. i've been reading the journey of desire by john eldredge and a recent chapter brought me to that realization. i'm trying to watch less tv, read less magazines, and ignore the "ten trends for fall" that bombard me everywhere i go. it disturbs me that all i have to see is a few pictures of beautiful people in tweed jackets (one of the IT items for fall) and i really want one. i'm tired of feeling brainwashed by advertising.
this song chorus desribes how i've been feeling lately...at first i was looking at in an earthly love sort of way, but then i realized i could look at it in a God way, too.
lately i need to see the daylight lead beyond this half life without you i am breaking down oh maybe something here dont feel right this is just a half life is there really no escape no escape from time of any kind? come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love again -- duncan sheik
9.13.2004
moving, loving, bottling wine
i am moving to newberg this week...today actually. crazy...i start at roth's on saturday. today i added yet another odd job to my list...wine bottling! and, in doing so, i affirmed my hatred for monotonous, repetitive tasks. but i also affirmed my love for seeing how things are made...my favorite part of mr. rogers was when he put those videos into the wall that showed how things were made. i loved the one where they went to the crayon factory.
so i am at home right now and filled with a mixture of two things, one of which greatly outweighs the other. the first, which is the smaller one, is a kind of sadness that after tonight i'll probably never really live here again. sure, i'll come to stay, but it wont be where i live. the second, heavier one, is the desire to get the heck away from my dad until he is somewhat back to normal. i feel kinda bad saying that, but it is just so hard to be around him, so hard to be here. which is why i am glad that i am finally leaving. but, in all honesty, i havent really felt like i lived here all summer. i've been a nomad, only staying here for a few days at a time, always on the go. which is why going to live with david and shanna doesnt feel all that different from what i've been doing. i feel like i should be having these strong emotions, but they just arent there. i hate it when i feel like this...in a daze. how can i feel so much one day, feel like my heart is being ripped out, and then the next have no tears? instead of going for long periods of time without crying and then having to sob for hours to get it all out, i would much rather pace myself, thank you very much.
i went to the most amazing free concert with my mom the other night in pioneer square downtown. the main band that played was five for fighting, and the radio does no justice to how freaking talented the lead singer is. the quote i'm ending this post with is from one of his songs, and he dedicated it to everyone under twelve in the audience, thinking of his kids. but i think not only of kids like geneva when i read it, but just of anyone i care about with all my heart.
if God made you, then he must love me. -- john ondrasik how cool and true is that?
so i am at home right now and filled with a mixture of two things, one of which greatly outweighs the other. the first, which is the smaller one, is a kind of sadness that after tonight i'll probably never really live here again. sure, i'll come to stay, but it wont be where i live. the second, heavier one, is the desire to get the heck away from my dad until he is somewhat back to normal. i feel kinda bad saying that, but it is just so hard to be around him, so hard to be here. which is why i am glad that i am finally leaving. but, in all honesty, i havent really felt like i lived here all summer. i've been a nomad, only staying here for a few days at a time, always on the go. which is why going to live with david and shanna doesnt feel all that different from what i've been doing. i feel like i should be having these strong emotions, but they just arent there. i hate it when i feel like this...in a daze. how can i feel so much one day, feel like my heart is being ripped out, and then the next have no tears? instead of going for long periods of time without crying and then having to sob for hours to get it all out, i would much rather pace myself, thank you very much.
i went to the most amazing free concert with my mom the other night in pioneer square downtown. the main band that played was five for fighting, and the radio does no justice to how freaking talented the lead singer is. the quote i'm ending this post with is from one of his songs, and he dedicated it to everyone under twelve in the audience, thinking of his kids. but i think not only of kids like geneva when i read it, but just of anyone i care about with all my heart.
if God made you, then he must love me. -- john ondrasik how cool and true is that?
9.09.2004
employed at last
it wasn't a mirage! i got a job today! i got a job, i got a job, gotta job, job, job...it's at mcminnville roth's, working in their new and improved deli. they'll have normal deli stuff, plus a sushi bar, a mongolian grill, a panini sandwich bar, pizza...and of course, espresso! after all, i have to be somewhat of a barista, it's my destiny!
i've been so crafty lately. i made a b-day gift for kemi and on the card i wrote "you are reaping the benefits of my unemployment/post-break up craftiness!" it's so true. atleast i'm doing something productive, i figure. other than the craftiness and the job search i've felt pretty lazy. but i think i'm one of those people who thinks they are lazy when they are really running themselves into the ground, so who knows.
i've been so crafty lately. i made a b-day gift for kemi and on the card i wrote "you are reaping the benefits of my unemployment/post-break up craftiness!" it's so true. atleast i'm doing something productive, i figure. other than the craftiness and the job search i've felt pretty lazy. but i think i'm one of those people who thinks they are lazy when they are really running themselves into the ground, so who knows.
9.08.2004
go, liz, go
the last three days i've been driving around like crazy to various appointments and interviews...i've also been harassed by allergies and been slightly bummed and lonely. today i got super light blonde highlights in my hair to cover up most of the pink...it's pretty cute, but so blonde! hopefully i look more professional so that i can get a job. i have another barista interview tomorrow...i think this is my third barista interview in the last month. the aquisition of a job feels close...i can almost grasp it...or is it just a mirage? i dont know.
amazing movie, amazing, amazing...garden state written and directed by zach braff. i saw it on monday and it was everything i hoped it would be! it's all about twenty-somethings and the contrast between just passing through life in a daze and truly experiencing life, even if it's through pain. sound familiar? yeah, i connected with it in so many ways. it was so unique, with great humor and awesome music, too...like the postal service! i love them a lot. hands down the best movie i've seen this year.
this post is boring. what can i say...i'm all stuffed up, kinda depressed, and getting tired of driving all over the portland area everyday. perhaps i should get off my butt and go to bed.
amazing movie, amazing, amazing...garden state written and directed by zach braff. i saw it on monday and it was everything i hoped it would be! it's all about twenty-somethings and the contrast between just passing through life in a daze and truly experiencing life, even if it's through pain. sound familiar? yeah, i connected with it in so many ways. it was so unique, with great humor and awesome music, too...like the postal service! i love them a lot. hands down the best movie i've seen this year.
this post is boring. what can i say...i'm all stuffed up, kinda depressed, and getting tired of driving all over the portland area everyday. perhaps i should get off my butt and go to bed.
