idiots!

the world is full of them! napoleon dynamite knows it, and i know it, too! there seems to be a large concentration of them at roth's...which is quite unfortunate. my days at work are measured in many ways: time (duh), water, breaks, and cd's. i am trying to drink my eight glasses of water a day, so that means two 32 ounce water bottles a day. i try to finish one before my lunch and one after. i take my breaks at 11 am (15 min), 1 pm (1 hour) and 4 pm (15 min). i take them late so that when i get back not much time is left until the next one or the end of the day. i figure most cd's are 30 -40 minutes long, so each time i pop in a new one, i'm guaranteed a good chunk of time passing somewhat quickly and pleasantly. so a work day lasts 2 bottles, 3 breaks, and 12-16 cds.

wasn't that fascinating? by the way, i may have been just a tad over optimistic about the whole christmas thing. it was kind of a hard day. i'll leave it at that. and you should be grateful, because i hardly ever leave anything at that. i'm not sure what to write now that i'm at a computer, besides the usual complaints...i cant stand working by myself, not happy with my life, yadda yadda yadda! but this week begins my new and improved schedule, so we'll see if that helps. i'm not holding my breath. i kind of shot myself in the foot for this week by working on sunday to make up for saturday, therefore creating two mondays: sunday, the day i kept thinking was monday, and today, actually monday. one monday is hard enough to swallow, let alone two. what was i thinking? i forgot the wise words i live by..."hard work pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now."

i'm not the biggest fan of new year's resolutions (or new year's eve for that matter) because they tend to bring back my legalistic overachiever tendancies of yesteryear, but i always have a mental "what to do to improve my life and self" list in my head, so i thought i'd write a few of those down in the spirit of the holiday.

1. perform music! sing and play drums in a band
2. find an artsy church community to be a part of
3. volunteer in mcminnville

i really am trying not to lose my mind, but it is hard at times. i am hoping the above three things will help.

a new kind of christmas

here i sit at my parents' archaic computer on christmas eve pondering the strangest christmas i have known so far in my fairly short life. the last 21 christmases have included such things as elaborate lighting displays by my dad to stun the neighbors, a tree bursting with gifts despite annual warnings that "we dont have much money this year", traditions like opening one present on christmas eve, cinnamon rolls in the morning, and stockings hung by the mantle with care. you get it, the whole american christmas shebang. and i loved it. the older i got, the more i questioned the merit of it all, but i still enjoyed the traditions and the time with my family. and let's be honest...who doesn't love getting presents?

this year is completely different. as a result of my parent's divorce, the home i grew up in and am tonight spending the night in is almost completely devoid of any signs of christmas. no decorations, no tree, no lights, no stockings. the thing is, i dont feel that sad about it...or perhaps to put it more accurately, i dont feel any less loved. i know my parents feelings towards me have not changed at all. this is a good feeling. tomorrow i will experience the most dysfunctional christmas i have ever known, but that is ok. i dont feel sorry for myself...i'm just observing my surroundings. i have joined the ranks of the many split families that celebrate christmas each year, and i just feel like i'm starting a new phase in my life. i feel like christmas is such a children's holiday anyhow, so i'm thankful that my childhood christmases were so great.

my mom and i celebrated christmas eve this year the way it should be celebrated...by going shopping for ourselves! ok, my mom funded the expedition, because i am completely penniless, but it was fun nonetheless. ok, i am falling asleep. it's time to go curl up on the loveseat with my true love...sleep. good night and happy holidays.

bam!

profound thoughts always seem to strike me when i'm driving. this afternoon it was the realization that i'm losing faith in the idea that God can make me happy. it's not that i think someone or something else can, it's that i'm starting to think no one and nothing can. there's an uplifting thought for ya! then there's the whole idea that we're 'not at home' here on earth and we'll never really be fully happy here, but i don't think God wants us to not be happy here...yikes. conundrum of the century.

perhaps (ok, not perhaps, i know i do) i just think too much and i just need to knock it off and go with the flow and try and be happy. but i just don't work that way and i know it. sometimes it's as though i'm waiting for something to make me happy, but then i know nothing and no one can. if you're not happy without it, you wont be happy with it. and it's not that i'm miserable by any means...it's just...i'm...something seems to be missing.

the other thing that's got me down today is the evil dollar (again). God always comes through for me in that way, so i'm not completely freaking out, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't pretty worried. i need to sit down and write my budget with my rent and lovely college loan payment. this will either make me feel better or much, much worse. that remains to be seen.

i'm hoping to do something fairly fun this evening, with denice and possibly brian. it'll have to be free of course. tomorrow i work, my last saturday working and i couldn't be happier, and then sunday it'll be out to the o.c. for christmas church with my mom back at the old home church. this should be pretty fun if i can stop stressing about gas money. next thursday and friday my mom and i are going to the beach, and this too should be fun and a nice break. i am looking forward to it.

man, do i feel like i have the world's worst attitude.

