moving, loving, bottling wine

i am moving to newberg this week...today actually. crazy...i start at roth's on saturday. today i added yet another odd job to my list...wine bottling! and, in doing so, i affirmed my hatred for monotonous, repetitive tasks. but i also affirmed my love for seeing how things are made...my favorite part of mr. rogers was when he put those videos into the wall that showed how things were made. i loved the one where they went to the crayon factory.

so i am at home right now and filled with a mixture of two things, one of which greatly outweighs the other. the first, which is the smaller one, is a kind of sadness that after tonight i'll probably never really live here again. sure, i'll come to stay, but it wont be where i live. the second, heavier one, is the desire to get the heck away from my dad until he is somewhat back to normal. i feel kinda bad saying that, but it is just so hard to be around him, so hard to be here. which is why i am glad that i am finally leaving. but, in all honesty, i havent really felt like i lived here all summer. i've been a nomad, only staying here for a few days at a time, always on the go. which is why going to live with david and shanna doesnt feel all that different from what i've been doing. i feel like i should be having these strong emotions, but they just arent there. i hate it when i feel like this...in a daze. how can i feel so much one day, feel like my heart is being ripped out, and then the next have no tears? instead of going for long periods of time without crying and then having to sob for hours to get it all out, i would much rather pace myself, thank you very much.

i went to the most amazing free concert with my mom the other night in pioneer square downtown. the main band that played was five for fighting, and the radio does no justice to how freaking talented the lead singer is. the quote i'm ending this post with is from one of his songs, and he dedicated it to everyone under twelve in the audience, thinking of his kids. but i think not only of kids like geneva when i read it, but just of anyone i care about with all my heart.

if God made you, then he must love me. -- john ondrasik how cool and true is that?