9.04.2004
roll-away grama
yes, i know that's not how you spell grama, but that's how i've spelled it my whole life and dammit, i'm not stopping now! anyway, today my mom, my grama and i went to the oregon gardens in silverton...very beautiful, by the way. we had just gotten there, and my grama got out and sat down in her wheelchair while my mom got stuff out of the car. my crazy grama (who can walk by the way, just not well) decided to just go for it solo in her wheelchair and takes off in the parking lot. well, the parking lot began to slope downhill, and my grama started picking up speed. she began to flap her arms like wings and squeal with joy. it never occured to me that maybe she was in danger, i just stood there watching like it was an interesting movie and i wanted to see what happened. well, the hill got steeper, she got freaked out and switched from squealing to screaming, and collided with a curb at approx. 5 mph. another, much less apathetic spectator rushed to her aid and then my mom looked up from the car. 'where's grama?' she asked. i pointed to the crash site some 50 feet away. my grama was fine, by the way, and all i could do was laugh...man, do i sound like a cruel person or what? if any of my babysitting charges' parents are reading this, i swear i would have ran after the roll away object if your kid was in it. later on, i proved that helping would have been futile anyhow when i skidded down a hill pulled by my grama's wheelchair. yeah, let's stick to flat ground with wheelchairs, please.
last night two of my recent burning questions were answered by some of my fave people, the parents of this girl i nanny for. one, why do you hate george w? lots of people seem to hate him, but nobody seems to ever say why. so we had a nice talk about that. but ten times more interesting was the talk we had about the differences between jehovah's witnesses and most christians. it was so fascinating! they are kind of jw, the dad more than the mom, she doesnt believe in it anymore. it was so interesting to see what we held in common, and what were stark differences. basically, i concluded that they believe jesus was crucified on a stake (not a cross) and this is part of what gains us admission into the future heaven, which is really paradise re-created on earth. the other part is how you live, what kind of a jw you are. oh, and they dont believe in hell. they were amazed when i said i did, and also did not know what i meant by the term 'grace.' they also believe that 1914 was the beginning of the end of the world. i know it is ultimately up to God to decide, but i am curious if he considers jw's to be saved...after all, they believe that jesus' sacrifice is part of salvation, and how different is their 'works' part of 'earning' salvation any different from a lot of christians? i know many christian churches today have polluted the purity of the gospel and supplemented it with a bunch of extra crap...but they still think that they are getting into heaven over jw's...yes, very fascinating indeed. i mean, how many people are ultimately messing some part of the bible and God's plan for our lives up? isn't that what grace is for?
on a more personal note, the prospect of moving to mcminnville is progressing nicely. i've got the hook up with naomi and shanna, killer networkers, and they are hooking me up with opportunities left and right. plus, once i get a job, david and shanna said i could live with them for a month or two in newberg, in exchange for childcare, while i save up for my own place. current job prospects include...safeway cashier, waitress for new spanish restaurant, 3rd street book store, harvest fresh grocery, roth's barista, and lowe's home improvement. we'll see what next week brings.
what an artist is for is to tell us what we see but do not know that we see. --edith sitwell
last night two of my recent burning questions were answered by some of my fave people, the parents of this girl i nanny for. one, why do you hate george w? lots of people seem to hate him, but nobody seems to ever say why. so we had a nice talk about that. but ten times more interesting was the talk we had about the differences between jehovah's witnesses and most christians. it was so fascinating! they are kind of jw, the dad more than the mom, she doesnt believe in it anymore. it was so interesting to see what we held in common, and what were stark differences. basically, i concluded that they believe jesus was crucified on a stake (not a cross) and this is part of what gains us admission into the future heaven, which is really paradise re-created on earth. the other part is how you live, what kind of a jw you are. oh, and they dont believe in hell. they were amazed when i said i did, and also did not know what i meant by the term 'grace.' they also believe that 1914 was the beginning of the end of the world. i know it is ultimately up to God to decide, but i am curious if he considers jw's to be saved...after all, they believe that jesus' sacrifice is part of salvation, and how different is their 'works' part of 'earning' salvation any different from a lot of christians? i know many christian churches today have polluted the purity of the gospel and supplemented it with a bunch of extra crap...but they still think that they are getting into heaven over jw's...yes, very fascinating indeed. i mean, how many people are ultimately messing some part of the bible and God's plan for our lives up? isn't that what grace is for?
on a more personal note, the prospect of moving to mcminnville is progressing nicely. i've got the hook up with naomi and shanna, killer networkers, and they are hooking me up with opportunities left and right. plus, once i get a job, david and shanna said i could live with them for a month or two in newberg, in exchange for childcare, while i save up for my own place. current job prospects include...safeway cashier, waitress for new spanish restaurant, 3rd street book store, harvest fresh grocery, roth's barista, and lowe's home improvement. we'll see what next week brings.
what an artist is for is to tell us what we see but do not know that we see. --edith sitwell
9.01.2004
naked hot-tubbing
hola. it is the first day of september and raining, just as it should be. i love the rain. i am sitting in the george fox computer lab, as the first school year in four years i am not a part of bustles around me. quite strange, i must say. everything seems so unchanged, as if i was never really here at all. do do do do do do...twilight zone.
so the bakery shot me down. they want someone to commit for a year, and i just cant do that. so it's onward with the job search today. i'm starting to get...annoyed, discouraged, all that good stuff. i'll hit up the mcminnville employment office today...i havent worked at all yet this week and that is not good. the money i am trying to save for an apartment is becoming harder to save with each passing moment and each mile of expensive gas i use. i know i will find something...but i dont know what it is, and that is a little freaky.
speaking of freaky, last night i saw something firsthand that i have never seen before...naked hot-tubbing. i was over at some wine festival friend's house for a bbq, i go inside, come back out and BAM! naked people in the hot tub. i was fairly shocked. the shock grew as the dad of the twins i babysit sometimes joined in the naked fun. ew! i mean, if people want to get naked in their own time with other naked people, they can go for it as far as i'm concerned. but there were lots of non-naked folks around, just trying to mind their own bbq business. i felt like i was watching a documentary on the discovery channel...the wine industry, uncovered! literally!
dammit, i just saw my first non-graduated friend and he said "they always come back." yeah, yeah, rub it in my face, i dont have a life yet, blah, blah, blah. this is such a weird time in my life...i feel like i'm floating through this abyss of questions and pain and hope and ... i dont know. i just want to find a job. the frequency with which i am visiting the pop can center at fred meyer is starting to freak me out. there is this old guy who almost lives there, makes his whole living on pop cans. he's there every time i go, ready to take the cans that people throw away. people are so interesting...i've gotten a taste recently of surving on pop cans alone, and i cant imagine doing that for more than a couple of weeks. ah, the sociology of it all... so fascinating. yes, i am a dork.
