bam!

profound thoughts always seem to strike me when i'm driving. this afternoon it was the realization that i'm losing faith in the idea that God can make me happy. it's not that i think someone or something else can, it's that i'm starting to think no one and nothing can. there's an uplifting thought for ya! then there's the whole idea that we're 'not at home' here on earth and we'll never really be fully happy here, but i don't think God wants us to not be happy here...yikes. conundrum of the century.

perhaps (ok, not perhaps, i know i do) i just think too much and i just need to knock it off and go with the flow and try and be happy. but i just don't work that way and i know it. sometimes it's as though i'm waiting for something to make me happy, but then i know nothing and no one can. if you're not happy without it, you wont be happy with it. and it's not that i'm miserable by any means...it's just...i'm...something seems to be missing.

the other thing that's got me down today is the evil dollar (again). God always comes through for me in that way, so i'm not completely freaking out, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't pretty worried. i need to sit down and write my budget with my rent and lovely college loan payment. this will either make me feel better or much, much worse. that remains to be seen.

i'm hoping to do something fairly fun this evening, with denice and possibly brian. it'll have to be free of course. tomorrow i work, my last saturday working and i couldn't be happier, and then sunday it'll be out to the o.c. for christmas church with my mom back at the old home church. this should be pretty fun if i can stop stressing about gas money. next thursday and friday my mom and i are going to the beach, and this too should be fun and a nice break. i am looking forward to it.

man, do i feel like i have the world's worst attitude.

"half of the time we're gone and we dont know where, don't know where..." simon and garfunkel, the only living boy in new york (favorite song of the week)