lately i have been moving into what i like to think of as uncharted life territory. since i'm old and all grown up now (please catch my sarcasm) i am trying to be wise and actually put what wisdom i have gained thus far into practice. this is mostly manifesting itself in the ever-dangerous realm of love, attraction, and the opposite sex. having learned from experience (twice, i'm a slow learner) that rushing into relationships is a bad idea, i am attempting a new outlook on the guys in my life that i may see as potential future boyfriends/husbands/mates. (yes, i hope it comes in that order). i am trying to get to know them as friends, for a good, long while, before taking it to the next level. imagine, actually being pretty sure you should be with a person before you do it! to make things even more challenging, i am also attempting to not start a relationship physically. i have learned (yes, twice) that being physical with someone creates an emotional bond extremely quickly that becomes hard to break and makes you blind to logic and reality.
all of that said, i am not a logical person and i think i still believe in the beauty of romantic love. yes, i want to fall crazy in love with someone and have him love every crazy thing about me. yes, i want to make more mistakes and learn more lessons, because i don't think perfection is beautiful. and i know i cant apply formulas and theories to love. those are just some guidelines that i hope and pray to follow, to not give my heart away to quickly, both because i've been hurt before and also because i know it's what God wants for me. every day that becomes more clear as he helps me to be patient in ways i never thought i could be. he reminds me to have perspective and let him keep the situation every time i encounter one of those potential people. and, miracle of miracles, he helps to remember what i really truly want when i'm in the situation where i could screw it all up. even if i do screw all of it up tomorrow (which i fear i may now that i've come out and said all of this) what God has done in the last month in this most sensitive area of my life has been amazing.
this seems really insignificant tacked on to the end of all that, but i am feeling like a new person in other ways as well. i'm trying to cut dairy products and sweets out of my diet in an effort to be more healthy and have a complexion that i'm not ashamed to go out in public with. plus, it would be kind of crazy and nice to have everything running smoothly in the digestive department. that said, all i pretty much eat is dairy and sweets, so this is proving extremely challenging. extremely. did i mention extremely? and although this has nothing to do with dairy, today i saw shanna's hot brother and i was amazingly unaffected. usually it takes me like an hour to get over seeing him, so it made me wonder if i still had a pulse, but it was kind of nice, too.
hey, dont miss the other new post below this one! i actually wrote it first. wow, two posts in one day!
3.19.2005
smacked by a flying dirt clod
as usual, i have jumped the gun. this time it was by saying that "i'm so happy" that summer is just around the bend. i must have written that about five seconds before my allergies kicked in and i remembered how global warming has permenantly ruined oregon's mild climate and turned it into a sweltering summer inferno! i think to myself, "i have to move." but there's really nowhere else i want to go at the moment that i imagine to have cooler summers. darn humans and their freaking cfc's!
the most traumatizing occurance possible has occured since my last post. it is the thing i dread the most in the world, the thing i will do almost anything instead of. and early last tuesday morning, at approximately 4:20 am, it happened. i threw up. i was all alone and i vomited and there was nothing i could do to stop it. it happened again at 6 am, after which i drove myself to roth's in a rather weakened and traumatized state to buy pepto bismol, mint tea, and breath mints. the breath mints were in case the first two things didn't stop me from puking again. then i fervently prayed to God that he wouldn't let me throw up again. after many hours of laying very still and kind of sleeping, he answered and i knew i was out of the woods. however, i was severely weakened by the encounter with the dreaded vomit and i slept for the better part of the next two days.
on friday, it was back to work and back to good ol' caffe amico (that's the name of the coffee bar at roth's -- a name i detest not only because it sounds stupid but because they insist on spelling "caffe" with two f's) to see if i could make it through an 8 hour day. i did. and while i was working i noticed that every friday a transformation comes over me as i work in the deli. i get more and more angry and bitter and stressed out. i'm not sure exactly why, i just know i don't think i like the person i become (at least mentally). i mean, i have my happy moments, chattin' it up with friendly customers, gazing at the old couples having their daily coffee...but other times i just get really, really pissed off. this friday i was sweeping up these frigin dirt clods that big boot wearing dudes are always tracking in, and semi-shouting at the deli manager, cheryl, saying "i hate how people are always tracking in these stupid dirt clods! i mean, is it too much to ask to get rid of your dirt clods before you come in the store?" and bam! it hit me. i have to get out of here before it is too late. no one should ever, ever, be this worked up about dirt clods.