and if you follow me you'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey -- jars of clay
so the bakery shot me down. they want someone to commit for a year, and i just cant do that. so it's onward with the job search today. i'm starting to get...annoyed, discouraged, all that good stuff. i'll hit up the mcminnville employment office today...i havent worked at all yet this week and that is not good. the money i am trying to save for an apartment is becoming harder to save with each passing moment and each mile of expensive gas i use. i know i will find something...but i dont know what it is, and that is a little freaky.
speaking of freaky, last night i saw something firsthand that i have never seen before...naked hot-tubbing. i was over at some wine festival friend's house for a bbq, i go inside, come back out and BAM! naked people in the hot tub. i was fairly shocked. the shock grew as the dad of the twins i babysit sometimes joined in the naked fun. ew! i mean, if people want to get naked in their own time with other naked people, they can go for it as far as i'm concerned. but there were lots of non-naked folks around, just trying to mind their own bbq business. i felt like i was watching a documentary on the discovery channel...the wine industry, uncovered! literally!
dammit, i just saw my first non-graduated friend and he said "they always come back." yeah, yeah, rub it in my face, i dont have a life yet, blah, blah, blah. this is such a weird time in my life...i feel like i'm floating through this abyss of questions and pain and hope and ... i dont know. i just want to find a job. the frequency with which i am visiting the pop can center at fred meyer is starting to freak me out. there is this old guy who almost lives there, makes his whole living on pop cans. he's there every time i go, ready to take the cans that people throw away. people are so interesting...i've gotten a taste recently of surving on pop cans alone, and i cant imagine doing that for more than a couple of weeks. ah, the sociology of it all... so fascinating. yes, i am a dork.
and if you follow me you'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey -- jars of clay
8.30.2004
bandaids and baristas
feeling considerably better the last 24 hours, and it is nice. don't get me wrong, i still have my super sad moments, but the fog is clearing a bit. now that my car is fixed and i have paid my mom back for it, my next goal is getting enough money to get my own place, probably in the happenin' metropolis of mcminnville. in a desperate moment recently, i sold my drumset. it all happened so fast, it was like ripping off a bandaid. friday, i post the ad on craigslist.com. saturday, guy comes and buys them, they are gone in under 10 minutes, and i am $180 richer. i'll admit it was a bit like giving away a bit of my soul, but i figure when a richer season comes along and i have a place to put them, i'll buy myself a better set. i just realized this could hurt my current prospects of being in a band...oops!
today i found out the best news i've heard in forever. something myself and tons of other people whom i am very grateful to, have been praying for this for like five years, and i thought it may never happen...my dad got a better job! a huge reason to smile. he will finally be able to hang up his gravedigging shovel and start a new life at a landscaping company. i'm so happy for him.
speaking of employment, my quest continues, and takes me to an interview at starbucks tomorrow. yes, the ultimate destiny of any art major is looming nearer...i will surely become a barista. barista seems like the kind of word that should have male and female forms...barista and baristo? i mean, barista sounds quite girly to me. i'm also waiting to hear back tomorrow from a lovely little bakery in mcminnville. my non-starbucks near-employment future sits in thier hands! on thursday night i'm going to my first graduate class! it's just a free survey class for art therapy at marylhurst, but it could very well be the start of my graduate career! i feel so...adult. and i like it.
your love is wider than my need will ever be -- jars of clay
today i found out the best news i've heard in forever. something myself and tons of other people whom i am very grateful to, have been praying for this for like five years, and i thought it may never happen...my dad got a better job! a huge reason to smile. he will finally be able to hang up his gravedigging shovel and start a new life at a landscaping company. i'm so happy for him.
speaking of employment, my quest continues, and takes me to an interview at starbucks tomorrow. yes, the ultimate destiny of any art major is looming nearer...i will surely become a barista. barista seems like the kind of word that should have male and female forms...barista and baristo? i mean, barista sounds quite girly to me. i'm also waiting to hear back tomorrow from a lovely little bakery in mcminnville. my non-starbucks near-employment future sits in thier hands! on thursday night i'm going to my first graduate class! it's just a free survey class for art therapy at marylhurst, but it could very well be the start of my graduate career! i feel so...adult. and i like it.
your love is wider than my need will ever be -- jars of clay
8.27.2004
letting go
beauty exists only in struggle. i read that somewhere. and, at the risk of sounding super cheesy...i have been seeing a lot of rainbows lately, and i was driving yesterday and saw the brightest one yet. and God couldnt help creeping into my thoughts, telling me that it has to pour down rain and huge, black clouds have to form before you can have the beauty of a rainbow. i dont know if i agree with beauty existing only in struggle, but i do believe you can't have beauty without it.
letting go is what i am having a hard time doing. but i realized yesterday (also on the rainbow drive) that even if i didn't think matt and i were doing the right thing, holding on would still be stupid and counterproductive. because he wants it to be over, and he has good reasons, and that's enough. it is over! and to hold onto to something that doesn't exist anymore is just plain dumb. i realized i was being kind of self torturing there for a few days, namely seeing him when i knew it would hurt like hell. i feel somewhat better now that i have admitted to myself and him that i cant see him for awhile. i have to heal, i have to move on, i have to let go! it is proving a difficult task.
it seems that God keeps bringing me to these places in my life where there is nothing and no one holding me back from doing whatever i want. this is atleast the third time that has happened this summer. apon realizing it had happened yet again, i found myself screaming at God "where the heck do you want me to go, then???" all i really have right now is that internship in california, so now i am thinking of going there again. yes, i know i change my mind like every day. but i have to go somewhere eventually....right? it's hard when you find yourself in a place where you feel like you've lost everything. but it's good, because it shows how to truly trust God. i just have to keep on surviving, keep on struggling through these agonizing days. i know i will be ok, because somehow i always am, but right now...it sucks.
there's an emptiness inside her and she'd do anything to fill it in and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart she feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart -- dave matthews
letting go is what i am having a hard time doing. but i realized yesterday (also on the rainbow drive) that even if i didn't think matt and i were doing the right thing, holding on would still be stupid and counterproductive. because he wants it to be over, and he has good reasons, and that's enough. it is over! and to hold onto to something that doesn't exist anymore is just plain dumb. i realized i was being kind of self torturing there for a few days, namely seeing him when i knew it would hurt like hell. i feel somewhat better now that i have admitted to myself and him that i cant see him for awhile. i have to heal, i have to move on, i have to let go! it is proving a difficult task.
