beauty exists only in struggle. i read that somewhere. and, at the risk of sounding super cheesy...i have been seeing a lot of rainbows lately, and i was driving yesterday and saw the brightest one yet. and God couldnt help creeping into my thoughts, telling me that it has to pour down rain and huge, black clouds have to form before you can have the beauty of a rainbow. i dont know if i agree with beauty existing only in struggle, but i do believe you can't have beauty without it.
letting go is what i am having a hard time doing. but i realized yesterday (also on the rainbow drive) that even if i didn't think matt and i were doing the right thing, holding on would still be stupid and counterproductive. because he wants it to be over, and he has good reasons, and that's enough. it is over! and to hold onto to something that doesn't exist anymore is just plain dumb. i realized i was being kind of self torturing there for a few days, namely seeing him when i knew it would hurt like hell. i feel somewhat better now that i have admitted to myself and him that i cant see him for awhile. i have to heal, i have to move on, i have to let go! it is proving a difficult task.
it seems that God keeps bringing me to these places in my life where there is nothing and no one holding me back from doing whatever i want. this is atleast the third time that has happened this summer. apon realizing it had happened yet again, i found myself screaming at God "where the heck do you want me to go, then???" all i really have right now is that internship in california, so now i am thinking of going there again. yes, i know i change my mind like every day. but i have to go somewhere eventually....right? it's hard when you find yourself in a place where you feel like you've lost everything. but it's good, because it shows how to truly trust God. i just have to keep on surviving, keep on struggling through these agonizing days. i know i will be ok, because somehow i always am, but right now...it sucks.
there's an emptiness inside her and she'd do anything to fill it in and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart she feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart -- dave matthews
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"once you have flown, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward; for there you have been, and there you long to return." leonardo da vinci
1 comment:
letting go is one of the most difficult things ever when faced with either going down the same road again, and going through all the too familiar pain and false hope, or going down a brand new road in a direction that you have no idea what might pop up in front of you...it takes huge amounts of courage and determination, but mostly it takes accepting the truth of a situation and facing reality. At that point, there is no more denial and you have the choice of either being happy or not. Meanwhile, there is definitely a period of grief and immense sadness....But God is truly good and truly in control, not just in the corny sound of it, but in real life, when you are faced with changes and taking risks. Honor those feelings...they will soon be replaced with something more hopeful.
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