the most traumatizing occurance possible has occured since my last post. it is the thing i dread the most in the world, the thing i will do almost anything instead of. and early last tuesday morning, at approximately 4:20 am, it happened. i threw up. i was all alone and i vomited and there was nothing i could do to stop it. it happened again at 6 am, after which i drove myself to roth's in a rather weakened and traumatized state to buy pepto bismol, mint tea, and breath mints. the breath mints were in case the first two things didn't stop me from puking again. then i fervently prayed to God that he wouldn't let me throw up again. after many hours of laying very still and kind of sleeping, he answered and i knew i was out of the woods. however, i was severely weakened by the encounter with the dreaded vomit and i slept for the better part of the next two days.
on friday, it was back to work and back to good ol' caffe amico (that's the name of the coffee bar at roth's -- a name i detest not only because it sounds stupid but because they insist on spelling "caffe" with two f's) to see if i could make it through an 8 hour day. i did. and while i was working i noticed that every friday a transformation comes over me as i work in the deli. i get more and more angry and bitter and stressed out. i'm not sure exactly why, i just know i don't think i like the person i become (at least mentally). i mean, i have my happy moments, chattin' it up with friendly customers, gazing at the old couples having their daily coffee...but other times i just get really, really pissed off. this friday i was sweeping up these frigin dirt clods that big boot wearing dudes are always tracking in, and semi-shouting at the deli manager, cheryl, saying "i hate how people are always tracking in these stupid dirt clods! i mean, is it too much to ask to get rid of your dirt clods before you come in the store?" and bam! it hit me. i have to get out of here before it is too late. no one should ever, ever, be this worked up about dirt clods.
3.08.2005
it's going to be a cheeseless summer
it's been too long since i made a list on this lovely blog, so i prepared one just for the occasion. i made two lists, the icky one first so that i end on a happy note.
activities that sometimes depress/annoy me
1. grocery shopping alone at winco (for some reason i've found bagging and carrying my own groceries to be the ultimate reminder of loneliness)
2. being called "old" by the tiny tots at work
3. working on mondays
4. having six of my favorite friends in, respectively: africa, arizona, boston, paris, seattle and sweden
5. discovering unwanted info about ex's
6. sitting next to yaking high schoolers at the library (hey! i'm doing that right now! yipee!)
7. being nitpicked by my boss about the already suffocating dress code at work (no hooded sweatshirts! no red shoes! you know, the nazis had pieces of flare that they made the jews wear!)
8. finding a great doctor (no, that's not the depressing part) who tells me i should never eat cheese or drink milk again. NONE. EVER. that's like asking me to sell my soul!
activities that almost always brighten my mood
1. making new friends
2. great conversations
3. dancing with my art supplies (my yard stick guitar is especially nice) to "pump up the jam" and other 80's hits on the clock at work (one of the perks of having my own office)
4. 6 words: billie jean is not my lover!
5. amazing, cheap finds at the thrift store (okay, any store) yesterday it was a $20 striped retro couch!
6. living next to a thrift store
7. getting sense talked into me by my mom
8. the feeling that summer is just around the bend (it's been 70 degrees the last two days and i am wearing cropped pants and new flip flops!)
9. listening to jars of clay and admiring dan hasteltine's songwriting
sometimes i get tired of walking through these ordinary days...i dont know how, i dont know why, but your love can make these things better... dan hasteltine
activities that sometimes depress/annoy me
1. grocery shopping alone at winco (for some reason i've found bagging and carrying my own groceries to be the ultimate reminder of loneliness)
2. being called "old" by the tiny tots at work
3. working on mondays
4. having six of my favorite friends in, respectively: africa, arizona, boston, paris, seattle and sweden
5. discovering unwanted info about ex's
6. sitting next to yaking high schoolers at the library (hey! i'm doing that right now! yipee!)
7. being nitpicked by my boss about the already suffocating dress code at work (no hooded sweatshirts! no red shoes! you know, the nazis had pieces of flare that they made the jews wear!)
8. finding a great doctor (no, that's not the depressing part) who tells me i should never eat cheese or drink milk again. NONE. EVER. that's like asking me to sell my soul!
activities that almost always brighten my mood
1. making new friends
2. great conversations
3. dancing with my art supplies (my yard stick guitar is especially nice) to "pump up the jam" and other 80's hits on the clock at work (one of the perks of having my own office)
4. 6 words: billie jean is not my lover!
5. amazing, cheap finds at the thrift store (okay, any store) yesterday it was a $20 striped retro couch!
6. living next to a thrift store
7. getting sense talked into me by my mom
8. the feeling that summer is just around the bend (it's been 70 degrees the last two days and i am wearing cropped pants and new flip flops!)
