why do i have to be a muggle?

the more i ponder harry potter, the more unfair it becomes that i am a muggle and i dont have magic powers. for instance, today i was wondering what a certain person was doing, where they were, at a certain time, and i wished i had one of those maps like harry has of hogwarts. yes, that would be extremely convienent. plus, how fun would it be to say 'mischief managed' all the time? also, were i not a dumb old muggle, i could travel by floo powder to and from work every morning, instead of making the long haul by automobile to salem. not to mention the gas it would save me! i love harry potter, but i can only take so much before i really, seriously start to get pissed off because i dont have magic powers. yes, i can get worked up over things. but come on, how awesome would it be to be a kick-ass witch like hermoine? ahh, the fun i could have. thanks, j.k. rowling, for bringing literature back to the masses...and making us all very uncontent with our inefficient muggle lives!

speaking of uncontent...that is the word that probably sums up my whole existence on earth...always striving, always looking ahead to the future, in which, of course, when i have that certain goal fulfilled, i will be happy. here's what God has been showing me lately: you cant be happy on earth you nimwit! yes, the same person who uses phrases like 'heart of hearts' uses words like 'nimwit.' yes, i am a fifty year old schoolteacher. deal with it! anyhow, back to the point. my whole life, i have been striving for happiness on earth, trying to ignore eternity and heaven because they scared the living s**t out of me. well, i want to do this no longer. i've held onto it for way too freaking long! satan wants me to live in fear, to be in love with this dumb, messed up world, and guess what? that's exactly what i am. it's time for a change. i am in the middle of 'journey of desire' and so i hope when i finish my thoughts on this matter will be more complete, but for the time being i have these questions...if we cant be happy here, and it's all about eternity and heaven, why did God give us lives? what is the purpose of my life and my talents and the things that bring me the joy that is a small glimpse of eternity? i dont understand what i am supposed to do with my life now. of course, this is typical of me, black and white...i'm either living 100% for this world, or living 100% for heaven, in which case life on earth doesnt seem to have much point. usually, i find peace and understanding somewhere in the middle, where the balance is, and God usually points me there. clearly, we are here for some purpose or God would not have put us here. so what is it?

just for brian

i have a really cool friend. his name is brian ogle. you may have read his comments and realized what a horrible friend i was by not saying that he came with me to see garden state. in fact, i want to tell the whole world right here and now that not only did he go with me, but he paid for my ticket and for parking. now that's a damn good friend! not to mention the many meals ogle blossom has prepared for me over the years, without which i surely would have wasted away into nothingness. hey, brian, maybe then i'd be attractive, right? i just want everyone to know, that in my HEART OF HEARTS i am so glad to have brian for my best guy friend! he's the best! and he makes damn good spaghetti, grilled cheeses, and tomato soup. yum yum.

the armpit of oregon

i have spending a lot of time recently in the armpit of oregon, aka salem. it is the biggest, ugliest city! however, the corporate headquarters of roth's are in salem, and on friday they offered me a job as the chalk artist for the mcminnville store! i'll actually be making money for doing art! yippee! it'll be three days a week and then the other two i'll work in the good ol' deli. this next week, however, i'll be spending the whole week in salem pumping out signs with this cool guy, will, the main chalk dude. will's work is pretty intimidating if i do say so myself, so i am a little nervous. this is going to be challenging, but that is good! atleast i wont be bored. i feel super blessed to have gotten this job through getting a job in the deli...kind of a low point for me, i admit. but it turned into something rad.

i absolutely love living with david, shanna, and geneva. it is so much fun, so laidback, and so...just perfect for me right now. a little lonely at times when i am in my room after they go to bed, but mostly wonderful, especially with geneves around all the time. dang, that kid loves me and it feels so good! she's so happy that i am there and i love seeing the surprised and overjoyed smile on her face whenever i walk down the stairs in the morning. i'm watching her 1-2 days a week to pay for my room and board, and it's super fun spending the day with her. man, a 2 year old can brighten your life...not all two year olds, but definitely geneves. shanna and i get along so well, we're always chatting and swapping stories and laughing. yes, it is good.

lately i've been feeling that i am way too in love with this world and trends and all that. i've been reading the journey of desire by john eldredge and a recent chapter brought me to that realization. i'm trying to watch less tv, read less magazines, and ignore the "ten trends for fall" that bombard me everywhere i go. it disturbs me that all i have to see is a few pictures of beautiful people in tweed jackets (one of the IT items for fall) and i really want one. i'm tired of feeling brainwashed by advertising.

