alone, alive

last week i lost a couple of things that were important to me.

tuesday: car
thursday: boyfriend

so i guess you could say i had a hard week. there's nothing quite like living in a city for four months and then suddenly feeling like you just moved there all over again. i mean, that's not entirely true, i have friends and a great job and all that jazz, but there was a moment last week where i felt more alone than i have ever felt in my entire life. yeah, that was a crappy moment.

from the night it happened, under the wrenching pain of a broken heart, i saw it for what it really was: a much-needed chance to start over, to get back on the right path, to finally put an end to the shenannagins. i felt God saying to me, "there you go. i made the decision for you, solved your problem, and now you can get on with your life." and for the first time in a few years, i actually WANTED to. i wanted to stop pushing the boundaries of what God wants for me, and ultimately, what i want for myself. i've tried out the other way, and i've found it lacking.

the problem i am now facing is a little thing called the interim. this all sounded fine and good last week, when the emotions were fresh and my resolve was strong. but now i'm lonely and depressed. i guess i'm going through the grief cycles or some crap. i find myself thinking very angry thoughts while walking down the street...angry thoughts mostly aimed at the exBF and random couples passing me. so, my worry is i won't stay strong in the time until "the right one" comes along, which my cynical mood of late causes me to ask "is there really such a thing?"

when matt and i first started dating, he made me a mix CD. little did he know at the time that one of the songs on it would become the soundtrack to our breakup, at least in my mind. it was stuck in my head for a week after thursday, and i found myself marveling at how perfectly it described the situation and begging it to go away.

summer time and the wind is blowing...and i don't know what i'm doing in this city...and that's when i knew, that i could never have you...i knew that before you did...now i'm the one who's stupid...i hope you take a piece of me with you...and there's things i'd like to do that you don't believe in...and this will be the last time we'll be friends again...i'll get over you and you'll wonder who i am...and there is this burning like there's always been...i've never been so alone and i've never been so alive

third eye blind, motorcycle drive by