it seems that God keeps bringing me to these places in my life where there is nothing and no one holding me back from doing whatever i want. this is atleast the third time that has happened this summer. apon realizing it had happened yet again, i found myself screaming at God "where the heck do you want me to go, then???" all i really have right now is that internship in california, so now i am thinking of going there again. yes, i know i change my mind like every day. but i have to go somewhere eventually....right? it's hard when you find yourself in a place where you feel like you've lost everything. but it's good, because it shows how to truly trust God. i just have to keep on surviving, keep on struggling through these agonizing days. i know i will be ok, because somehow i always am, but right now...it sucks.
there's an emptiness inside her and she'd do anything to fill it in and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart she feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart -- dave matthews
8.24.2004
the best laid plans
i also considering titling this entry "goodbye richard." this is because on friends, monica dated this guy named richard but they broke up because he didn't want kids and she did. yeah, that pretty much happened to me and matt this last weekend. that wasn't the only reason we broke up, but it was one of two. i'm keeping the last one to myself because some things have to be private, or atleast not shared over the world wide web.
so this sucks. i think it is a good thing for the time being, but that doesn't make it suck any less. logic doesn't lessen the hurt. i know it will all be okay in the end, yadda yadda yadda. i also know that we took things super fast, and i wanted to slow down, but we couldn't. i wrote in my journal "can you stop a high powered locomotive?" that's what i felt like matt and i were. i wanted to slow down and work on a friendship, and stay in a romantic relationship, but that was proving impossible. the question now is, of course, what will happen in the future? right now he is all i want, but i am rational enough to realize that he might not be "the one." something good about this is that i feel truly forced to take it day by day, to trust God. i feel like i dont have a choice because taking more than one day at a time would be much too painful.
it seems every situation in my life shows me what a passionately feeling person i am. i'm realizing that i am the kind of person who throws and gives my whole self into the good things i see. unfortunately the opposite of great joy is great pain, and i truly believe you cant have one without the other. the pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal. i'm not sure who said that, and yes, i know it's a sucky deal, but it's life. life is pain, love is pain, and how depressing is this entry? joy wouldn't be as rich if we didn't have pain to compare it to, and if God hadn't given me the capacity to feel things fully, I dont think I'd be the kind of artist that I am, or that I would care about other people's pain so much. I have to take the bad with the good, feeling both fully is a part of who God has made me. it's not always an easy life, but i wouldn't want it a different way...at least most of the time i wouldn't. maybe this week i would.
I built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride -- jealous kind, jars of clay
so this sucks. i think it is a good thing for the time being, but that doesn't make it suck any less. logic doesn't lessen the hurt. i know it will all be okay in the end, yadda yadda yadda. i also know that we took things super fast, and i wanted to slow down, but we couldn't. i wrote in my journal "can you stop a high powered locomotive?" that's what i felt like matt and i were. i wanted to slow down and work on a friendship, and stay in a romantic relationship, but that was proving impossible. the question now is, of course, what will happen in the future? right now he is all i want, but i am rational enough to realize that he might not be "the one." something good about this is that i feel truly forced to take it day by day, to trust God. i feel like i dont have a choice because taking more than one day at a time would be much too painful.
it seems every situation in my life shows me what a passionately feeling person i am. i'm realizing that i am the kind of person who throws and gives my whole self into the good things i see. unfortunately the opposite of great joy is great pain, and i truly believe you cant have one without the other. the pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal. i'm not sure who said that, and yes, i know it's a sucky deal, but it's life. life is pain, love is pain, and how depressing is this entry? joy wouldn't be as rich if we didn't have pain to compare it to, and if God hadn't given me the capacity to feel things fully, I dont think I'd be the kind of artist that I am, or that I would care about other people's pain so much. I have to take the bad with the good, feeling both fully is a part of who God has made me. it's not always an easy life, but i wouldn't want it a different way...at least most of the time i wouldn't. maybe this week i would.
I built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride -- jealous kind, jars of clay
8.18.2004
i will sing
today was much better at the temp job than yesterday...this was mainly because the semi-mean supervisor lady wasn't working with us and some very nice temp ladies came in and i was able to talk as much as i want with them and the other dude. plus, we finished off clifford around 11 and then it was on to the passion of the christ. my joy was made complete by some guy changing the radio from 107.5 to 94.7, my favorite station. so, the eight hours i worked only seemed like 100 instead of 200. oh well...another 200 tomorrow and i'll be done.
close my eyes and hold my heart cover me and make me something change this something normal into something beautiful
all i can think about is how long i've been waiting to feel you move me
and i'm still fighting for the word to break these chains and i still pray when i look in your eyes you'd stare right back down into something beautiful
i'm listening to jars of clay right now...that song is called (shockingly enough) "something beautiful." again referring to wild at heart, it talks a lot in there about how what women truly desire is to unveil their beauty...to have someone think they are beautiful. and it is so true! somehow as we grow up we come to believe the lie that we aren't pretty and no one is ever coming to rescue us...no one will ever fight for us. i dont know how i came to believe that, but somehow i did. i'm glad i don't really believe that anymore, but i cant say it's not still a struggle. it makes me sad to think of when i believed that...and when i still do. eldredge says our coming to believe that is usually caused by our fathers not showing us that we were beautiful. i cant see how my dad did that...so i am left with curiousity and concern about how i came to think that was true.
you have led me to the sadness i have carried this pain on a back bruised, nearly broken
i'm crying out to you
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
when death like a gypsy comes to steal what i love i will still look to the heavens
i will still seek your face but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words
just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
while we wait for the rescue with our eyes tightly shut face to the ground, holding our hands
to cover the fatal cut though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around you have calmed greater waters higher mountains have come down
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
-- the valley song, jars of clay
i absolutely love that song, every word. it gives me hope when i feel hopeless, and that's pretty impressive. i bolded that non-chorus part because it is my favorite. God has seriously given those jars boys a gift, being able to put my feelings, intense crazy painful human feelings, into words. go God, go jars.
that song makes me think of singing...everything makes me think of singing lately. because all i want to do is get out there and sing...sing in front of people, perform, share songs, SING! so i know i want to do it, need to do it, am dying for the joy that it brings, but i dont know how to do it. that's my main problem with most of my gifts/career paths...accountants can open up the paper and look for accountant jobs, but you cant find singer or artist in the paper. ok, maybe you can, but it's just not such a clear path. which is good, i think i would be bored with a clear path, but i still feel stuck with a massive desire to sing, confusion on how to do it, and some guilt for not getting off my butt and doing it yet.
ok, so i was supposed to post this yesterday, but i got interuptted and then (shocker!) the internet/my computer was being dumb. so i am talking about yesterday, but it's not really that day anymore. here's a quick rundown of today's exciting news...
