the best laid plans

i also considering titling this entry "goodbye richard." this is because on friends, monica dated this guy named richard but they broke up because he didn't want kids and she did. yeah, that pretty much happened to me and matt this last weekend. that wasn't the only reason we broke up, but it was one of two. i'm keeping the last one to myself because some things have to be private, or atleast not shared over the world wide web.

so this sucks. i think it is a good thing for the time being, but that doesn't make it suck any less. logic doesn't lessen the hurt. i know it will all be okay in the end, yadda yadda yadda. i also know that we took things super fast, and i wanted to slow down, but we couldn't. i wrote in my journal "can you stop a high powered locomotive?" that's what i felt like matt and i were. i wanted to slow down and work on a friendship, and stay in a romantic relationship, but that was proving impossible. the question now is, of course, what will happen in the future? right now he is all i want, but i am rational enough to realize that he might not be "the one." something good about this is that i feel truly forced to take it day by day, to trust God. i feel like i dont have a choice because taking more than one day at a time would be much too painful.

it seems every situation in my life shows me what a passionately feeling person i am. i'm realizing that i am the kind of person who throws and gives my whole self into the good things i see. unfortunately the opposite of great joy is great pain, and i truly believe you cant have one without the other. the pain now is a part of the happiness then, that's the deal. i'm not sure who said that, and yes, i know it's a sucky deal, but it's life. life is pain, love is pain, and how depressing is this entry? joy wouldn't be as rich if we didn't have pain to compare it to, and if God hadn't given me the capacity to feel things fully, I dont think I'd be the kind of artist that I am, or that I would care about other people's pain so much. I have to take the bad with the good, feeling both fully is a part of who God has made me. it's not always an easy life, but i wouldn't want it a different way...at least most of the time i wouldn't. maybe this week i would.

I built another temple to a stranger I gave away my heart to the rushing wind I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies And breaks the back of foolish pride -- jealous kind, jars of clay