this song chorus desribes how i've been feeling lately...at first i was looking at in an earthly love sort of way, but then i realized i could look at it in a God way, too.

lately i need to see the daylight lead beyond this half life without you i am breaking down oh maybe something here dont feel right this is just a half life is there really no escape no escape from time of any kind? come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love come on let's fall in love again -- duncan sheik

moving, loving, bottling wine

i am moving to newberg this week...today actually. crazy...i start at roth's on saturday. today i added yet another odd job to my list...wine bottling! and, in doing so, i affirmed my hatred for monotonous, repetitive tasks. but i also affirmed my love for seeing how things are made...my favorite part of mr. rogers was when he put those videos into the wall that showed how things were made. i loved the one where they went to the crayon factory.

so i am at home right now and filled with a mixture of two things, one of which greatly outweighs the other. the first, which is the smaller one, is a kind of sadness that after tonight i'll probably never really live here again. sure, i'll come to stay, but it wont be where i live. the second, heavier one, is the desire to get the heck away from my dad until he is somewhat back to normal. i feel kinda bad saying that, but it is just so hard to be around him, so hard to be here. which is why i am glad that i am finally leaving. but, in all honesty, i havent really felt like i lived here all summer. i've been a nomad, only staying here for a few days at a time, always on the go. which is why going to live with david and shanna doesnt feel all that different from what i've been doing. i feel like i should be having these strong emotions, but they just arent there. i hate it when i feel like this...in a daze. how can i feel so much one day, feel like my heart is being ripped out, and then the next have no tears? instead of going for long periods of time without crying and then having to sob for hours to get it all out, i would much rather pace myself, thank you very much.

i went to the most amazing free concert with my mom the other night in pioneer square downtown. the main band that played was five for fighting, and the radio does no justice to how freaking talented the lead singer is. the quote i'm ending this post with is from one of his songs, and he dedicated it to everyone under twelve in the audience, thinking of his kids. but i think not only of kids like geneva when i read it, but just of anyone i care about with all my heart.

if God made you, then he must love me. -- john ondrasik how cool and true is that?

employed at last

it wasn't a mirage! i got a job today! i got a job, i got a job, gotta job, job, job...it's at mcminnville roth's, working in their new and improved deli. they'll have normal deli stuff, plus a sushi bar, a mongolian grill, a panini sandwich bar, pizza...and of course, espresso! after all, i have to be somewhat of a barista, it's my destiny!

i've been so crafty lately. i made a b-day gift for kemi and on the card i wrote "you are reaping the benefits of my unemployment/post-break up craftiness!" it's so true. atleast i'm doing something productive, i figure. other than the craftiness and the job search i've felt pretty lazy. but i think i'm one of those people who thinks they are lazy when they are really running themselves into the ground, so who knows.

go, liz, go

the last three days i've been driving around like crazy to various appointments and interviews...i've also been harassed by allergies and been slightly bummed and lonely. today i got super light blonde highlights in my hair to cover up most of the pink...it's pretty cute, but so blonde! hopefully i look more professional so that i can get a job. i have another barista interview tomorrow...i think this is my third barista interview in the last month. the aquisition of a job feels close...i can almost grasp it...or is it just a mirage? i dont know.

amazing movie, amazing, amazing...garden state written and directed by zach braff. i saw it on monday and it was everything i hoped it would be! it's all about twenty-somethings and the contrast between just passing through life in a daze and truly experiencing life, even if it's through pain. sound familiar? yeah, i connected with it in so many ways. it was so unique, with great humor and awesome music, too...like the postal service! i love them a lot. hands down the best movie i've seen this year.

this post is boring. what can i say...i'm all stuffed up, kinda depressed, and getting tired of driving all over the portland area everyday. perhaps i should get off my butt and go to bed.

