thwarted...again!

for the past few months, i have had a secret (and then not-so-secret) crush on an adorable boy with shocking red hair who works at the video store. every sunday at work, we rent a movie. every sunday, i see steven. we smile. we talk. i leave, grinning.

today, i decided after last night's familiarly exhilirating interaction, was the day i was going to take action. i was going to work up all my courage and ask him to hang out.

i had an appointment nearby the store early this afternoon, so as i walked by, i checked to see if he was working. he was. all alone at the counter, just waiting for me to ask him out. my nerves screamed at me...you can't do it! but my mind was made up. after the appointment, i had another one with steven.

i walked the long street back to the video store, growing increasingly nervous and nauseated. to make matters worse, i had a large bag of embarrassing items from the pharmacy. i felt like the delicious ham calzone i had just ate was on it's way back up. i cant. i can. i cant. i can. i cant. i will.

i looked through the window. there he was, with his adorable red hair and striped sweater. i paused at the corner, feeling like i was about to go onstage and i wasn't sure if i knew my lines. i took some deep breaths. i made some faces like i was being tortured. i swallowed hard, and i went in.

i turned in last night's movie. but i needed an excuse to go up to the counter. i scanned the new releases, the covers all blurry in front of my eyes. i read the backs of cases, but nothing registered. steven. steven. his eyes were boaring into the back of my head. i picked up the constant gardener, with some vague recollection of wanting to see it.

i stood in line. i said hello. how are you? i forgot how to rent a movie. i forgot i needed to pay. he was smiling. somehow i remembered what currency was and paid. do it. do it. he handed me my reciept. the moment was slipping away. the words were stuck in my throat. but i wasn't about to go through this again.

"hey...do you want to hang out sometime?" somehow i said it. i waited for the deadly blow.

"i would..."

but? but what? i have a girlfriend. i'm gay. i don't date people with bushy blonde hair. what would it be this time?

"...but i'm actually moving in a week. this is my last week at work."

it turns out he's moving to vermont. and then seattle. but i made him grin. i saw all of his crooked, pointy teeth.

"otherwise i definitely would." he kept smiling.

i smiled. i told him i thought that sucked. i might have laughed a little. he handed me my movie, and i left. mission: accomplished. result: thwarted...again! if he had said he was moving to california, i would have made him come out from behind the counter so i could kick him in the shin.

i spent the rest of the afternoon (and evening) shopping, willing myself to ask sooner next time, and thinking about steven's smile.

no one can possibly know what is about to happen. it is happening each time, for the first time, for the only time. james baldwin