1. i got my car fixed!!! soooo happy about that one.
2. i only had to work like two hours at the stickering place today. when told i could leave, i was filled with a mixture of intense joy and relief that i was going to be able to keep my sanity after all and slight remorse for the money i would lose. the former quickly won out and i enjoyed my afternoon of sticker-free freedom.
3. i didnt get the job at miller paint. a little disapointing, but i'm glad that i wont be stuck in the o.c. afterall.
since no one has replied to my previous blog addressed to the faithful "the life of liz" readers, i can only assume that there are no faithful "the life of liz" blog readers. oh well. i feel like that girl on the princess diaries who finds out her cable access show only reaches 5 people. but maybe someday i'll be mia thermopolis and have a chance to speak to the whole (fictional) country of genovia...a girl can dream, right?
close my eyes and hold my heart cover me and make me something change this something normal into something beautiful
all i can think about is how long i've been waiting to feel you move me
and i'm still fighting for the word to break these chains and i still pray when i look in your eyes you'd stare right back down into something beautiful
i'm listening to jars of clay right now...that song is called (shockingly enough) "something beautiful." again referring to wild at heart, it talks a lot in there about how what women truly desire is to unveil their beauty...to have someone think they are beautiful. and it is so true! somehow as we grow up we come to believe the lie that we aren't pretty and no one is ever coming to rescue us...no one will ever fight for us. i dont know how i came to believe that, but somehow i did. i'm glad i don't really believe that anymore, but i cant say it's not still a struggle. it makes me sad to think of when i believed that...and when i still do. eldredge says our coming to believe that is usually caused by our fathers not showing us that we were beautiful. i cant see how my dad did that...so i am left with curiousity and concern about how i came to think that was true.
you have led me to the sadness i have carried this pain on a back bruised, nearly broken
i'm crying out to you
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
when death like a gypsy comes to steal what i love i will still look to the heavens
i will still seek your face but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words
just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
while we wait for the rescue with our eyes tightly shut face to the ground, holding our hands
to cover the fatal cut though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around you have calmed greater waters higher mountains have come down
i will sing of your mercy that leads me through vallies of sorrow to rivers of joy
-- the valley song, jars of clay
i absolutely love that song, every word. it gives me hope when i feel hopeless, and that's pretty impressive. i bolded that non-chorus part because it is my favorite. God has seriously given those jars boys a gift, being able to put my feelings, intense crazy painful human feelings, into words. go God, go jars.
that song makes me think of singing...everything makes me think of singing lately. because all i want to do is get out there and sing...sing in front of people, perform, share songs, SING! so i know i want to do it, need to do it, am dying for the joy that it brings, but i dont know how to do it. that's my main problem with most of my gifts/career paths...accountants can open up the paper and look for accountant jobs, but you cant find singer or artist in the paper. ok, maybe you can, but it's just not such a clear path. which is good, i think i would be bored with a clear path, but i still feel stuck with a massive desire to sing, confusion on how to do it, and some guilt for not getting off my butt and doing it yet.
ok, so i was supposed to post this yesterday, but i got interuptted and then (shocker!) the internet/my computer was being dumb. so i am talking about yesterday, but it's not really that day anymore. here's a quick rundown of today's exciting news...
1. i got my car fixed!!! soooo happy about that one.
2. i only had to work like two hours at the stickering place today. when told i could leave, i was filled with a mixture of intense joy and relief that i was going to be able to keep my sanity after all and slight remorse for the money i would lose. the former quickly won out and i enjoyed my afternoon of sticker-free freedom.
3. i didnt get the job at miller paint. a little disapointing, but i'm glad that i wont be stuck in the o.c. afterall.
since no one has replied to my previous blog addressed to the faithful "the life of liz" readers, i can only assume that there are no faithful "the life of liz" blog readers. oh well. i feel like that girl on the princess diaries who finds out her cable access show only reaches 5 people. but maybe someday i'll be mia thermopolis and have a chance to speak to the whole (fictional) country of genovia...a girl can dream, right?
8.17.2004
before i was famous
today i acquired a temp job putting labels on videos and dvds. that was about all i knew as my dad drove me there, and i had a large fear that said videos and dvds might be porn. they had also told me not to wear loose clothing, and i somehow related that to my fear. however, to my relief, ingraham entertainment was not a porn manufacturer. i spent the whole day putting price stickers on "clifford's really big movie." after being subtlely reprimanded for saying like two sentences to another temp guy, i accepted my silent fate and kept on stickering. thus, i had lots of time to think, in particular of all the odd jobs i've done. i figure i'll post a list, so that when i'm famous, one of you can sell it to us magazine for one of their "what celebrities did before they were famous!"articles.
1. folding five garbage bags full of clean socks for $10/hr.
2. watering plants at home depot for four tortuous days
3. stickering videos and dvds
4. helping cut down trees in a poison oak infested forest for a theatre set
5. cutting out hundreds of paper paw prints for gfu registration day
6. scanning countless huge binders full of interior design slides for almost a year
so there you have it. i'm not the glamorous person i appear to be. i, in fact, am so desperate for money that i will sticker clifford movies for three days. all i really have to say is, it should have been called "clifford's big red movie" because he's clifford the big red dog! that came to me after hours of sticking and thinking the title was dumb. so at the end of the day i ask the supervisor lady if i can bring a walkman tomorrow (since you know, i only needed to speak like three times all day and it's not like it's a question-intense job or anything like that) and she said no. fine! if you want to be miserable, i guess i'll be right there with ya! nah, it's not that bad, and i am muy thankful to be making some money.
on a more serious note, i thought i'd ask all of you dedicated the life of liz blog readers about your opinion on an issue. what do you think about listening to God and getting messages from him? like trying to seek God's answer to a question like "what school should i go to?" or "should i take this job?" and how do you know when it's him talking and not yourself, satan, a radio next door, etc. ? i have some opinions on this, but i am curious to know what you all think first. so comment on this blog if you feel so inclined.
"these are the days that must happen to you." -- walt whitman
1. folding five garbage bags full of clean socks for $10/hr.
