it hurts to be me right now. today is one of those annoying days in which your heart kind of aches all day, except for those moments when you are momentarily distracted, after which you endure the painful pang that comes with remembering why you are so sad. i've had other days like this that were much more painful, days i thought i couldn't survive. i knew i could make it through this one, it just took a little extra somethin somethin.
if it's this hard after three days, how's it going to be after three weeks?
that's what greg said when we had "the talk" last night. and as i sat there, feeling extremely crappy, i couldn't help but agree. there is a fine line between "living for the moment" and being masochistic. damn, i was sure i spelled that wrong, but i spell checked it and i'm right. i'll add that to my list of reasons to live.
i can be honest with you, but you have to be honest with yourself...
i dont want to be honest with myself, because when i am, i know i shouldn't see him again. but i also know that i'm not sure if i can resist the pull. the truth is, it probably isn't worth the pain. but the mistake is made, i can't go back, and now i don't know what to do...i dont know what i will do.
you're leaving in a month. i'm not letting myself get attached to you.
damn, i wish i could control my feelings like that! wouldn't that be convienient. but the more i think about it, feeling less just wouldn't be me. it might be easier, but i feel like it would mean sacrificing something valuable. i guess i just wish this was as hard for him as it is for me.
you're going to have lots of relationships, some casual, and some serious...
exactly why i wish i wouldn't have attached myself to him, to someone i will probably never see again. today it truly hit me that i may have made a huge mistake. but i made it. and i'm leaving. and that's just the way it is. there's no getting out of jail free on this one.
approximately one year ago i was writing about matt and i breaking up. i wrote about how, at that time, he was all i wanted. now greg is all i want, and i'm starting to really devalue my objectivity. i think the only real way to tell what you really want is the test of time, the test of seperation, the chance to see them for what they truly are. the problem is, i seem to give my heart away and get it broken long before that ever occurs. i ended my "matt and i broke up" entry a year ago with this quote, and, unfortunately, it applies again today.
i built another temple to a stranger...i gave away my heart to the rushing wind... dan haseltine
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"once you have flown, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward; for there you have been, and there you long to return." leonardo da vinci
1 comment:
I don't know how I ended up reading your blog, but good grief do I know how you're feeling. Knowing that you shouldn't see someone because it'll never work out is the hardest thing to admit to oneself. I too, need to stop seeing him. I above all, need to understand that he's not in love with me and that he never will be. I can't tho, it kills me, and the pain, ha! that's as part of me as my limbs! I live with it everyday, and somedays are so hard, as if I might not make it if I dont see him. Funny thing is that it's all my fault; I left my heart open too.
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