the sharp hint of tears

(written 12.30.06 somewhere over the united states. caution: may be overly sentimental)

i am starting to hate this. by this, i mean going back and forth between two places i love, and two groups of people i love. in one place, i have all the time in the world to explore the city and enjoy small moments with friends. in the other place, i am forced to create a strict schedule of visits, prioritize my loved ones, and repeat the same information again and again. i leave with a longing for more time, more little moments, more laughter and conversation and hugs. and some one is always sad, not only that i’m leaving, but because they didn’t get enough time with me. yes, it is amazing that i am loved and longed for by these people, and i am so thankful for them. but with every trip home, i feel a little more sad, a little more tired, and a little more far away.

it seems that my friends and family understand my love of food, particularly cheese, as they all made a special effort to have my favorite foods on hand during my visit. smoked turkey, chocolate chip cookies, beef stew, peanut m & m’s, cheez-its, donuts, and plenty of 2% milk at my dad’s house; hand-baked Mexican wedding cookies and oatmeal caramelitas, pepsi, chocolate, and tea at my mom’s; chocolate-chocolate chip cookies at my grandma’s; and warm, delicious soup at shanna’s and nicole’s. oh, and at every house, lots and lots of Tillamook cheddar cheese. the problem was, i am a small girl, and i can only eat so much. needless to say, i had to leave some of it behind. but i made sure to make room for the chocolate in my suitcase.

my mom took me to the airport this evening, and i went through the familiar motions of sticking my credit card into the e-ticket machine, checking my ridiculously heavy baggage, and preparing myself for the security scan. and then there’s the worst part…the goodbye. as i hugged my mom several times, i knew i had to walk away before i started bawling. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this. after successfully clearing security and re-dressing myself, i looked back through the maze of metal detectors, gates, and conveyor belts for my mommy. she was frantically waving, her arm lifted high so that I would see her. we blew kisses. i felt tears. i walked down the deserted terminal towards my gate, pausing to look out the dark window and cry. after take-off, i reached into my bag, took out the food she packed for me, and found a baggie of Tillamook cheese. as i tasted the familiar sharpness in my mouth, i again felt the prick of tears behind my eyes. who knew that cheese could make you cry?