2. watering plants at home depot for four tortuous days
3. stickering videos and dvds
4. helping cut down trees in a poison oak infested forest for a theatre set
5. cutting out hundreds of paper paw prints for gfu registration day
6. scanning countless huge binders full of interior design slides for almost a year
so there you have it. i'm not the glamorous person i appear to be. i, in fact, am so desperate for money that i will sticker clifford movies for three days. all i really have to say is, it should have been called "clifford's big red movie" because he's clifford the big red dog! that came to me after hours of sticking and thinking the title was dumb. so at the end of the day i ask the supervisor lady if i can bring a walkman tomorrow (since you know, i only needed to speak like three times all day and it's not like it's a question-intense job or anything like that) and she said no. fine! if you want to be miserable, i guess i'll be right there with ya! nah, it's not that bad, and i am muy thankful to be making some money.
on a more serious note, i thought i'd ask all of you dedicated the life of liz blog readers about your opinion on an issue. what do you think about listening to God and getting messages from him? like trying to seek God's answer to a question like "what school should i go to?" or "should i take this job?" and how do you know when it's him talking and not yourself, satan, a radio next door, etc. ? i have some opinions on this, but i am curious to know what you all think first. so comment on this blog if you feel so inclined.
"these are the days that must happen to you." -- walt whitman
8.14.2004
day by brutal day
brace yourself: this might be a little depressing. so i think i already knew this, but i have come to fully realize that i am in a very sucky place right now. see, i am living with my dad and my brother and i hate it since my parents are going through a divorce. plus, i dont really have a job, so i dont have any money to move out. plus, my car is broken, and i need a few benjamins to fix it. so i have to pay for that first before i can move the heck out of here!
but i think things are looking up. first, i think i figured out where i want to live for awhile...mcminnville. it's a cool town full of cool people. plus, it's close to the berg which is also home to some more cool people. plus, i have an interview at miller paint in oregon city. which wont really work out if i want to live in mcminnville, but oh well. today i made some money babysitting, which was very nice. so now i only need 2.5 benjamins. yeah!
i hope i dont sound like a pathetic complainer...this is just the way things are right now. i cant wait til i have my own place again...it will truly be a beautiful thing. so i forgot to mention some of my other favorite kids...they are my favorite 16 month olds, and I can have two because they are twins. leo and soren. i know, those names are to die for! they are who i babysat for today, which is always a fun but exhausting experience. two very active little boys i tell ya! but so dang adorable. they are such little charmers...flash you a smile and you melt.
ok, i feel like i am pointlessly babbling. i guess it's ok not to always have something profound to say. oh yeah! i wanted to say i watched kill bill vol.2 the other night and i was a little disapointed. it was chock full of long speeches of explanation that i could have done without. it just wasnt as riveting as the first. there was one crazy freaky part though...where uma plucks this lady's eye ball out! then she steps on it with her bare feet and squashes it between her toes. now THAT'S bad ass!
but i think things are looking up. first, i think i figured out where i want to live for awhile...mcminnville. it's a cool town full of cool people. plus, it's close to the berg which is also home to some more cool people. plus, i have an interview at miller paint in oregon city. which wont really work out if i want to live in mcminnville, but oh well. today i made some money babysitting, which was very nice. so now i only need 2.5 benjamins. yeah!
i hope i dont sound like a pathetic complainer...this is just the way things are right now. i cant wait til i have my own place again...it will truly be a beautiful thing. so i forgot to mention some of my other favorite kids...they are my favorite 16 month olds, and I can have two because they are twins. leo and soren. i know, those names are to die for! they are who i babysat for today, which is always a fun but exhausting experience. two very active little boys i tell ya! but so dang adorable. they are such little charmers...flash you a smile and you melt.
ok, i feel like i am pointlessly babbling. i guess it's ok not to always have something profound to say. oh yeah! i wanted to say i watched kill bill vol.2 the other night and i was a little disapointed. it was chock full of long speeches of explanation that i could have done without. it just wasnt as riveting as the first. there was one crazy freaky part though...where uma plucks this lady's eye ball out! then she steps on it with her bare feet and squashes it between her toes. now THAT'S bad ass!
8.12.2004
future me
i just have one quick thing to say. everyone should go to this cool website i just found, www.futureme.org. you can write yourself a letter to be delivered at any time in the future that you specify. i chose one year. you can also read what other people wrote to themselves...some of them are pretty damn funny.
also, if you want to see some sweet art (and i know you do!!!) go to www.sabrinawardharrison.com. that's who i'm interning for. she rocks big time! speaking of rocking, i played the drums today for the first time in forever! it was pretty much orgasmic. I LOVE PLAYING THE DRUMS! must...join...band....soon! do it!
the place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. -- frederick buechner
also, if you want to see some sweet art (and i know you do!!!) go to www.sabrinawardharrison.com. that's who i'm interning for. she rocks big time! speaking of rocking, i played the drums today for the first time in forever! it was pretty much orgasmic. I LOVE PLAYING THE DRUMS! must...join...band....soon! do it!
the place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. -- frederick buechner
8.11.2004
desperately dependent
my daddy is so nice. today he took me a temp agency and waited a grueling THREE HOURS for me to finish my business there, which included filling out about a million papers with my name and address, taking a typing/word/excel/10-key aptitude test, and even peeing in a cup. all i have to say is, i better damn well get a job out of this one. oh, and by the way, no, i am NOT going to nor have i ever filed a false workman's comp claim! so stop asking me!!!
tonight brian and possibly tim are coming over to watch kill bill vol. 2 and eat nachos. i am so excited. i havent been able to wait to see it since i watched the first one with brian while eating nachos. even if you hate bloody violence, you should see it because (and this is such an artsy thing to say) it is a beautiful film, completely riveting.
last night i was reading wild at heart and eldredge said, "ours was meant to be a desperately dependent existence." we're the branches, God is the trunk. right then and there i realized i wasn't depending on God nearly enough with this whole job search/can i afford to move to SF thing. i'm torn because part of me thinks i should be reckless and crazy and go move in to a place i dont even know and somehow get a job in sf and just go for it in less than a month...but another part of me thinks that's totally financially and logistically unrealistic. i mean, right now i just need money to get my car fixed. of course, i need a car to take me to the job to make the money...and thus, i label this situation with my current favorite word: conundrum. i guess my big question is...what does God want me to do? i learned over the course of college that God's will isnt like a tightrope (i heard that somewhere) and i fully believe that God will bless the path i choose, but i feel like he's got to have some ideal path in his mind, and i dont want to miss that.