9. listening to jars of clay and admiring dan hasteltine's songwriting
sometimes i get tired of walking through these ordinary days...i dont know how, i dont know why, but your love can make these things better... dan hasteltine
3.03.2005
mr. medium
well, it’s happening. the phenomenon i never, ever thought would happen. atleast until i was forty. i’m starting to feel…just a hair…old. apparently 23 is the threshold of senior citizenhood. i think it’s mostly because a lot of the people i work with are younger than me. and as soon as i turned 23, my younger coworkers have started to call me…old! what the heck? my biological clock is tick-tock-ticking away and i’ve got half the people telling me to hurry it up and the other half reminding me how young i am. i’m doing my best to listen to the latter half, and with sex and the city in my corner, it’s actually not proving too difficult.
i have decided that i am the carrie bradshaw of mcminnville. perhaps that’s not saying much, after all, it is mcminnville, oregon. after watching countless episodes of sex and the city, and spending even more time pondering them (hey, i think all the time about a lot of stuff, so that’s not totally pathetic) i have decided that i am indeed the fairly diluted version of carrie bradshaw. she lives on the island of manhattan, i live on the island in between baker st. and adams st. she’s got a column, i’ve got a blog. she’s got a screwed up love life…well, we’ve all got a screwed up love life. also, i don’t mean to brag, but, for the average mcminnvillian (mcminnvillite? macperson?), i’ve got style. i occasionally walk down 3rd street wearing pink heels, even if they may have only cost a fraction of the price of manolo blahniks. and most of all, carrie won't settle for anything less than her mr. big. the other night i said to brian "i'm waiting for mr. big. or atleast mr. medium." i realize that might sound inappropriate, but, cross my heart, that's not how i meant it. i swear!
brian is in arizona on business (that corporate loser!) which is too bad, since he’s pretty much my stanford blatch. ha ha, that one’s for you, ogle. it is sad with him gone, but it turns out i might be able to function without him. this morning i made it to work at 5:55 am, sans wake up call! i had to put my alarm clock on the other side of the room, and i hate being that mean to myself, but it worked. and last sunday, when all hope was running out, i actually made some new friends at my new church. and they are coming over tonight to start a small group with me. i want to call the group "the awkward phase" because we are all unmarried college grads. it was such a God thing because i just felt compelled to sit near these two dudes and then we ended up talking forever and deciding to have a small group. as usual, God comes through again in the 11th hour. it was enough to make me completely forget i had been seriously thinking of moving just a few days before.
i was just reading through some of my old blogs and i noticed that i am constantly mentioning sex and the city. ok, maybe i am obsessed! fine, i admit it.
come on! let’s get the shit kicked out of us by love! love actually
i have decided that i am the carrie bradshaw of mcminnville. perhaps that’s not saying much, after all, it is mcminnville, oregon. after watching countless episodes of sex and the city, and spending even more time pondering them (hey, i think all the time about a lot of stuff, so that’s not totally pathetic) i have decided that i am indeed the fairly diluted version of carrie bradshaw. she lives on the island of manhattan, i live on the island in between baker st. and adams st. she’s got a column, i’ve got a blog. she’s got a screwed up love life…well, we’ve all got a screwed up love life. also, i don’t mean to brag, but, for the average mcminnvillian (mcminnvillite? macperson?), i’ve got style. i occasionally walk down 3rd street wearing pink heels, even if they may have only cost a fraction of the price of manolo blahniks. and most of all, carrie won't settle for anything less than her mr. big. the other night i said to brian "i'm waiting for mr. big. or atleast mr. medium." i realize that might sound inappropriate, but, cross my heart, that's not how i meant it. i swear!
brian is in arizona on business (that corporate loser!) which is too bad, since he’s pretty much my stanford blatch. ha ha, that one’s for you, ogle. it is sad with him gone, but it turns out i might be able to function without him. this morning i made it to work at 5:55 am, sans wake up call! i had to put my alarm clock on the other side of the room, and i hate being that mean to myself, but it worked. and last sunday, when all hope was running out, i actually made some new friends at my new church. and they are coming over tonight to start a small group with me. i want to call the group "the awkward phase" because we are all unmarried college grads. it was such a God thing because i just felt compelled to sit near these two dudes and then we ended up talking forever and deciding to have a small group. as usual, God comes through again in the 11th hour. it was enough to make me completely forget i had been seriously thinking of moving just a few days before.
i was just reading through some of my old blogs and i noticed that i am constantly mentioning sex and the city. ok, maybe i am obsessed! fine, i admit it.
come on! let’s get the shit kicked out of us by love! love actually
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
