thwarted...again!

for the past few months, i have had a secret (and then not-so-secret) crush on an adorable boy with shocking red hair who works at the video store. every sunday at work, we rent a movie. every sunday, i see steven. we smile. we talk. i leave, grinning.

today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.

i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.

i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.

i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.

i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.

i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.

"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.

"i would..."

but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?

"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."

it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.

"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.

i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.

i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.

no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin

4 33 26

lately i have been thinking about love/hate relationships, and the things i do that i really don't want to do/the things i don't do that i really want to do. i get these ideas in my head for collages, beautiful, inspiring collages, but i don't sit down and make them. instead i take long naps. i sleep in, and i find excuses. i want to sing in a band, to write songs about all the ways my heart is wrenched every day, but i don't. i think i'm not good enough, my words not original enough. and then there are the mistakes i make, the ones i know i should stop making, the behaviors i ultimately hate, but that part of me loves. life is full of so much contradiction, and so little balance.

i am officially a stylish city dweller as of last tuesday. i got an ipod. i remember when ipods were just out of my reach, and it was one of those things i wanted but never thought i'd really be able to get. thanks to the wonder of credit cards, that dream is now a reality. the best thing about my lovely white ipod (which perfectly matches my lovely white ibook) is that i bought a rainbow of little ipod crew socks to go with it. yes, i know, there are a lot of "i"s in this paragraph, a lot of "i"s in my heart, but i have a whole rationale about my new apple electronics that i will spare you, just know that it puts me at peace and doesn't make me feel so i-centered.

tonight i was riding the bus through cambridge, listening to matt nathanson on my ipod, which was wearing the lime green crew sock today, and it hit me. i can't freaking believe i live here. cambridge is the most amazing, surprising, eclectic, artistic city, and it is my city. i broke into a huge, ridiculous grin right there on the bus at 12:30 am and i asked God to help me remember what a gift it is to live here. almost four years ago, i visited boston to see my friend jen, and we took the t to cambridge, over a then unfamiliar bridge, to visit harvard. i was captivated by this town. it seemed like the kind of place i would love to live, but never would, a dream just out of my reach. as it turns out, sometimes the things we long for actually come true.

show me how pretty the world is...

tell me does the world revolve the same?
tell me do the people all take care of you
did you doubt the curve of the earth?

i'm covered by lovers
who recite lines
convinced that their bodies
are gonna save mine
but you don't know me at all

show me where the sun comes through the sky
i'll show you where the rain gets in
and i'll show you hurricanes
and the way that summer fades
underneath the weight of it all

show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
matt nathanson

you can ask me what the numbers mean, but i can't promise i'll tell you.

the whole truth and nothing but?

i have encountered some people recently (don't worry, i'm not talking about any of you, i don't give my blog address to jerks) who think that as long as they are saying what they believe to be the truth, it doesn't matter how they say it, or if it's rude. it's the truth, dammit, and they are going to share it with no regard for the emotional consequences. and the worst part is, when you try and share with them how it made you feel, they just don't get it. how could the truth be rude? how could what i think not be the truth? how could i have come to the wrong conclusions?

i think i used to think a little like them, i'm ashamed to say. i have a big mouth, and i have an extremely hard time keeping information to myself, so i think i have to tell everyone everything. but i am discovering the joy of keeping some choice morsels to myself, or only sharing them with one person. i'm learning that sometimes not sharing is the best idea, and it can feel much more powerful than vomiting out all of your deepest thoughts and secrets. strangely enough, it's harder for me to hold back then to it is for me to go for it. at least in some areas of my life.

i'm acquiring a lovely collection of music on my lovely white computer. i like putting itunes on random and letting the soundtrack flow. here are some lyrics have been grabbing at my heart lately...