"half of the time we're gone and we dont know where, don't know where..." simon and garfunkel, the only living boy in new york (favorite song of the week)

dreams of seven

last night while i was driving home from the berg an interesting thought struck me. i realized that often i have cared more for guys i've liked but haven't dated than the ones i actually did date. i know that i have rationalized some boyfriends from category 2 (idiots) and this often becomes clear post-break up. i miss these exboyfriends from time to time because of the emotional connection we formed, but i know deep down that the way i cared about them doesn't compare to the way i thought i could care for those others, and the potential i saw for what kind of a connection we could have had.

"well i dreamt i saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky, while you stood there, counting crows. one for sorrow, two for joy, three for girls and four for boys, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told..." adam duritz

black and white

it's been so long since i've been able to sit down and write whatever i want, i dont know where to start. my new (and yes, i love it) apartment has no internet connectivity so far, so opportunities to blog are few and far between. the basic update of my life is that i have been living in my new apt for about 2 weeks, and am currently decorating/unpacking/scraping together furniture in the what seems like only a few hours that i am not working. i love where i live, i love my apartment, love, love, love, that pretty much ends when i walk out the door. i've been slowly torturing myself to death with the realization that i hate working by myself for a couple of weeks now, each day dragging on for seemingly an eternity. however, this has become rather exhausting, so a change in attitude and schedule revision are underway. i will now work monday-friday, instead of monday-saturday, and it will go like this: mon-wed: chalk art at roth's; thu: geneva; fri: barista at roth's. and then, of course, the amazing phenomenon i haven't experienced in so long called a WEEKEND! i can hardly wait to reacquaint myself with its beauty. two days off in a row...it will be a little slice of heaven.

today i developed a theory. ok, i put into words something i've thought forever, but close enough. the theory is this: all the atleast somewhat attractive, possibly cool males around me (aka guys i could possibly see myself liking) fit into one of three categories: one - married. two - idiot. three - too young. so what i have to do (eventually) is find someone who doesnt fit into any of those categories. this seems nearly impossible. take for example, two guys at my work, we'll call them stan and jimmy. stan is the new guy who is pretty hot. after a few walkbys and near-introductions, i see that he has that terrible hunk of metal on his left hand...the wedding ring. damn you, stan! then there's jimmy, the kind of cute dude with not-so-great shoes, something i am possibly willing to overlook, until he proves himself to be an idiot, which he did a few days ago. his behavior also solidified the theory that he is indeed also a member of option three, too young.

as you can possibly see by the theory above, i've been thinking a lot of things are pretty hopeless lately...liking my job, ever meeting a decent guy, finding a church i love, being happy. i want to contrast this depressing notion and start on that new better attitude by making a list...

the 14 things i love right now*

1. my apartment
2. old records
3. how excited geneva gets to see me after just a few days
4. walking in downtown mcminnville
5. denice's mom's canning skills
6. the sound of cars passing my apartment at night
7. movietime video and local businesses in general
8. howie day
9. stem and leaf satsuma tangerines
10. my new bright blue and bright green sweaters
11. visits from nicole and matea at roth's
12. christmas gift baskets from mommy
13. sleeping in my childhood bed (the most comfortable bed ever) in my adulthood apartment
14. singing like i'm giving a concert

*i had to make it more things than the 'things i'm sick of' list so that i wouldnt be a complete pessimist

"and i have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay" the postal service

ogle's words-o-wisdom

DISCLAIMER: not all of ogle's words-o-wisdom are the original thoughts or statements of ogle. however, those that aren't were clevery regurgitated by him at some point.

#1 nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.

brian has fallen back on this clever advice after each of my breakups. this last time he added on an extra special tidbit: "people always say you need to spend time becoming a whole person or whatever, but i say just be a half a person! i do it everyday and it works great for me!"

#2 if you aren't happy without it, you wont be happy with it.

referred to my ogle as the unspoken law of the universe that now has been spoken, this lovely zinger has served to assure me on multiple occasions that i really will never be happy.

#3 size matters.

surely the slogan for all males, evidence is always abounding for it's truth and ogle is always eager to point out said evidence.

#4 the grass always looks greener on the other side.

this lovely little nugget was used recently to remove my doubt that perhaps i should be living in seattle, not oregon.

#5 dont bug me while i'm watching a movie.

this newest statement was told to me rudely by ogle while i was trying to attain more material for this blog entry.