the hardest thing and the right thing

turns out i'm a lot stronger than i originally thought. turns out that a lot of shit i thought i had figured out about myself, i don't. turns out that on rare occasions, when i know what i really need to do, i actually do it.

i've been thinking a lot about control, and how really, we have none, and how much this disturbs some of us. at times it disturbs me a lot. but the truth is, sometimes, on small levels, we do have some control and we can make decisions that make our lives healthier and better. we aren't stuck. sometimes.

this week i tried to take control, on some level, of a relationship in my life. the funny thing is, since then, i've spent half of my time feeling a great sense of control and satisfaction, and the other half feeling totally lost, like i also let go of some sense of control in the situation. yes, i am avoiding specifics, and maybe this is preventing you from understanding what i mean, and i'm sorry.

romantic relationships, despite our best efforts, often become so complicated that the only option is stop them in their tracks before they self-destruct. sometimes, to save something, you have to let it go for awhile, despite how counterproductive that may seem, and how out of control it may make you feel.

go and see the movie the last kiss with zach braff. you will laugh, you will cry, you will admire the brutal honesty of this portrayal of the complexities of love. and then, after the credits roll, get yourself to the nearest music store and pick up the soundtrack, which is sure to become to next must-have music mix, and find out if the magic of the music in garden state can happen twice.

every moment has a soundtrack, and right now, mine is performed by the fray...

and suddenly i become a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that don't last
i'm losing you and its effortless

every one knows i'm in over my head

step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down it's just a talk
he smiles politely back at you
you stare politely right on through
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and stay right
between the lines of fear and blame
and you begin to wonder why you came

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same