my life has become a tv show. i know, i recently went off about tv and how unrealistic it is, but now my life is indeed a comedy/drama (dramedy?) along the lines of sex and the city. think in tv plot terms with me for a minute...what would happen if the lead (a hot twenty-something blond who's searching for more out of life than just the usual) decided to leave capeside, er, mcminnville, and move to boston to start a new and exciting chapter of her life? well, she'd meet a man of course! and yes, i said man, not boy. and then she'd be faced with a decision...give this man part of her heart, part of her last days with the people closest to her, knowing full well it's going to hurt like hell when she leaves...or play it safe and responsible and put an immediate end to the madness. well, if you know me at all, i guess you already know my decision. it's not everyday you actually have to decide rather to live for the moment or not, and now that i'm faced with that choice, i know exactly how i want to live. how i have to live, or else live to regret it. now all that matters is the little detail of finding out what our "relationship" means to him, having that awkward, necessary conversation that will determine if my recklessness and pain is actually worth it. the problem is, i'm pretty sure it's too late to turn back now anyway. and my bittersweet heart now has moments of wrenching pain sprinkled into the mix, right along with surges of truly feeling alive.
love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one; not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe it the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetreble, inredeemable.
to love is to be vulnerable.
c.s. lewis
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