sizzling ants

lately too many big questions have been running through my head. it all started on friday night when brian told me i need to find a better job, i can find something better, etc, etc. then on saturday shanna told me she won't need me to watch geneva anymore in a couple of weeks. hell no am i working in the deli two days a week at roth's! no way, no thank you. so i need to start looking for a new job, and it is a great time to do so since i have a job. i just realized that i gave my blog address to my supervisor...but i doubt he'll ever go to it. but just in case...wil, if you are reading this, dont freak out! i'm not quitting anytime soon...i don't think...but i know you dont expect me to stay at roth's forever...right?

the other big question is the ever-present and ever more annoying one: 'will i always be alone?' sometimes it seems like God is the up there with the big magnifying glass frying ants. but most of the time i know he's taking care of me, i know he knows what's best, i know he has a purpose for this time in my life. i just hate wanting someone so much. and i hate how it seems like the world thinks it's pathetic to want a relationship. or maybe that's just what i think. i mean, what's wrong with being honest about what you want? what's wrong with really, really wanting something? i dont know. i just know that i have to be careful how much i think, or i'll go crazy.

the day after

this has to be fast because i'm at the accursed library and my time is almost up. today the annoying person sitting next to me (because inevitably there always is one) is this girl with a terrible cold who keeps horking back her shot and swallowing it. it sounds so nasty i want to hurl. she also burped a second ago and that was just too much with the other noises.

i survived valentine's day (aka single's awareness day) yesterday without crying or getting too depressed. i confess that i did sleep through most of it (came home from work and took a nap that didnt end until this morning), but i did survive 8 hours in a store where every guy in mcminnville was buying flowers for everyone but me. so i think that's pretty impressive and deserves a medal. medals last longer than flowers anyhow.

at the risk of over-inflating ogle's head, i am going to quote him for the second blog in a row. this was just too good to pass up.

"i dont understand how you've survived this long...shouldn't you have been eaten by some larger animal?" brian, to me, of course

happy reality

i apologize to all you readers out there for the lack of postings lately, my internet access is so darn limited. i hope you all are well. crap, this is starting to sound like one of those generic mass emails. enough of that! yesterday was a good day. i spent it with all my favorite newbergians, nicole, brian, matt, nicole, and matea. nicole and i went shoe shopping all day in portland and it was awesome. i was on the prowl for a pair of 40's inspired, completely unpractical heels and on a birthday money budget. we went to all the great shoe places i could think of, and i was rewarded with two great pairs of heels and being under budget. that is because i found the most amazing shoes for only $10. yeah baby! we went to this one store called halo, which shanna and naomi are always raving about. lo and behold, we walk in, and who is there but naomi herself, and caleb, her insanely hot brother. so that was a more-than-nice surprise. they apparently can afford $300 dollar shoes, which enforces the idea that they live in a world beyond my own, that includes such craziness as the sundance film festival, cocktail parties and weekend trips to new york. naomi is the kind of person i always expect to see in that ritzy party picture section of the paper, where they show pictures of the governer's wife at parties and such. the venn diagrams of our worlds do intersect, but some of the time i feel like an outsider in thier company.

after the shoe shop hopping, i went to church at countryside with my peops in my new amazing shoes. i thought if i put on hot heels i would immediattely walk like carrie bradshaw on the streets of manhattan, but such was not the case. i see years of practice ahead of me. as always seems to happen when i go to that church, i spent the whole service passing notes to bobo and whispering comments that were fairly inappropriate. i'm never more sure that i'm going to hell than when i leave that church. (mostly kidding). then we all went to this vietnamese restaurant and then bobo and nicole and i went and saw an enjoyable movie, in good company. i liked it because it was real. nicole didnt like it because she wanted a happy ending. i pointed to the screen and said "that's my life." brian said he doesnt go to the movies to see reality, he has that everyday. i just dont see the point of seeing movies with cookie cutter scripts where the guy always gets to girl. all they do is fuel my discontent, and it has plenty of fuel from other places. i ended the day at 2:30 am trying to fall asleep on brian's futon. i love unexpected days that are full of friends. the great part is, it doesnt even feel like the day is over yet! i am waking up at brian's right now and we are going to go have more fun. what a great weekend. when i woke up this morning i had a strangely comforting epiphany. there are certain people i will never be and certain people i will never be with. and really, that is okay with me.

"i imagine jesus walking into church, saying 'hey' to people as he comes up from the back, then glancing up at the stage, seeing the cross and going 'ugh!' " brian, pondering the appropriateness of displaying crosses

rejection or direction?

a busy saturday i had today, unlike most saturdays. i started the day helping shanna at mes amies, which was the perfect opportunity to wear a fun outfit. then i went to a matinee at george fox of the current play, which was fairly entertaining. then i spent a fun afternoon/evening with my dear friend lissa, a girl i've always had a great connection with but never seem to hang out with that much, since we both had kinda different circles of friends in college. but today we hung out for quite awhile and had a wonderful girls talk at the good old coffee cottage. it was one of those comforting talks in which you realize that you both struggle with simular things, despite how bad you sometimes think those things are. she said the best thing...we were talking about how hurtful breakups can feel, how rejecting, even if we logically know we shouldnt be with that person. and she said, it's not rejection, it's direction. "what a great way to look at it!" i immediately thought.

the other day i turned 23. i had a nice little shindig at my apartment: small, but enjoyable. brian decided it would be fun for everyone else (and my downstairs neighbors) if each guest at my party gave me 23 spankings. luckily there were only 3 people there (in the spirit of honesty i have now told you that slightly sensistive fact), but my butt still hurts. however, that little party game yielded some pretty hysterical photots. well, i'm tired and sex and the city is on at brian's apartment (his sister is watching it, i will preserve his dignity) and it's distracting me. so just pretend i ended this in some clever way.

it seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no. jack johnson