"when we begin to offer not only our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful." (another eldredge quote) i think that is so rad because over the last few years i feel like that is exactly what i've wanted my art to be: a union of talent and honesty. i think honesty is what people respond to the strongest, the idea that they are not alone in their crazy messed up feelings and lives. the truth is so beautiful...even if it is hard and dark. i think we find true meaning and beauty in the places we try the hardest to avoid...our weaknesses and shortfalls. as usual, dan haseltine says it best...
we were looking for redemption it was hidden in the landscape of loss and love and fire and rain i never would have come this way looking for redemption -dan haseltine
tonight brian and possibly tim are coming over to watch kill bill vol. 2 and eat nachos. i am so excited. i havent been able to wait to see it since i watched the first one with brian while eating nachos. even if you hate bloody violence, you should see it because (and this is such an artsy thing to say) it is a beautiful film, completely riveting.
last night i was reading wild at heart and eldredge said, "ours was meant to be a desperately dependent existence." we're the branches, God is the trunk. right then and there i realized i wasn't depending on God nearly enough with this whole job search/can i afford to move to SF thing. i'm torn because part of me thinks i should be reckless and crazy and go move in to a place i dont even know and somehow get a job in sf and just go for it in less than a month...but another part of me thinks that's totally financially and logistically unrealistic. i mean, right now i just need money to get my car fixed. of course, i need a car to take me to the job to make the money...and thus, i label this situation with my current favorite word: conundrum. i guess my big question is...what does God want me to do? i learned over the course of college that God's will isnt like a tightrope (i heard that somewhere) and i fully believe that God will bless the path i choose, but i feel like he's got to have some ideal path in his mind, and i dont want to miss that.
"when we begin to offer not only our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful." (another eldredge quote) i think that is so rad because over the last few years i feel like that is exactly what i've wanted my art to be: a union of talent and honesty. i think honesty is what people respond to the strongest, the idea that they are not alone in their crazy messed up feelings and lives. the truth is so beautiful...even if it is hard and dark. i think we find true meaning and beauty in the places we try the hardest to avoid...our weaknesses and shortfalls. as usual, dan haseltine says it best...
we were looking for redemption it was hidden in the landscape of loss and love and fire and rain i never would have come this way looking for redemption -dan haseltine
8.09.2004
another boring late night
i am doing my post-college nightly routine, which involves sitting in what was formerly my dad's recliner, watching tv, taking care of email and internet business, watching the 11 o clock news, and then enjoying the best that late night tv has to offer. i choose between letterman and leno by who has the best guests, and then if i'm still awake after that, it's all about the conan. that guy is so hilarious, he pretty much single handedly inspired me to watch late night tv in the first place.
today mostly consisted of sleeping and job searching. tomorrow i have got to fax/email about a million resumes. i'm so dang reluctant to apply for these jobs because i'm afraid i'll get stuck in oregon living at home. but i need money and i can quit whenever i want, so i need to just do it. i applied at two starbucks today! i truly am a college art graduate! this last year at our art academy awards, there was a whole spoof on how gfu art alumni staff all the local coffee shops. it was funny because it was true...well, i'm not laughing any more.
so leno wins tonight because tom cruise is on. plus it's monday so he does headlines which are pretty hilarious. i really miss my new man, matt. or matty as i like to call him. yes, i am one of those pathetic girls that misses their boyfriend when they just saw them yesterday. this hot weather has got to stop NOW! i hate it, i hate it, i hate it! it makes me never want to leave my home. what has happened to my wonderful, rainy, cold state of oregon? evil global warming...
today mostly consisted of sleeping and job searching. tomorrow i have got to fax/email about a million resumes. i'm so dang reluctant to apply for these jobs because i'm afraid i'll get stuck in oregon living at home. but i need money and i can quit whenever i want, so i need to just do it. i applied at two starbucks today! i truly am a college art graduate! this last year at our art academy awards, there was a whole spoof on how gfu art alumni staff all the local coffee shops. it was funny because it was true...well, i'm not laughing any more.
so leno wins tonight because tom cruise is on. plus it's monday so he does headlines which are pretty hilarious. i really miss my new man, matt. or matty as i like to call him. yes, i am one of those pathetic girls that misses their boyfriend when they just saw them yesterday. this hot weather has got to stop NOW! i hate it, i hate it, i hate it! it makes me never want to leave my home. what has happened to my wonderful, rainy, cold state of oregon? evil global warming...
8.07.2004
wild at heart, caged at home
so i am reading this book called wild at heart by john eldridge. i'm diggin it so far, and here's one reason why. one cool point he makes is that both men and women were created in the image of God, therefore both men and women reveal something essential about the heart of God. i think that's pretty darn rad. he sums up men as revealing God's strength, and women as revealing God's beauty. Both strength and beauty are fundamental parts of who God is, and that is why we are so captivated by what we see in ourselves and in each other. pretty awesome, i think. women want to be loved...it is an essential part of who we are...and that reveals to us that God, too, wants to be loved, longs for us to worship and admire him and who he is.
so my dad is having a garage sale today and my brother is trying to take my stuff out of the shop and shove it somewhere else. i told him to put it back, dammit, i need somewhere to put my stuff, too. dont even start with me right now, liz...he says. i'll just end up yelling at you. okay, fine. have two cars and a welding studio and a weight room and nevermind me, i'll just shove my drumset, my art studio, and all my other crap into my room. yeah...right. sometimes i really cant wait to move out again. other times, i'm happy because this place is free. free as in no rent, but not free as in no stress or annoying loud music or brothers who think they own the world. my parents are going through a divorce right now, something i thought would never, ever happen to me, but...shocker! it did. and it is. and living with my dad during this time is not cool. even though he says my brother and i being here saved his life...but no pressure! if you werent here, i surely would have ended it all, but please, go and find your own place. it all comes back to the evil $, with which i will hopefully sometime soon aquire a haven of some sort. with an art studio. and a place for my drums.