me in september 

roll-away grama

yes, i know that's not how you spell grama, but that's how i've spelled it my whole life and dammit, i'm not stopping now! anyway, today my mom, my grama and i went to the oregon gardens in silverton...very beautiful, by the way. we had just gotten there, and my grama got out and sat down in her wheelchair while my mom got stuff out of the car. my crazy grama (who can walk by the way, just not well) decided to just go for it solo in her wheelchair and takes off in the parking lot. well, the parking lot began to slope downhill, and my grama started picking up speed. she began to flap her arms like wings and squeal with joy. it never occured to me that maybe she was in danger, i just stood there watching like it was an interesting movie and i wanted to see what happened. well, the hill got steeper, she got freaked out and switched from squealing to screaming, and collided with a curb at approx. 5 mph. another, much less apathetic spectator rushed to her aid and then my mom looked up from the car. 'where's grama?' she asked. i pointed to the crash site some 50 feet away. my grama was fine, by the way, and all i could do was laugh...man, do i sound like a cruel person or what? if any of my babysitting charges' parents are reading this, i swear i would have ran after the roll away object if your kid was in it. later on, i proved that helping would have been futile anyhow when i skidded down a hill pulled by my grama's wheelchair. yeah, let's stick to flat ground with wheelchairs, please.

last night two of my recent burning questions were answered by some of my fave people, the parents of this girl i nanny for. one, why do you hate george w? lots of people seem to hate him, but nobody seems to ever say why. so we had a nice talk about that. but ten times more interesting was the talk we had about the differences between jehovah's witnesses and most christians. it was so fascinating! they are kind of jw, the dad more than the mom, she doesnt believe in it anymore. it was so interesting to see what we held in common, and what were stark differences. basically, i concluded that they believe jesus was crucified on a stake (not a cross) and this is part of what gains us admission into the future heaven, which is really paradise re-created on earth. the other part is how you live, what kind of a jw you are. oh, and they dont believe in hell. they were amazed when i said i did, and also did not know what i meant by the term 'grace.' they also believe that 1914 was the beginning of the end of the world. i know it is ultimately up to God to decide, but i am curious if he considers jw's to be saved...after all, they believe that jesus' sacrifice is part of salvation, and how different is their 'works' part of 'earning' salvation any different from a lot of christians? i know many christian churches today have polluted the purity of the gospel and supplemented it with a bunch of extra crap...but they still think that they are getting into heaven over jw's...yes, very fascinating indeed. i mean, how many people are ultimately messing some part of the bible and God's plan for our lives up? isn't that what grace is for?

on a more personal note, the prospect of moving to mcminnville is progressing nicely. i've got the hook up with naomi and shanna, killer networkers, and they are hooking me up with opportunities left and right. plus, once i get a job, david and shanna said i could live with them for a month or two in newberg, in exchange for childcare, while i save up for my own place. current job prospects include...safeway cashier, waitress for new spanish restaurant, 3rd street book store, harvest fresh grocery, roth's barista, and lowe's home improvement. we'll see what next week brings.

what an artist is for is to tell us what we see but do not know that we see. --edith sitwell

naked hot-tubbing

hola. it is the first day of september and raining, just as it should be. i love the rain. i am sitting in the george fox computer lab, as the first school year in four years i am not a part of bustles around me. quite strange, i must say. everything seems so unchanged, as if i was never really here at all. do do do do do do...twilight zone.

so the bakery shot me down. they want someone to commit for a year, and i just cant do that. so it's onward with the job search today. i'm starting to get...annoyed, discouraged, all that good stuff. i'll hit up the mcminnville employment office today...i havent worked at all yet this week and that is not good. the money i am trying to save for an apartment is becoming harder to save with each passing moment and each mile of expensive gas i use. i know i will find something...but i dont know what it is, and that is a little freaky.

speaking of freaky, last night i saw something firsthand that i have never seen before...naked hot-tubbing. i was over at some wine festival friend's house for a bbq, i go inside, come back out and BAM! naked people in the hot tub. i was fairly shocked. the shock grew as the dad of the twins i babysit sometimes joined in the naked fun. ew! i mean, if people want to get naked in their own time with other naked people, they can go for it as far as i'm concerned. but there were lots of non-naked folks around, just trying to mind their own bbq business. i felt like i was watching a documentary on the discovery channel...the wine industry, uncovered! literally!

dammit, i just saw my first non-graduated friend and he said "they always come back." yeah, yeah, rub it in my face, i dont have a life yet, blah, blah, blah. this is such a weird time in my life...i feel like i'm floating through this abyss of questions and pain and hope and ... i dont know. i just want to find a job. the frequency with which i am visiting the pop can center at fred meyer is starting to freak me out. there is this old guy who almost lives there, makes his whole living on pop cans. he's there every time i go, ready to take the cans that people throw away. people are so interesting...i've gotten a taste recently of surving on pop cans alone, and i cant imagine doing that for more than a couple of weeks. ah, the sociology of it all... so fascinating. yes, i am a dork.

and if you follow me you'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey -- jars of clay