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time... death cab for cutie

nothing hurts when i go to sleep... ben folds

not talking about a year, or maybe three or four
i don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore
forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends... ben harper

chipped red nail polish

i've had a rough couple of days.

first, i went out dancing on thursday night. that was great, and the only reason i mention it here is because when i dance like that, i exhaust myself.

so friday, i was exhausted. i was riding the bus when my friend called, and he wanted to talk about something kind of difficult. since i have manners (unlike some of the other people i ride the bus with) i did not have the conversation on the bus. instead i had to postpone it until the next night, which annoyed me to say the least.

work on friday night was crazy. one of our girls was really acting up, and i knew it was only going to continue to escalate on saturday, and i had to be back at work at 8:30 that morning. unfortunately i was right and i had to call the police due to her behavior. it was a little scary.

so saturday night, i was too exhausted to go out. so i napped and waited for the awkward phone call. it came around midnight. afterwards, i had a hard time going to sleep.

while walking to church this morning, i was congratulating myself on only being 15 minutes late. then i looked at my cell phone. as if by some evil black magic, the time had changed, and suddenly i was an hour and 15 minutes late. then it hit me like a ton of bricks (i love cliche metaphors). i had forgotten about stupid daylight savings time, just like i'd predicted i would.

so i missed the entire service. i loitered around the lobby looking for friends, located some, and spent a nice, quirky afternoon with them. we had a dollar store gift exchange. i got a loofah.

then it was back to work, where i recieved the rudest email i have ever read in my entire life. that was unpleasant, to say the least. then, to top it all off, i was sitting on the office floor and the nastiest bug i've seen in awhile (it was kind of see-through and had about a hundred legs) went scurrying by me. i attempted to smash it with my shoe while screaming, then didn't see it on the bottom of my shoe, then saw it on the side of my shoe and kicked my shoe off across the room, which landed on my bag, making me think the bug body was now in my bag. i conducted a thorough search and i never found the body. excellent.

a little fyi for all the male life of liz blog readers: women do not want to know the name of the other woman. the one you left us for, the one you dated before us, the one you like more than us. we would prefer her to remain a nameless, faceless entity. and she doesn't want to know our name, either.

those are ridiculously surprising shoes. my friend john, when he looked down and noticed my gold ballet flats in church today

surprise!

surprise!

like a thief in the night
you left me
sobbing, crying
in rows of target bathing suits
motorcycle drive by
all alone

ribs ripped open
heart exposed
beating, throbbing
i want to hurt
in any way but this
but underneath your black
get up kids t, it is
still steady

singing, painting
suddenly
you return
to the scene of the crime
orange sweater and fall out boy
do me a favor
and give me a little warning
next time

patterns

in the last six months, i have met and briefly dated two guys who were moving back to California.

once i start watching an episode of a crime drama or a reality show, i can't stop til the end.

since moving to boston, i have been in two car accidents, gotten one ticket, and been towed once, and bent my axle sliding into a curb in the snow.

my last two boyfriends were named matt.

even numbers from 0 to 10: i was born on 2.2.82. i graduated high school on 6.2.2000. i turned 20 on 02.02.2002. i am now 24.

i cant stop listening to the song "from california" by the new amsterdams.

i tend to naughty things when i go out dancing.

the only part of the paper i read is the living/arts section, aka the 'sidekick' in the boston globe.

my serious crushes from my junior year of high school through my sophomore year of college all had three-letter names (cam, jon, tim).

i'm obsessed with taking pictures of grafitti and stickers.

whenever i see something potentially interesting on the ground, i pick it up. if it is indeed interesting, i keep it. if not, i put it back where i found it.

if a song hurts my heart, i listen to it again and again. i like sad songs.

i stay up too late and hate getting out of my bed.

i have a chronic tardiness problem.

i buy cheap, super trendy flats from payless that i think are ugly two months later.

whenever i see a baby or toddler, i squeal, stare, and make funny faces at it.

when i get off work at midnight, i call my best friend brian to shoot the breeze. it's only 9 pm in oregon.