if my life is for rent and i dont want to buy then i desire nothing more than i get, for nothing i have is truly mine -- dido
so my dad is having a garage sale today and my brother is trying to take my stuff out of the shop and shove it somewhere else. i told him to put it back, dammit, i need somewhere to put my stuff, too. dont even start with me right now, liz...he says. i'll just end up yelling at you. okay, fine. have two cars and a welding studio and a weight room and nevermind me, i'll just shove my drumset, my art studio, and all my other crap into my room. yeah...right. sometimes i really cant wait to move out again. other times, i'm happy because this place is free. free as in no rent, but not free as in no stress or annoying loud music or brothers who think they own the world. my parents are going through a divorce right now, something i thought would never, ever happen to me, but...shocker! it did. and it is. and living with my dad during this time is not cool. even though he says my brother and i being here saved his life...but no pressure! if you werent here, i surely would have ended it all, but please, go and find your own place. it all comes back to the evil $, with which i will hopefully sometime soon aquire a haven of some sort. with an art studio. and a place for my drums.
if my life is for rent and i dont want to buy then i desire nothing more than i get, for nothing i have is truly mine -- dido
8.05.2004
the blog bandwagon
yep, i've jumped on it. the blog bandwagon that is. it's hard to say how often i will blog, since i already have my journal, but the goal is often. i have lots of thoughts, and lots of words to say, and would like to share them with my friends, family, enemies, the general public, etc. today was a good day...so far. my new man matt took me out on his motorcycle for a surprise. that's right...i've got a new man, AND he has a motorcycle. now i am like this total biker babe. it's pretty sweet. i never planned on being a biker babe, but it makes me feel bad ass, and anything that makes me feel bad ass is ok with me.
i'm just chillin at the cummings', watching matea and shamelessly using thier fast internet. ok, so i'm not really watching matea at the moment, she's sleeping, but you get the picture. matea is the cutest 18 month old that i know. geneva is the cutest 20 month old, and i just might have met the cutest 8 month old the other day, a little girl named claire. yeah, i freaking love kids. especially babies. they make my life happy. i dont think i've ever really accepted the whole 'growing up' thing, and perhaps that is why i love kids so much. i want the privileges of an adult with the freedom of childhood...ahh, yes, the perfect life.
after about 3 months of sheer post-college boredom and self-doubt, God (or the big G as i sometimes like to call him) decided it was finally time to drop some good stuff on me. in one day (the best day i'd had in 3 months) he sent me matt, a possible internship, and a load of new friends. it was like, BAM! look what three months of late nights with conan has earned you! a life! finally. i was really starting to doubt it's arrival. frankly, i owe it all to my good friend shanna and a wonderful organization called the ipnc (international pinot noir festival). she hooked me up with a job with them and wa-la! boyfriend, money, friends, internship...and best of all, finally feeling content again with the big G. remembering how much he loves me. i've always said that i love him, but i've doubted rather i really mean it or not. well, he gave me a revelation....i love him for loving me. and since i know he loves me, i know i love him. because that's why i love him. follow me?
so yesterday (approx 2 weeks after ipnc) God decided it was time for some more good news. i don't often pray specific prayers, but i did recently and God said yes. in the search for something meaningful to start my career off with, there was one thing that i really wanted...an internship with sabrina ward harrison, my most favorite artist ever. she is a huge influence/inspriration on my art, and i decided to shoot her an email begging for an internship. yesterday i talked to her office assistant on the phone, and.... she offered me an internship! i freaking couldnt believe it. i mean, i still dont, to be honest. finally...the opportunity i've been waiting for has landed in my lap. just like my great friends said it would.
in order to do the internship, which is unpaid (dont even get me started on how stupid i think money is), i have to get some kind of other job to make said evil money. so today i started a full throttle maniac job search (it's amazing what a little motivation can do for you...i got up approx 4 hours earlier than usual) in the hopes of making as much money as possible as quickly as possible so that maybe i can go to san francisco in september. i can do the internship from home, but going to the source is of course what i really want.
so, things are going so well i cant even believe it. yet i should. ask, and it shall be given to you. seek, and you will find. knock, and the door will be opened unto you ... for who of you, though you are human, would give your son a stone if he asked for a fish? or a rock if he asked for a snake? if you then, though you are human, know how to give good gifts, how much more does your father who loves you? for every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -- the liz hughes' memory translation of the bible
i'm just chillin at the cummings', watching matea and shamelessly using thier fast internet. ok, so i'm not really watching matea at the moment, she's sleeping, but you get the picture. matea is the cutest 18 month old that i know. geneva is the cutest 20 month old, and i just might have met the cutest 8 month old the other day, a little girl named claire. yeah, i freaking love kids. especially babies. they make my life happy. i dont think i've ever really accepted the whole 'growing up' thing, and perhaps that is why i love kids so much. i want the privileges of an adult with the freedom of childhood...ahh, yes, the perfect life.
after about 3 months of sheer post-college boredom and self-doubt, God (or the big G as i sometimes like to call him) decided it was finally time to drop some good stuff on me. in one day (the best day i'd had in 3 months) he sent me matt, a possible internship, and a load of new friends. it was like, BAM! look what three months of late nights with conan has earned you! a life! finally. i was really starting to doubt it's arrival. frankly, i owe it all to my good friend shanna and a wonderful organization called the ipnc (international pinot noir festival). she hooked me up with a job with them and wa-la! boyfriend, money, friends, internship...and best of all, finally feeling content again with the big G. remembering how much he loves me. i've always said that i love him, but i've doubted rather i really mean it or not. well, he gave me a revelation....i love him for loving me. and since i know he loves me, i know i love him. because that's why i love him. follow me?
so yesterday (approx 2 weeks after ipnc) God decided it was time for some more good news. i don't often pray specific prayers, but i did recently and God said yes. in the search for something meaningful to start my career off with, there was one thing that i really wanted...an internship with sabrina ward harrison, my most favorite artist ever. she is a huge influence/inspriration on my art, and i decided to shoot her an email begging for an internship. yesterday i talked to her office assistant on the phone, and.... she offered me an internship! i freaking couldnt believe it. i mean, i still dont, to be honest. finally...the opportunity i've been waiting for has landed in my lap. just like my great friends said it would.
in order to do the internship, which is unpaid (dont even get me started on how stupid i think money is), i have to get some kind of other job to make said evil money. so today i started a full throttle maniac job search (it's amazing what a little motivation can do for you...i got up approx 4 hours earlier than usual) in the hopes of making as much money as possible as quickly as possible so that maybe i can go to san francisco in september. i can do the internship from home, but going to the source is of course what i really want.
so, things are going so well i cant even believe it. yet i should. ask, and it shall be given to you. seek, and you will find. knock, and the door will be opened unto you ... for who of you, though you are human, would give your son a stone if he asked for a fish? or a rock if he asked for a snake? if you then, though you are human, know how to give good gifts, how much more does your father who loves you? for every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -- the liz hughes' memory translation of the bible
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